Wednesday, January 28, 2015

heart, mind and ass ;-)

Very strange days here. Three men who were really important to me ended all contact with me within a very short range of time. I am playing the same plot over and over in my life.

The plot goes like this: Find a man, open him up, make sure that he is as awesome as he seems to be, open yourself up to him, trust that he is strong enough and willing to catch you if you fall, show him your weaknesses, let him know that you think he is awesome and that you want more. Accept that he is leaving you. Grrrrrrrr....

1. You know the endless "former- boyfriend- saga". No need to go into it again. But the gist of it is: he had given me his heart but he ended the relationship without giving me a chance to have any say in it.

2. I did not blog about it, but there was a guy who I had contact with on and off for a very long time.  I considered him to be a real friend. He wanted to meet me to do some kinky things to him.
I never met him, because I had a boyfriend. Now, with the boyfriend gone, the time seemed right for me to finally meet him. And : no reply from him whatsoever. He had opened up to me in many many ways, but he ended the friendship without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

3. The new kid on the blog: A wonderful guy. Sensitive, smart, warm...all good. We were in really close contact in the last weeks. And two days ago, he ended our contact. When I tried to add something, to explain something, he literally said: "it is enough now. maybe later more".
So, the new kid as well, he had opened up to me in huge ways, but he ended our contact without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

Oh and btw. I am pretty sure that neither of the 3 is reading this blog anymore. They literally live on different continents, all of them, but - judging from their behavior- I guess they all had enough "Tina" for the rest of their lives ;-)

The men end it and all I can do is to just suck it up and accept it.
And I am forced to learn the same lesson over and over again: 
give him space to breath!, let him have his peace!, don`t push for it!, don`t overwhelm him!,  learn to let go! 

I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful. 
Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior. 

I obviously need to adjust my vibration a bit. I need to focus much more on what I want and what I am looking for.

So, let me make absolutely clear to you, to the universe and to myself, lol, what I am trying to find:

I want a man who
  • WANTS to stay with me. 
  • accepts that I want to talk about emotions and feelings endlessly.
  • is willing to live in a domestic discipline relationship with me.
  • accepts that I can be unbelievably loud and colorful and superficial.
  • is open to my never ending creative ideas.
  • allows me to love and care for him.
  • likes being pampered.
  • is willing to submit to my leadership.
  • loves me enough to suffer for me when I want him to.
  • sees my dominant attitude for what it is: one facet of my personality only. I have been told I am actually a big softie inside.
  • is willing to let me admire him.
  • is older, smarter and more experienced in life than I am.
  • loves to give and to receive hours long massages.
  • is able to deal with receiving countless emails and messages and phone calls from me.
  • I can look up to.
  • trusts me enough to do what I want him to do even though he probably does not always understand yet what I am up to.
  • is willing to let me comfort and caress him endlessly, especially after a spanking.
  • wants me to have his heart, mind and ass ;-)

I want a man who is willing to LET me love him. For me, loving is always much easier than being loved.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Gute Nacht! /Good Night!

I have shared quite a lot of the circumstances around my break up with my boyfriend. My wonderful former boyfriend, the man I still love today. The awesome thing with love is: one can love without being loved back. So it is my prerogative to still love him, even though my love is not reciprocated anymore.  

It took me endlessly to understand what was going on in regard to the break-up. And my former partner was no help in my "trying to understand "-process. Over the Christmas holidays though I was able to have some time for myself and some time to emotionally process things.

And something wonderful happened: I found some peace of mind. A guy "showed up", out of the blue, and he - over and over and very patiently- answered all my existing questions in regard to my relationship break up. The name of the guy is: Franz. And this is actually his real name. No alias needed here :-)

The stats of this blog tell that most of my readers are from the US. So most of you won`t be really familiar with old german/austrian music. So, let me introduce you to one of the great austrian composers: Franz Schubert (1797 -1828) :-)

Schubert wrote wonderful music. He is famous for piano accompanied songs and one piece of music that has been of tremendous help for me and my heart is called: "Good Night". It is the first song of "Winterreise" / winter journey. And winter journey is the most famous romantic song cycle ever written. 

Ian Bostridge, a world class singer, has just published a full book on winter journey. And if you are in a position to spend a few bucks, I highly recommend buying that book. 

Bostridge points out in his book that in Winterreise:

 “We are drawn in by an obsessively confessional soul, apparently an emotional exhibitionist who won’t give us the facts; but this allows us to supply the facts of our own lives, and make him our mirror.” 
Here is a video of the song:

And here is the text:
I came a stranger, Fremd bin ich eingezogen,
I depart a stranger. Fremd zieh' ich wieder aus. Mai was good to me Der Mai war mir gewogen With many a bunch of flowers. Mit manchem Blumenstrauß. The girl, she talked of love, Das Mädchen sprach von Liebe, The mother even of marriage, - Die Mutter gar von Eh', - Now, the world is so gloomy, Nun ist die Welt so trübe, The path covered in snow. Der Weg gehüllt in Schnee.
I cannot chose the time Ich kann zu meiner Reisen
of my journey, Nicht wählen mit der Zeit, I must find my own way Muß selbst den Weg mir weisen In this darkness. In dieser Dunkelheit. The moon casts a shadow – Es zieht ein Mondenschatten My only travel companion, Als mein Gefährte mit, And on the white meadows Und auf den weißen Matten I look for tracks of deer Such' ich des Wildes Tritt.

Why should I hang around any longer Was soll ich länger weilen, waiting for someone to throw me out? Daß man mich trieb hinaus ? Let stray dogs howl Laß irre Hunde heulen In front of their master’s house; Vor ihres Herren Haus; Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern - God made it that way! Gott hat sie so gemacht. From one to the other -  Von einem zu dem andern -
God made it that way. Gott hat sie so gemacht -
Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern  Good night, then, my love! Fein Liebchen, gute Nacht !
I will not disrupt your dream, Will dich im Traum nicht stören, It would only trouble your tranquility, Wär schad' um deine Ruh'. You shall not hear my step, Sollst meinen Tritt nicht hören - Softly, softly the door closes. Sacht, sacht die Türe zu ! I write on the gate as I go by: Schreib im Vorübergehen Good night. Ans Tor dir: Gute Nacht, So that you may know Damit du mögest sehen, I have thought of you. An dich hab' ich gedacht.

I listened to "good night" for about 372 times in the last weeks :-) And the more I listened the more I realized: All is well.

I guess you guys remember vividly how urgently I wanted my boyfriend to send me a "good bye"-email. I whined on my blog about him not doing it for MONTHS.

The song "Gute Nacht" made me realize that I actually do have a right to ask for such a note. Schubert understood this. Even the guy in the song left a short note :-) And when my boyfriend contacted me again a while back, I took that email for what it was: a note to say: "I have thought of you. " This made me feel much better.

I understood: He just had to go. He is trying to find his own way.

I apologize to all of you who read so far and are still waiting for some domestic discipline content :-)

I promise, my next post will have kink in it :-)