Ok, let´s start:
I really tried to accept the fact that my former boyfriend had dumped me. I tried to accept his decision and I tried to move on with my life. And, I finally did what many of you had recommended to me years ago: I found a german guy. A german submissive guy.
I met him online, we played a bit online, then he asked whether he can come and see me, and I agreed. I let him come and visit me at my home for a weekend. I felt secure and I knew he would do me no harm.
We spent the weekend together, he liked me, liked my family, liked the kinky things I did to him.
When the weekend was over he asked whether he is allowed to return, and I said yes.
He returned the next weekend and a few days later again. And for some reasons that do not matter much he stayed longer and longer at my place. He more or less moved in with me. It was easy and fun for me. I had been so thirsty for male attention. And I was still so confused after my grandmas death.
And it was a nightmare for my mom, who had suddenly to deal with a stranger in her kitchen on a daily basis. :-) He was suddenly there. Suddenly a part of my life. Pretty much from zero to 100 in 5 seconds.
He adored me. And I knew it. We spoke about children and a future together, he wanted to take on my family name, find a job in the area where I live, and: He wanted me to be his wife. He proposed to me.
I said "yes".
I sooooo wanted this to happen. He seemed so perfect. And both him and I we literally jumped in this waaaaay to quickly.
We agreed on a date for the wedding, I spoke with his mom, my mom learned to accept him ;-) All seemed perfect.
And as suddenly as it all had started, I suddenly realized: No, I cannot do this. There is only one man I love, my former boyfriend.
Due to the fact that my former boyfriend had been so hesitant in telling me "It´s over, I dont want you anymore" I know what it feels like to be left waiting and hoping and wishing. And I wanted to make sure the german man does not hope for something that I knew would not happen. This gave me the strengths to be super clear and direct. I ended everything with a complete clarity. There was nothing he could do. I had made up my mind. He tried to make me reconsider. He wanted to have a chance, wanted me to give us a try, but I was cold as ice. I said no to all his efforts of finding a way to work things out between us. I felt like: being clear and unwavering is the least I can do.
The whole story still today makes me feel terrible. I feel still super guilty towards him. I pray to God that he finds a woman who loves him as much as he deserves. I still feel uncomfortable just thinking at the days with him and my somewhat brutal decision to end it as abruptly as it had begun.
The lesson I learned for myself: There is and always was only one man I love: my former boyfriend.
My love life is non- existing these days, but my business is thriving, lol.