Friday, May 28, 2010

no negotiations?

OK, ok... this is a first draft. I am sure there will be changes at a later point of time :-)

Most of the time I am not really sure about how any future and serious relationship with the real man should look like. I only know that it has to have domestic discipline elements in it for sure. This morning however, I had a very clear moment. In legal terms: I had a "lucidum intervallum", which means even though everything is usually pretty foggy, for one moment I could see absolutely clear at least parts of what I want.

The thing is, I hear and read a lot about what is possible and what worked well in other peoples relationships. I get new information almost everyday and sometimes that confuses me and I am not sure any longer what I actually like and what only projections of other peoples fantasies are.

Of course there are things I am absolutely sure I like to do and others, I just know would never work for me. And I am more than willing to let my man know, which practice is in which category. In fact,I have no problem with letting all of you know, so no problem here for me. :-) But then, there is a huge grey area as well.I am talking about things I have never done before and do not have a real opinion about. Oh and sure, I could just stop thinking here, meet a man and start "doing" all those "grey" things. Giving it a try and see if I like it or not. Test the waters. But I am just too used to think about problems... I do earn my living with thinking about problems, it´s not easy to just stop such an habit... And not to forget, there´s the little problem of "me needing to actually think the guy is great" in order to be ready to involve myself in these kind of things.

So during my clear moment I realised, that I do not want to negotiate with my man about what is going to happen within the relationship. And to me, that is such a strange idea, it´s almost against everything I do belive in life. I like talking, could do it all day long and I am convinced, that talking is the best way of getting problems solved and all parties happy. My family and me, we all live together in a pretty unorthodox way in one big house. And my law firm is in that house too... We are all adults, there is not actually one person in charge and there is no head of our household. I can assure you, we do talk a lot in order to get things going and sometimes just to prevent each other from killing each other ;-) Did you ever see the Ozzy Osbourn real life tv show? Well, I could probably earn a fortune too, just by letting a camera team in our house.

However, in a serious relationship, I want my man to trust me enough to accept whatever I decide. My whole talk about wanting to get to know the man on a much deeper level, wanting to know about his fears and needs, dreams and hopes is of course a two way street. I am offering all that to him as well. He can see for himself that I am not some insane maniac but a loving and caring woman. And I do not want him to give up his life for me or for the relationship. I want him to continue to do whatever he is doing in life, and be successful in doing it. But then, sometimes and within the relationship, I want him to do exactly as I tell him. And if I should hand out a bitter pill indeed, I expect him to swallow it.

I wonder how much sense -if any- it would make, to start negotiations with a submissive man in the domestic discipline sector. As far as I understand, there will be elements that the man will not like. At least that is what "wdspoone" over at "Yes Ma`am" says. And I will just use him as an expert witness :-)

Punishment and discipline is not supposed to be fun for my man. And I do not believe in sending mixed signals. If I am intending to discipline him, he will know for sure that the time coming will not be for his pleasure.

So in a way it all leads to the question, if the man is able and willing to trust me enough.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

who wants to kick my butt :-)

This might be your once in a lifetime chance, because usually I am the one who wants to hand out any incentive :-)

Ok, it´s 11.30 pm here, I am tired as can be and want to go to bed. But then I need to work... Some legal papers need to be written ---and written by me. But I just can not make myself start working on it...

How everything started!

Just a couple of thoughts and please keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive summary!

I have been asked many times by different readers "how everything started". Somewhere in an earlier post I mentioned being into "it" since the age of 13. Well, there is not really a single event that triggered it. And 13 is just a rough specification.

I have always been a very good girl, well behaved, did not make problems, did get along very well with teachers at school and adults. Outgoing, friendly and caring towards others. Smaller kids and senior citizens loved me ;-), they still do... Never did drugs, never smoked, was drunk for alcohol only once or twice. And since a very young age I took care of more psychological problems from other people than probably any paid shrink in the NY city area. And I know I did a good job, I still am pretty successful in that department. It is just something that does come easy to me.

However, looking back at the past, I realise that I only lived a part of my personality. I very seldom threw temper tantrums, I did not behave aggressive in any way and did not pay attention to my needs with the same accuracy that I did offer other peoples needs.

No one in my family believes in corporal discipline, so I have never been punished that way. Well, my step dad did give me a slap in the face once, when I was about 15 years old, but that "event" was so out of the ordinary, that I can clearly remember it. In essence: I can not consciously link my dd cravings to any real life event. I just assume, that since any "aggression" (for the lack of a better word) did not play an important part in my real life at all, it became an important part of my fantasy life.

I remember that - around the age of 18 - I went to a sex shop with a male friend quite regularly. We were thinking of becoming owners of the shop one day and had actually started handover negotiations with the guy who run the business... and btw. said friend is a lawyer now too ;-)...well, my point is, at that time I always went to different sections than my friend. While he was all "vanilla" I was only interested in the bdsm stuff. But I never spoke with my friend about it, I always felt kind of embarrassed about liking the kinky things.

I am sure I mentioned that many times before, but again: For me, the most interesting aspect is having control over a man. (Hmmmm, that does not sound quite right.... need to think why...). Well, to finish my line of thoughts here: I really do not care that much how that control is being manifested. It can be by the man going down on me and licking me, by me giving him a spanking, or by me teasing him endlessly without giving him permission to come. And in my world there has not to be a sexual element in the punishment to make it appealing to me. I told you, I do like things like early bed times, corner times, writing lines or mails as well. All sounds good, as long as I am the one in control.

Do I need to mention that the whole thing does not work for me, if I am not feeling a deep affection to the man?

Monday, May 24, 2010

punishment, panties and tears

I like the idea of punishing a man and bringing him to tears through that punishment.What a beginning, don´t you think?

To be honest I have not yet done it, so basically I am talking about a fantasy here, but then, I do fantasize about such a scenario a lot. However, I am not at all into just being brutal to any guy on the street. Actually I am not into being brutal at all!!! And I am not thinking of deliberately hurting someone for no reason at all, just to get me a power flash. I am only talking about "Mr. Right", his punishments and his tears here.

As far as the punishment aspect is concerned: I am only refering to a punishment in a loving, consensual domestic discipline relationship here. A woman who loves her man and thinks that, for some reason, a punishment is needed. A punishment and tears. That is the scenario that interests me. In that context, the idea of bringing my man to tears does have some appeal to me.Why is that?  

First of all, I do very rarely see men cry at all. My brother, in difficult situations, he just walks away and starts writing a poem or a songtext. That is his way of dealing with problems. My clients usually don´t cry in my office and if they do, I actually do put a lot of effort in making them stop crying asap. And I have not even once in 27 years seen my stepfather cry.

My (biological) father however, even though he is questionable in many other aspects of his life, was able to cry in front of me. He did not feel embarrassed. I remember a couple of situations where he did shed tears in front of me. And thinking back at these times, I still have the feeling, that these moments were the most honest and most "intimate" within our sometimes difficult father-daughter relationship.

So basically the fact alone that a man is crying at all is a pretty good indication that something special is going on. And I like everything that is extraordinary. I like the idea that I am witnessing something that only few people were able to see before.

But that is of course not the only reason for my attraction to tears.

Me, personally, I have no problems crying in various situations. And I think crying  is almost always a fantastic way of just letting go of my stress and problems. If I cry, I do not care what other people think of me, I do not pay attention to who is watching and I am absolutely lost in the moment. Crying is an emotional release which I would not want to miss in my life.

Every so often men, even men in dd relationships, report, that their male pride is preventing them from crying in front of their lady. I will make one comment to that remark: Isn´t a big part of  the female led relationship concept about outplaying a mans pride?

There are so many aspects in a female led relationship which are probably not easily to reconcile with the male pride and still, the submissive men are willing and able to deal with it. A good example is the subject of "panties". I am not an expert on the male pride, but I doubt that it is easy  for any men in a "not horny" state to accept or even admit, that he might be obsessed with the panties of his lady. And I do know that there are many men out there who are just that. I once even read about some vending machines in Japan, where men could buy panties that were used by women. Not sure if it is true, but it would not surprise me if that would be the case. So it looks like somehow men can concile that craving with their male pride.

And here comes my question to the men:

I am wondering why it might be easier for submissive men to accept the fact that they dream about the (used) panties of their ladies than to cry in front of the woman they love?

I do not want to  follow the next line of thought too much... but I think it is because the men are still in control when they ask the ladies about their used panties. They want something from the women. The woman is the giver in a way and the man is receiving something he does want to have, even though some men might probably not like the fact that they indeed wanna have the panties... 

If a man cries however, he is the one giving. He is giving away all his emotions and feelings, his sorrow and pain, his guilt and fears.And the woman is the one receiving. She finally gets to see her man in a way nobody else ever does. He shows himself to her unguarded and unprotected. And that is something I love.I love to understand my partner, love to know what he is thinking and feeling and appreciate it very much if he is opening up to me.

And then there is still the fact, that most men are just bigger and taller than their lady. So there is no way for the woman to actually "force" the man to do something or force him to accept a punishment. In a way, a man who submits to his girlfriend or wife for punishment is giving her a great gift. And if he is opening up emotionally so much that he is actually crying, the gift to his woman is even bigger. And yes, I realise that for many men tears do not come easy.

So in a way one could argue that  if a man gets over his male pride and just accepts that the punishment is delivered, that the woman he loves is in charge and that there is indeed no need to repress his tears...that such an attitude does make the man even stronger. I have been told that "submissiveness in its truest essence comes from strength". And I think that is absolutely right, especially if men and tears are concerned.

Friday, May 21, 2010

it´s much more than sex

Here are the latest developements. Nothing too spectacular, but still, I am content with myself and my behavior. 

I decided right from the start to stick to the reality here in my blog. And the reality is: There is not much "real life" sex going on in my life in these days. However, maybe surprisingly for some of you, I am not too sad about that situation. It is not perfect, but then, it is not as bad as one might think.

Blogging has impacted my life very much. Never before in my life did I receive such an enormous amount of support and positive feedback in such a short time. That has helped me to be much more self confident. Its an absolute new feeling for me, to learn that people actually do what I tell them to do. :-) Since I do not talk about the men who write me, I need to take my younger brother as an example again. And btw. he is a nice guy and I really love him, even though I might not paint a too friendly picture of him!

My brother is a master of refusing requests. Any requests from me or any other female family member. My stepdad, his father, does not request anything from him, so I can not even say if it is gender related or not... It does not matter what I want him to do, the moment I ask him I am already dead sure that he is going to say no. And that is really something that brought me to tears many times. Because his flat refusal usually means that either I need to prepare myself for a big fight with him - which I will most likely not win and will end with him storming out of the house- or I just do the work myself. 

While my brother is always fending, I am quite the opposite: wide open... I tend to always say yes if someone, and even my brother, asks me to do something. Usually, in the past, it has been me doing all the things and favors for my family, my clients and the folks around me. I got my reassurance in life by being there for them. Now, however, I perceive that I do not need to resort to always pleasing others in order to get approval and compliments.

Somewhere along  the road since starting my blogging career, I had the chance of  getting involved in some internet domination stuff. And that is exactly what I needed. It gave me the opportunity to explore, in a playful way, that it is not going to kill me (or the man...) if I actually act out my dominant feelings. I do know that I can be very dominant in various situations, however I did seldom actively choose to live it out.  In the past, most of the time when I was reflecting about how to react in a certain situation, I went for the de-escalating way, always trying to calm the other person down, being understanding, smoothing things out and resolving disputes amicably. Lately however, I did dare and address problems as feisty as never before :-)

And as far as my brother is concerned: we are not at too good speaking terms right now. I think he just does not know how to deal with my new behavior. A couple of days ago someone of the family had to take care of my elderly grandmother and had to spend the whole sunday driving her to her sister. It was either going to be me or my brother. And, for the first time, I did not waver and told him that I would not do it, since I would be  going to have a restaurant appointment with some friends. I told him so and just left for meeting my friends. And he - big surprise-, he did a marvelous job with the two old ladies. So I had fun, grandma and her sister were taken care of and my brother...well, he was not able to refuse the request this time :-)

Monday, May 17, 2010

what´s in it for me

Shortly after opening my blog, when the whole D/s or domestic discipline concept was still new to me,  I read the following lines.
"The submissive is, in their own way, demanding. In particular, the submissive demands attention and a lot of it. It looks to me like that's inherent in the relationship and not a matter of the submissive acting badly. If someone is going to be in control they have to pay attention. "

When I first read these words, I was sure that I would have no problems dealing with the demands of a submissive man or even submissive men. Alone the idea of getting in contact with a submissive man seemed to be so unrealistic. Even though it did not bother me at first, I had these aforementioned words in the back of my mind since then. I somehow knew that they would become relevant to me one day. And I was so right...! Today I do know a lot about men and their huge expectations towards me. Even though they do not know me in persona. Maybe that makes it even worse, because for some readers I seem to be that mystic woman who could possibly fulfill all their wishes, fantasies and demands. I know that I can be pretty open. I do talk about my preferences in a frank way. And I like to question people about the things they would like to do. I want to know how people "tick". On the one hand that is quite a strenghts of mine.On the other hand it can bring me in a vulnerable position as well. Because, as I mentioned many times earlier, in "real life" I am not as experienced as one might think. (If you like discrepancies, then you might be at the right place with me...). I have no problems with "opening up" to others. And I do my best to make others feel good.Whatever needs the others might have...

I think it all leads to the question: "what´s in it for me?" And I can say one thing for sure: If the man is not  (at least theoretically) interested in having a relationship with me, than there is indeed NOTHING in it for me. I need to have the feeling that the man cares about me in general, not only as far as sexual aspects are concerned. Of course I do realise that it takes time and luck and many other things to find the right partner for a relationship.And even more of these things if you are searching the right person for a domestic discipline relationship. However, I need to know that the guy is accepting any punishment I hand out because it is ME who wants him to accept it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise that for me a very interesting aspect is, that the man, in order to make ME feel good, does things or accepts punishments he would normally not do.

And one last, spanking related, thought: There´s another thing I learned lately about me and what I want.
I do not want to make my partner feel bad about crying in front of me. I have been told that there are women out there who show an attitude like:  "this needed to happen, and you're crying, but it's not because of weakness, it's because it's part of it....." Thats´s exactly the way I want to be too.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

letting go

I am home from my lawyers conference with new hopes of one day actually finishing my legal thesis, the insight, that men do think differently than women indeed and the feeling, that once I start to live in a real life domestic discipline relationship, (with the possibility of actually touching the man!,) my life will never be the same.

Among german lawyers, everybody is talking about "synergistic effects". Don`t know why, but it is just a vogue term. For me, being a  lawyer and opening that blog did bring  a lot of theses effects indeed!!! I feel much more confident in the "shark pool" than I ever did before. I am much more aware of what´s going on between my colleagues and between the genders and on a side note, I am getting closer to my personal goal of one day driving a hitherto happily married vanilla couple crazy with my questions about their marriage  :-)

I am gonna share a short real life story with you. And even though I usually do not write about private conversations with other people here in my blog, this is a sole exception, because I think it is just a good example for the overall discussion.

One evening a man told me :  "I can not think of any situation in my life right now, where I could just let go." He was talking about all the responsibility that comes with his job, his partner and his family. And he mentioned  the pressur of always being expected to shoulder that burden alone and with a smile on his face. The most difficult part for him was, that  he can not resort to any means of  taking care of his own needs. He wants for someone to step up in one area of his life and taking the responsibility out of his hands. Idealiter that would be his girlfriend/wife. However, he does not dare to tell her his cravings and domestic discipline wishes.

So I asked him why he did think that his wife would not be able to deal with the truth. His answer was honest  but not at all what I liked to hear...Basically the roles within his relationship are set. His wife is beautiful, the two of them have been together for a long time, sex is ok or even good, and most important, he was not sure if he would be able to accept any punishment from his wife at all. Since I had problems of understanding his point at first, he made a reference to me and my younger brother and asked me, if I would accept any punishment from my younger sibling. I told him that I would not do that. And then he continued by saying that he feels the same way with his wife.

AHHH the longer I think about that remark, the more it drives me crazy. I just do not understand what men find so attractive in having a girlfriend and at the same time not to think of her as an equal partner?  I get it that it is nice if a man cares for his wife and trys to keep her out of harm`s way. That is what I want from my man too. But why does this mean that he can not show her his needs too? And if he wants to let go, why would he hesitate to tell her so? On the other hand , if she is really so "weak" and not able to deal with the truth, why would he stay in the relationship?

And why would a man, who is secretly longing for giving up control, stay with a woman who willingly hands over all control to him? My mom is the queen of letting go. No doubt about that.  If there´s a guy around who pretends (or actually thinks) to know EVERYTHING, she is the happiest woman on earth . I remember her boyfriend telling me explicitely: "I do understand everything of Stephen W. Hawkings writings just by glancing over his books".....I mean , what a stupid thing to say...But she just wants to believe that there is a man who can bring her the heaven on earth. And I know for sure that all the manipulation of the world could not make her to step up and take control over her boyfriend/husband.  

My mom told me the other night: "I do not want to see weakness in a man. I can´t stand a man not being in control". Then she continued by saying: "thats´s probably why I raised the two of  you (my younger sister and me) to be independent and strong". And thats a strange argument on her side, because my brother, who is 27 is still treated like a little prince, you know, handsome, blond hair, actor, did not earn his own money yet...And if she really wanted to have strong men around her, she should have probably focused on making him strong and not  the women of the family...

Ahh I don`t understand  that... Any comments?

Monday, May 10, 2010

just a short thought

I stumbled accross the following quote and did like it a lot.
"Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of."
Jonathan Swift
I know, you my dear readers are pretty much all self-confident and succesfull in what you are doing. And I like that in you. However it woud be my pleasure to bring to light your veins of gold which you do not know of :-)
And how would I do that? Well that is a question I am going to consider and will answer in one of my nexts posts.
Btw: Due to some conference I am going to attend this week I will most likely not be able to post within the next couple of days.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

looking behind my curtain

In a post, a couple of days ago, I mentioned that I´d be afraid that some people did get a look behind my curtain and had a chance to see more of me and my personality. At the time of posting that entry, that situation made me very insecure. I can honestly tell, that everything I write in my blog is true. So there is actually no need for me to be afraid of people getting to know me even better. There is in a way no discrepancy between my internet personality and the person I am in "real life". Having said that, I am of course much more complex than it might look like to people just skimming through my page.And I am surely not always the tough, knowing all, dominant woman.    

However I realise that it is an essential part for me to open up as well, if I ever want to find the right man.Only by communicating and talking about my wants, needs, fears and hopes is there even a chance for me to find what I am looking for. It is just so, that by telling explicitely what I would like to have, chances are bigger that the men and their needs do not run concur with my wantings. And that is of course an idea I do not like :-)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

i am still surprised

I am still not over the fact, that there are men out there who are generally willing to start living in a domestic discipline relationship. I did not dare to dream that big.... Of course, I always knew that such relationships do exist. But knowing that and getting real life offers is something totally different.

Another new and important factor for me is, that it seems to be possible indeed to combine my dominant side with my need to be caring and be cared for. I learned, that as a dominant woman it is still possible to ask for a pampering and for some cuddeling. Here again, I just did not believe that I could get everything at the same time. Due to the lack of a real life dd-relationship I did watch many spanking and femdom videoclips. However, in most of them I just missed the genuine love and care for the partner. Too many clips are just about administering "empty pain". And this is not at all what I am interested in. To me, the "administering pain aspect" gets only interesting, if there´s a deep understanding, trust and love between the partners. In my world, there is no need to make my partner miserable just to make him miserable. Far from it. I want my man to flourish.Want him to use and live all his gifts and talents.