Saturday, October 30, 2010

"you are my goddess"?

I often read in femdom blogs that men refer to their woman as "goddess". To me, being called goddess does have no appeal at all. And this is not (only) linked to my christian believes, according to which there is no "goddess" anyway. For me it is important that I am having a REAL relationship. Not a projection of hot fantasies or a pipe dream. I want to be seen by my partner as the woman I am. I want to be acknowledged for who I am. And I am no goddess. I have my faults and flawns. No doubt about that.

I am not allmighty. I wish I would be... and sometimes I might even think I am just that. But then reality kicks in very hard and makes me realise that my power is limited indeed. I do not always have a solution to everything. I am trying as hard as I can to get along in life. And sometimes I am as hopeless as one can possible be. The idea of having a partner who would think of me as a "goddess" is not helpful at all in such situations.

There are enough situations in my life in which I feel vulnerable, little and needy. Just not "goddess" -like at all. In these situations I want to be able to show the important people in my life, especially my partner, my true despair.

And, according to my dictionary, there are all kinds of goddesses in the English language. Goddess of luck, goddess of war, mother goddess... you name it, but as far as I can tell there is just no goddess of despair...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

spanking is not really the core of it

I have been wanting to write a post like this for a long time. However, it showed to be a very difficult thing to do. It looks as if it was so difficult because it focuses on the center of my domestic discipline cravings. As well as on the center of who I am and what I am searching for in my life.

As for some background:
In the past, I did not always have responsible adults taking good care of me. From an early age on, I had to be responsible and sound myself. It is not as if my youth would have been terrible, but I got a few very hard hits while growing up. The men in my family were just not able to be there for me as much as I would have loved for them to be there for me. I have not had the feeling of having a powerful, loving and strong man having my six.

I saw a friend today. He is an expert in physiognomy and he told me that the features of my face would radiate something like: "Come to me. Talk to me. Let me give you a hug. Don`t be afraid. Even if the world is a difficult place to be in, I will be there for you."
And sorry, nope, I won`t post a picture of my face. I still have hopes of becoming one of the top lawyers in Germany one day and having my face published in my blog here would definitely not be helpful in reaching that goal... :-)
I do not know if my friend is right about the physiognomy aspect or if it is just balony, but the way he sees me is exactly the way I see myself walking through life. I am usually good in caring and comforting. "People "  and "feelings" are what I am most interested in life. I think due to the fac that I did not have a loving, strong and reliable authority figure in my life, I decided to be such a person for other people. I think I want to give them what I am craving most.

For me, domestic discipline is not all about spankings. Spankings are just one way of enableing me to make my point. They are a good means of showing the partner in uncertain ways that his behaviour is not acceptable, that he needs an attitude adjustment, that he better gets his act together, that I am not pleased. And, as has been stated many times before, spankings are a good way of providing the man with the feeling of being out of control, letting go of all responsibility and getting a clean slate again.

But there is a lot more under the surface. In my opinion, a man who is submitting to a woman for a spanking is devoting himself to the woman similar to a woman devoting herself to the man during sexual intercourse.

A lot has been written about how men feel about getting a spanking. About how effective it can be, about how a spanking can make him "a better man and a better partner". And in my opinion these assessments are all true. However, spankings are not the most relevant aspects in a relationship.

For me, it is much more of creating an atmosphere in which both partners feel safe and loved. An atmosphere  with clear rules and boundaries. An atmosphere in which trust, understanding, respect, belonging and love are prevailing.

I just recently found the following song on youtube, and I am stunned by the way it expresses exactly what I am feeling as far as any relationship with a man is concerned: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mOLx0fhkt0 For all of you familiar with the tv show ncis: this clip is even better. Gibbs is like the archetype of the man I have been looking for. (Hey, come on.., I am a girl after all, let me have my dreams).

I would never actually force my man to anything. Never. I am  too independent in life and too used to live without a partner and too used to solve my problems alone. In a way I am just inviting him to spend his life with me. I am offering my true love but the ultimate decision is his, as hard as it it might be for me to accept his answer.

I read Tom`s blog today http://maamyesmaam.blogspot.com/2010/10/ladies-choiceman-obeys.html and there was one statement who made me understand once more why I am attracted to spankings but not so much to bondage: the man has to stay in position by his own will alone. He could get up and walk away easily, but he chooses by his own will not to do that. And the message he is sending to his lady by doing that is powerful. As a woman, I love the idea that he is enduring something for me. Even though it might hurt him like crazy. And even though he does not enjoy being in that position right now.

Tom writes:  "The fact that he never totally breaks his position and even resumes the more exposing version speaks volumes to the compliance men like myself extend to our dominant women."And a reader adds: "I know for sure how that hurts, and yet he remains in position. The mystery of the submissive man I suppose."

Maybe the reason for the men to stay in position and to accept the spanking is pretty similar to the reasons why I feel attracted to spankings. I assume both for women and men it is not actually about the spanking but about the feeling of having a partner who cares. A partner who is interested in my well-being. A person who loves me enough to teach me right from wrong. A person who is willing to stick with me, even at times when I don`t deserve it.

Spankings seem to be the perfect way of telling the partner these things without actually speaking about it. For men, submitting to corporal discipline to a woman in real life is a BIG deal. It is not something easy to do.  And, as you all know, probably even better than I do :-), spanking a man is not something that comes easily to most women.

It is against all social laws and rules in society for either a man to submit or for a woman to be dominant. The fact that both partner do these things with each other in the relationship is a very strong indication that both man and woman think the reationship-and thus the partner- is special.

Friday, October 15, 2010

friday blues

It´s friday night here in Germany. I am feeling sad.

I would love to chat with a certain man in the US, but it seems like I am heming him in (?--- I do not even know the english term...I am pretty sure I have never done such a thing before in my whole life. But then, I have never been so interested in one man before either...)

I do not want to spoil all your  hot fantasies, but even a dominant woman does not know all the time what to do.

He did not say it explicitely, but my gut feeling tells me he would want for me to shut up for a little while. Give him some space. And in a way I do understand him. Both him and me are dealing with pressing real life problems.

But ME, I just would love to hear his voice, laugh with him, talk with him. This does ALWAYS make me happy.  I think he just does not realise how much even a short email from him would mean to me right now.

And, as much as I love to push a man, I would never push him towards me.

Ahhh, I am just at a loss  

Thursday, October 7, 2010

bad boy or good guy?

What do women who want DD really enjoy/want: A man who needs disciplining because he is wayward, or an obedient husband who does not?
Scally did ask me that question and I have to admit, I had never thought about it before. And - as always with personal questions within a domestic discipline context- there is not an easy answer. But I will try my best to share my feelings with you.

To be quite frankly, I am not interested in bad boys. I never fell for these kind of men. I might represent them in court, fight for them in private or business life and stand up for them, even in front of my friends and even when others might not do that... But in my private life, I need a tranquility which these men would not provide.

One man, an old friend from school, courted me a couple of years ago. He was really nice to me. But: He was also intending to become a member of   http://www.bandidos-mc-germany.de/ (He did not follow through with his plans, he is not and has never been part of that club. ) And even though he is somehow still in my life today, as a friend only, there was no way for me to get involved with him. Even though I had been pretty sad at the time, because I had no boyfriend and I felt really lonely, I never even considered changing his status from "friend" to anything more. Because he was just not what I have been looking for.

I am far more attracted by the good guys. Smart men, reliable men, men who make me laugh, men who are not afraid of entering an exclusive relationship with a woman. I am attracted by men who calm me down when I am afraid. I do not need a man in order to have more action in my life. I am very able of creating enough adventures and challenges in my life myself. So I do not want to worry about my man as far as him making something REALLY stupid goes. I need to have the certainty, that come hell or high waters, the man I am having a relationship with is a good, loving, trustworthy, caring and thoughtful man.  

Generally speaking:  On my search for my man, I have been looking for the whole deal. If I had written a wish list, I might have marked down something like:

I want a  man...
  • who is taking good care of me.
  • who is smarter than I am. 
  • who shares my values.
  • who has got a good emotional intelligence.
  • who has similar belives as I have.
  • who is able to give me room to grow myself.
  • who is honest, reliable and trustworthy. 
  • who does not believe in violence but in talk.
  • who is worthy of my overflowing love.

So, again, I am definitely interested in the good guys. All my following explanations are made in relation to the "good" men.

In order to fulfill all these requirements, "the " man has to be decent, respectable and fair. Any "bad boy" would just not match my profile. Having said that, this does not mean that I have been looking for Mr. Perfect. Nobody is perfect. We are allowed to make mistakes in life. And we all make mistakes.That`s ok. That is just the way it is and we better accept it.  So there will always be enough real reasons for a dominant woman to punish a submissive man.

I am not expecting a man to be my slave. I don`t expect him to be observant and obedient all the time. I am not willing and not able to be in dominant mood 24/7 either. For me it is imortant to have a partner who is on a par with me. So there will definitely be times when I give the man some slack. For me, the knowledge that he is generally willing to submit to my authority, and the knowledge that I could make him do or not do something right away, carries a lot of meaning. I do not aways need to actually follow through with it. This does not mean I would make empty threats. I am quite sure I don `t do that. It only means that it gives me the chance to watch a certain situation or a certain behavior of his with a freeing calmness. Because I do know all the time that if things get worse I can just intervene and stop it. However, once I made a decision to actually intervene, I am expecting the man to be obedient and to stop it.

I once scolded a man. I do not even remember why, it can not have been for something too serious. Anyway, I think I said something like: "I should punish you right away". And suddenly, for me fully unexpected, he asked me: "Can I please get a warning only?"  I got to tell you, for a moment I had been pretty much speechless. Because the way he had been asking me was so pure, so inocent, so undiluted... He had basically signaled me: "I know I have been wrong. I will accept whatever you are deciding. I recognise your authority. You are the one in charge...."  I can tell you, his demeanor went right in my heart and in my soul. And yes, I only gave him a warning at that time ...

I am not obsessed with disciplining a man. I am not hesitating to do it, but I do not actually "need" it to feel good. Even though I got to say, the dd concept and the possibilities it does bring for the woman do feel right for me. And I doubt that I could have such a deep and meaningfull relationship with any man who is not into domestic discipline. Personally, for me, the fact that a man is submitting to my authority, even on a corporal level, is the utimate proof that he is trusting me, caring about me and wanting to make things good with me. It shows that he is valueing my opinion, that he is respecting me and that he belives in my ability of taking good care of him.

For me, the element of discipline in a relationship is a lot about helping and guiding. If he is doing fine, why should I intervene and discipline him? I would not make up an excuse for administering any discipline. I have never done that. Either he screws up and gets a real punishment or he is behaving and gets a reward.

If his attitude is good, there is no doubt that I will do my best to make sure that he is getting whatever he might crave. My main goal is to have a happy relationship. So if he wants some playful bdsm games, that `s ok for me. I think I am pretty open about what I want from him too.

As I said, if I should feel that a punishment is in order, I might just administer it.
What I don`t want to have, I think, is bratting. I don`t want to be manipulated into giving a spanking or handing out punishments. I expect a man to let me know if he is having some needs that I, for some reasons, am not recognising. He needs or wants a spanking? He better just tell me...I do not want to guess all the time what`s going on within his mind. I know, this is a pretty difficult thing to do. Bratting seems to be the easier way for a man to get a spanking in order to relax. But this is not what makes me happy. I want a relationship were the partners are not afraid of talking about what they want or crave.

Hey, and don`t say: "ahhh, thats a too difficult demand" ... In my whole blog I have not once claimed not to have high expectations as far as any man in my life is concerned.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Thanksgiving

Today Germany is celebrating "Erntedank" which is like Thanksgiving, but without the turkey :-) And I want to remind you all that today, 20 years ago, Germany got reunited. Pretty unbelivable that the peaceful revolution actually took place and that despite all the challenges and problems the Germans are one nation again.



image courtesy of: www.nationalflaggen.de

On the personal front, there is much that I can be thankful for. And much of it is linked to this blog and to the people who wrote to me.

Thank you very much to all of you who accompagnied me on my way into "finding myself " and on my way into exploring domestic discipline.  You have all been a source of true inspiration and hope!
May you all find "the one", the one person who loves you just the way you are.You all deserve it.

The fact that I , through this blog, did actually find "my man" is still mind-blowing. I will fly to the US again in November. This time I did even ask him if it is ok for him if I come to see him. Remember, last time I just did book a flight without telling him...

There is still a lot going on in my life, but due to the fact that my private life got much better, I somehow developped a better attitude as far as my job goes. Money is still tight, but for the first time since becoming a lawyer I am sure that I want to continue to work in the legal business. Which is a BIG progress. The decision to stay a lawyer is made and I am sure that it is the right thing to do. So my "wavering" as far as my career goes has finally come to an end.  The "thesis issue" still hurts, but I guess one can not have it all in life. And I would always choose a happy private life over an academic career.

I just had to think of the following song. I am not sure if I like this singer or if I want to kick his butt in a not dd related way, well, I tend to wanna do the latter, lol, but at least he is entertaining. However, the song is good. Makes me smile. I am not on any proselytization mission, if you would ask my pastor, he would tell you that I am far from being a christian missionary  :-). Its just that the song came to my mind. So just skip the link if you are atheist or not interested in anything christian. I promise, I will not write about christian things in the next post. The "God " subject is keeping me busy because my life has changed lately in ways I would have never imagined. And I truely believe that God is the one responsible for it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_VNsSj3fLQ

Saturday, October 2, 2010

good sons

I did some deep soul searching lately. About what I want in life and about who I want to share my life with. As a byproduct, I kind of developped a theory as far as submissive men are concerened.

Note: I am only talking about submissive men who are (more or less) interested in the kind of loving domestic discipline relationship I am describing in my blog.   

Since I started all the debate about the biblical "prodigal son" likeness, let me explain my theory on the basis of that story. Even though it might not always match 100%. But since this is not my thesis, I am the one who can decide what to write and how to phrase it. I so like that feeling ! My (now former...) law professor is actually the only man these days who is able to make me "freeze" with fear. Even thinking about him makes me uncomfortable. With him, my dominant personality is almost invisible.  And: I do realise that we are all much more than "just" the older son or "just" the lost one.

Being in a loving domestic discipline relationship is complex. It is about love and being loved, about  boundaries and freedom, about holding and being held, about letting go and taking responsibility. And it is about trusting the partner enough to show him/her the most vulnerable side of the own personality. Men can have sex with a woman without caring about her. And women can sleep with a man, even if they don `t really want to. But one can not have a loving domestic discipline relationship without actually loving the partner. It is about much more than having made a mistake and therefore craving punishment and forgiveness. It is about much more than mechanically spanking a butt.

In my opinion, men who are interested in that kind of lifestyle tend to be a lot like the good/older son. Even though it is the prodigal son who seems to be more interesting from a discipline point of view, because it is him who messes up and then asks his father for forgiveness, I think the traits of the brother, the older son, are more dominant in submissive men.

Messing up big way, like the prodigal son did, and then, only when all hope is gone, asking the father for help and forgiveness, and even accept punishment, is not something extraordinary. It `s just a means of surviving in a difficult situation. The options are simple:
  • The prodigal son could have stayed where he was and starve to death 
or
  • go back to his fathers place, humble himself and in exchange of the humbling and embarrassement and even possible punishment: survive. 
So assuming the prodigal son did not have any suicidal thoughts, going back to his dad was the only logical thing to do. The pressure just had to be high enough for the son to understand that he can not make it alone any longer. Then he decided to go back in order to live. 

However, what submissive men in a domestic discipline relationship are doing is different. They are trying to be good husbands or boyfriends, they are wanting to be there for their lady in the first place. Generally speaking, they are not running away from home and responsibility in order to spend money or just having fun. Their intention is to try to build a foundation of reliabilty, trust and steadiness. And this is something most women love and would love to have to. Like the older son in the likeness is always there for his father, they want to be there for a woman. Stay with her, even when things are difficult, hard or just boring. It can not have been fun for the older son to live with his father, to dilligently work for him, while the younger brother travels the world, spends money and is enjoying himself. And still, the older brother did not waver and never stoped being there for the father.

My impression is, that submissive men are not lightly giving up a relationship with a woman in times of troubles and problems. Even though relationships do break up, even dd relationships.We all know that. But to me, it feels as if these men do have a special sense of responsibility. Running away is not something that these people usually do. Not from a partnership and not from challenges.

To stay in the biblical context: assuming that we are all sinners, and that there is no way for any human being not to mess up once in a while at least, there is no doubt that -even with the best intentions- even the good sons do not act appropriately or "behave" all the time. That `s just the way it is. You might try as hard as you can, but while being on earth you will screw up sometimes.

But here comes the unusual thing:
A man in a domestic discipline relationship does not try to hide between the fact that he has generally been good and only made an error of judgment "this time".
Ok,ok, he might bring it up in order to persuade the lady to not punish him as severly as she might do....but both partners do know, that the final decision is in the ladys hand and that he is going to accept whatever punishment she chooses. And the man will submit to his lady, even though  he might no like her decision at all.
But while the prodigal son did have a good reason to face his father and any possible punishment, namely: not to starve, the situation for men in a dd relationship is different.

There is no real external reason for a man to submit to a womans punishment. It is not even something he can brag about in public. Vanilla friends most of the time do just not understand what is going on within a domestic discipine relationship.If they hear about it, there is always the danger of being the center of stupid comments and/or inappropriate jokes. So dd  has to happen in the privacy of the relationship. Being disciplined by a woman and wanting the woman to take the lead in the relationship is something that is not linked to other people. A man might tell his friends if he had sex with two women or if he cheated on his wife. It might even be ok for him to tell friends about some bdsm experiences with a paid woman in a brothel. But in my experience,  it `s a totally different thing to speak openly about any real punishments from his own lady. Domestic discipline seems to be just a too intimate thing between the woman and the man. My guess is, it is because both the woman and the man in such a relationship do show each other the raw feelings. In a way it is a very serious thing, even though the partners might use a playful approach to it.

If the man does not generally agree to be punished, there is not much the woman can actually do to punish him. Especially in times when it is very easy to break up a relationship. He can always leave, replace the woman with another woman. The reason for him to stay in the relationship and accept the womans authority has to be intrinsic. And I think it takes a very strong and responsible man to actually see the need to pay for his screw ups.Wanting to make amends for failures does not come easily for many men. So if you are feeling the need for it, it says a lot about you and your sense of justice. And if you are weired that way, you have a lot to offer for the right woman.

And as far as the biblical story goes:
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
 31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

Did you realise that the older son, even though he did not agree with his fathers decision, and even though he became angry, did still not run away? He talks about his feelings when he is upset, chooses a direct approach to address his concerns, seems to be not afraid of the fathers reaction. There seems to be a strong bond of trust between them. And then, he just listens to the fathers word, accepts his authority.