Tuesday, August 24, 2010

trying to stay cool :-)

I just had a very pleasant phone conversation with a lawyer colleague of mine. The good news is, that he is writing the paper for me in the judicial case I mentioned two posts ago. This is an enormous relief to me. After weeks of trying to find a  solution how to proceed in that matter...the solution is finally here. And on the last day possible! The judge wants to have the paper on the 25th of August.

With this terrible thing off of my desk, I suddenly found myself in a position with a few minutes to spare.

And I realised one thing as far as my trip to the US is concerned:

OMG, I AM SO NERVOUS...What on earth am I doing :-)

"Little Tina" alone in the States, far from home.
How will it be to meet the man in real life?
How am I supposed to behave when we meet for the first time?
What shall I say or do?
How will he react when he sees me?
Will he like me?
And will our expectations be fullfiled?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, it `s all REAL now.

Over the last days I urgently wanted to talk with him about my feelings, because talking just calms me down.

He, on the other hand, would have needed for me to be quiet for a moment. To give him a chance to get used to the situation himself . Because he did not expect me to come so soon indeed. He actually had no clue! For some reason I made a decision to see him very soon. And I still think that was a smart decision! I only told him I would come after I did book a airplane ticket. How is that for female dominance, lol.

I think he is even more nervous than I am...I will give him the time he needs to process things. It took me a while to understand it, but I finally got it. I am a smart woman after all :-)

I am pretty sure that I will have fun with the man. Just doing regular things, like going for a walk, going to the beach, nothing spectacular. No matter if we should click or not in the kinky area. So in my opinion there is nothing for him to worry about. The thing is, he is putting himself under a lot of pressure. Pressure homemade by him :-)

So now I am sitting here, with nobody to talk to but you.

My german friends, who know that I fly to the US, do of course not know the "unusual" situation that stands behind my trip. I do not tell my VERY vanilla friends: "I opened an internet blog on domestic discipline, made contact with a man and am now flying thousands of miles in order to see him..."

Not even I would do that, even though I tend to not hide anything :-)
My life is an open book to the people around me. Sometimes my friends can not believe the things I am discussing with other people. Even my very fundamentalistic christian pastor, who is a very good friend, knows the whole story (but not the kinky/dd elements) about my journey of finding a good man. He is at loss of words, has no idea how to deal with the situation of me flying alone to the US, only to see a man...a man I have never met before...But he is wishing me the best :-)

Anyway, send me a word of support, will you?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

new era

I stumbled accross the following quote today and liked it a lot. It fits to my life these days... 
Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.                                       Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I opened my blog, I had ZERO real life experience with domestic discipline and women led relationships. All I knew was that these kind of things have a special appeal to me. They always had...
I made a decision to live that part of my personality, without actually knowing where it might lead me. And so far, I have no reason to complain. In the last couple of months I learned quite a bit about female dominance. And I got to tell you, I like what I learned and what I experienced.  
Even though, my lessons were not always easy and pleasant ones. I especially remember one incident, from months ago, when a man from the US, who was already experienced in the scene, wanted to come and see me in Germany. He was honest with me right from the beginning and told me, that all he was looking for with me was for some dd scenes, no relationship. He knew that I was searching something different, but still, we did send a few emails to each other. I thought we could get along well in real life, even on a not dd based friendship. But who knows... and that is not what he was interested anyway...At the time he once in a while did send me an email and I responded. 
One day, for some reason, I felt let down by him and send him an angry email, telling him that I did not like his behavior. He wrote back immediately, but differently than I expected. His shot was on target. He hit me right in my soul by writing something like: "Your last email sounded like written by a very insecure woman. I hope that`s not you."
This happened at a time when I was making my first steps into the dd world. Baby steps! Of course I was insecure. Of course I had no clue what I was doing. But the things I have been doing... I did them with all my heart. I still am that way. And I do not want to change in that aspect. Never. Even if I get some serious strikes regularly.
It was a strange situation. He had asked me many times to spank him, to be his domina, to take care of his needs...and then he is blaming me for being insecure... For a moment I was speechless. But since I am a lawyer and used to getting attacked, I answered back, not letting him know how terrible I felt. I do that all day long with my opponents anyway, I know how to play that game, but to tell you the truth...it had hurt. Because I had not seen him as an opponent but as a fellow human being who is just trying to survive in that crazy life like we all do.I have not heard from him again.
Here in my blog, with you, I am not in lawyer and fighting mood at all. I know this might put me in a vulnerable position and might be a bit naive, but on the other hand it does have its advantages as well. People have opened up to me in ways I would have never expected. I had the chance of chatting with awesome people, just because I opened up to them.And there is one lawyer among you, who I approached with a pretty sassy demand some time ago. (Hey, and if you should read that...I do apologise for my request!)  But my point is, even if this lawyer has most likely not been pleased with the fact that I mixed business life and blog life, he answered back right away, and in a very polite, fair and decent way. So in a way, we are one big family :-)
In a couple of days I will fly to the US to meet a man. A man I met through the blog. And this is, as you can imagine, an immense step. In looking back at things, I realise that my adventurous journey has been custom-made for me :-)  In very small steps I had a chance to develop my dominant personality. I think I still am far away from some of the very confident women mentioned for instance by wdspoone over at ma`am, yes, ma `am. Because being really dominant and demanding still does not always come easily for me. Ok, ok, if I am really pissed off I have no problem with being strict and dealing severly with a man. But these situations do not happen that often, because I do have fantastic taste in men :-) 

Being dominant through the internet, thats no problem. I am used to work with words. I love words. However once things get more real, thats a totally different story. So my trip to the USA will be a milestone.

But, I am well prepared :-) From exchanging emails, to audio skyping, to video skyping...I had a chance of getting used to the fact that my whole approach towards men changes.

I still clearly remember when I did send a man to the corner for the first time. I was so nervous, my hands were actually shaking. And when I gave orgasm denial a first  try, I almost could not believe myself that I am baring a grown up man from something so intimate. And to think that the man is now for the first time in many years not able to jerk off... thats such a turn on for me  :-) Making the man write lines as a punishment: Thats definitely something I like, especially if the man does not like to do it.

So my trip to the US is just the corollary of the last weeks and months.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

clean slate

Real life and all the responsibilities and obligations linked to it are sometimes almost not to bear. I am sure all of you know what I am talking about here... Generally speaking, it`s not easy to be successful in both business and private life and, even more important, to fullfil own expectations. Not to mention the expectations from family members, friends, business partners, neighbours, church...

And sometimes, there is just no way to not let other people down. And I just hate these moments.They literally make me sick.I had one of these dreaded situations not too long ago, in court actually... and just thinking of it makes me want to vomit. In theory, there might be psychological means out there to help me cope with the feeling of screwing up, but actually I don`t use them. Or to be more specific: I dont know how to use them for me!

There is not much I can do to take the sting out of it. In my life, I just have to be -or at least have to pretend to be- strong and invulnerable. It would only hurt me, if I would show any weakness in court. And my clients...well, who would want a tarnished lawyer? The clients kind of expect me to radiate an aura of die-hard and self-confidence. So I deliver...

However, every so often a scene from House md comes to my mind. Its from the 3rd season, in which House makes a big mess of his life. He breaks the law, is mean and unfair, hurts the people around him. And in the end, he sees no other way out but to offer an honest apology to his enemy Michael Tritter. Tritter is the guy in the show, who could easily make things good again as far as Houses pending criminal trial is concerned.

[Cut to House walking into Tritter's office]
TRITTER: Complaint department's a across the hall [House walks over to him] I'm busy, can I just assume that you told me how unfair I'm being and...
HOUSE: [cuts him off] I'm sorry... You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd hit one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way... I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, means I was wrong.
TRITTER: Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it. [Tritter starts to walk away but House follows him]
HOUSE: I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph.
TRITTER: And I'm sure you'd pass. The thing is I've never been interested in what you have to say; all I care about is what you do. I'll see you at the hearing.
(House MD - 3.11 Words and Deeds. Originally Aired: Jan 9 2007. Written by: Leonard Dick. Directed by: Daniel Sackheim. http://community.livejournal.com/clinic_duty/16705.html)

This scene has a big impact on me. Because even though House is sorry for what he did, and even though he gives a sincere apology, the one person who could help him, Tritter, does not forgive him. There is nothing House could do, to make Tritter actually forgive him. House just has no way to make amends for his deeds. 

And btw. for me, having to go to court has nothing to do with assuming a responsibility...Having to go to court - in most cases- only means trying to find a way to NOT assume any responsibility at all.


And I think that is exactly why I do belive in the concept of domestic discipline. 
In a dd scenario, it is possible to screw up, pay for it and just move on. And this my friends does sound wonderful in my ears. First of all, there is a partner who is generally able and willing to listen to your words. Somebody who cares enough for you to take some time to deal with the infraction. Somebody who is interested in making you feel better. A person who is willing to give you a clean slate again. A person who thinks you do not deserve to make yourself crazy with guilt and shame and embarrassement and the sense of failure.

To me, it is a relief to have situations in life, in which it is possible to honestly confess things, get punished for it and then all is forgiven. And usually I am the one who is not hesitating to give my partner the good feeling of a clean slate. However sometimes, like right now, I just want that feeling for myself...