A longtime reader and dear friend offered some valuable insight recently.
My experience is that when you have a pattern that keeps repeating itself, there is something deeper at play. Your narrative takes as a given that your kink is a good thing that should be indulged. Have you ever challenged that assumption? Other than a general need for “control” have you looked at what really drives the intensity of your desire for someone to submit to you?
(...). My “kink” is considered a form of “traumatic repetition,” which means I am trying to control the fear I had as a kid by recreating the traumatic situation as an adult.
I pondered his words for a while and I a realized that when it comes to my kink and sexuality, I am driven by fear much more than I had realized.
The thing is, my fears are so deeply embedded in my heart/soul, it is pretty tricky for me to access the roots of these feelings. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I can share a couple of events with you that deeply formed who I am now.
I love men, but at the very same time I am often in fear of them. It feels as if I have to constantly please them. And if I dont please them, something bad happens. (Another reader of the blog mentioned these aspects years ago. If you are reading this, yes, you were right.) For me, men are very unpredictable. And scary. And I know that I don't stand a chance against them when it comes to physical stuff. I saw my step dad slapping my mom in her face. I know that my biological dad once hired a guy to violently cut a woman's hair, in order to punish her. I experienced a drunk boyfriend violently ripping the car keys out of my hand when I had told him: "I am driving, you cant, you are too drunk." I know what it feels like to be helpless in the presence of somebody who is physically so much stronger than I am.
I think one reason why sub men are so attractive to me is: I know men are physically stronger than I am. I know that men have the power to hurt me very much. Both physically and emotionally. And I know that men can be very easily triggered by something I do or say and in consequence yell at me and/or make my life more difficult. In business life that is perfectly fine with me. I have no problems dealing with loud or threatening men in court, for instance. But in my private life: I am scared very easily and often.
I can take care of myself. I am capable of fighting my own fights for myself. I don't need a provider. I am very able to take care of myself. And even when it comes to sexuality: I do know how to pleasure myself.
Letting my guard down and letting a man in my life and showing him my vulnerability didn't come easy for me at all. For a very long time the risk seemed so much higher than the potential gain. That's one of the reasons why I lived as a single woman till my mid thirties. It just did not feel safe to give myself in the hands of somebody who could hurt me that much.
Submissive men offer me the greatest gift possible. They are treating me nicely. They don't yell at me. they don't hurt me physically, they don't threaten me with physical harm, they actually care about me and my feelings. They are willingly and freely giving up the power that they have over me, in order to please me and make me happy. And they allow me to relax and to feel loved and valuable and seen. In being strong enough to making themselves vulnerable around me, these guys allow me to show them my vulnerability too. And in the beginning, I don't even need to show them my vulnerability much. They actually enjoy me being dominant and in charge. They allow me to feel good and do what I am good at and at the same time they don't bring me in a position where I am scared to do something wrong and piss the guy off in a bad way. I think it is safe to say that when I am doing kinky activities with a man, I have never ever actually hurt the man in a bad way. I value his gift to me way too much. Him understanding how thankful I am for the gift of his submission to me is one of my biggest goals.
Btw: I understand now that this is what connects me with James, one reader of my blog, in a very strange way. He (as a submissive man) experienced one of my biggest fears as a domme. The woman in his life didn't understand him correctly, the woman didn't get what he is actually craving and needing, and in doing the kinky things she did to him, she hurt him very much for real and caused him long-lasting and severe pain.
Intellectually I am very sure that I didn't cause any real pain to any man I ever interacted with. But there are parts in me who are convinced that I fucked up big time with a sub I had. And I am just not able to quiet these parts in me down.
You all read about the story with my ex boyfriend. The guy I dated from 2010 to 2014. The gist of it is: He was submissive. We were together for 4 years, I wanted to marry him and he ghosted me. In the last 6 years, since 2014, he has refused all contact with me. And when I flew around half the globe in 2015 to meet him and to bring things to closure between us, he actually hid from me. He was totally shunning me. Still is.
The thing is: I never found closure with him. It is still a hurting and open wound and my internal self-talk in that matter is really bad. My brain says: "He is fighting his own demons. His behavior says much more about him than about you." But my heart says: "Bullshit. You completely failed him. It is all your fault. If only you had behaved differently, if only you had acted differently, if only you were differently." I am deeply convinced that I must have somehow failed him. It feels like I somehow let him down big time and he is now punishing me by ending all contact with me for good. It feels like he doesn't think I am even worthy of one single word or one single minute of his time anymore.
I have tried to find closure in the last 6 years, but could not. And I have reflected about it what's going on in me for all that time. I meditated about it. I prayed over it. I spoke with my shrink about it. I have begged him for closure, and pleaded with him, and tried to please him into helping me to get closure, but to no avail. All the years he has chosen to stay completely silent. He completely shut me out of his life.
And the horrible thing is: I cant hate him. I somehow think he must be justified in his strong reaction to me because I must have somehow treated him super badly and caused him terrible harm. I still get tears in my eyes just thinking about the fact that he chooses to cut me out of his life for good. And the aspect that is driving me crazy is: I have no fucking clue what I could have done to earn such a behavior/punishment from him.
My best friend, who actually met the ex-boyfriend in person, told me a few days ago:
"Tina, your reaction to the whole ex- boyfriend story is so strong, I doubt that the man is actually responsible for that strong reaction. He must have triggered deeper , more hidden parts in you. And my guess is that it is related to stuff you experienced with your father."
I knew immediately that my friend was right. My ex was or is a wonderful father to his kids. There is no doubt about it that he is great dad material. He is quite a bit older than I am, and I can totally see that he triggered feelings related to my father in me.
So I thought: Sigh, ok, let's look at my father.
To be continued.