Very strange days here. Three men who were really important to me ended all contact with me within a very short range of time. I am playing the same plot over and over in my life.
The plot goes like this: Find a man, open him up, make sure that he is as awesome as he seems to be, open yourself up to him, trust that he is strong enough and willing to catch you if you fall, show him your weaknesses, let him know that you think he is awesome and that you want more. Accept that he is leaving you. Grrrrrrrr....
1. You know the endless "former- boyfriend- saga". No need to go into it again. But the gist of it is: he had given me his heart but he ended the relationship without giving me a chance to have any say in it.
2. I did not blog about it, but there was a guy who I had contact with on and off for a very long time. I considered him to be a real friend. He wanted to meet me to do some kinky things to him.
I never met him, because I had a boyfriend. Now, with the boyfriend gone, the time seemed right for me to finally meet him. And : no reply from him whatsoever. He had opened up to me in many many ways, but he ended the friendship without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.
3. The new kid on the blog: A wonderful guy. Sensitive, smart, warm...all good. We were in really close contact in the last weeks. And two days ago, he ended our contact. When I tried to add something, to explain something, he literally said: "it is enough now. maybe later more".
So, the new kid as well, he had opened up to me in huge ways, but he ended our contact without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.
Oh and btw. I am pretty sure that neither of the 3 is reading this blog anymore. They literally live on different continents, all of them, but - judging from their behavior- I guess they all had enough "Tina" for the rest of their lives ;-)
The men end it and all I can do is to just suck it up and accept it.
And I am forced to learn the same lesson over and over again:
give him space to breath!, let him have his peace!, don`t push for it!, don`t overwhelm him!, learn to let go!
I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful.
Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior.
I obviously need to adjust my vibration a bit. I need to focus much more on what I want and what I am looking for.
So, let me make absolutely clear to you, to the universe and to myself, lol, what I am trying to find:
I want a man who
- WANTS to stay with me.
- accepts that I want to talk about emotions and feelings endlessly.
- is willing to live in a domestic discipline relationship with me.
- accepts that I can be unbelievably loud and colorful and superficial.
- is open to my never ending creative ideas.
- allows me to love and care for him.
- likes being pampered.
- is willing to submit to my leadership.
- loves me enough to suffer for me when I want him to.
- sees my dominant attitude for what it is: one facet of my personality only. I have been told I am actually a big softie inside.
- is willing to let me admire him.
- is older, smarter and more experienced in life than I am.
- loves to give and to receive hours long massages.
- is able to deal with receiving countless emails and messages and phone calls from me.
- I can look up to.
- trusts me enough to do what I want him to do even though he probably does not always understand yet what I am up to.
- is willing to let me comfort and caress him endlessly, especially after a spanking.
- wants me to have his heart, mind and ass ;-)
I want a man who is willing to LET me love him. For me, loving is always much easier than being loved.