Thursday, December 31, 2015

does the control turn me on?

I have been asked in regard to domestic discipline: "do you feel it is the control itself that you find exciting, or the potential for what you could do with it (e.g. make him a better man?)"

I like the control. No doubt about that. I like the control a lot. And I think the reason for that is: In my life, generally speaking, I have to frequently deal with situations that are out of my control. And it costs me a lot of energy to get the situation under control again. I feel like a professional fire fighter. I am often called, when the fire is already burning and the flames are about to destroy the house. I see the situation and I think: "Sigh, there could have been done so much to prevent the fire, why didn`t they just do a, b and c..." But of course, at the point of time when I am called in it is usually too late to do a, b or c. Instead I have to accept the mess that others have created and I have to be super flexible and creative in order to do what is necessary to stop the fire. I am good at it. And I am used to come up with quick and often unorthodox methods. But my flexibility comes at a high price for me. I often feel that I am just a mercenary to my clients` and friends` needs. And in my quest to make them happy I sometimes go over my limits and neglect my needs.

Therefore: I want the man in my life to give me the feeling that I am in control. I have so many intrinsic sensors in me, my need to see him happy and content is so big, there is zero actual danger for the man that I am taking over control 24/7. I want him to be happy. I don`t want a controlled puppy who is not allowed to voice his own opinion. I don`t want him to give up his freedom completely. But I want the right to send him to bed, or spank him or punish him when I feel that he has crossed a line. And I expect him to trust me enough to let me decide where that thin line exactly is.

Other than that:
I like the potential for what I could do with it (e.g. make him a better man) very much too.
I am a bit reluctant to admit that, because one part of my brain knows that it is not my job to make any man a better man. It is not my job to take care of things that the man has to learn for himself. Things that he has to learn in order to grow in his life. And who am I to think that I "know" what to do in order to make him a better man? I am far from being a perfect woman, so I don`t have any business in trying to interfere in stuff that is his business. I do know all that.
On the other hand: I am very good with feelings. I am very sensitive and I have a knack for opening up people emotionally. I find myself often in situations where I do have a very clear picture of how to emotionally proceed in order to succeed. 

There once was a man in my life who was a professional singer. A deep basso. And for some psychological/emotional reasons he had stopped singing completely. I have a semi professional background in music myself and I soooo wanted to make him sing again, because I could actually feel how much potential there was and what a big waste of his talent it was, for him to not sing anymore. He was a good guy who could just not see for himself how good (both in regards to music and generally in life) he was. And it was my pleasure to help him see his potential.
I am only interested in good men. I am not attracted to "bad boys". Bad boys just do not turn me on at all. But if there is a good man, and I can see even more potential in him, I absolutely like the idea of "working with him", "coaching", "training" or even "disciplining" him to make him an even better man. Yes, lol, absolutely!

Friday, December 25, 2015

5 real life domestic discipline moments that turned me on

1.The first time I sent a man to bed. 
It was an online moment,  and it  was unbelievably hot. It was shortly after having opened my blog and I was still young and inexperienced. I could not believe that I was actually doing it, lol. I remember my hands were shaking when I  typed the words in my keyboard and I was super proud when he obeyed and went to bed straight away. It was so lifechanging because that "Go to bed, now!" marks the change from "dreaming about dd" to actually "doing" it.

2. The first time I spanked a man
The first spanking I ever gave was one of the best moments of my life. It was just perfect. Everything re that spanking was wonderful, it still feels like a dream sometimes. I loved the man. I felt safe. He wanted me to do it, which gave me the feeling of "it is ok to proceed". It was a real spanking, he was bare over my knees, crying, he definitely was feeling the pain I administered and still  he willingly submitted to everything I gave him. It was a deep and bonding moment between the man and I. Probably THE most intense and best moment I ever had with a man.

3. Go stand in the corner!
I said this to a man right after a spanking. He did as he was told and I sat down and just watched him standing there. I loved that he just did what I asked him to do. No arguing, no trying to make me change my mind, no "ah, baby, no, come on,  you serious?" He just calmly accepted my authority. And me, I more than enjoyed the control and the power I had.

4. Corporal punishment session via skype
Thanks to skype I was able to enjoy a real corporal punishment session with a man I never ever actually met. But still, it was something that serves me as a masturbation template even still today, months and years later. He wanted me to be strict to him, and strict I was. Probably the strictest and most demanding I have ever been. I scolded him for something he had done, played with his mind, told him in very clear words that his punishment is well deserved and that I am not accepting his bad behavior any longer. I made him do push ups for me and crunches and I went through a whole sports routine with him. When he was exhausted, the real fun started. I made him kneel on rice. Naked and hands behind his head. While he kneeled there endlessly, I read him the riot act. He was trying very hard not to cry the whole time. After a very long time I seemed to show some mercy and told him to get on all fours and to pick up the rice from the floor. He did a good job and got all the rice grains. Just when he thought the session had come to an end, I told him to throw the rice grains (that he had just picked up with great effort) back on the floor. I wanted him to understand that the session was far from over and that he was not having any control in it whatsoever. It was a tough lesson for him, but he got it eventually ;-)

5.Watch your language!  
Sometimes it seems that for some men the little domestic discipline things are the hardest to do. Being denied a glass of wine at a restaurant, for instance.Getting the look that tells him: "no, you cant have another glas of wine!" That is something that is hard to stomach for some men.
Not too long ago I told a man in very clear words: "I am really fed up with your constant use of foul language. I dont want to hear any cursing and cussing from you any more." He replied by saying: "but that is just who I am. I use strong language I wont change it." I held my ground though and stayed firm. I made my position very clear and told him exactly what I expected: "Watch your language!" Since then he has been a poster boy for good language. He IS constantly watching his language with me and that is something that makes me feel all warm inside. :-)

Sunday, December 20, 2015

sexual fantasies

The lovely Ferns wrote an interesting post about her sexual fantasies.

I read her post and realized: sexual fantasies are really a very personal thing. (Go figure, little Tina, lol).

My fantasies are different from hers.

I also do fantasize about being able to do what I want with the man, (hey, lol, I have to at least a bit live up to my claim of being a dominant woman), but in order for me to really enjoy the scenario, I need a gift from the man. The gift of his submission.

I do want to do things to him, sexual things, painful things, humiliating things and many other things that he does neither enjoy nor like. But at the same time I want him to stand up tall and tell me: "You, Tina, YOU can do all this to me because I love you and adore you and trust you completely". I want him to think and also tell me : "I hate what I have to endure, but I am willing to do it for you."

I had an argument with a pretty vanilla man about some real life issues once. I wanted him to do something and he wanted to use a different approach. He completely disregarded my (honestly, I am not bragging here) actually very good advice.

I had told him that I like him and that I am into spankings and domestic discipline, but he was just totally unexperienced in that regard.

Later he asked me:
"I was wondering if you had spanked me in your fantasy again"

And I replied by saying: "no, that does not turn me on at all at the moment. My thinking goes along the line of: You dont like it and so the fantasy loses its power for me in regard to you."

He:  "I never said that, I liked the thought of you using me in your fantasy...I liked it a lot"

Me:  "Fantasy is one thing, but in real life, literally every time I am trying to „boss you around“ I can almost feel your „no“. And the spanking, it is something so intimate and personal and deep and meaningful for me, I don´t do it with somebody who does not like me bossing him around. And I don´t even do it in my fantasy."

He started to explain to me why he had said "no" to me in regards to the vanilla issue and went on saying "if this disturbs your ability to fantasise about us being together then I find that very disturbing and upsetting".

But hey, my fantasies are my fantasies.
In my mind, being dominant is always linked a bit with giving. I dominate a guy because I can see his potential.  For me, in my fantasies, the interesting factor is not intercourse in any way, sort or form, but the element of dominance and submission and power exchange.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

acceptance of what we are

"The anonymous" wrote another comment that gave me again much food for thought. He said:

You're right to try to stop giving, it does not work. It burns out your love - and ends up getting in the way of the connection and intimacy. Besides men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are. That acceptance is best in action, but at the very least we crave its existence for it is hard enough to be a male and have sensitive feelings, let alone ones that are deferring and passive to the point of submissiveness and surrender.

Anonymous, The.

Oh, and I am familiar with the Enneagram system, or at least I once was. 
I'm a 6.

Let me begin by saying: I am glad we all agree on the importance of me stopping of giving too much :-) Actually, I only learned this lesson this year. Up until about a year ago I really thought that my MO is the normality. I never even questioned my deeply embedded mantra of "always putting others needs first". I thought it is just something everybody -who is at least half decent- does. I was convinced that - if I should need it-  other people would give to me and help me with as much effort and dedication as I had done helping them. 

And when I was in need and the help and support did not come, I was honestly and truly dumbfounded. I started to seriously study the enneagram system and I finally understood, that it is indeed so that people are running on different internal programs :-)

Stop giving too much? Got it. Check.  

You are an enneagram type 6? That is very interesting. My only uncle is a 6 too. He is a teacher. He teaches latin and music at a high school, and pretty much all my life I have tried to get his approval. When I was a little girl I started to learn latin, in order to follow the family tradition, and to impress him. Later I sung in his choir, went to his concerts and played trumpet in his orchestra. But the words "good girl" never came. I experienced him as a super tough judge to whose expectations I just could not live up to.  The validation I was hoping to get from him never came.
My point is, maybe you unfairly got to experience some of my hidden anger that I still feel towards him. I usually tend to suppress that anger, but as you have pointed out correctly: the anger is still there and comes up once in a while. 
I am willing to accept my part in hurting you and causing you emotional pain. As I said: I apologize. Please forgive me.

I `m not quite sure if I get exactly what you are trying to tell me by saying: "men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are." I might have been an asshole in the end, but for me there is no and never has been any doubt in my mind that "men like you" are wonderful and ok. The acceptance of what you are has never been a problem for me. You can read 5 or 6 years worth of my blog and you wont find any negative comment about "men like you". The moments when men like you show their sensitive sides to me are among the most cherished moments of my life.

I have said it before and I will say it again: The men are not the problem in my life! The men are awesome.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "I" have been sometimes pretty clumsy when dealing with men like you. I put on the invincible, strong woman persona and don`t let the man see that I have needs and wants too. I don`t let my own needs shine through because I don`t want to admit it to myself. And because I am so focused on the partner, I always assumed that the man is as focused on me as I am on him. Especially if it is a submissive guy. But instead of  giving him guidance in "how to deal with Tina", I just assumed he can figure out my wants and needs alone. I assumed that he can do something that not even I myself could do: acknowledging and taking care of my own needs.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Open letter to "anonymous"

I received an intense and personal comment to my "forced orgasm"-post and I would like to take the opportunity and to answer to that comment.

I think it would be fair to say that I'm one of the hearts that got hurt along the way and when I read your post I feel so sad for you but at the same time remember my own hurt from our connection and what I experienced as a strange and irrational anger and attack. It is truly hard for me to understand how the two versions of you are the same. 

A part of me still wishes I could be there for you, be the one that makes you feel ok, but I now know the only person who can do that is you. I don't know why your ex won't talk to you anymore but, more importantly I'm not sure you understand either. I suspect it is because you cannot see yourself through his eyes and so he has stopped trying - that he cannot tell you anymore than he already tried to. 

I don't think you will get out of the place you're in until you understand yourself. You're not a bad person in any way, and I'm not suggesting you are. But you are so full of what you think is the only truth, that there no space for anyone else's reality, and therefore no space for them to be with you. Maybe your 'rejected little girl' is what stops you being vulnerable as an adult; maybe her need to be safe makes you block your eyes to what others see. Maybe your task is to heal her and reassure her enough that she can let go of protecting and blocking. She sure hurt me, so I'm guessing she is not ready yet to drop her defenses with anyone. I think she needs help to do it, and not from a relationship. 

your  comment made me smile. It gave me the feeling of: I just KNOW I have good taste in men :-) There is so much truth in your comment and you showed a lot of class in how you carefully worded it. Telling the truth and still phrasing it very gently so as not to hurt me unnecessarily. There was a reason why we had the connection we had :-)
I do sincerely apologize for hurting you. It was not my intention at all. 

At the same time your comment made me sad, because I know you are right in many aspects and you are only expressing what I have been thinking for a long time anyway: The men are not the problem, I am.

I did not have much sexual experience when I started that blog, and I was chuffed to bits by the fact that blogging was a way for me to make new experiences. 
The men who wrote me were fantastic. But I rarely managed to actually feel seen by them. I do believe that many of them only saw the kinky starke Frau in me, but not the real "Tina". And I think I am much more than just a kinky wish fulfiller.

I have problems accepting the fact that I do have wants and needs too. For me, it is very easy to give. Receiving is much more difficult for me. That might be one of the reasons why I give a lot in a relationship, especially at the beginning. It gives me a lot of pleasure to make another person happy. I give time, attention, dedication, real interest, understanding and much more.  Once I am interested in a man I am interested in many aspects of his life. E.g: I started to learn about the premier league soccer club Aston Villa, because a man I cared about mentioned liking it. When I enter a plane these days I check what kind of plane it is, because one man I liked is a pilot and totally into aviation. And once I even attended a seminar on human papillomavirus because the topic came up when I was exchanging emails with a man.

And I receive pleasure by thinking that I am important for the other person. But sooner or later there comes a point where I think: "I have given so much, now I want to be the one to receive." And often this comes as a total surprise to the man. If I like a man I can do a lot, and I usually do a lot, to make the man think that I am awesome. But then after a while, I want to be pampered too. I want to talk about subjects that "I" like, like for example Abraham Hicks, or EFT. Subjects that are important in my life. And often the men don t understand that talking about such subjects is as important as the kink to me. And sometimes, when I dont feel understood, I just end the contact. 

To me it feels like: "I have given so much and I enjoyed giving it, but I cant go on giving and giving, I want to receive too. After all the giving I have done, I deserve to receive now." And when this happens it is a sudden, total change of my MO. I can be endlessly patient and understanding when I am focused on another person. But when I have the slightest feeling of "the other person does not care about me enough" I become super impatient, judgmental and short. From my point of view: I see no sense in waiting and being patient anymore because I had already done all the giving and obviously it was not enough, or he would care about me now. That is why I end it.

Believe me, I have done a lot of internal work. In the last months I have done nothing but working sleeping and doing internal work. The very strong feeling though that is dominating me is: I need a blessing from my ex in order to move on.
I do realise that I am playing the helpless victim here. And I generally do believe that playing the victim is not a good thing at all. But the thing is: I dont feel like I am PLAYING helpless or the victim here. My dominating feeling is: I am helpless as far as the whole relationship subject is concerned.

In sum: your comment is spot on :-)
I am an enneagram typ 2, and this is what is said about people like me:
"However, Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met. Transformational work entails going into dark places in ourselves, and this very much goes against the grain of the Two’s personality structure, which prefers to see itself in only the most positive, glowing terms.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Threes, and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.” "

Well, at least I can honestly say that I have gone into very dark places in myself. I do understand that the solution has to come from me.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

forced orgasms

I wish I had better news, but I dont have any success story to report. Almost 6 years of blogging and I seem to end up sad and alone.

The cruel thing is: I cant blame anybody. The only person responsible for my life is me. And it looks like I blew it.

I literally received emails from about 100 men who were interested in me. But for one or the other reason it did not work out with any of them and I am alone now in the cold and dark wintertime in Germany.

There were a few guys who were super interested in me, but I did not feel the special chemistry with them. So I declined what they were offering me and I am sure I hurt a few hearts in doing it. 

The truth is, there is only one man I love. The man I used to call "my ex" here on my blog. My feelings for him are so deep and so profound, even if he will never talk to me again, I will forever care about him. (I just called him, and he rejected my call...)

The story I had with him was so fulfilling and so wonderful on so many levels, it is very hard for me to get over it. I know that he was not playing with me. I know that he let me see his soul. I know he gave me all he had. That is why it is so difficult for me to let go of him now. My brain says one thing and my heart says another thing.

I saw the man recently and when I saw him I knew immediately: Nothing has changed. My feelings for him are still there. I still think he is the greatest. Every day I am waiting for an email from him, and when that email does not come, I am disappointed and angry with myself. I scold myself mentally for being such a fool, for waiting for an email or a phone call that does not come.

An unpleasant side effect of my sadness is that I dont even care to masturbate anymore. Masturbating feels like a stupid , pathetic thing to do. It´s like I think: "Universe, if I can`t have him, I might as well stop this whole sex thing at all". Plus: I tend to masturbate to Fm scenarios, and at the moment I dont feel very dominant at all. I feel like a rejected little girl that is craving so much for a teachers attention , but who is not getting it. I am not in the right frame of mind for any domme things. The strange situation with my ex has triggered in me old wounds of  low self-esteem and self-worth.

Btw. did you ever realize that in the online bdsm clips the men are usually forced to "endure"orgasm denial whereas the women are "forced" to orgasm? In my current situation I think being forced to orgasm might exactly be what might help me.  It could release a lot of frustration and tension. And the frigging thing is: the only guy who I would ever trust enough to let him do this to me is my ex. I love him so much because the balance between us was right. It was awesome for me to dominate him and at the same time I could always look up to him. What we had was a domestic discipline relationship at its finest. I will for the rest of my life cherish every second I had with him. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

My 40th birthday

I am turning 40 tomorrow.

No big party though. Just a nice lunch with 3 or 4 friends and a dinner at home with some other friends. 

It is an interesting time in my life. I am trying to understand who I am and where I am at in my life. The past 5 years here with my blog have been a big pleasure for me. I thank each one of you who ever wrote or commented on my blog.

I sometimes get the same questions over and over again, so I decided to publicly answer some faq.

Are you real?

Why do you write in English?
In the beginning, when I opened my blog, it was much easier to talk about such deep and intimate and "secret" feelings in another language. The change in language helped me a lot to "distance" myself a bit from my own words and feelings.
Another reason is: I really LOVE american men. No idea why that is. I just do.

How old are you?
well, ahhhhm, 40, tomorrow :-)

When did you first know that you are into spankings?
Around the age of 14.
I was never really interested in "vanilla" sex. Already my first sexual thoughts ever were linked with dominance and submission.

Are you strict?
Nope, not really. I am always trying to please my guy.  But sometimes being strict is the best way to please him ;-)

What kind of punishments do you use?
Well, I have actually used:
corner times, scoldings, orgasm denial, spankings, spankings otk, a belt, a hairbrush, writing lines, loss of privileges,... sometimes the small things make the biggest impact. It is all a matter of reaching the man emotionally and finding the right "spot" for him.

Is there a chance to meet you for real ?
Yes, there actually is a chance to meet me. I will be in San Francisco, Ca at the beginning of October. 

Where is the catch with you?

I tend to be possessive, demanding, loud. I want to be the center of attention. I am not always strong, there are times when I am feeling overwhelmed and need my man to be my rock.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

good real life domestic discipline part 2

We went to the ball together, he looked awesome, he was the perfect gentleman and he let me touch him in very possessive ways while we were sitting at a table with many other people. To sum it up: Fun :-)

We left early and had the house for ourselves. I took advantage of that privacy and I showered him with attention and affection.

It was a warm summer night, we were both naked and for the first time in a very long time I felt very comfortable in my body again. He made it very easy for me. He wanted me and he showed it to me in very reassuring ways. We talked a lot, I teased him a lot, I gave him a real spanking on his bare bottom, I fingered his ass... we did not get much sleep that night.
Early in the morning he finally fell asleep in my arms and stayed there. It felt good. Very intimate and close.  

In the morning we had breakfast with my family, and later he and I went for a walk in the woods.
During that walk he told me that there cannot be a future for us. He apologized deeply for only telling me that now, but he gave me a very good explanation for his behavior. And I understood his line of thinking and I actually agreed with his reasoning. I did understand him, I even thought he was right...and still it hurt.

To get over that awkward moment, we started to talk about vanilla things. He started to ask me questions about my life, my house, my family , my job... and I felt totally cornered and criticized. He only asked questions, but his questions hit me in the bottom of my stomach. It shook me in a very bad way and I started to cry. 

I knew I was overreacting, I knew he had not tried to hurt me, I understood that he had intended no harm, but I was not able to stay cool. We walked back home in silence and I gave him the cold shoulder treatment. He tried his best to make me feel good again, but he was not able to turn my mood around again. I  just needed to process what had just happened.

We sat down in the garden together and did not say a word to each other. After a while I finally relented and accepted his apology and we gave each other a very very very long and deep and intimate hug. I ended the hug by taking his hand and telling him: "follow me". And I started to lead him into my office. He was a bit confused, did not suspect what I had in mind, but just followed me. 

In my office I led him to my desk, touched his back, pushed him down a bit and told him: "bend over the desk! " He did not ask anything, just followed my order. 

While he was bending over my desk, I patted the back pockets of his jeans and realized that he has stuff in there. Without asking for his permission I emptied the back pockets of his pants, and threw the content on the table. Tabacco for roll-up cigaretts, lol. (which, btw, was a super hot moment for me. This is something that I usually just dont do in my life, lol, searching and emptying the pockets of a man.) Only a moment later my wooden hairbrush slammed down on his butt. ( I always have a wooden hairbrush near my desk, lol, really. I did not ever have a chance to use it, but I always wanted to use it. And so, with the lovely gentleman, finally my opportunity had come.)

I gave him a short, sharp shock. Just a few hard slaps with my hair brush. But the message was absolutely clear and he totally got what I was trying to tell him ;-) It all went very quick. Not staged or playful. Just a woman telling a man that his behavior was not ok.

As suddenly as I had started the spanking I ended it again. I told him to get up and I gave him a long and warm hug. He was contrite and I told him that all is good again.  The spanking had totally cleared the air.

We huged each other for a long time, over and over again. Both of us did not want to let the other go. But we both knew we had to.... Then his taxi came and he left. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

good real life domestic discipline

I have not posted much about real life kink lately. There is however one event I ´d like to share with you because it was just too good to keep it to myself ;-)

I wont give you any specifics about the guy. Let´s just say: He is a very lovely gentleman.

I had met him online, we had clicked immediately and only about one week later he came to visit me at my home. Note: he came to visit me at my home. This is something that has only ever happened once before in my life. The only man I ever brought home to my family was my ex with whom I had a 4 years long relationship. So, in allowing the guy to visit me at home I had changed my modus operandi in a huge huge way :-)

I had picked him up at the train station, we made some small talk, went grocery shopping together and ended up in my bedroom only 20 min later.

For once in my life I was really courageous, lol, and without any foreplay I ordered him to strip while I stayed fully clothed. I felt like in a CFNM video, lol. He did as he was told and I spent the next hour or so exploring his body and his cock. We were having a lot of fun. I liked teasing and touching him and generally bossing him around ;-) His only comment was: "Wow, I like how possessive you touch me." It was a good time,  just fooling around.

About 2 hours later I had to go to a bbq with some other lawyers in my town. And the man agreed to accompany me to the party. So we went there together and on the way to the party he asked me: "How do people address each other at the party? first name or family name?" I said "family name" and he said: "well, makes sense, lawyers..." When we entered the place he whispered in my ear: "what again is your family name?"lol,  he really was not sure about my family name. I replied by asking him: "what again is your family name?" and we both started to laugh.  
 So far we had only used our first names. We theoretically knew our family names, but both of us did not remember it when we entered the place. :-) 

The party went well. I did not explain anything to anybody, just introduced him with his first and family name and he was just there with me, along with all the wives and partners of my lawyer colleagues. 

At one point the director of the local bar association wanted everybody to come together for a picture and I told him: "come with me, I want you on the photo". He did as he was told and the picture has been taken and he is standing on that picture next to me. 

What a day, I  need to laugh just remembering it.

But it went even better.  On the very same day, there was a big celebration in my family and in my town. The bbq had been in the afternoon, and in the evening I had to go to this kind of ball. Since the bbq had been so much fun, the we both agreed that he should come with me to the ball as well. Problem was: he did not have a white dress shirt left. He had not expected to go to a ball when he had packed his stuff ;-)

I told him: "No problem, I am gonna call my brother and he will bring us a shirt". 

the only problem was: we were running out of time and 4 women who were going to the ball with my family were already gathering at my house. So when the man and I arrived at my place to change clothes, the other people accompanying us were already waiting. So, like in a cheap movie, lol, the poor guy had to try on the shirt under the comments of 4 female guests plus my mom , my brother, my sister and me ;-)

the first shirt he tried on was black and too small. And common opinion was: he cannot wear that shirt to the ball. Then a discussion started among the ladies, whether he could wear a tshirt or whether it had to be a dress shirt, lol. It was a crazy situation, really. In the end my mom brought a nice ironed white shirt out of nowhere and he and I went up in my room for him to try it on. It did fit  perfectly and I gave him my thumbs up.

So he went down back to all the ladies, and 6 women said at the same time: "wow, this looks just awesome!" Everybody commented on his looks and on the shirt and I still wonder how he managed to stay so calm. He just accepted all the female attention and went along with whatever I wanted him to :-)

This - of course- gave me a lot of attention from my female friends. Everybody was like: "who is he? where does this great guy come from? "

... to be continued...

Friday, July 10, 2015

Thank you, Tommy

Sometimes in life, help comes from unexpected places.

The last year was just terrible for me. Looking back at the last 12 months, I can see clearly that I was pretty much traumatized by the loss of my grandma and the end of my relationship. Within a very very short time span I had lost two of the most important people of my life. And I still miss both of them enormously.

I gained about 15 kg in the last year. I literally stopped moving. I did not want to move, walk or exercise anymore because it felt like withdrawing myself from the world was the only thing I could do in order to SOMEHOW survive.

I functioned. I worked, I slept, I ate.  Nothing more.

Sure, I tried to keep my spirit up, I did endless hours of emotional and internal work. I meditated and pondered and reflected and I tried to move on, I tried to "get over it", but I just did not have any energy left. At all. And the longer that state lasted, the more depressed, sad and fearful I became.

I somehow got in contact with a man in the UK. Let´s call him "Tommy". We exchanged a few emails back and forth and we both felt, that there is some good chemistry between us.

We liked each other, but we realized pretty soon that there is just  no compatibility between our sexual interests. When I tried to be a bit domme-y, he felt I was patronizing him in an off turning way. Basically: He was not interested in the things I sexually like and do. And I was not interested in the things he sexually likes and does.
On a heart to heart level though, we liked each other a lot.

Tommy was in a  difficult situation in his life too, and the lawyer and helper and supporter in me offered to help him. My thinking went along the lines of: "My life at this point totally sucks. I see no help for myself at all. Me, I am a helpless case. So let´s give my life at least a bit of a meaning by helping him sort out his mess."

I might sound arrogant here, but as soon as I had heard of the mess he is in I immediately had a clear picture in my mind of what he had to do now and how he had to proceed. My analytical lawyer mind had taken over and I just KNEW what he had to do in order to make things much easier for himself in his current situation.

I tried to outline my plan for him, explain to him the next steps...

...and the whole thing blew in my face.

 I had told him: "I need to ask you millions of questions." And he misinterpreted it. He thought I was trying to be nosy, trying to get explanations from him, explanations that he did not have himself, whereas I wanted to ask guiding questions in order to GIVE him explanations for things I intuitively clearly understood.

I was offering him way way way too much. At a way too early point of time. 

And he probably could not understand my motives for doing it. I never explained him my motives, but I think they were:
I wanted to send something good into the world.
I wanted to believe that the world is a good and safe place to live in.
I needed to convince myself that things can end well.
I needed to convince myself that it makes sense to trust other people and to trust in other people.
I wanted to make a clear argument for one of my fundamental believes: we are all connected. And the less one of us has to suffer, the better it is for the others as well.
In helping him, I wanted to help myself.

I understood that Tommy and I came from different places, different backgrounds,  but I instinctively knew for a fact that him and I meeting in the world wide web was not a coincidence at all. I felt very clearly that I had attracted him into my life. That there was a message in us meeting at this point of time. And I was not willing to let him go without getting some answers from the universe through him.

And so the battle began.
Two dominant people getting in a constant battle of wills. 

We were behaving exactly like that couple:

We could not live with each other and we could not live without each other. We were emotionally very close, and within seconds one of us could feel hurt and hugely threatened by the other. As soon as one of us was finally emotionally too exhausted, drained and "gave up" and wanted to end the thing we were having, the other did all he/she could, to make him/her stay.

At one point he told me that in the short time with me he has argued more than in 20 years of marriage with his ex-wife.

But I just was not willing to let him go. I had this very strong feeling in my gut, that there is somewhere a hidden message for me. And I did indeed enjoy the interaction with him. He made me question my whole thinking. He challenged my believes in a big way.

After a while of unintentionally hurting each other, trying to end the thing, making up again, getting along with each other and hurting each other again, I told him that I want us to end the thing by writing each other a short message and telling the other, what each of us enjoyed and liked and learned from the other. I started by sending him a friendly email, thanking him  and wishing him well.

And he replied by saying: "I am not sure I can send you such a message. I feel completely drained. I don't know any longer what I feel and what I dont feel."

This - of course, lol- led to me feeling hurt again.
And I started to believe that maybe I was wrong in thinking there is meaning between the two of us meeting. As soon as I was wavering though, he was standing tall again and fought for us. :-)

After many of these ups and downs, him and I finally managed to have a wonderful conversation in which we both agreed that we are just not compatible. Regardless of our mutual wish to make it happen, our sexual needs just don't match. Nothing we can do about it. And during that conversation I learned one important lesson from him. He more or less said to me:

"Baby, as much as I like you, I am not willing to compromise as far as my sexuality is concerned. There is no sense for both of us in compromising here. We will only both end up bitter and unsatisfied. And we both deserve better. We both deserve to have our needs met."

His words had an enormous impact on me. I admired him hugely for his courage to go for his dreams and not settle for anything less. I am having problems finding the words to explain how much his words impressed me. Basically:  As soon as I heard him say that, as soon as I realized that he is courageous enough to stick to his dreams, even though the outer circumstances were very unfavorable for him,  I understood that THIS is the message I have been waiting for. I understood that this was a message from the universe guided in my direction. And I knew with certainty that I should not compromise either. Not with him, nor with any other guy. I deserve to have my needs met.

I understood the message and some sort of deep peace came over me. I finally had my hidden message.  J

Following up that conversation there was some amicable banter going on between us. I said some nice things to him, he said some nice things to me, and suddenly, for me absolutely unexpected, he apologized to me in a direct and straight forward manner. He said something along the line of: „I am so sorry. I know I was pretty mean to you sometimes“.

I had not expected his apology at all. I had not been waiting for an apology, frankly: I had not even thought that I deserved an apology from him. It came as a total surprise to me. And the fact that he gave me that apology was absolutely mind blowing. It meant so much to me. It helped me to regain trust in my gut feeling re men. It helped me to belive again that people  are actually good. It helped me to be more lenient with myself. It helped me to find some value in myself again.

We parted amicably. I think he was a bit confused about the intensity and the depth oft he thing we were having. For me though, meeting him was a gift from the universe. I had wanted to make it all about him. I had wanted to help him in his situation. And in the end I think it was all about me. I ended up as the one receiving  a wonderful gift from him and through him.