Friday, December 31, 2010

unfamiliar territory

According to "Tonya", my best friend, I changed quite a lot since having found my man. She tells me I am radiating a happiness and contentment I had not had in the past.She has known me since many years, since the beginning of law school and we had many , and I mean really many!!!, conversations about men, partnership and what we want in life.

We were not alway sure that we would find happiness in a partnership. To be honest, we were not always sure if we would could "get" a partner at all. At these conversations the unflattering term "old spinster" came up more than once... See, in our way of seeing things, there comes a point in a womans life, where being a virgin is not longer "hot" but "embarrassing" and "a problem". And unfortunately for her, she still has not found "her man" yet. She is still single...But she is happy for me. And I keep telling her that she will find a good man too.(oh, and NO, she is not into domestic discipline..., I tried to match her with a cool American guy just recently, but it looks as if it is not going to work out at all).

Even if I might sound like a little girl,  I still have a hard time to realize that I actually "found" my man. It is such a dream come true... Being with him feels right. He treats me very well. He brings a smile to my face whenever I only think of him. He is having my six in situations where nobody ever supported me in the past.

Last year at this time, I had almost given up all hope of finding the "real deal" as far as finding a partner is concerned. I have been waiting a very long time for "him" and for the relationship I am having now with him. The feeling of having him in my life is still so unfamiliar...I am really entering unfamiliar territory here.

The fact that he is into domestic discipline feels like the icing on the cake. I don`t write much about any dd relevant events lately. This is because I am still trying to understand the deep impact that the "vanilla" aspects of the relationship are having on me. Just being with him, touching him, feeling him and at the times when we are thousands of miles apart, thinking of him, is enough to turn me on. Heck, I am wearing his socks today, and that alone is turning me on, lol.

There is no need to "manipulate " me into giving a spanking or wanting him to do things for me. I like to do that. Since starting my blog, I have become pretty courageous in living my dominant side. Domestic discipline does not scare me. I think it is hot indeed. But the "relationship" aspect is new to me.

I do not know all his boundaries and wishes and wants and needs yet. And I don´t want him to say: "Sorry, that`s not going to happen. This does not turn me on, this is not my cup of tea...". Because, even though it might sound strange and not dominant at all: My main goal is to make him happy. I just want to please him so much...And I don`t want to pressure him into dd at times when he is not in the mood. This has not been the case with some men I only exchanged a couple of emails with. The thought that they probably were not in the mood did not ever occur to me. I just went for what I wanted. But with my man, everything seems to be so different...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

female self-doubt and "the big take away"

It might sound as if I would not understand dd at all... sorry if I should give you that impression. :-) The problem I am going to address is of course much more complex ... but I have been trying to phrase it as neat as possible.

Over the holidays I have been reading many blogs on domestic discipline. Very interesting stuff... And one big question came to my mind:

How is it possible to get over my self-doubts?
Or in other words: Is it possible to be in a dd relationship and still have self-doubts?

and I am wondering, if these women have the same self-doubts as I am having?

To me, it looks as being a dominant woman in a domestic discipline relationship calls for the woman to be free of any fear that the man could actually end the relationship. Somehow these women seem to be able to believe that the men will stay in the relationship, even if the demands of the women are really hard to accept for the men.

I told you, I am in love with my man. Therefore I don`t want him to end the relationship. And no, he has not done/said/made/anything to give me reason to believe he wants to break up. And neither did I. Far from it. I just sent him a love message....

I am only discussing a theoretical question, that most likely has its source in my childhood.

The two afore mentioned ladies have both written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most.(Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...)  And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwheming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.

But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game.It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.

And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.

Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them , only waiting to start a relationship with them....

I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I spanked a man...

It happened quite some time ago. I did not write about it earlier, because I wanted to keep it to myself in order to process it mentally. I just needed to have the experience for myself. Could not share it. Did not want to share it. Not even with you.

It was much more intense than I expected it to be. And I can not find the words to phrase properly, how deep and moving an experience it  was. Even now, just thinking about it, I almost can not believe it actually happened. It was an event so out of my regular life...I am lacking the right words to express how overwhelmed I have been by it. Overwhelmed in a very good sense. It was probably the deepest gift of trust from another human being that I have ever received in my whole life.

In a way, it was exactly as I had imagined it to be. I was prepared. I wanted it to happen. You all know, how much I had written and thought about giving a spanking.And, exactly as I had imagined, it showed that I was only able to do it, because I knew the man is worth my time and dedication. I was so impressed by his ability of (literally) giving himself in my hands. And I am still fascinated by the fact that he submitted to me in such a profound way.

Since it was my "first time", I was unsure what to do and how to do it. And in the very beginning , for a moment, I actually reclined to him for help. But as soon as he signaled me "go for it, you can do it, I will be ok", I had no problems getting  my mind in the right frame. He asked me: "Are you left handed or right handed?" I answered him and then he  walked over to my right side and just went over my knees.

I had seen a lot of spankings on the Internet. And it is not as if you would need to know about astrophysics in order to give a proper spanking. So I was able of spanking him appropriately, even though I had never received a spanking myself ever.

Surprisingly, I did not talk much during the spanking. I only said very little. I mean there was not much to say anyway...I tried to make an impression on his "iron" butt, which - with my hand only- was quite difficult. At the beginning, he had made a very good point- as I know now...- in saying something like: "it is going to be difficult for you to get through to me, if you only use your hand". But I have always been one to accept a challenge. So I spanked him with my hand as hard as I could. And as long as I could.

And I know I was getting through to him....I was really giving him as much as I possibly could. After a while, I told him to get up and I lead him to the corner. It has been getting dark outside, and we were in a pretty dark room by now, but I did not turn on the lights.I enjoyed the calmness that came with the dark.  While he stood in the corner, I sat in the chair, just watching him. It was very strange. I was exhausted. I was sweating. And I tried to understand what was going on. By now, he had fully given all control to me....

I still don´t want to share everything that happened. So I will skip to the end...

Of course there was a proper "aftercare". For him and for me ;-) We were in each others arms for a very long time. Just holding each other. Touching each other. Whispering to each other. Making sure the other one is ok.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

chastity

Have been trying to come up with an interesting quote for my thesis...here is what I found ;-)

"So long as chastity is preserved, it is respected; it is despised only after having been lost."
Jean-Jaques Rousseau

Sunday, December 12, 2010

power exchange

In the past, I have been able of establishing my dominance over my man. There has been no doubt who is the dominant and who is the submissive one, as far as our relationship is concerned.

Lately however, things changed quite a bit. I told you, he threatened to spank me. As for the background of his threat: I was totally freaking out, due to hormones, biology and -most importantly- my damn legal thesis.

Even though I knew right from the moment when he threatened to spank me, that he would have no chance in following through with it  (due to lack of privacy and due to other people showing up very soon), I nevertheless submitted to his authority right away. I tried to get my act together as best as I could and as fast as I could. I just knew he had a valid point.

In a way I was very curious where that power exchange might lead me and the relationship. And right now I can report to you: It has given me a very freeing feeling, which I will explain in just a moment.

First of all: no worries. There won`t be a permanent role reversal within our relationship. I am sure I will not become one submissive little girl...However, I learned that it is very easy for me to submit to his natural authority. In a way, he plays the power games much better than I do.

Expecting obedience from another person does not come too easy for me. And since I am in love with my man, it is even more difficult for me, to follow through with my approach of expecting him to just do as I tell him to do. The need to please is just embedded too deep in my personality.

And in the way I look at things, it is very important for me to NOT actually force a man to do things for me.
In theory, it has its appeal to MAKE him submit to me, no doubt about that. But in real life, I am far from being a hardcore dominatrix. I do not believe in natural supremacy of women. There is no natural reason for a man to submit to a woman. I see his submission as a gift. A gift from him to me. And if he is not in the mood to give it to me, I will not force him. Because in forcing him, it would no longer be a gift. For me, it feels degrading to have to ask for a gift.

Generally, in my life, I am independent and strong enough to NOT ask for things. 'You don`t want to go to church with me? I will go alone, no problem. You don`t want to go to that party? Ok, I have no issues with showing up alone.' I am used to lead my life alone. And seriously, I can say these things without any hard feelings. If a man does not freely want to do things with me, or for me, I am not going to pressure him in doing it. And there are rarely situations where I actually NEED a man to stand by my side. I am perfectly able of fighting my own fights. It is much easier for me to do things alone, without a partner who is showing me his reluctance to be with me at an event or in a situation.

I can stand the feeling of walking through life alone, but I can not stand the feeling of having somebody with me in a certain situation who does not want to be there at all. Does this make sense to you?

And within a relationship, this feeling gets even stronger. I want  my partner to be happy. I don`t want to see him suffering.And most importantly: I don`t want him to suffer without getting any pleasure out of the suffering ;-) I don`t want to be the reason for him to feel uncomfortable. I want to be the reason for him to have fun and pleasure.

So lets get back to my original point: the spanking threat and the freeing feeling.

When my man threatened me with a spanking, he did it, (as far as I can tell...I did not yet talk with him about it), because he saw no other way of calming me down. He could tell that I was freaking out. It went on all morning, he had tried to stay relaxed and make me relaxed, but I was too much in "I can not do it"-mode. It was his last resort. His last means of bringing me down to earth.

And it was given freely. He did not say it in order to get turned on himself. I am sure, due to real life stress, a spanking was the last thing he wanted to give (or get...) on that day. But nevertheless, he brought it up, in order to find a solution for a problem. He brought it up in order to make me feel better. He brought it up because he was watching out for me, because he was having my six. Because he wanted to make me happy again.

And see, this is something that really makes me happy.

Friday, December 10, 2010

a woman in love

I am back in Germany.It is very strange to be here again. My time in the USA has just been extremely nice.

I am not afraid to share it with all of you: I LOVE the man.

There are many obstacles and difficulties in his and in my life and it is hard to tell when exactly we will see each other again. But I will see him again. That' s for sure. Being with him feels so right. He is the man I have been waiting for in the past. Just recently, during an argument..., I told him that I trust him with my life. And that was not cheap talk.I can feel that there is an extraordinary strong bond of affection between us.

The only 'problem' is: he is such a private person. Which means I can not share too much with you about him and me...I just like to talk to people about private things. And for some reason people keep telling me very private things. We went to church a couple of days ago. And he said to me. 'Do you think the female pastor is pregnant?'  And I only answered: 'Do you want me to ask her if she is?'  I would have loved to talk with her about whether she is pregnant or not. And I am sure she would have told me EVERYTHING about it, lol.

But I know he 'hates' it when I am doing that as far as he and his life is concerned. Therefore I won't do that.

What I can share however is: My dominant career is an 'epic fail', lol.
There is no strong woman anymore ;-) I became a very well-behaved  woman, lol.(To be honest, I am not sure if he would agree with that statement. I think even a very good "Tina" is still a lot to bear for any man. But that is his problem, he can not expect me to feel sorry for him in that regard!!!!)

Me...I am melting like butter in his hands.
I ended up giving him massages for hours. I suddenly felt very close with all you submissive guys out there. I now understand the beauty of giving someone an endless foot massage.

HE even threatened to spank me.(Even though it was just a threat, no actions were taken...) Can you believe that? I almost can not believe it myself! And the even more unbelievable thing is: I did not mind him telling me that.

I think it is all linked to the fact that I have not been trying to find a submissive man in the first place. My main goal was to find the right partner for me. And him and I, we were able to establish a really sound and deep relationship through all the hundreds of emails we have been exchanging in the past.I know he would not do me any harm. And I have no intention of harming him.

He gives me a feeling of secureness and belonging which I have not had before in my life. It is a very unfamiliar feeling, but a very good one!