Wednesday, January 6, 2016

punishment lines and MY pleasure

One of the things that is really turning me off is: stupid and emotionally unintelligent but demanding men. I am fed up of trying to explain stuff to people who are obviously not able to understand me. And I am flabbergasted by how entitled some guys feel.

In the past, I have pretty much always replied friendly to any email that has arrived in my inbox, even if I could see right away that the men and I are completely incompatible. I always gave the men the benefit of the doubt, always explained my positions and thoughts and ideas to them. I put a lot of effort in making them feel safe and cared for, even when I told them: Nope, it´s not gonna work with the two of us.

Yesterday I got a long email from a german guy who did not see me at all. And I am really pissed of. I am so angry, and I dont even know what to do with my anger. I just feel so not understood. Somehow old feelings and wounds seem to be triggered by that guy and his email.

His email involved the ever so famous subject of "making a man write punishment lines". It is a subject that men often wanna talk with me about and it seems as if I am among the very few woman who like handing out such a punishment. 

He basically wrote me: "Hey Mistress, I saw you are handing out punishment lines. It would be soooooo hot for me when you do a and b and c and d for me. And please do this during that time frame and it can take so and so long. And I want you to make me feel so and so while I have to write the punishment lines. And I want you to be strict with me. 

And you can make me do this how you want to, but not on such and such day, because such and such day is a holiday in the area where I live." So what he was saying with it was probably: "on holidays I have other things to do"...Yeah, lol, right...This is exactly what I am looking for. NOT!

I got his email and knew: This is not gonna work with the two of us EVER.
But instead of ignoring his email and not replying or just brushing him off, I wanted to be friendly and sent him an email telling him:

you know what you did not do? You did not change your perspective. The long email you sent was focused only around yourself and your needs. You did not think for a moment what I would need to make a decision for you. You have not given me any info on yourself at all. I dont want you to give up your anonymity, but telling me only your age and the city where you live is just not enough. In order to get a feeling of who you are I would need much more.
Please dont forget: In order to be successful you need to make a change of perspective.
And I want you to write that line for me 100 times and send me a picture when you are done.

Why did I tell him to write the 100 lines? Because I honestly thought that he could see his errors as soon as he is made to think about it. Plus: 100 lines does not take a long time to write and I knew he would enjoy that "punishment". After all, he IS into getting punishment lines. And he had made completely clear that 100 lines is within his frame of what he wants to do.

As expected, he wrote the lines and sent me a picture of it.
I replied by "well done" and he replied again something along the line of "I really hope you are taking me on as a student and give me many more lines. I can be a pretty naughty boy, especially to women and I deserve punishment for this and this reason". Despite having written 100 lines about the importance of a change of perspective, he was not able to switch from his perspective to mine.

I understood that there is no potential in him for me and I wrote him: 

"Dear XXX 
I will answer very honestly: No, there is not future.
We are looking for completely different things. You are interested in role plays and I am looking for something real, deep, long lasting. I dont play. I want to love and to be loved. If I- as I just did- hand out a punishment to you, we are energetically connected. Even if it seems as if I did not have much more to do than telling you "write that line 100 times", we are still vibrationally connected. In doing so I would give to you without receiving. And this is exactly something I dont wanna do in 2016 anymore.

For the german speaking readers; I added the real german email here. I really was open and caring and wishing him well when I wrote it.
Lieber XXX
ich antworte dir ehrlich und ohne um den heißen Brei herum zu reden:
Nein, das wird nichts mit uns beiden. Wir suchen völlig verschiedene Dinge. Du suchst ein Rollenspiel und ich suche was echtes und andauerndes und auf Zukunft aufbauendes und offenes. Ich will nicht spielen, ich will lieben und geliebt werden.
Wenn ich dir, wie gerade eben , eine Strafarbeit gebe, dann bin ich energetisch mit dir verbunden. Auch wenn ich scheinbar nichts weiter zu machen brauche als auf deine Strafarbeit zu warten, so sind wir doch miteinander verbunden. Ich würde geben, ohne genügend zu empfangen. Und das ist ja gerade etwas, das ich in 2016 ändern werde.
Alles Liebe

But of course, he fucking could not accept it. He wrote:  I dont think you are right. please dont give up on me. Love is too much of a word. I need punishment. It could be such a nice relationship.

I lost my patience and wrote:

"Let me be blunt: what is in it for me???
You want me to do something for you. To correct you and discipline you and punish you. And you have very specific ideas when and how I am supposed to do that. I do understand that this is all highly important to you.
And OF COURSE , there is love involved when I give you all that. That is not even a question. And I know you liked my first email, because I had thought about you and tried to feel you and gave you a custom made response. I had tried to understand you emotionally.
But what is it that you are willing to give to me?You dont see me as a woman at all. It is all about your needs and longings and wishes. That is ok , you can try to get your wishes fulfilled, but I wont do it."
And he replied:
"Of course it is about my needs to be dominated. And usually a Top`s needs are complementary (to my needs). You get your needs fulfilled by dominating me. That is not a one way street."

You know, I rarely wanna say this, but here I want: FUCK OFF. Get out of my life. Go and pay a professional dominatrix, but don`t waste my time. You fucking contacted me. You allegedly read my blog. My whole damn blog is full about what I am looking for and craving. How can you possibly think that I get turned on by dominating a random guy who I know nothing about and have no mental connection at all? A guy who is not willing to give me ANYTHING.  And even when I explicitly told you: "please try to understand my position" you were not able to see me as a woman.

For me, disciplining a man is a gift. A gift from me to the man. And I only want to give it to a guy who is worth my time and dedication and love and care. In order for me to get pleasure out of receiving punishment lines, I need to love the man. I need and want the man to give me access to his soul in order to get turned on by the punishment lines. For me, there is nothing more uninteresting than dominating a guy who I have no emotional and mental and warm connection with.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

New year, new goals

I have done a lot of soul searching over the holidays.  I have finally decided to acknowledge my own needs and to take my own needs seriously. And I realized that in 2016 I have to put me and my needs first. I am willing to take my own needs seriously. Especially my sexual needs and my needs in a relationship.

In a relationship I need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected and loved. 
Over the years I had become so afraid of appearing too needy that I had given up a healthy sense of entitlement. Very often I have given up the fulfillment of my needs in order to make the man happy. There has not always been a good balance in my relationship/love life. 

I have always been willing to smother the men in my life with attention and care and love and admiration, heck I have been told that I am clingy and intense, lol. And I know I am super intense sometimes. Always interested in "deep" and "emotional" stuff.  GIVING and being there for the guy was never a problem for me. But RECEIVING  has always been something that  is difficult for me.

In theory I should be surrounded by men who strive to please me and who want to fulfill my wishes and needs. Especially taking into consideration that I get turned on by kinky stuff and submissive men ;-)
But my reality is: Way too often I had almost completely lost myself because I was so focused on the needs of the men in my life. I did not pay attention to my own needs because I always thought that once the men`s needs were met, my needs are going to be fulfilled. And so I waited patiently for my time to come. Only my time never came.

It is a bit of a tricky thing for me with (you) submissive guys out there. You approach me with a cute email and big eyes and an open heart, you show me all your vulnerability that you usually hide,  and tell me how long you have been trying to find someone like me. I feel flattered, lol, and OF COURSE I want to give you what you are looking for. But I am much more than a dominant woman who understands all sorts of kinks and cravings. I am a complex woman with many vanilla interests, a colorful life, and - most importantly- own needs. And I do think that as much as the kink and domestic discipline means to me, most of all I am longing for a partner who accepts me and loves me with all my facets. And not only for being a dominant woman.

I am not blaming anybody here. I am just stating the obvious: I have done a lousy job in communicating and acknowledging and honoring my needs. And this is now changing. 2016 is gonna be MY year. I will finally be focused on having my needs met.