Saturday, December 31, 2016

corner time for Gregory

Gregory and I finally have the house for ourselves. No family members around who might hear something we are doing. It feels wonderful to have the pretty boy all for myself!

Just recently I decided it is time for him to spend some time in a corner again. I had been pampering him a lot in the last weeks and I felt a need to make sure he understands he is not only the man I love deeply, but also my boy.

Since we started dating, Gregory has spent a lot of time in a corner for me. I just like watching him while he is standing there; and I like the fact that he does not like corner times too much. ;-)

For some reason though I had not sent him to a corner for quite a while. And it seems like the longer I wait to make him stand in a corner, the more time passes between two corner time punishments, the harder it gets for him to do it when I am finally telling him again: "Go, stand in the corner". I guess I have to help him a bit by sending him to a corner more often again. The sweet boy needs a firm hand sometimes :-)

He had to set up the laptop and the  "virtual corner website", and I told him to stand naked in the corner.  It was actually  pretty hot. I was in the same room with him, he was naked, I was completely dressed, and he had to follow the instructions of a virtual domme. I was relaxing on the bed and enjoying the "show".

In the beginning he was fidgeting a bit, but the virtual domme scolded him immediately for it and Gregory knew that the computer would add punishment minutes if he does not stand completely still.

After a while I got so turned on by the whole scene that I started masturbating. I used the vibrator that Gregory had given to me as a gift months ago. And the fun thing for me was: Gregory could hear what I was doing, but he could not really see it. He once moved his head, but my virtual co-domme did an awesome job in scolding him immediately and reminding him NOT to move or turn around.

So, while poor Gregory had to stand naked and motionless in the corner, I helped myself to a wonderful and fulfilling orgasm.

Life is good! 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

this might surprise you

For me, the submission of Gregory to me is a gift. A gift from him to me.
His submission turns me on, it makes me hot, it helps me to feel awesome. 
I am enjoying his submission immensely. It makes me feel alive and vibrant.

As with all gifts though, I dont have any influence on whether I will get it or not. Sometimes I do get what I want, sometimes I dont get it. 

Whether I will receive a gift or not is not something I have control over. When I decide that I want something, for example his time, his attention, his input, his obedience etc. and when I "force" the man to give it to me, it is not a gift anymore. 

I dont want to "force" Gregory  to do or not do something.
I dont want to put him under pressure in order to get something from him.
I want him to give it to me freely.
I want him to give it to me because he wants to make me happy.
I want him to push himself in order to make me happy.

If Gregory somehow signals me "I am not enjoying that and I dont want to do that", I am immediatley  stopping whatever it was I intended to do. And note. i am not speaking about consent or consent violation here. I am talking about things that are within his limits, but he is just not enjoying/wanting it on a kinky level.

I know, I know, this  probably sounds pretty soft and not very domme-y ;-)
Gregory said recently to me: "you cant`t be mean. It´s not in your nature."
I do think though that I can be as mean as every other human being. 
The only difference is: in my relationships and especially in a domestic discipline/kinky relationship I do not want to be mean. I want to shower him with love and I want to be showered with love too.

I love to tease the man, and challenge him, and make him feel uncomfortable, but only if he is generally enjoying what I am offering and only if he is agreeing to it.

It turns me on to have control over a man. I like orgasm control and it makes me hot to think that Gregory  cannot come at the moment because I told him to keep his hands off of his cock.I am willing to throw myself fully in the kink.  And if the guy is obedient, it touches my heart. It makes me feel empowered, excited and happy. The more he is suffering for me, the better it is ;-) And Gregory is suffering for me , I am pretty sure about that. He has not been allowed to come in days. :-)
But the suffering has to be a gift. If it is enforced or if the man feels obliged to do so, it loses value for me.

I´ll give you an example: In my life as a dominant woman, I have sent quite a few men to bed early. I have given them an early bed time and I have used my full dominant woman weapon arsenal to make sure that they go to bed NOW. But I have never used that with Gregory. For some reason I think it is not something he considers to be hot. I think it is just not his cup of tea. Which is fine, because there are many tea flavours out there, and him and I enjoy drinking diet coke together anyway ;-)
Sending a sub to bed early is hardly something that violates anybodies personal limits. It´s a pretty mild but still powerful punishment. I think it is well within my power to use it with Gregory. But in order to enforce it, I would need to "force" him.  I am pretty sure that he would accept an early bed time, if I put him under enough pressure.  But this is exactly something I dont wanna do. I want submission as a gift and not as a consequence of a threat or because somebody feels obliged to do something.

So, Gregory can stay up as late as he wants to, and I keep enjoying the wonderful gifts he is freely  giving to me. :-) Earlier today, when we skyped, he gave me one of these gifts. We had talked for quite some time, and he wanted to end the conversation. But then I wanted to share a story with him or kept talking. I could have "ordered" him to stay and listen, but i did not do that.  If he had wanted to go, he could have. He knew what I wanted, but it was his decision whether he would end the conversation or not. And then  I saw how he sat back in his chair again, in a relaxed, open pose, smiling at me and signalling me with his body language: "Baby, I am here. I am all yours. I am listening. I wanna hear what you are saying." That was a wonderful moment. A gift after my liking :-)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

I fucking adore you!

Gregory is good for me. He makes me feel loved, and cherished, and valued, and seen.
Over the last months my feelings for him have become even stronger and stronger.  He brings out the good in me. He allows me to bring to life facets of my personality that have been dormant for a very long time.

I know, I know, you all wanna hear the kinky stuff. On the surface there is not much kink going on between us. For some reason I was not able to make him write any lines for me ever again. I tried  a few approaches, none of which worked though. 

But on a deeper level he is the most submissive boyfriend you can think of. Whenever I have a question, request, demand, need... he is there for me. Always. He is literally available for me  24/7. If he is busy at work, he gets back to me asap.

The way he is treating me is very calming and reassuring for me. It allows me to feel safe. It allows me to take deep breaths and relax. It allows me to "not always be active and do and give". 

I am learning constantly from him. I am healing old wounds from my past. And I enjoy every moment I can spend with him.

He listens to me and my stories, he makes me laugh, he opens up to me emotionally and shares his life with me. He says he is not good with words, but he sends me the most beautiful text messages and says the most wonderful things to me.

I did shy away from any kinky activity with him recently, because I was so afraid he might not like it. I was afraid that I would do something that could somehow make him leave me. Not that he ever indicated anything like that. It was just something I feared. 

 I know what it feels like to lose a good guy. And Gregory is definitely a good man.  I did not want to experience that again. So I played a bit safe and did not do kink with him. But that was just a temporary thing. I was overwhelmed by the love I am feeling for him. I can't wait to get back on the kinky track with him. :-) 

He is, as always, accepting what I decide. 

I told him a few days ago: "Gregory, I fucking adore you!"

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

good times

Things between Gregory and me are good. Very good actually. 
Our relationship fine tuning is getting better and better. A dissonance once in a while is to be expected and something we can deal with.

So, what did we do?

I keep telling Gregory once in a while: "It´all your fault, lol. Keep in mind, if there is something not working out, you are the one to blame"
And he´s like: "Aha!" :-)

But in reality, if there is a problem in the relationship, I tend to ponder about MY responsibility and MY role in it. Not his. I am learning to give him the benefit of the doubt. Always. He deserves it. He is a good guy. I don`t remember one single moment when he intentionally tried to hurt me. He has opened his heart and home to me.

He is doing an awesome job in making me feel loved, cherished and valued. He makes me laugh. I admire him. He is reliable. He is supporting me in ways I had not experienced in my life before. And he is frigging hot. I am calling him "pretty boy" for a reason. I want to touch him constantly. When I spent time with him in the USA, I DID touch him constantly. And when I see him on Skype these days, I am longing for the moment to hold him in my arms again. :-) 

There is not much kink going on in our life these days. I tried to start a few kinky activities, but he did not have time or was not in the mood for it. I accepted it and did not "make" him submit to me. I guess I could have been more demanding and bossy, but the thing is: I don`t want to make his life harder. I could experience numerous times that he does indeed want to be obedient and good to me. He has proven it to me many many times. But when real life is on his mind and if I am in these situations forcing him to do kinky things for and with me, it does not relax him. It stresses him. And that´s not something I want. 

I am sure that things will be much more kink related again when I am actually living with him again. Long distance is challenging. And some things just cant be done "long distance".

I do have however found a way that always works for the two of us. Once in a while I insist that we spent some CFNM quality time in his bedroom. I tell him to strip and as soon as he is completely naked, he cannot "hide" his submissive side anymore. The sub in him is taking over in these situations. He is super cute in these moments.  He is emotionally open and pretty much completely unprotected. Completely focused on me. I LOVE these moments.

In sum:
there is one thing that makes me so happy these days:
Gregory loves me and  he allows me to love him with all my heart.
That´s pretty much all I ever wanted.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

what am I thinking ;-)

Lady Grey brought up a very good question:

"I know I have changed my behavior towards Gregory. I used to be fearless and bold. But now I am always double checking: "is this ok for you too?" It takes away all of my dominance".
Yes indeed, it does take away all of your dominance, and it's hard to know why you're accepting that since you also say:
"But I already told Gregory that I wont give up the kink (again). I am older now, and I know better what I want, and I know what makes me happy. And the kink is an important part of my personality".
I think the question she and many of my readers are asking themselves is:  what on earth am I thinking ;-) 

I can report that I am indeed thinking a lot. My brain is constantly working. And sometimes I am just thinking too much. And I guess this is one of the reasons that led to the strange situation between Gregory and me.

Generally speaking: I don`t believe in female supremacy. I don`t believe that women are generally better or smarter or better leaders than men. 

As far as the kink goes, I am not interested in role play or dressing up or costumes or leather and latex. I just get turned on by the idea that a loving and caring woman, in order to give her partner some needed and valuable guidance, uses domestic discipline and kink to bring him back on track. Domestic discipline, as I see and love it, is a caring and loving act.

I am a lawyer in my daily life. I counsel and guide people all day long. I give advice constantly. I am a bit of a know it all ;-) And from a young age on, I have helped tons of couples to save their relationships. I don`t want to sound too arrogant, but I am really good at understanding other peoples problems and I often see solutions and win win situations where other people don`t see them.

In the past, I loved domestic discipline moments when I thought I know something that the guy does, for some reason, not know or understand yet. Like: "I make the decision, I know what´s good for you". Eg: sending him to be early, because he needs his sleep. 

Another scenario that always worked for me was: Guy does something really dumb, we both know he did something stupid, and in order to move on and let the stupid deed behind us he gets punished.
Eg: sending him to bed early because he keeps texting and driving. 

One thing that also always worked for me was punishing the guy for a real life thing he had done, in order to stop him from punishing himself for it. Like: "I am the only one who is allowed to punish you. That self-punishing thing stops immediately. You are way to hard on yourself" 

Domestic discipline has also always been a great tool for me to confront the guy and to tell him: "Stop it. I am not happy about it/your behavior". 
I have to face so many confrontations in my business life, I just don`t want to have them in my private life . In my private life I try to avoid confrontations. But on the other hand: sometimes a confrontation is necessary. For me, in my line of thinking, domestic discipline was a great way to address issues, without actually arguing about it. I could let the guy know that I did not like something, without actually causing an argument. I could let him know that I did not like his behavior but that I still like him very much.

This was pretty much the situation in the past.
Then there was a paradigm shift in my life and in my thinking. I suddenly understood that most likely I do not know what is best for other people. I learned to focus on me and I learned to trust that other people are able to solve their own problems , even without me ;-) I had to learn that it is  not my job to save the world. I understood that every person on this planet has his or her own challenges and tasks to master. And that it is impossible for me or anybody else to "carry" a person over such a task. I had to accept that I can't save anybody from anything. Not even with the power of my love.

In addition to that: Right from the beginning Gregory told me that it would be really hard and difficult for him if I punished him for a real life thing. He said: "If I mess up in real life, I feel already terrible. And if I get punished for it by you, I will probably feel even worse."

Plus: Gregory is a super sound and responsible guy. He is dedicated to his family obligations and to his job. And he showers me with affection. Just today, for instance, he spent over an hour teaching me with endless patience  some -for me- new drawing techniques.

He makes sure I know where I stand with him. I never doubted even for a second that he thinks I am awesome. (well, lol, I actually am awesome in real life. It´s really hard not to like me ;-)  )

So, when he did not write that first writing assignment, I thought among else:
-he might have his reasons for it
-I dont know what´s best for him anyway
-he doesn't see it as a problem, maybe I am making a big thing out of nothing

But my "overlooking "it made the situation worse. I felt hurt and foolish. And I did not know how to address the situation. And him not writing the following 2 writing assignments either did not exactly help ;-)

We did however finally sort everything out. How? That is something I am gonna write about in my next post ;-)

Friday, September 16, 2016

finding the right balance between vanilla life and domestic discipline

Gregory said to me the other day: " I noticed you have not updated your blog in quite a while?".

And I replied by saying: "Yes, it´s difficult".

I did not write about it because I was not sure what exactly is going on between Gregory and I. And actually, I am still not sure what is going on between us, but I am in a great mood today and I think: whatever it is , we will figure it out. We always do :-)

So here it is, the latest update on the Gregory and Tina saga :-)

Let me begin by giving you an update on some fundamentals:

Gregory and I are still together.
We love each other.
I love him.
He loves me.
We hang out daily.
We laugh, we talk, we argue, we make plans for the future, we have each others backs.
We share our life together.
We care about each other.
He will come to visit me in Germany soon.
I will spend a couple of weeks over Christmas and New Years with him in the US.

In the last couple of weeks we were able to build quite a stable and solid foundation for our relationship. Spending time with him feels very familiar and warm. I trust him, I love him, I miss him, I wanna touch him, I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

One strange thing did happen though:

We stopped all kinky activity.

Or to be more precise: since I am the domme , "I" stopped all kinky activity with him.
And please note: the following words represent only my side of the story. I am sure that he would add a few facts that he sees to be important. All i am doing here is  sharing my side of the story.

I had given him some lines to write and he had not written them. This happened 3 times. The first time, when I asked him: "why did you not write them?" He said something along the line of: "It was such a beautiful night, I was sitting in the garden, and enjoying the peaceful, calm night"" And I was thinking: What???? At that time though, I was not in the mood for a scene and decided not to confront him about it. I just let it go. I thought: to myself "well, he has such a busy life, cut him some slack."
And keep in mind, I love this man, I dont wanna do anything he does not really want to do. So I tried to ignore the fact that he had not written the lines that I wanted him to write. I thought to myself: "Don't make a big deal out of it."

A while later I  gave him another writing assignment. He was super busy and could not write it.  i told him I am not happy about him not writing it, we argued about it, he told me that I am overreacting, that he cannot actually be there for me 24/7 and that - whether I like it or not- there are other things in his life he has to take care of too. He gave me 10 specific things he had had to do that day, and he told me that he feels I am treating him unfairly by expecting im to neglect all his other chores for a domestic discipline related writing assignment. He told me he had to prioritize.
We argued about it, we reconciled, we moved on.

And then it happened a 3rd time. I told him: "write me the lines, the lines that you did not write earlier, and write them till noon." And he replied with "yes ma `am." I was happy. I thought: "Cool, now we are back on track."
But I never got the lines. We argued about it and he told me that he could not possibly write the lines till noon and that I just don`t understand that he has a lot on his plate and that he is trying to make me happy but that my demands are just not reasonable, given his vanilla life chores and tasks.
I asked him: "why did you not just say so to me when I gave you the writing assignment? Why did you reply with "Yes ma `am", even though you knew you could not do it?
And he replied: "saying "yes ma `am", that ´s my default mode."
We argued and we moved on, because we both actually do like each other a lot :-)

By now the idea of giving him a writing assignment has completely lost it´s appeal to me. If he is not getting  some sort of good kick out of it, I am not interested in writing assignments at all anymore.
 i am tired of arguing about getting a frigging paper with some written lines on it.
It´s just not worth it. If he does not want to write them, I dont insist on him writing any lines for me ever again.
I told him that it hurts my feelings if he does not follow a kinky order.
And I think me telling him that my feelings got hurt makes him feeling very uncomfortable.
So due to the kink we were both feeling "not good".

For a while  I thought: "let´s end all dd activity and just focus on the vanilla aspects of our relationship."
At on point he made the same proposal to me: "shall we just skip the domestic discipline aspect?"

Gregory is always willing to talk about our relationship and his feelings and us. Which is a cool thing. He is the one who reminded me a couple of times by now of the importance of good communication. And I am willing to learn. As I learned in the past, my communication skills are not as beautiful as I want them to be ;-)

So i do know, that neither I nor Gregory want to give up the kink and domestic discipline for good. it´s a bit strange. We want the same thing, but we cannot find a way right now to allow for us to have what we both want...

I am not exactly sure about the time frame, but at one point I sent him the following email:

"I am not sure if you are completely aware of it, but there has been a  big " shift" in our relationship.
I switched to being a little girl.
That happened easily for me, because there is so much I admire you for in the real world.
I like it a lot that you are a real man who is used to taking care of your own business.
And when we are drawing sketches together it is only natural that you are in control.
All I do is striving to get your approval.
And at the same time, i feel sometimes a need to rebel against you, because from my pov you are so powerful now.
When we "argue" , we argue but there is no "amicable banter", there is no easy play.
I stopped dd playing with you, because I was afraid you did not like what I was offering. I did not want to force some play unto you."

After I sent him that email we argued again , lol.

He´s like: "You are the domme. Feel free to do what you want. You worry too much. You are doing fine. I love you.  I like what you are offering. Just bring the kink on."

All I know is: Gregory is exactly the right man for me at the exactly right time. It´s no coincidence that he is in my life now. He enriches my life in many many ways. I love him from the bottom of my heart :-)

Saturday, August 20, 2016

a lesson for Gregory in real life domestic discipline

Gregory was in a sad mood yesterday. He was feeling blue and doubting his professional skills. From my perspective, there was no reason at all for him to doubt himself or to doubt his professional skills, but it was not really possible for me to reach him emotionally.  His inner talk was harsher than I could or would ever be with him.

I wanted to hug him so badly. I wanted to touch him, and feel him, and let him feel me. I know that I can be pretty convincing when I am physically around. I am good at comforting or scolding ;-) But it is almost impossible for me to support him in one way or the other through mere text messages or through Skype while other family members are around.

So I insisted on having private time with him. I demanded his obedience, even though he was not really in the mood for it.

We postponed our "time together" 2 or 3 times during the course of the day, but in the evening he showed up on Skype and was all mine.  

I did not lose much time and told him to strip and show me his cock. It felt unusual cold, because there was no foreplay at all. Not even some amicable banter. I usually try to create a good atmosphere for the two of us first. But I did not do that yesterday. 

I was not angry at him, so I did not bring any fire in the scene. And the warmth of my love did hardly get through to him. He seemed resigned and disheartened. 

I made him present his cock to me, which brought me in a very good mood immediately, and then told him to stand in the corner for me. 

He stood in the corner, and for a while it seemed like he was emotionally getting calmer and more relaxed. As soon as he was motionlessly standing in the corner, I was once again amazed by his beauty and by the fact that this impressive man is mine now.

I made him stand in the corner for about 15 min, during which I once in a while made him change the positions of his arms. He was obeying and quietly following my orders. But I could tell, just by watching his body, that he was not ok. I knew, something was off. 

I told him to turn around and to face me. I wanted to see what´s going on. I looked at him and I saw that he was still very sad and dispirited.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to caress his face and hold him in my arms.

He apologized to me. He said something like: "I am sorry. I am just not feeling good today. I am not in the mood for "it". I am not in the right frame of mind."

And this is when I - surprisingly even to myself, lol- used all my female power over him and told him: 

"Gregory, I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. But you know, that does not really matter right now. Right now your job is to please me. At the moment, my needs are more important than your needs. This is how it is now."

I will never forget the look on his face that moment. Astonishment, surprise, understanding, acceptance. I could tell he had not been expecting such a statement from me. And at the same time he knew that in a domestic discipline relationship it is my "right" to make such a statement and to demand obedience even when he is overwhelmed by feelings from the realm of "real life". He did not try to argue with me. He knew I was right. But it was tough for him. 

That moment pretty much marks the change from "play" to "real life domestic discipline". He was not in control anymore. He had to do what I wanted him to do, despite the fact that he was not in the mood for it.

I did not make him get back in the corner. I made him sit down with me and talk instead.  I could tell that he wanted to end the conversation a few times, but at the same time he knew that I expected obedience from him and that obedience at that moment meant: staying and talking to me. So he stayed and talked.

We talked for a while, I told him: "Yeah, I understand, your life really sucks. All these problems. And on top of it you are not even allowed to come" ;-)
(He did not think that was a funny comment,  lol, but I do.)

For me, the fact that he stayed in the conversation, even opened up to me, shared some stuff with me, was very cool. I liked it a lot. And the fact that it was difficult for him made it even hotter for me. 

He did relax somewhat during our conversation. I threw some love bombs on him. Told him how much I appreciate him in my life. And after a while I told him that I am now satisfied, that I very much liked his obedience today and that he is now free to go on with his day.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

orgasm control

Most of the time Gregory has permission to jerk off whenever he wants to. His life is hard anyway, with me being so far away ;-)

But sometimes I just tell him: 
"No, you cannot play with yourself. I don`t want you to. I want you denied, and needy and horny as hell. I want you to wait till you get my explicit permission to jerk off again."

Usually the story goes like this:
He is obedient and does what I tell him to do. 
It turns me on so immensely that I tell him pretty soon again: "Now come for me".
Which he does, and I enjoy.
Win- win ;-)

Yesterday I told him again: 
"I dont want you to come. Wait till you get my permission again." 
He replied by texting me "yes ma `am ".
So far, so good.

 In the evening I sent him a message:
Gregory, you were allowed to jerk off yesterday night, you are forbidden from doing it tonight.
I made an executive decision. 
Instead of jerking off tonight I want you to write me 50 lines:
"Tina, thank you for keeping me denied."
Stay good for me, my pretty boy! 

It was not much. Just 50 short, sweet and easy lines. All I wanted was a token.

I woke up to an email from him in which he explained to me that he could not write the lines because he was too exhausted after a very long day. He was telling the truth, his day, especially his evening had been filled with other important things he actually had to do. But still, I mean 50 frigging lines of seven words?

My first reaction:
I felt hurt. I felt unrespected. I felt like a fool. I felt like an idiot. I felt not valued and I felt angry. I felt like: I am too fucking stupid to even be a proper domme to the guy I love. 
He is doing what he wants, and I am like a suburban housewife who is pretending to be a domme..

But now my process of coping started by "sugarcoating" the thing for myself. By changing perspectives. By trying to be open minded. By trying to put myself in his shoes, by giving him the benefit of the doubt, by finding lessons in it for me.  

I was asking myself: what can I learn from this? What am I learning right now? why am I in such a situation right now?

My experience is: people rarely try to actually hurt me. Its more that they are dealing with their own life, or acting in a "not ideal" way because they are dealing with own stuff.

For me, it is very important to be in control and big picture and forgiving.   I honestly dont remember one person I hold a grudge against. In a way, I try to see all people as teachers. Of course, it is difficult, and sometimes I am struggling with it, but in the big scheme of things it is highly important for me to not let the actions or words of other people affect me too much. 

I am a criminal law defense attorney in my heart. I always try to find mitigating circumstances in other peoples behavior. Always. And I do believe Gregory when he said he was too exhausted for it. 

He had had tons of things to do, and I had slowed down  his schedule quite a bit by asking him to practice drawing sketches with me in the afternoon for about an hour. Which he had done and which I had enjoyed very much! But still, I wanted to teach him a lesson. I wanted him to know: it pays to be obedient. So I sent him the following message:

Gregory, I am so sorry to hear that you could not write the lines. 
I understand you were too exhausted. I know you had a very long and busy day yesterday.
The thing is: I wanted to give you the most wonderful release this morning. I wanted you to come for me and come under my guidance this morning, and wanted you to be all relaxed and content and happy when you start your super busy wednesday. 
Unfortunately, you didn't write the lines, which means you can't get a release today. 
I hope your hot, sexy cock is not making too many problems today. You have to somehow find a way to deal with being horny and denied today. 
Sorry, my pretty boy. You know, I love your cock. And I love playing with your cock, but we can't do it today.
He took it well. He obediently accepted my decision and I got a "yes ma ´am " from him. 

We had a good conversation later today. He is denied but happy, I am happy too and I am enjoying the fact that he is denied. He tells me often that he loves me. And me, I am so much in love with this guy, there are no words for it :-)

Sunday, August 14, 2016

it feels so warm

Spending time with Gregory feels so unbelievably warm and good and familiar, it is as if we knew each other for a long time already. We spent hours together again today, "drawing sketches" together. He is a wonderful teacher and he is  like a muse to me. He inspires me to rediscover old and hidden feelings. My love for art and music is back. I am open and receptive for the beauty of art again.

I had wanted a guy like him for a very very long time. I am sure that it is no coincidence that he is in my life now. I know I attracted him into my life. I had even prayed for him and me and us, during my months of doing nothing but internal, emotional work.  So, in a way, it is no surprise that he is in my life now. I can honestly say: I had done my emotional homework ;-) 

It is very easy with Gregory. Most of the time I can read him pretty well. He is open and outgoing and good at socializing with people. And he likes to brag about me being his girlfriend as much as I like bragging about him being my boyfriend ;-)

I sent him a text message the other day, and  I told him: "I need to talk with you about something. And I need to do it in writing, because I am too shy to say it in a real conversation".Then I was sharing with him some of my personal insecurities regarding being kissed. I was very nervous when I did that, but he was super sweet. He replied by saying: "Yeah, I had thought about this subject recently. And I am all like: I hope I am doing ok". 
I LOVED his reaction. 
And for the record: he is doing more than ok ;-)

I did not do anything kinky with him recently. Real life had been challenging a bit, and I preferd hanging out with Gregory and talking and laughing with him. 

I know he has physical needs. He is a man. Unfortunately for me, I think he is craving more physical stuff than  mental D/s. That, obviously, is a problem. He wants/needs something and I cannot deliver at the moment. We are trying to figure out what to do with it...

With me and my needs it is much easier: For instance when I hear him address me as  "Ma `am" , I am almost immediately ready to come. I just LOVE when he does that. 

One night, when he was just about to go to bed, and I was already up for my day,  we skyped and I told him to get undressed and to stand in the corner for me. I had not even been planing anything. I just went with the flow. And it felt right to be strict and demanding with him that night. So I made him stand in the corner and I let him stand there. It was a peaceful morning in Germany, and he later told me that he could hear the german birds sing, while he was standing in his corner in the US. He did not have much other distraction, because I was making him stand there a loooooooong time. 

He was all submissive and obedient. I gave him some orders once in a while. Made him change positions, sometimes scolded him for fidgeting, told him that he is my boy now and that he is mine now. I  let him know over and over again how beautiful he is and how much I enjoy having him in my life.  He was totally doing whatever I wanted him to do. It was very very hot for me, to say the least. 

I was so very much enjoying that beautiful naked  man standing there just because I wanted him to, it was WON-DER-FUL. 

He served me for full 90 minutes. You might think; "what's the big deal with 90 min?" But let me assure you, standing in a corner for 90 minutes is not easy at all. Try to do it yourself ;-)  It takes a lot of dedication and a lot of submission. And: He did not get any sexual stimulation during that time, whereas I absolutely used the time to play with myself ;-)  

In sum: I am very glad Gregory is in my life now! He is a very pretty boy, inside and out.

Friday, August 5, 2016

It´s cruel to be nice?

Real life has come in the way for Gregory and me a bit recently. He had to focus on buying car(s) and he is super busy in his job.  I was in Berlin meeting people and working on highly emotional stuff with them. I was somehow dealing with the german -israeli relationship and we were talking about world war 2 and all sorts of related subjects. Heavy subjects. Very heavy subjects.

In the evenings, I just fell into my hotel bed in Berlin and slept immediately. I was completely drained. I had to process so much in Berlin, I did not feel like playing at all.

I texted with Gregory and even skyped with him a few times. And I told Gregory something along the line of: "I know, I am somewhat neglecting you at the moment, but you are just so damn cute and I just "have" to be nice to you at the moment. It´s impossible for me to "punish"you or to be "mean" to you. You are so sweet and all I wanna do at the moment is to caress you and be nice to you." 

And Gregory replied by texting: "it´s cruel to be nice"

I have been pondering about his words a lot. 
I want him to be happy with me. 
I want him to be fulfilled with me.
I dont wanna do anything wrong. 
I am always a bit afraid that what I am offering to him is not good enough.

I dont want to be cruel to him. 
Being cruel does not turn me on. 
And I really don`t wanna be cruel to him by being nice to him. 
I want to be nice to him because he is a very warm and good man. He deserves to be treated nicely. It is fun for me to be nice to him. It makes me happy to be nice to him. It makes me feel good.

Sometimes I just want to hang out with him, talk about food or coke zero or how to mow the lawn. I need these moments because they make me happy and they make me regain my strength. I need these moments when I have his shoulder to lean on or his arms to relax in.

For me, these moments are as important as the kink. Actually, the kink is most fulfilling for me when I have these vanilla and nice moments with the man too.

I think for me it is like this:
The man, by submitting to me in the kinky/domestic discipline context, "proves" to me that I am special to him. He allows me to do things with him and to him, that other people can't do to him.

His submission to me in the kinky context allows me to "let go" a bit of my tension in the vanilla context. For me, it is generally quite difficult to show weakness and exhaustion. I am so used to being the strong one, that showing anything but strength does not come easily to me at all.

In a way, these "vanilla" moments are some sort of foreplay for me. I need these moments with the man in order to recharge my energy. Once my energy is back, there is no doubt what I want:
I want his submission and his obedience and I want to hear him say "yes ma` am".  I want to play with his cock and keep him denied, I want to give him a spanking, I want to play with his ass, I want him to lick my pussy, I want him to present his ass to me during a caning, I want to send him to a corner for punishment, I want him to write lines for me, I want to hear his voice change its color into submissive mode,... I want him to be my submissive pretty boy.

In sum: I am not trying to be cruel when I am being nice to Gregory.
For me , it works like this:
Be nice to me and let me be nice to you, and then will I be "cruel" to you ;-)

Not sure if this makes sense to you, but it totally does make sense to me.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

how can I make my wife dominate me?

Once in a while a guy sends me an email and asks me:

My marriage is not too god right now. We have kids but we have not had sex in a long time. I am thinking about getting a divorce, or having a mistress.
Tina, how can I make my wife interested in domestic discipline?  How can I tell her about my submissive side? How can I make her wanting to dominate me?

Here is what I think:

Begin by loving your wife. In the English language, "to love" is  a verb. It is actually possible to actively love somebody. Love her, even though she might not give you much love, affection or comfort lately. If you love her with all your heart, she will sooner or later feel it. And it will give you the very cool feeling of doing the right thing.

Take a deep breath, relax and try not to push things as far as the relationship is concerned.

There is a masterplan in order to come successfully through med school or to pass the bar exam, but there is just no such masterplan in regards to your marriage.
Both of you, you just have a huge responsibility with work and family, socializing and school/kindergarden (whatever). Having a hot and fullfilling sexlife under these circumstances is almost impossible. So what I am saying is: you are not doing worse than other couples are doing. Don`t panic, stay calm and don`t do anything stupid.

  • "it is NOW without any intimacy and closeness"
The good news is: intimacy and closeness can come back. You once had it with her, this indicates to both of you marrying for love reasons and not for money or reputation or stuff. So there is a strong foundation where the two of you can build on again. I am sure your wife does not want to lose you. You are the father of her kids, you care about the kids.

  • "I discovered the world of D/s"

 D/s is a great way of letting go in a controlled and safe environment. And in a way it is good for you that you found that way of letting go some of the tension through it. Better than drugs and alcohol and stuff. :-)

Do not push your wife in that direction too much.  
Start by courting her again: in a very very very very very very very  vanilly way of life. 
Did I make myself clear? let me repeat it: court her in a vanilla way.

And when you are courting her, do NOT expect anything in return. 
Love her, nothing more. Tell her that she is doing a good job with the kids. Tell her that you are glad that she is in your life. tell her that you are happy that she is so successful in the job she is doing

  • "She wants equality in marriage"
She wants equality in marriage?  thats fine. I want that too.
Sometimes I lead and sometimes the man leads. Its just a matter of finding the right balance.

 What is something small you want her to do to you in the kinky context? I dont know, I am asking you, what is it that you would like her to do to you?
denying you an orgasm?
telling you that you can't watch the MLB game on tv?
be more bossy with you at home?

Become clear first about what it is that turns you on. What is it that you want from her for a start.
Depending on it, it is important that you explain to her what you need and why you need it.
tell her that you are feeling very afraid and shaken and insecure. that you dont want to overwhelm her. But that it is just something you would like to explore with her.
Tell her, that it does not affect your ability to be her rock and her equal partner  when the two of you are facing the world, but that it is just something you want her to do to you in private.

Give her time to ponder.
Find something that is hot for you, but not too hardcore for her ;-)
And build from that slowly but steady.

Give her a chance to learn and understand this thing we are doing.
And even if she is not jumping into it enthusiastically , it´s not the end of the world, It only means you need to do a better job in explaining your feelings to her.
There is not a woman on earth who does not like it when a guy shares his feelings with her, believe me :-)

Basically: TALK TO HER. Share your feelings again with her. Write her a nice text message, saying that you are missing her when she is on a business trip, all these little things that make a womans heart melt. You know exactly what I am talking about, because you did all these things when you were newly engaged... So use your brains and do these things again. make her fall in love with you again. 

Relationship problems are about the last thing she needs. Most likely, if you are not happy in the relationship, she is not happy either. So work on making both of you happy again!!!!

If you have any money left  take a day or two days off from work and spend it with her only. Go for a walk, or play tennis with her or go and have a nice dinner together, no need to fly to NYC and go to the opera there. Just have a relaxed and fun day together with her doing nothing but pampering her and having fun with her. At this point of time you have to invest in the relationship. and I think the two of you, more than anything else you need time together. 

Only when the relationship is stable again bring up the kink. She might even give you what you want in that aspect then. But not now. 
If she is at least a bit like me, she needs to feel safe and cared for and loved and cherished and valued as woman, only then will dd and kink bring her pleasure. 

Friday, July 29, 2016

my birthday

Toady is my birthday.

If you have somewhat enjoyed my blog in the last 12 months, drop me a private message (diestarkefrau (at) yahoo(dot) com) and write me a few nice words.

It will mean a lot to me. A LOT.

I´d like  to have the feeling that I am surrounded by like-minded and caring and loving souls.

I´d like to be showered in your warmth and friendship.

And: feel free to send gifts too. I am open to receive all the abundance that the universe has to offer to me. :-)

I`d like to get as many tokens of love and friendship as possible. Tokens that remind me that I am valued and appreciated.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Wishing you all a fantastic day. 

Will write more awesome stories about me and Gregory soon.  Keep us in your prayers. :-)

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

being slapped in the face

 Judging from the stats of my little blog , you all wanna read more about face slaps. Your wish is my command.

I have been asked:

He said he was forcibly resisting being spanked, and that led to him being slapped in the face. I'm interested in your take on that, especially as a lawyer. From a legal perspective, the most logical inference that people would draw from forcible resistance is that consent to the spanking has been withdrawn, making it an illegal assault. Of course, the chances that it would be pursued legally are probably nil. However, that still begs the question of how to DD partners conduct themselves when consent has apparently been revoked.  
in that situation of forcible resistance, would you consider consent to be withdrawn, and if so, would you continue to try to force compliance via face slapping or otherwise? 

I can say one thing for sure: If I have the SLIGHTEST feeling that the man is withdrawing his consent, I stop whatever I am doing. I am not stopping because of the cops or fear that legal problems might arise. This is not something I even think about. I never even had legal problems in my whole life. In my life, with the relationships that I have, 3rd parties are never a problem. The bond between the man and me is always very strong. 

Even today,  without having spoken with my ex for about 2 years, I am 100% confident that he would (if actually necessary)  throw himself in front of a car for me. And the very same feeling I have with Gregory. Even though we only know each other a very short time, for me it is clear that he would do me no harm and that he cares about my well-being very much. And I care about his well-being very much and would not do any harm to him. We never speak about it because it is so obvious for me. 

Gregory and I had a huge as in HUGE argument when I was visiting him. I had done something that led him to believe that I had caused him A LOT of problems. (I had not actually caused any problems, but he did not know that at the time.) He was FURIOUS with me. And I was not exactly happy with him either. His emotions were super raw that night. And despite the feeling of betrayal he was feeling, despite his anger, despite his fear, we still spent the night in the same bed, next to each other. That night he probably had felt like I had stabbed him in the back, and still he let me be close to him. Despite the fact that he felt very much betrayed and hurt by me, he trusted me. And first thing in the morning we cleared the situation and the misunderstandings.
In hindsight, this night and our huge argument that night only strengthened my believe in Gregory and in the fact that he is worthy of  my attention and love.

So, if I have the feeling that the man is withdrawing his consent, I dont stop because I fear legal problems. I stop because if he is withdrawing his consent, I immediately lose all interest in "dominating" him. Gregory could tell you that he encourages me often to be strict with him, to punish him and to let my dominant side shine through.  And there are times when I am super strict with him. (I will tell you one day about the night when I told him to strip and stand in the corner. I watched him over Skype and let him stand there for 90 full minutes....). I need him to encourage me to be strict with him because I want to be sure that he is actually ok with what I am demanding from him.

If a man withdraws his consent, I see no sense in dominating him anymore. Because what I want from him is a gift. I want the gift of his submission. I want him to be strong, and strong minded and independent, and if he is all that, his gift of his submission to me is super valuable to me.

If I tell my partner in a domestic discipline context to do something, and he does not do it, I feel like a fool, like an idiot. I don`t get angry with my partner, and I don`t want to slap him in the face. I just feel very humiliated and tell myself: "well I am not gonna give him that much power over me again." 

From my point of view: the kink is something that we both have to want. Both the man and I need to want to do this. And if he refuses to obey, I am not gonna force him into submission.
In a way, I let him  have the power. It´s his decision whether he obeys or not. It´s his decision to resist or not. I don`t want him to test out some boundaries. I don t want him to brat.  I am offering him my heart, and it is his decision whether he takes it and obeys or ignores it and shows defiance.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

a slap in the face?

My 27 yo, very smart and very beautiful sister has very stormy relationships with the men in her life. She is currently dating a 22 yo german-turkish macho boy. She is older, smarter, richer and more experienced than he is. And I know that my sister `s independence and strong will is sometimes hard to stomach for that young man, who grew up with very different role models.

My sister and the young man, they actually physically fought in our kitchen the other night, and they both ended up on the kitchen floor with blisters and bruises on their bodies. They stayed very quiet while fighting, because allegedly they did not want to wake me up. (which I appreciated, lol). They are fine with each other again already, "Cads' fighting when ended is soon mended".

My sister told me all about the fight and the bruises the next day. I could see that she was not hurting in a bad way. She seemed to like the "drama". And she likes the fact that he is treating her roughly. Him treating her like that gives her a possibility to get physically with him too.

I listened to her story and tried to stay completely non-judgmental. The only thing I said was: "If a man treated me like that, I would lose all interest in him immediately."

And my sister asked me very bewildered: "Have you never slapped a man in the face?"
And my honest answer was and is: "No, I have never done that."

If a man acted around me in such a way that I wanted to slap him in the face, I`d leave him. 

In my thinking, in a vanilla context, slapping the partner in the face is super humiliating. It´s just something I am not willing to have in my life.

I saw my stepdad slap my mom in the face years ago. And it is a picture I never want to see again.

I think my point is:
It is a very strange thought that my little sister thinks it is completely normal for a woman to slap her man in the face.

Saturday, July 23, 2016


I am feeling super sad today. Today is the first day in many days that I actually have time for myself. It has been a stressful week with lots of financial and emotional drama in my life. I have been calming and comforting tons of people in the last couple of days. I felt good because my private life with Gregory gave me something to enjoy. And when I am feeling good, I can pretty much console and help everyone who wants me to. I supported a woman who was beaten up by her husband, I represented a friend in a criminal case, I went with a client to financial negotiations with a bank, I listened endlessly to my mother expressing her feelings because I knew it would make her feel better, I saw client after client, I spoke with doctors, lawyers, husbands, colleagues and and and.

But today is a day where I need to be comforted myself.

Gregory is still sleeping, due to the time difference. I can't blame him for not comforting me. He does not even know yet how I am feeling today. I am sure he is going to be there for me when I am telling him how I am feeling. 

But to be honest, I am scared that he can't catch me emotionally today. In my experience, generally speaking, the people I let in my life are rarely able to deal with a sad Tina. Me being sad and overwhelmed and feeling blue seems to shaken up the whole system. And Gregory has to face own challenges at the moment.

I had an intense vanilla conversation/discussion with Gregory recently. And he more or less told me that he does not share my seemingly somewhat naive optimism in regards to some vanilla problems we are facing. He probably thinks I am too naive and not understanding/seeing reality. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am well aware of reality. 

I tend to be optimistic and positive, I actually choose intentionally to be optimistic and positive, because for me being optimistic is essential to function. Sometimes, for instance,  my financial fear gets so huge, it literally freezes me and makes me pretty much paralyzed. And being in that state is not helpful for me at all. I need to be flexible and creative and courageous and emotional open in order to find solutions for the challenges I am facing in my life. I try to avoid these situations where I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And being optimistic and focusing on the positive is my approach of dealing with the challenging reality. 

Today though, I am the one who needs and wants to be comforted. I need other people to tell me that things are gonna be ok. That everything is working out for me. That good things are on my way and that I am valued and valuable.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

a hard question ;-)

Sometimes it is the little things that are the hardest....
Gregory knows all about corporal punishments. He can take a lot from a domme without even making a sound or moving a muscle. I know he feels on familiar territory with corporal punishment. Generally speaking, getting a corporal punishment from a domme is not something he is afraid of.

At the moment, I want something completely different from him though. I want him to accept my emotional and loving attention. I want him to allow himself to accept the love I am feeling for him. I want him to let himself fall in the warmth and care and securness that I am offering to him. And this is still a bit scary for him.

When I was in NYC with him, he has given to me and given to me and given to me. It was a super cool experience for me. I was showered in his affection and attention and all I had to do was to receive and to accept his care and warmth. Both physically and emotionally.

Now, with me back in Germany and him in the States, we can't do much corporal stuff, obviously. Now it´s time for me to focus on what I do best in life, emotions. Now it`s time to make sure he understands what a good job he has done in NYC. How much joy and happinness he has given to me. 

He is a great guy, a wonderful man, an amazing human being. And it is my pleasure to make sure he sees what I am seeing. But it is difficult to even go there.

I just told Gregory:

I want you. I chose you. There have to be reasons for that, right? 
I want you to give me 5 reasons. Why do I think you are a wonderful guy?  Me, I know the answers. But do you?

He dodged an answer, lol. That was to be expected. So I gave him a second chance and told him: "Go and water the lawn now. And give me the answer later."

His reply to that was:

Much later ;-) 
He is afraid to answer such a simple question? I do think that`s cute. ;-)

Friday, July 15, 2016

I see myself in him

I sometimes look at Gregory and I see myself in him. 

It is very easy for me to love him.  And loving him makes it easy for me to love myself and to allow his affection towards me. I do believe him when he showers me with affection. I do believe him because I feel exactly the same towards him.

We are similar in so many aspects.
He is a giver. He enjoys to make me happy. Giving is easy for him. He has given himself to me right from the beginning. Receiving is more difficult for him.

Sometimes he is doubting himself where there is no need at all for doubts. 
I told him how wonderful he is, and his reply was: "I hope I can live up to it"

He does not hide his emotions. He is very open with his feelings. 
He is a sensitive guy with a wide variety of emotions. And I have seen him show all colors of emotions.
*I saw him dealing with children and older family members in the most gentle and caring and soft way.
* I saw him completely lose his coolness with another guy in New York right on Times Square. The two men yelled at each other and cursed at each other, in so dirty ways I have not heard in a very long time.
* I saw him gleaming with  joy when he knew he had made me happy.
*I saw his eyes tearing up when he was disappointed with himself.
*I saw him full of raw lust and sexual energy.
*I saw him all vulnerable and out of control.
*I saw him all powerful and in complete control.
*I saw him giving me the most wonderful smile.

He started to teach me "to draw sketches" recently.  He has given me a lesson each night in the last few nights. And he is the most wonderful teacher. Patient, empowering, supportive, gentle, funny, is a lot of fun for me to learn from him. (Note: lol, I am not speaking about me learning to give a proper caning here, lol. I am not ready to practice caning yet.) He is silently signaling me: "You can do that, girl. Trust yourself. It´s fun. You are doing great!"
I told him: "It is difficult for me to draw sketches in front of you. Imagine you had to draw sketches in front of Picasso." And his reply was: "relax, remember, we are all little girls sometimes" . It was a reference to  a blog post I had written, where I had said: "I am so nervous to meet him, I feel like a little girl." And he had replied to me privately: "You know, guys can feel like little girls too"

Do I sound like a girl in love? well, I am :-)

Having him in my life feels very warm and familiar and good.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

a caning can be rocket science...

I avoided so far to write about some caning "activities" that went on between Gregory and I. I avoided talking about it because it had shaken me up quite a bit.

As far as bdsm is concerned, Gregory is an experienced guy. He has seen and done a lot. He has been submissive to some beautiful dominatrixes. He has even trained women to become a pro domme. And he has a high pain tolerance when it comes to corporal punishment. 

Me, I am doing this thing we do more on an emotional, domestic  level. I have never been to kinky parties, places etc. It´s more of a very intimate and personal thing for me. I dont think much about implements. I dont have any specific spanking implements and I just improvise. For instance, I spanked a man with the belt he was wearing at the time, and I spanked another man with a wooden kitchen spoon that was within my reach.

Generally speaking, I dont strive to reach the man through pain but through emotions. I am however more than willing to give him what he needs; I want him to be happy and fulfilled and with his needs satisfied. Seeing him happy and content makes me happy and content. If Gregory needs or wants or craves a severe caning, I am theoretically looking forward to provide him with one. That´s all cool with me. 

However, in practice, I pretty much messed up in NY.
One evening I gave him a caning. Or, to be more specific: I tried to give him a caning, lol. 
Whatever I did, nothing seemed to be right. And he is not even denying that. 

He thinks of caning as an art. Something that has to be done with knowledge and artistry. Something that needs to be practiced in order to be executed with perfection and precision.

And me, even just writing these words, my little girl mind completely shuts down and I am thinking in a pouting way: "Nooooooo, I don`t wanna do that. I don`t want to practice and learn and practice."

Really, I dont wanna practice a caning. I can't even fully explain why I am so overreacting here. I think it is because it triggers old wounds. I fell completely in a thinking of: "I am not good enough. And what I am doing is not good enough. " 

Gregory gave me some advice on how to improve the caning strokes. But I had problems to take his advice.  He once said to me: "You want me to shut up? I will shut up. And I will suffer for you. If that´s what you want. Only, I am telling you, it´s not a good feeling for me at all."

In his job, he does something that I think is very very very cool. I highly admire him for having the job he is having. It takes an incredible amount of dedication and self-discipline, to work in the area he is working in. I am enjoying every moment he is sharing some of his professional wisdom with me. I am his willing student as far as everything related to his job is concerned.

But I just don `t want to be his student as far as the kink is concerned. I just cannot do that. Really, I tried. I tried to be easy about it and relaxed and open and willing to learn from him. But it is very very difficult for me.

I do understand him, he needs the feeling that the woman who is caning his ass is actually knowing what she does. Especially considering the high intensity strokes he is craving, it´s among else a matter of safety for him and his pretty body.

And at the level he is playing, I dont know what I am doing. I was constantly worried to hurt him in a not good way, and I sometimes did. 

Don't get me wrong here, things between Gregory and I are fine. We have a million things we can do together and enjoy doing together. I just blame myself for being so dramatic with the whole caning thing.