Saturday, February 16, 2019

why are so many of you Americans?

Just a quick question that I have been wondering about for a long time:

Why is it that the most readers of my blog are Americans?

Google tells me that the vast majority of my readers are from the US. Far, far behind are Germans and people from UK. All the other countries play almost no role in my statistics at all.

I always liked the fact that so many Americans are reading my blog. I love the Americans, always have, always will :-)  It surprises me though that whatever I am writing is obviously most interesting to Americans. Do you have any theory why that is?

Whenever I mention the word "punishment lines" or "writing lines as punishment" the numbers of  readers of my blog increase a lot. The blog post with the most views ever is about "punishment lines". It´s from 2012, but still gets viewed a lot,  here is the link.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Giving and taking control

I got into an online discussion with Dan recently, that got unexpected deep for me. 

(The whole exchange can be found here in the comment section .)

I had written: 

"From my point of view, there is nothing more heartbreaking and hurting than being told "take control" and then the guy does not actually give me control. It has happened many times to me. And every incident is engraved in my memory. I have told guys to do something and they did not do it, did not obey. It is a terrible feeling for me. Sucks the energy out of me. Makes me feel small and worthless. 
To quote Ferns: D/s takes two people. As a dominant, I CANNOT be second guessing whether he will do what I want or not, I need to trust him to submit. If I can’t trust him, it leads to a headspace that looks like this:
“Should I ask him to get me some water? What if he says ‘no’? He looks pretty comfortable, maybe he won’t want to get up. Ahhh, he’ll say ‘yes’, I’m sure he will. Maybe he won’t… what if he doesn’t. Ahh, hell, I’ll just get it myself, I don’t want to fight about it.”
Soon, she is not dominating him anymore, she is just getting him to do things that she hopes he won’t mind doing. He then wonders what happened to the fearless Domme he used to adore and she wonders what happened to her lovely submissive."


And Dan replied with:

"do you notice how much your comment focuses on him "giving" you control and the effect it has when he asks you to "take" control but he does not easily "give" it? If the entire dynamic depends on him submitting easily, willingly, consistently . . . then he may have given up control but have you really "taken" it? Is Dominating really dominating if it is 100% dependent on the other person yielding quickly and easily? I used to ride horses. I never found controlling the spiritless ones to be very satisfying, and if my ability to stay in the saddle depended on them never bucking, did the deficiency lie with them or with me . . . Food for thought."

Dan´s comment hit me right into the heart. It was obviously spot on, because I read it, I felt terrible and I felt an urgent need to defend myself and to explain myself. That´s always a good indicator that the other person has made an interesting point. :-)

So what´s going on:
Well, I like being in control. And I am in control A LOT of my time. And often I just TAKE control. It comes with being a lawyer, boss and oldest kid. To me, it feels like: I have taken control so often in my life, I am in control in so many areas, I dont need to proof to anybody that I am able to just TAKE control.

But within a relationship, I want my man to GIVE the control to me. I dont wanna "tame a wild stallion". (I am not good with animals anyway.) I want a man who is in control of his life, and who freely hands the control over to me. I dont want a man who is "spiritless". Far from it. The men in my life have always been very dominant and tough.

I just dont wanna go into a power struggle with my man. Nothing turns me off more. It´s a waste of energy and to me, personally, it feels like disrespect.

I dont want my man to test his boundaries with me. I expect him to be grown up enough not to do that. I have to be so fucking grown up and responsible and solution orientated in my life, I just dont wanna waste any time with a guy who acts childishly.

I want my man to know that I know that he is manly, and strong, and powerful and awesome. There is no need for him to proof that to me. If I would not think he´s the greatest, I would not be in a relationship with him.

I want him to support me, and I am willing to support him. And sometimes supporting me means serving me. I was with Gregory at one of his business events recently. He was working hard. And me, I spent the whole event running back and forth to make things easier for him and to be of help. Did he ask me to do that? Of course not. He did not need to. I am his wife, I WANT to support him. I WANT to make his life easier, I WANT him to succeed in what he does. If that means I have to serve him , I am more than willing to do it.

I am willing to jump in front of a car for my man. And the best way my man can support me is by serving me, by just doing what I want him to do in that moments when life gets crazy. Whether he likes it or not. I want his submission as a gift. I don`t want to TAKE anything from him. I want to be given something from him.

I think it is a bit like this: I know I can TAKE it from him. As a lawyer, I am thinking about ways of getting things from people all day long. I know how to use fair and unfair and even manipulative means to get things from people.

But I dont want to do that in my private life. And I especially don`t wanna do that in the relationship with my husband.

And one additional aspect:
I dont wanna be resented by my man for what I do or do to him. And I dont wanna be resented for having control or being in control.

I am craving obedience and support, not power struggle and resentments.

A Dana Kane video came to my mind. I usually like Dana Kane´s stuff a lot. I think she is great. And I am following the story of the Very Bad Boy and his wife for years. This specific video though, it actually pissed me off when I watched it. I had this feeling of : "For fucks sake, why is he not just doing what he is told? What is this stupid resisting all about? Why is he complicating things so much."

The Very Bad Boys wife, she is obviously trying to give him what he craves. He seems to be in need of the physical pain, and she is willing to do what is necessary to make him happy. Dana is the one who actually inflicts the real pain, but the wife is doing what she can within her abilities.

So, my question is: why is it so important for him to make a point that Dana and the wife are not getting through to him? Why does he feel a need to joke around and mock them, instead of just saying: "Thank you for all you are giving to me and doing for me."?

I know, I know, this thing we do is a very personal thing. There are hundreds of flavors to it. And good for everybody who found what he /she likes. But for me, everything related to power struggles, resentments, and testing limits is just super off turning.

I dont wanna break my man. I dont want to make his life more difficult. I dont want him to really suffer. 

To me, personally, it feels like: I want my man to know: "Baby, I got you. I am taking good care of you and us." I want him to know that I am there for him. Seeing him happy and fulfilled makes me happy and fulfilled. I think Gregory would testify that I am always striving to make him happy.

I dont wanna be in a relationship where the guy is actually afraid of me. I dont wanna be in a relationship where he obeys me because he thinks he has to obey me or something very bad will happen. I dont wanna be in a relationship where the man resents me for telling/asking him to do something for me.

I want him to do even unpleasant things not because he has to but because they make ME happy. Seeing him standing naked in a corner with his hands on his head is just super hot for ME. Telling him he cant come tonight because I dont want him to, that´s a huge turn on for ME. Letting him know that he will get a spanking later today makes ME happy.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that make me happy. I sometimes kiss Gregory in public and he gets all shy. He is not into "public display of emotions" AT ALL. For me, kissing him in public is awesome. I wanna show the world that he is mine. I do that all the time and Gregory lets me.
He told me though: "Not in front of my friends, not in front of the guys".

I think that it would be perfectly ok to kiss him even "in front of the guys". But I dont do it. I could, but I dont do it. For me, it is much much hotter to one day unexpectedly tell him: "I want you to kiss me now, right now, in front of the guys." He will not like it, he will feel very uncomfortable, but if he gives in, if he "hands me control" and if he lets me have my way, not because he has to, but because he WANTS to make me happy, I will feel AMAZING.

For me, being given control by my husband is much much hotter than just taking it away from him.



Friday, February 1, 2019

I got my first spanking EVER

I know, I have not written in a very long time. There are a couple of reasons for my silence. It feels like I have reached my goal, I found the love that I was looking for, I got married and found my man. I reached the goal that I had when I opened this blog almost 9 years ago.

Over these years, I texted with so many men, I listened to so many stories, I learned so much about men and myself, I learned so much about this thing we do and why we do it, and how we do it... I somewhat lost interest in these exchanges. I dont think that there is much left for me to explore.

I am very happy now. I love Gregory and I am telling him daily how happy I am that he is mine. It is great to be married. I do enjoy married life a lot. 

I think I never had trust issues. But with Gregory, right from the start, it was especially easy. He trusted me and I trusted him. Period. We are still living a lot of time in different time zones and on different continents. Trusting each other is essential when having such a life style. And I feel so calm and at peace with everything Gregory does, it is a wonderful feeling. 

I still sometimes borrow his phone for events that I have to go to. I still dont have an american phone myself and I need his phone as a navigation instrument to drive to the places I want to go. He always hands me his phone, trusting me with his whole online life. I still feel like: "wow, this man is amazing". 

I never even secretly briefly glance at anything that is on his phone. Never. All I ever use is google maps. I know that if I would ask him, he would show me whatever I wanna see or know. Sometimes he tries to hide from me what porn he watches on the computer, lol, but I always tell him: "Dont be embarrassed, I am watching exactly the same stuff " ;-)

The fact that I trust Gregory on such a deep level was the basis to something very extraordinary. I finally got my first spanking:-)

It happened a few weeks ago. I was in a playful mood and I told him: "Let me  spank you." He did, lol, because he knows how much I love doing it and how much I love everything that involves him being naked and me being able to touch him. We usually do it CFNM style. I am having a blast seeing him naked and a bit shy, while I am still more or less dressed.

Anyway, I hand spanked him, he was "enjoying" it, I WAS enjoying it, and afterwards I got naked and cuddled up to him. It felt so emotionally warm and wonderful and secure, and suddenly I said words I have never ever said before. I told him: "Spank me!".

He looked at me a bit surprised and said something like: "I think this is not your thing? You sure?" 

I replied: "yes, I am sure. I want you to do it. Spank me. But dont be too hard on me." I was afraid of my own courage, lol, and wanted to keep some control ;-)

And without further ado he started to spank me on my naked butt.

I enjoyed it, very much. Gregory is good at it. He knows what he is doing. It was great. Intimate. Personal. Sweet. Pleasant. Delightful. And I was completely surrendering to the situation.

I remember suddenly thinking: "wow, that is such an energy exchange. The spanker is giving so much, that´s amazing".

I think I have written endlessly about the fact that when I am the dominant woman, I am giving a lot to the submissive man. And in this moment, when Gregory spanked me, I could feel how much he is giving to me. It was a super revealing moment for me. It felt like Gregory is showering me with love and energy and attention. It felt like he is mirroring to me what I am always doing to him. I had never before given up control like I did in that moment. The "strong woman" was finally strong enough to allow herself to be weak in the arms of her man. That is great success, dont you think? ;-)

I am so happy he is in my life. I am so happy he is my husband. I am so happy he is mine.

Friday, September 14, 2018

it is with great pleasure that I announce...

Gregory and I got married.

Yes, we actually did it. We got married in the US and he is my husband now.

The wedding was wonderful. Short and sweet and exciting. 

The honeymoon was romantic and full of laughter and fun and joy.

We are happy and overjoyed.

He told me recently: "Babe, I married up." And I replied: "Nope, I am the one, I married up."

We went to church together recently, for the first time as a married couple. I saw in the hymnal that it was St. Gregory´s day. I showed it to him and we both smiled.

Life is good. :-) 

Sunday, August 26, 2018

being sent to bed early



I should do millions of things right now. I dont even know where to start. I am almost paralyzed because I have no idea how to squeeze so much work in that little time that I have left to do it. What better moment is there to write a new blog post ;-)

I received the following comment: 
Early bedtimes are, for me and my wife, probably the most effective punishment she uses. of course, there are many others! She is the one in charge. she decides. But the one I fear most is being put to bed early. I don't know why but when she decides to dress me for bed and put me down I am reduced to a little boy and can put up no resistance. Do others react in the same way?
teddy

I wrote a bit about early bedtimes in my old posts. And judging from the numbers of views on these posts, it seems to be a topic that is of interest to more people than one might think, lol.

I have sent a man to be early. And I can report: It was a power rush for me ;-)

It feeds my cravings for dominance and power so well, because it is so frigging unsexy for the guy.  

If anybody, like teddy , wants to discuss that topic, just let me know and I will write more on it. If not, I will come up with another topic :-)

Saturday, August 18, 2018

female led relationship?

I think it is no secret that I love being in control. I get turned on by dominating my man. It fills me with deep happiness when my man submits to me and when he does as I tell him. The idea that he does or endures something, even though he does not WANT to do/endure it, but still does it for ME, is both hot and romantic for me.

For me, sexuality has always been linked to an element of  power, control, letting go and dominance. Vanilla intercourse and generally vanilla sex has never had much appeal to me and I rarely, if ever,  engage in it.

I dont want the man in my life to be my doormat. I want him to be successful and happy. I want him to let his light shine in the world. And I want him to be strong and strong minded. I dont mind when "the world" thinks that he is the leader in our relationship, I even dont mind when "the world" thinks that I am the submissive in the relationship, as long as both he and I know and agree on that in the privacy of our relationship I am the one who wears the pants and he is the one who goes over my knees ;-)

For me, domestic discipline and the kink and "this thing we do" was never a game. It always satisfied a deep and deeply embedded need in me. It has never been something I do "just for fun". I mean, dont get me wrong, I know it can be A LOT of fun to engage in "this thing we do".  But generally speaking, I dont do it "just" for fun. I always saw it as an act of love and care. It felt like in disciplining or punishing a man, I was showering him with love, care, attention and energy. It was always deep meaningful, bonding and almost a bit sacred.

In the context of a loving and caring relationship, everything "punishment-related" is still hot for me. I love the idea of partners assuming responsibility and being held accountable. I think that I am generally somebody who does not bear a grudge. I sometimes "explode" emotionally, and yell and slam doors and /or cry, but I have never been accused of being unforgiving. I am too much of  a criminal defender. I know that everybody makes mistakes in life. I know that everybody hurts other people once in a while, intentionally or not. 

Lately I have been doing a lot of inner work on taking responsibility for my own actions/my own life, on being understanding of other peoples motives, on being open-minded, on accepting myself and other people as they are. Sometimes I actually walk in my brothers sneakers, to get a feeling for what it feels like to walk in his shoes/ to be him. And I am wearing whatever of Gregory´s clothes that he does not hide fast enough from me ;-) 

When it comes to domestic discipline and female led relationships, I am quite confused though at the moment. It feels like I dont believe in the concept anymore. Basically, I am pondering the following questions:

*Who do I think I am to tell another person what is right or wrong? how arrogant of me to think I know what´s best for another person/my boyfriend.

*In domestic discipline /female led relationships there is often a huge maternal element,  and that was fine for me in the past. I did not mind being seen  in a motherly light. With Gregory though, I feel like a real, sexy and great woman. I enjoy the fact that he sees me as his girlfriend and not his mother. Do I want to add a motherly element again, even though I have fought in the past for so many years to be seen as a hot woman?

*Dan, over at the disciplinary couples club, has also made me think. He is a guy I highly regard. He has mentioned a couple of times now that his wife gives him a limit on how many drinks he can have when he is out with friends/colleagues, but he over and over again does not stick to the limit she sets. The question that lingers in the air for me as a woman is: why bother "pretending" to be in control, when in fact the woman is NOT in control? he obviously does not want to give up control in that aspect of his life. And when the guy can choose when and when not he wants to follow his wife´s rules, that is just not hot for me. I feel like : it is better to have a vanilla relationship then being a top without power.

*Mike Pence and his statement that he never eats alone with a woman who is not his wife. Nor will he attend an event without her where alcohol is served.....This is exactly what I do not want. I want my guy to be out in the world, and enjoy himself and have fun, but at the same time I want him to respect me and my wishes. Not out of fear, but out of respect and love for me. I want him to have an intrinsic motivation to please me.

Right from the beginning Gregory has always given me his phone when I needed it. I mean: His PHONE with everything on it. Pictures, bank data, business contacts etc etc etc. I told you he is awesome, didn't I ? ;-) Did I ever actually search through his phone, or did something that I was not supposed to do? No, all I ever did was using the phone`s navigation system to guide me to a location where I needed to go.  I have an intrinsic motivation to please him and I do believe that trust deserves trust.

To me, it feels like:
No 1 priority for me is to have a great relationship with my guy. If a guy like Dan thinks he needs the drinks with his friends, it is his decision to have it. And if a guy like Pence thinks he has to move heaven and earth  just to not be led into temptation, that is his decision too. I dont know what´s right in that matter. All I know is that the woman in a female led domestic relationship is fully dependent on the man´s willingness to give up control.

We will see what the future brings.

Oh, and yes: Gregory and I are still together, and happy. Very happy, actually :-)

Sunday, May 27, 2018

update

It has been quite a long time since my last post. I just needed some time to center myself and to take care of myself. I know, quite a few of the readers of this blog have been wondering how things with me and Gregory are and I can report that we were able to sort everything out.

Here is what happened:

After he left for the USA, I drove home from the airport and cried and cried and cried. We exchanged a few harmless text messages but both of us were dealing with the situation on his or her own. 

Things changed after I had published my last blog post. I had not told Gregory about my tears and the depth of my feelings and he learned about it through my blog. He asked me whether I did not think this was something that I should have told him in the first place, and not "the world" by publishing it on my blog?  I agreed with him and apologized for using that venue instead of talking to him directly. 

I use my blog as a means to express my feelings, as a means to sort through my own feelings, as a means to get clarity. And I understand that it must be difficult for Gregory to read about our relationship online. I try not to speak too much about him, but with him being such an important part of my life now, it is impossible not to mention him at all. 

Anyway: I wrote that post, he read it and we finally talked. (And everybody say: "hallelujah!")

I think that in Gregory´s eyes I am sometimes too sweet. I tell him nice stuff pretty much all the time, and tell him how awesome he is constantly. He sometimes tells me: "You are too kind". 

During that talk though I was not sweet at all. I really did bring it on. Whereas usually I am always thinking: "I hope this awesome man stays with me forever" I now had this attitude of: "If he leaves me now, so be it. I cannot change it." I told him some unpleasant things. Gave him a tongue lashing. And while doing that, I was sort of expecting him to reciprocate, to verbally lash out to me. I was preparing myself mentally for being told some unpleasant things too. He did not do that though. He chose the high road of listening to my feelings, expressing his own views and feelings in that matter and not trying to distract from it by bringing up my own flaws , (which there are many).

During these talks I was in Germany and he was in the US. And at one point he said to me: "I really hope you come to me again." He let me know that he cares about me. He let me know that he wants us to stay together. And he apologized to me again.  

I had already booked a flight to the US when Gregory got sick for a few weeks and a family member of him was involved in an accident. And I got to tell you, I felt so stupid and guilty. I had this feeling of; "why were we even arguing? life is so short, things can change so quickly..."

Some time later I was finally back in the US with Gregory again and things  between us worked out very well. We had a great time together. Both of us enjoyed it immensly.

Now I am in Germany and looking forward to the next meeting with Gregory.

It feels like the fact that we had this huge argument at the airport and the fact that we were able to settle it is now a stabilizing factor in the relationship. The hurricane has cleared the air. It gives me a sense of safety and security to know that Gregory is still in my life. 
I learned that it is ok for me to express my feelings.
I learned that Gregory wont leave me, even when things get messy. 
I learned that he is willing to work on our relationship with me. 
I learned that we already are a team, much more than both of us had realized.




Saturday, March 3, 2018

reaching my limits

This is probably gonna be one of the most personal blog posts I have ever written.

Let me give you some background: when I was a kid, at around age 10, I was a competitive swimmer. I used to train so hard that I sometimes vomited after training. Nobody forced me to train so hard, I just did it because I wanted to be a good swimmer/student /girl and I did not  listen to my body and my limits. I just gave all I had. 

Years later, when I was doing my legal clerkship, I played tennis with some local house wifes. I participated in a smal tournament. It was a fun tournament, as far as I remember there was not even anything to be won. Nevertheless I ignored all my limits and I played so long that I broke down and that my team mates actually had to call an ambulance for me. I was taken from the tennis court right to the local hospital, where I needed to stay for a few hours. I had given all I had had.

Nowadays, there are days in my law firm when I see client after client after client. I encourage them, help them, solve their problems, make them laugh, give them a good feeling, give them hope, support them and calm them down. I give and give and give and give. And in the evening I go straight to bed, completely drained and spent, and with a hurting head. I just give way too much.

Ignoring my own needs, ignoring my own limits and ignoring my own wants is a recurring theme in my life. 

I have this general need, to make everybody around me happy. It is ridiculous, I know. Nevertheless, this is what I am striving for. And in doing that, I regularly come to my limits, and ignore my limits. And I regularly come to a point where I need to withdraw from the world, in order to "find" myself again. I spent hours alone in my room, just trying to concentrate on myself and on gaining my own energy back.

When I am with other people, it feels like I am so focused on them and their needs and making them happy, that I completely forget to take care of myself.

I think that is one of the reasons why I was searching for a  submissive guy. I wanted a guy in my life who puts my needs first, because I for sure cant be trusted with taking care of my own needs. I know that I can make a difference in other peoples life. And I thought that a submissive guy could make that difference in my life. But I realise now that this aint gonna happen. I need to be the one who is taking care of my own needs. I cant just outsource that to a submissive man.

Plus, in all fairness, I usually dont tell the man what I want and need. I just hope he will somehow know it.

This is something I need to change. It is my fuckig responsibility to learn to say "no", to learn to listen to my body, to learn to pay attention to my limits and to not give more than I actually have.

I drove Gregory to the airport not too long ago. He was nervous, the airport was a madhouse and it was unclear whether he would even be able to fly home again or wheter he would have to spend hours or days at the airport.

Gregory was nervous, and I was nervous too. I did not sleep at all the night before I drove him to the airport. I got up at 6 am, made him coffe, got the car ready, took care of all sorts of things, and drove Gregory to the airport. We were good in time. I was thinking of just stopping real quick and do the "kiss and fly" goodbye, without parking the car. On the drive to the airport though I somehow got the impression that Gregory wanted me to park the car and come with him into the airport. (I am not even sure now whether he actually wanted it or wheter I only assumed it...). Anyway, in order to make everybody around me happy, (and that "everybody" was Gregory...) I decided to park the car in a parking garage at the airport. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

It was a bit tricky though, because my car is nice and big and the parking spots in old parking garages in Germany are nasty and tight.

I tried one spot, my car did not fit in, and I drove up a level, found no parking spot, I dove up another level and tried a different spot. It was super tight though, I had to maneuver back and forth over and over again, and Gregory started yelling at me "What are you doing? I got a plane to catch. Park the damn car. Why are you making me late? etc etc etc."

Gregory stormed out of the car, I told him: "If you wanna park the car, do it," and I got out of the car myself, while the car was still only half in the parking spot.

Gregory however yelled at me again, telling me that I`d be doing stupid things, that I `d be making him late, that I`d be creating problems. He got his suitcase out of the trunk and started to walk away. I got back in the car, squeezed the car in the damn tight spot and run after Gregory. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

I found him and told him: "the elevator is over there". But there was no elevator, only stairs, so I took his suit case and carried it down the stairs, I was so full of adrenaline, the 20 kg suitcase felt like a feather to me. But still , in hindsight, I should have just left and let him deal with it.

We walked in icy silence to the departure counter, we stood there in silence for a while, but Gregory was convinced that I had created problems for him. I told him that I dont want us to part like that. I briefly kissed him once, as a way to say: "come on, all is good." But I did not get the feeling of "yes, all is good". I kissed him a second time, but still it felt odd. And when I wanted to kiss him a third time he rolled his eyes on me and moved away. This is when I finally left. I just said "bye" and walked away.

It was exactly as I dont want it to be, We left without a proper good bye, without being ok with each other, without having ended the dispute.

I went back to the car and cried during the whole one hour long drive back.

I had this overwhelming feeling of:
"Gregory, I am giving you ALL I HAVE. If it is not enough, I cant give you more,"

When I was home I saw that he has sent me a text message, still from the airport, and apologized for loosing his temper.

We  have not spoken about the whole thing yet. And I am really afraid of doing it. I am really scared when a man, especially my man, yells at me. It freezes me. Makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel small and petrified.