Friday, December 31, 2010

unfamiliar territory

According to "Tonya", my best friend, I changed quite a lot since having found my man. She tells me I am radiating a happiness and contentment I had not had in the past.She has known me since many years, since the beginning of law school and we had many , and I mean really many!!!, conversations about men, partnership and what we want in life.

We were not alway sure that we would find happiness in a partnership. To be honest, we were not always sure if we would could "get" a partner at all. At these conversations the unflattering term "old spinster" came up more than once... See, in our way of seeing things, there comes a point in a womans life, where being a virgin is not longer "hot" but "embarrassing" and "a problem". And unfortunately for her, she still has not found "her man" yet. She is still single...But she is happy for me. And I keep telling her that she will find a good man too.(oh, and NO, she is not into domestic discipline..., I tried to match her with a cool American guy just recently, but it looks as if it is not going to work out at all).

Even if I might sound like a little girl,  I still have a hard time to realize that I actually "found" my man. It is such a dream come true... Being with him feels right. He treats me very well. He brings a smile to my face whenever I only think of him. He is having my six in situations where nobody ever supported me in the past.

Last year at this time, I had almost given up all hope of finding the "real deal" as far as finding a partner is concerned. I have been waiting a very long time for "him" and for the relationship I am having now with him. The feeling of having him in my life is still so unfamiliar...I am really entering unfamiliar territory here.

The fact that he is into domestic discipline feels like the icing on the cake. I don`t write much about any dd relevant events lately. This is because I am still trying to understand the deep impact that the "vanilla" aspects of the relationship are having on me. Just being with him, touching him, feeling him and at the times when we are thousands of miles apart, thinking of him, is enough to turn me on. Heck, I am wearing his socks today, and that alone is turning me on, lol.

There is no need to "manipulate " me into giving a spanking or wanting him to do things for me. I like to do that. Since starting my blog, I have become pretty courageous in living my dominant side. Domestic discipline does not scare me. I think it is hot indeed. But the "relationship" aspect is new to me.

I do not know all his boundaries and wishes and wants and needs yet. And I don´t want him to say: "Sorry, that`s not going to happen. This does not turn me on, this is not my cup of tea...". Because, even though it might sound strange and not dominant at all: My main goal is to make him happy. I just want to please him so much...And I don`t want to pressure him into dd at times when he is not in the mood. This has not been the case with some men I only exchanged a couple of emails with. The thought that they probably were not in the mood did not ever occur to me. I just went for what I wanted. But with my man, everything seems to be so different...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

female self-doubt and "the big take away"

It might sound as if I would not understand dd at all... sorry if I should give you that impression. :-) The problem I am going to address is of course much more complex ... but I have been trying to phrase it as neat as possible.

Over the holidays I have been reading many blogs on domestic discipline. Very interesting stuff... And one big question came to my mind:

How is it possible to get over my self-doubts?
Or in other words: Is it possible to be in a dd relationship and still have self-doubts?

and I am wondering, if these women have the same self-doubts as I am having?

To me, it looks as being a dominant woman in a domestic discipline relationship calls for the woman to be free of any fear that the man could actually end the relationship. Somehow these women seem to be able to believe that the men will stay in the relationship, even if the demands of the women are really hard to accept for the men.

I told you, I am in love with my man. Therefore I don`t want him to end the relationship. And no, he has not done/said/made/anything to give me reason to believe he wants to break up. And neither did I. Far from it. I just sent him a love message....

I am only discussing a theoretical question, that most likely has its source in my childhood.

The two afore mentioned ladies have both written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most.(Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...)  And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwheming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.

But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game.It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.

And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.

Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them , only waiting to start a relationship with them....

I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I spanked a man...

It happened quite some time ago. I did not write about it earlier, because I wanted to keep it to myself in order to process it mentally. I just needed to have the experience for myself. Could not share it. Did not want to share it. Not even with you.

It was much more intense than I expected it to be. And I can not find the words to phrase properly, how deep and moving an experience it  was. Even now, just thinking about it, I almost can not believe it actually happened. It was an event so out of my regular life...I am lacking the right words to express how overwhelmed I have been by it. Overwhelmed in a very good sense. It was probably the deepest gift of trust from another human being that I have ever received in my whole life.

In a way, it was exactly as I had imagined it to be. I was prepared. I wanted it to happen. You all know, how much I had written and thought about giving a spanking.And, exactly as I had imagined, it showed that I was only able to do it, because I knew the man is worth my time and dedication. I was so impressed by his ability of (literally) giving himself in my hands. And I am still fascinated by the fact that he submitted to me in such a profound way.

Since it was my "first time", I was unsure what to do and how to do it. And in the very beginning , for a moment, I actually reclined to him for help. But as soon as he signaled me "go for it, you can do it, I will be ok", I had no problems getting  my mind in the right frame. He asked me: "Are you left handed or right handed?" I answered him and then he  walked over to my right side and just went over my knees.

I had seen a lot of spankings on the Internet. And it is not as if you would need to know about astrophysics in order to give a proper spanking. So I was able of spanking him appropriately, even though I had never received a spanking myself ever.

Surprisingly, I did not talk much during the spanking. I only said very little. I mean there was not much to say anyway...I tried to make an impression on his "iron" butt, which - with my hand only- was quite difficult. At the beginning, he had made a very good point- as I know now...- in saying something like: "it is going to be difficult for you to get through to me, if you only use your hand". But I have always been one to accept a challenge. So I spanked him with my hand as hard as I could. And as long as I could.

And I know I was getting through to him....I was really giving him as much as I possibly could. After a while, I told him to get up and I lead him to the corner. It has been getting dark outside, and we were in a pretty dark room by now, but I did not turn on the lights.I enjoyed the calmness that came with the dark.  While he stood in the corner, I sat in the chair, just watching him. It was very strange. I was exhausted. I was sweating. And I tried to understand what was going on. By now, he had fully given all control to me....

I still don´t want to share everything that happened. So I will skip to the end...

Of course there was a proper "aftercare". For him and for me ;-) We were in each others arms for a very long time. Just holding each other. Touching each other. Whispering to each other. Making sure the other one is ok.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Have been trying to come up with an interesting quote for my is what I found ;-)

"So long as chastity is preserved, it is respected; it is despised only after having been lost."
Jean-Jaques Rousseau

Sunday, December 12, 2010

power exchange

In the past, I have been able of establishing my dominance over my man. There has been no doubt who is the dominant and who is the submissive one, as far as our relationship is concerned.

Lately however, things changed quite a bit. I told you, he threatened to spank me. As for the background of his threat: I was totally freaking out, due to hormones, biology and -most importantly- my damn legal thesis.

Even though I knew right from the moment when he threatened to spank me, that he would have no chance in following through with it  (due to lack of privacy and due to other people showing up very soon), I nevertheless submitted to his authority right away. I tried to get my act together as best as I could and as fast as I could. I just knew he had a valid point.

In a way I was very curious where that power exchange might lead me and the relationship. And right now I can report to you: It has given me a very freeing feeling, which I will explain in just a moment.

First of all: no worries. There won`t be a permanent role reversal within our relationship. I am sure I will not become one submissive little girl...However, I learned that it is very easy for me to submit to his natural authority. In a way, he plays the power games much better than I do.

Expecting obedience from another person does not come too easy for me. And since I am in love with my man, it is even more difficult for me, to follow through with my approach of expecting him to just do as I tell him to do. The need to please is just embedded too deep in my personality.

And in the way I look at things, it is very important for me to NOT actually force a man to do things for me.
In theory, it has its appeal to MAKE him submit to me, no doubt about that. But in real life, I am far from being a hardcore dominatrix. I do not believe in natural supremacy of women. There is no natural reason for a man to submit to a woman. I see his submission as a gift. A gift from him to me. And if he is not in the mood to give it to me, I will not force him. Because in forcing him, it would no longer be a gift. For me, it feels degrading to have to ask for a gift.

Generally, in my life, I am independent and strong enough to NOT ask for things. 'You don`t want to go to church with me? I will go alone, no problem. You don`t want to go to that party? Ok, I have no issues with showing up alone.' I am used to lead my life alone. And seriously, I can say these things without any hard feelings. If a man does not freely want to do things with me, or for me, I am not going to pressure him in doing it. And there are rarely situations where I actually NEED a man to stand by my side. I am perfectly able of fighting my own fights. It is much easier for me to do things alone, without a partner who is showing me his reluctance to be with me at an event or in a situation.

I can stand the feeling of walking through life alone, but I can not stand the feeling of having somebody with me in a certain situation who does not want to be there at all. Does this make sense to you?

And within a relationship, this feeling gets even stronger. I want  my partner to be happy. I don`t want to see him suffering.And most importantly: I don`t want him to suffer without getting any pleasure out of the suffering ;-) I don`t want to be the reason for him to feel uncomfortable. I want to be the reason for him to have fun and pleasure.

So lets get back to my original point: the spanking threat and the freeing feeling.

When my man threatened me with a spanking, he did it, (as far as I can tell...I did not yet talk with him about it), because he saw no other way of calming me down. He could tell that I was freaking out. It went on all morning, he had tried to stay relaxed and make me relaxed, but I was too much in "I can not do it"-mode. It was his last resort. His last means of bringing me down to earth.

And it was given freely. He did not say it in order to get turned on himself. I am sure, due to real life stress, a spanking was the last thing he wanted to give (or get...) on that day. But nevertheless, he brought it up, in order to find a solution for a problem. He brought it up in order to make me feel better. He brought it up because he was watching out for me, because he was having my six. Because he wanted to make me happy again.

And see, this is something that really makes me happy.

Friday, December 10, 2010

a woman in love

I am back in Germany.It is very strange to be here again. My time in the USA has just been extremely nice.

I am not afraid to share it with all of you: I LOVE the man.

There are many obstacles and difficulties in his and in my life and it is hard to tell when exactly we will see each other again. But I will see him again. That' s for sure. Being with him feels so right. He is the man I have been waiting for in the past. Just recently, during an argument..., I told him that I trust him with my life. And that was not cheap talk.I can feel that there is an extraordinary strong bond of affection between us.

The only 'problem' is: he is such a private person. Which means I can not share too much with you about him and me...I just like to talk to people about private things. And for some reason people keep telling me very private things. We went to church a couple of days ago. And he said to me. 'Do you think the female pastor is pregnant?'  And I only answered: 'Do you want me to ask her if she is?'  I would have loved to talk with her about whether she is pregnant or not. And I am sure she would have told me EVERYTHING about it, lol.

But I know he 'hates' it when I am doing that as far as he and his life is concerned. Therefore I won't do that.

What I can share however is: My dominant career is an 'epic fail', lol.
There is no strong woman anymore ;-) I became a very well-behaved  woman, lol.(To be honest, I am not sure if he would agree with that statement. I think even a very good "Tina" is still a lot to bear for any man. But that is his problem, he can not expect me to feel sorry for him in that regard!!!!)

Me...I am melting like butter in his hands.
I ended up giving him massages for hours. I suddenly felt very close with all you submissive guys out there. I now understand the beauty of giving someone an endless foot massage.

HE even threatened to spank me.(Even though it was just a threat, no actions were taken...) Can you believe that? I almost can not believe it myself! And the even more unbelievable thing is: I did not mind him telling me that.

I think it is all linked to the fact that I have not been trying to find a submissive man in the first place. My main goal was to find the right partner for me. And him and I, we were able to establish a really sound and deep relationship through all the hundreds of emails we have been exchanging in the past.I know he would not do me any harm. And I have no intention of harming him.

He gives me a feeling of secureness and belonging which I have not had before in my life. It is a very unfamiliar feeling, but a very good one!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Am about to fly to the US. My plane starts in a couple of hours.
To say it is an adventure would be an understatement...
I am very nervous about meeting my man again. Lately, we had no chance to stay in contact too often, so it is hard to tell what is going to happen.  All I know is: I am thinking about him 24/7 :-)

I realized just yesterday that my credit card is expired. Should have asked for a new one weeks ago. Now it is too late and my bank can not provide me with a new one on such a short notice. In Germany I NEVER use a credit card, that is why I did not notice it earlier...

My mans credit card would not be of any help, because I made my reservations through a German Internet site. And they said explicitly that the good prices are for Germans only and not for Americans. So they want to see a German credit card... (Btw: isn`t this some form of discrimination? Maybe I should sue them, lol)

But, great as I am, I negotiated with the guys at the American car rental counter to accept my cash deposit. And the manager on duty said it would be ok. Hope he is right...

Have been at the hairdresser yesterday. Now I look like an idiot...I almost started crying ... I have know clue what exactly has happened, but I somehow ended with very unflattering hairs.

But at least my timing is perfect: thanksgiving and black Friday, here I come :-)
And since this whole post is off-topic, let me end my ramblings here with this great clip:

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

plot in a spanking clip?

I just read on a great blog that the author, a man, does not like to see too much plot in a spanking video. And I was wondering if that is the same for you.

It might be a female thing, but for me, the plot is really important. Even in a spanking clip. It adds a lot to the coolness of the clip. And if there is no plot at all, I don`t enjoy the video as much as I would if there would be a (good) story around the spanking.


I think for me the atmosphere is really important. I need to know in which setting we are. And why we are in the setting we are.

I have been wanting to share a good sermon with you for weeks, from one of my favorite tv pastors, Bayless Conley. I have been trying to find it on the internet, but it seems as if it is no longer availble. Anyway, he basically had said: the 7 things that make a man happy: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and a good hot meal. -Not very new, I know ;-)
But he went on: in order to make a woman happy, it takes much more. For women, it is all about the atmosphere. And he was so right in saying that...

If you wanna have sex with a woman tonight, you better start being nice to her during breakfast. Women, or I at least ;-), need an environment that lets us relax, enjoy ourselves, feel loved, feel cherished. Brings us in the mood. The pure act of sex is not appealing for women like me. It has to be sex with a special man.The setting has to be right. There have to be feelings involved. I wanna know what the man thinks, what he feels, what he is longing for, what turns him on. And I want to be sure that he is having sex with "me", and not with a "female person" who could easily be exchanged.

The same goes for spankings and spanking clips. The act of seeing a paddle or belt or hand crush down on a male butt is not hot in itself. I need to be sure that it is not actually abusive. I need to know that the man is submitting by his own free will. I would like to know what brought him in that position. I want to see how he tries to argue his way out of a spanking, with no success, of course ;-) I am interested to know if she is enjoying it or if she is angry with him. I want to see how she comforts him afterwards, how she tells him all is ok now. How she tells him he has been forgiven.

We all know, there is a difference between punisment spankings and erotic spankings. So I wanna know: why is she spanking him? For what reason?
Has he asked for it?  Did he want her to spank him?
Did he hesitate in getting over her knee?

If I could chose, I would want to have a lot of information. therefore: plot? yes, definitely! In clips and in real life :-)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

humiliation, part two

Domestic discipline seems to be much more about "humiliation" than I had realized. Don`t get me wrong, of course I still believe that love and respect and trust and all these kind of things should be the most relevant factors in a relationship. I am just tired of writing that down again. I have done that so many times in the past... You should "know" me by now. I am actually a sweet woman. I am not a cruel bitch who gets turned on by other people suffering. However, within a domestic discipline relationship, "humiliation", or the threat of it, seems to be really important too. 

In a way, being in a domestic discipline relationship carries many humiliating aspects per se. In the way I see it, being punished is not really helpful in not feeling humiliated.... 

Is there a mental state in which one can think of punishments and not feeling humiliated? I doubt that. I think the fact alone that you are going to be punished is humiliating.You might tell yourself that the punishment is well deserved, that she is punishing you for your best only...things like that. But the fact remains, that you are going to be dealt with in a way that is not common for grown up men. 

During a punishment you can not rely on the things you might rely on during your "regular life". It does not matter who you are, what you have achieved in life, how powerful you might be... There is no way to talk her out of it, to negotiate, to threat, to buy, to manipulate or whatever it is you are usually doing in order to get what you want. It is not going to happen in a dd scenario. She will decide what is going to happen, how long it will last and how hard it will be. Your only "job" is to do as she tells you and accept whatever she decides. Who told you "submitting" would be fun?

I am talking about punishments and discipline here. This means grounding him, sending him to bed early, no TV, no sports and yes spankings. I read about a man whose girlfriend does not allow him to wear shoes and socks within the house. He has to stay barefoot. He has to ask her for permission to take on his shoes once he wants to or needs to. I like that idea. It´s actually pretty harmless. Won`t kill him. However, that way he will always be remembered that she is in charge. 

Many of you don`t like the idea of being sent to bed early. It sucks? Good! It is supposed to do just that. Makes it even more interesting to me. There is no need for you to like it. I might resort to it anyway. I might tell you that it is time for you to go to bed right away. And in that case you have two options: Do it without much fuss. Or don`t do it , get a spanking that makes you understand that you are supposed to do as I told you, and go to bed right after the spanking with a sore bottom on top of it...

For me, there is no need for a link between punishment and sex. I will make sure that within the realtionship all the needs of my partner are fulfilled as much as possible. But this does not mean punishment and sex should be considered to be the same. With me, they are not.   

The spankings I am talking about are different from others you see on the Internet. They have nothing to do with sex. They have to do with real spankings. Spankings that teach real lessons and make you improve your behavior.

Here is another thought I just had: Generally, I want to give my partner the feeling that he is cared for. That he can rely on me. That he can trust me. And sometimes, especially for men, that message is hard to accept. Being strict and no-nonsense and not wavering in administering punishments might be a means of showing the man that I mean what I am saying.

Talk can only help so much in making a man understand that he is actually cared for. But punishments, in connection with the intense feeling of humiliation are a sure way of reaching his soul. Therefore: a humiliating punishment, followed by a very long aftercare might be just the right thing to make him understand that I will stay by his side...   

Monday, November 8, 2010


This post is about my feelings. I do not claim to have all wisdom here. I am just trying to explain my point of view!

It´s quite difficult for me to write about humiliation... Seems to trigger a lot of feelings in me. The cuckolding post was a piece of cake to write compared to the "humiliation" one. As I said, cuckolding does nothing for me. But "humiliation" is a trigger word indeed.

I do not want to be humiliated myself. I have no cravings at all to be the center of any humiliation... 

Over the last months I understood, that "my man"  is the only man in the world who I would ever submit to a spanking for. (Only theoretically speaking...).I have never been spanked myself. And in theory, I think it is not so much the "pain factor" that is preventing me from wanting to experience it, but much more the "humiliation aspect".  The spanking, as far as me getting one is concerned, and I am saying that in a very topping from the bottom kind of way, should not be administered in a humiliating way at all. Being humiliated, I think I would break down indeed. I am afraid that´s the truth...

Even just thinking of my man doing anything that could humiliate me gives me watery eyes right away. And not in a good way, believe me ...I am very lucky that it is just not his modus operandi. I am very thankful for that. There has never been a situation ever when he has treated me in a way that is linked to the word "humiliation" in any regard at all. Never.

When I was at his place, there happened one incident, when I really messed up! I won`t go too much  into details here, but I was surfing the Internet and I did not pay attention to a pet. I still do not know how that could happen... Anyway, the pet went missing and my man was as concerned as one can possibly be. And rightfully so! If he had ever had a reason for being really angry with me, it was on that day.

However, he did nothing to make me feel bad. He stayed as calm as possible, did not reproach me at all.He asked me a couple of necessary questions in order to understand what has happened, and then he just went out in the dark and tried to find  the pet and find a solution to the problems I had caused. He solved all problems- hey, he is a great guy...-and even afterwards he did not tell me how negligent I have been. Did I mention that I am really thankful that he acted that calm... :-)

If he had done anything to humiliate me, I would have cried right away and probably overreacted in a not good way. Like, I don`t know, just feeling unworthy and terrible and devastated... If he, (for the sake of the argument...), would have told me to go to bed right away, or if he had told me to go write some lines, or if he had given me a spanking , it would not have done me any good at all. Just the opposite. It would have made things much worse.

You have to understand,  in my mind, it does not matter if  the person who would humiliate me loves me or not. The reasons why he would be doing it would not matter either. In a way, if it would be done by somebody who is dear to my heart, it would be even harder emotionally. Again: harder not in a good way...

I think, humiliation is only  not a destructive thing, if the person administering it is in fact the "weaker" one. And with me and "my man", even though I am the dominant one, he is in fact the stronger one. He is somebody  I can look up to.  I am admiring him for so many things.I have asked him for his advice many times and he has always given good advice. He is older, more experienced, smarter and even taller than I am.

And he is giving me the wonderful gift of submitting to me. I think he does not really understand how much he is actually giving me...

Having said all that, I still believe in "humiliating" a man myself. Does not sound fair, I know...

I have done quite a few things to a man that can be considered humiliating indeed. I have sent a man to a corner, made a man write lines for me, I have used orgasm denial in order to make an impression and I have given a man a spanking.Just to name a few...And to tell you the truth, I think I will not hesitate to do all these things again in the future.

I said right from the start, right from opening my blog, that I am searching a strong man. And many strong men have written to me. And for them, it seems as if "being humiliated in a domestic discipline setting" is not something that will be as harmful as it is to me. I dont know, it´s all difficult...

Here is what works for me in order to find the humiliation of a man attractive.And again: I am only talking about humiliating a man in a dd setting. ...

It has to be a strong man, a powerful man.
He needs to have messed up in a big way.
He needs to know that he is deserving a punishment indeed.
The humiliation needs to teach him a valuable lesson.
The humiliating act needs to be something that is very hard for him to stomach.
She needs to be interested in helping him, rather than harming him
There has to be an understanding between her and him that things will be good again later.
She needs to be willing to comfort him afterwards for as long as he needs her to do that.

It is all still very rough in my mind... will think about it and maybe write about it again.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I am not a fan of cuckolding. However, if you wanna do it in your relationship or if you are doing it and having fun: good for you. Fine with me. I am not the one to tell you how to lead your life. I am not (yet...) a televangelist :-)

I am just sharing my feelings here. In MY (!) opinion cuckolding is the opposite of what I truly want. In my understanding and in my way of thinking, it is not a cool thing.

First of all, sex is not what I am most interested at. Me, personally, I know that I can "survive" a very long time with masturbating only. Might be different for you, ok, but I just know I can. There are other things I am searching and hoping for and craving. I am interested in honest talks, in sound feelings, in deep emotions, in sharing my life with my partner, in supporting each other, in being unguarded around my man. I want a feeling of security, the feeling of belonging to a man.

Secondly: I understand the reasoning of men who want to submit to their woman in all aspects of life. And cuckolding seems to be the most significant, the ultimate way of showing submission. But the question that comes to my mind is: Where is the appeal for the woman? "Submission" is linked to the wants and needs of the dominant partner. But why would she want to have an extra lover besides the man/husband/boyfriend she truly loves and cares for?

That question gets even more important in a domestic discipline relationship...In a dd relationship the man strives to make the woman satisfied and happy anyway. And the woman gets turned on by him doing just that. So why should she hand over the sexual part of "making her happy" to another man but not the husband?

I have had many talks with women. And we talk about everything....And NOT ONCE has a woman told me that she is unsatisfied with the "general" performance of her man in bed. Of course, there is good sex and bad sex. I know that, sure. And it has happened that women have complained to me about the fact that the sex with the boyfriend is not good because he is not paying attention to her needs. And in very general terms: if the sex is bad, if there is no sex at all or if it does not click in the bedroom, in that case the two people should really consider, if they should stay together at all...

As far as I can tell, from a female point of view, bad sex is in most cases linked to a relationship problem. I doubt that there are many cases out there where the man is really physically not able to "perform" and make her sexually happy, and therefore the woman feels the need to get satisfaction from a "bull". And even that idea seems pretty theoretical. Because in my experience, real loving women are willing to stick to their men in all kind of difficult situations..

Assuming that both partners do get along, love and care for each other, why would SHE want to have an added lover? There are so many ways for a man to make a woman happy and satisfied, and the size of the penis is not a relevant factor in that regard at all. Far from it.

From my point of view, there are other ways for men to submit to their woman. Things women just like, but doing these things might feel like submitting from a mens point of view :-)

With me, these things might be for instance:
-going to church with me
-not feeling bothered by the fact that I will end many conversations due to the fact that my grandma needs me
-sharing your feelings with me
-watching below average TV shows with me
-accepting that I might overwhelm you sometimes with my ideas

I think you get what I am talking about.... This is not "hot stuff" per se,  but it is a sure way of making me hot. And once a man does all that I want to have a good sexual relationship with him as well. Thats a given!

So now from my point of view:

Why would I want to prevent my man from having sex with me, only to meet another man and do it with him? Think about it: If I have a man who is willing to submit to me, who does all the hot and not so hot things for me to make me happy. A man I developed a strong emotional link to. Why should I not allow him to have sex with me only to have it with a man who is FAR from having the same high emotional status? As a woman, it is not difficult to find a man to have sex with him. The difficult thing is to find a man who is the right one for a special  emotional relationship. So assuming that the emotional relationship is good and the "lust" is there, why should one add another man?

Does not make sense to me.

Just my two cents...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

that `s good!

My grandma, she is the coolest ever!  I love her so much. The whole family does. Right now, my almost 30 yo brother is napping in her bed...

This morning, while making scrambled eggs and thinking of my man I said to her:

Grandma, "my man" wrote me tonight. I am happy!

She suffers from dementia, therefore she forgets a lot.
She replied: Have you already met him or do you know him through the Internet only?

I said: Hey, I saw him, touched him and kissed him.

She asked: Have you done even more with him?

Me: Yes, I have.

She smiled at me and only said: that`s good!

Friday, November 5, 2010

market value

Before opening my internet blog, I have not been big in the man`s world. Hard to imagine, I know ;-)
It is a strange thing.. I always wanted to have a real man, not a boy..and I always liked americans.
And I was never willing to compromise in order to have "a" man at all.

In the past, I sometimes missed having a man in my life, I complained a lot about being single, but to tell you the truth, I was doing pretty good as a single girl.  And I am using the term "girl" here for a reason...
I felt like a girl. I might have been a business woman, and might have already had my own law firm, but in a way, I still saw myself as a girl, acted like a girl and felt like a girl.

But suddenly, this year, without me consciously doing anything differently, my whole life got turned around. The girl is nowhere to be seen and a woman arose.

I have a very good male friend, Paul. He is about 60 years old. I know him since I was 14 years old and since I was the babysitter of his two sons...At the time he was married to a beautiful, blond, tall , smart and slim woman. When his marriage broke down, me and my family tended to be at the wifes side, because he was the one who had been cheating on his wife...

After a couple of years, when the wife still was not able to get emotionally over the divorce, when the two sons were having big troubles with the fact that they had no relationship at all with their dad, when he had long ago moved from my small town to the big city and when the whole situation was a mess, I started praying for them all. For many months, whenever I had a moment of time, I spoke a prayer for them. I did not tell anybody about my prayers. I just felt the need to do it. I could not stand the idea that the family, that had been so close to me and had almost been "family" to me, was actually destroying themselves.

I had lost contact to Paul and had not seen him for some years, when one day, at the train station in the big city, I suddenly met him again. The train doors opened, I wanted to get in, and Paul stood right in front of me. He was about to exit the very same train that I was about to enter... I remember, as soon as I recognized him I screamed: "Paul"!!!

Looking back, he might not even have recognized me right away. I am pretty sure he had not thought of me too much in the years we had not seen each other. But for me, with my background of prayers for him and his ex-family, he had been one of the most important people in my life. We only exchanged telephone numbers and parted right away.

A couple of days later he came to see me in the city where I lived at that time. We went to an ice cream place, I asked him a few questions and he started talking and talkig and talking...It was the first time after many years that he had the chance to explain his side of the story to a "represenative  of the other side". I am pretty sure that`s what he considered me to be...He was so full of hate, full of anger... He told me if he would see his ex-wife passing away in the streets, he would just walk away...he would not help her, maybe even give her a kick...

I did what I am best at. I listened,and talked, and listened and made him think...He started to call me regularly and we became very close friends. I told the ex-wife about it and asked her, if she would be ok with it. She said yes, even though she was not... I looked very good at the time, had lost enormous weight, and soon she thought him and I , we were an item.
Which we were not. ...

Some time later I got the chance of  working in the US. He came to visit me, and we spent many nights together in one room. I just trusted him. I still do. But he NEVER approached me sexually. I think he did not even see me as a woman. I was just "Tina". The friend. The person to talk to.

Since then we spent a lot of time together. We have even been together in the sauna many times -And to all you unknowning americans out there: Europeans don`t wear a bathing suit in the sauna. It has to be done fully nude! :-)

I have been talking with Paul today. I told him about my plans to travel to the US and to my man soon again. And suddenly he said: "Tina, your man, he is quite a bit older than you are. So you could have chosen me in the first place..." In the last 15 years, he had not once indicated to be interested in me. And now, as soon as he hears how happy I am with another man, he starts flirting with me , calls me "my princess" and is sweet as never before... I cut him off right away. I was very clear and he got my message. Not hard to understand: NO!

But the question remains:
I just don`t get it.
Why is it, that as soon as there is a man in my life my market value goes way up?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sir Yes Sir!

It even makes sense that perhaps many women have been reluctant to accept the lead and adopt this lifestyle simply due to the enormous pressure of the implied perfection required to assume such an authoritative role? 

Monday, November 1, 2010

dd and the female body

The good news is: I am writing on my thesis like crazy. I am making progress indeed!
The bad news is: Since starting to work on it I eat constantly. I just can not work on my thesis and not eat, lol, really. That is an impossible thing to do.

DD had helped me so much to get over all body issues I had, and now I am destroying everything again....

I was supposed to run the marine corps marathon yesterday. But did not do it because I will fly to see "my man" in a few weeks again.

I had a conversation about my body with my mom the other day and I basically told her: "We (as a family) have two options: me slim and just a lawyer or me big and a "Dr." on my name".

Without hesitating she went for dick (german term for "big",) and doctor...

Ok, ok, maybe I should not have discussed that with my mother, but with "my man" ... lol, sorry :-)

But: two things as far as he is concerned, well three actually:
First of all: he is a VERY private person. No chance for me to write about him.
He is absolutely supportive as far as me finishing my thesis goes. In a way I am writing it for him as much as for my "german" family.
Basically: I have no chance to ask him for his opinion on my body these days. Even though, I just realise the fact that he could say: "Tina... please stop eating" worries me quite a bit...

Anyway, my points are:

Through dd I  got the chance of feeling much  better in my body. It might be because the "market" is much smaller for the men as it is in the "vanilla world" and I developed an attitude of:
well, if YOU don`t like it/me, there are already 10 men waiting in line to get me

In a dd oriented relationship- at least from a female point of view, don`t know if the men agree with me- the body is not the most relevant factor. There is so much more a woman can give to the man than "just" her body. In fact, I think if the woman does have no brain, there is no chance to establish such a cool dd relationship as lets say the new internet dream couple B and serving B are having :-)

I know, men are picture oriented, but in a way, I can not believe that so much depends on the woman having size 0 or not. It is interesting to see, what kind of pictures wdspoone posts. He does not pay attention -as far as I can tell- if the woman is small or big. As long as the "scene" on the picture is hot, he seems to  post it. And from the many comments it seems as if  most men do not pay attention to it too much either.

I might be totally wrong here

OnHerKnee said...I would be a liar if I said I didn't find a small female bottom in a tight pair of jeans attractive.
 Ok, I get that. Its the same for me. I like a good male body.
The question however is:
Is it a "conditio sine qua non" for being in a relationship or starting a relationship?
For me, it does not really matter. As long as the emotional bond is strong enough, I don`t care about his body too much.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

"you are my goddess"?

I often read in femdom blogs that men refer to their woman as "goddess". To me, being called goddess does have no appeal at all. And this is not (only) linked to my christian believes, according to which there is no "goddess" anyway. For me it is important that I am having a REAL relationship. Not a projection of hot fantasies or a pipe dream. I want to be seen by my partner as the woman I am. I want to be acknowledged for who I am. And I am no goddess. I have my faults and flawns. No doubt about that.

I am not allmighty. I wish I would be... and sometimes I might even think I am just that. But then reality kicks in very hard and makes me realise that my power is limited indeed. I do not always have a solution to everything. I am trying as hard as I can to get along in life. And sometimes I am as hopeless as one can possible be. The idea of having a partner who would think of me as a "goddess" is not helpful at all in such situations.

There are enough situations in my life in which I feel vulnerable, little and needy. Just not "goddess" -like at all. In these situations I want to be able to show the important people in my life, especially my partner, my true despair.

And, according to my dictionary, there are all kinds of goddesses in the English language. Goddess of luck, goddess of war, mother goddess... you name it, but as far as I can tell there is just no goddess of despair...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

spanking is not really the core of it

I have been wanting to write a post like this for a long time. However, it showed to be a very difficult thing to do. It looks as if it was so difficult because it focuses on the center of my domestic discipline cravings. As well as on the center of who I am and what I am searching for in my life.

As for some background:
In the past, I did not always have responsible adults taking good care of me. From an early age on, I had to be responsible and sound myself. It is not as if my youth would have been terrible, but I got a few very hard hits while growing up. The men in my family were just not able to be there for me as much as I would have loved for them to be there for me. I have not had the feeling of having a powerful, loving and strong man having my six.

I saw a friend today. He is an expert in physiognomy and he told me that the features of my face would radiate something like: "Come to me. Talk to me. Let me give you a hug. Don`t be afraid. Even if the world is a difficult place to be in, I will be there for you."
And sorry, nope, I won`t post a picture of my face. I still have hopes of becoming one of the top lawyers in Germany one day and having my face published in my blog here would definitely not be helpful in reaching that goal... :-)
I do not know if my friend is right about the physiognomy aspect or if it is just balony, but the way he sees me is exactly the way I see myself walking through life. I am usually good in caring and comforting. "People "  and "feelings" are what I am most interested in life. I think due to the fac that I did not have a loving, strong and reliable authority figure in my life, I decided to be such a person for other people. I think I want to give them what I am craving most.

For me, domestic discipline is not all about spankings. Spankings are just one way of enableing me to make my point. They are a good means of showing the partner in uncertain ways that his behaviour is not acceptable, that he needs an attitude adjustment, that he better gets his act together, that I am not pleased. And, as has been stated many times before, spankings are a good way of providing the man with the feeling of being out of control, letting go of all responsibility and getting a clean slate again.

But there is a lot more under the surface. In my opinion, a man who is submitting to a woman for a spanking is devoting himself to the woman similar to a woman devoting herself to the man during sexual intercourse.

A lot has been written about how men feel about getting a spanking. About how effective it can be, about how a spanking can make him "a better man and a better partner". And in my opinion these assessments are all true. However, spankings are not the most relevant aspects in a relationship.

For me, it is much more of creating an atmosphere in which both partners feel safe and loved. An atmosphere  with clear rules and boundaries. An atmosphere in which trust, understanding, respect, belonging and love are prevailing.

I just recently found the following song on youtube, and I am stunned by the way it expresses exactly what I am feeling as far as any relationship with a man is concerned: For all of you familiar with the tv show ncis: this clip is even better. Gibbs is like the archetype of the man I have been looking for. (Hey, come on.., I am a girl after all, let me have my dreams).

I would never actually force my man to anything. Never. I am  too independent in life and too used to live without a partner and too used to solve my problems alone. In a way I am just inviting him to spend his life with me. I am offering my true love but the ultimate decision is his, as hard as it it might be for me to accept his answer.

I read Tom`s blog today and there was one statement who made me understand once more why I am attracted to spankings but not so much to bondage: the man has to stay in position by his own will alone. He could get up and walk away easily, but he chooses by his own will not to do that. And the message he is sending to his lady by doing that is powerful. As a woman, I love the idea that he is enduring something for me. Even though it might hurt him like crazy. And even though he does not enjoy being in that position right now.

Tom writes:  "The fact that he never totally breaks his position and even resumes the more exposing version speaks volumes to the compliance men like myself extend to our dominant women."And a reader adds: "I know for sure how that hurts, and yet he remains in position. The mystery of the submissive man I suppose."

Maybe the reason for the men to stay in position and to accept the spanking is pretty similar to the reasons why I feel attracted to spankings. I assume both for women and men it is not actually about the spanking but about the feeling of having a partner who cares. A partner who is interested in my well-being. A person who loves me enough to teach me right from wrong. A person who is willing to stick with me, even at times when I don`t deserve it.

Spankings seem to be the perfect way of telling the partner these things without actually speaking about it. For men, submitting to corporal discipline to a woman in real life is a BIG deal. It is not something easy to do.  And, as you all know, probably even better than I do :-), spanking a man is not something that comes easily to most women.

It is against all social laws and rules in society for either a man to submit or for a woman to be dominant. The fact that both partner do these things with each other in the relationship is a very strong indication that both man and woman think the reationship-and thus the partner- is special.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I need to be careful

I have been at church on sunday. Seriously, I wanted to pray and talk with God, nothing more. The sermon was boring and did not really touch my heart. Therefore I went to the coffee place on the church campus and started reading, when a woman I do not like very much came to me and started talking to me.

She was very worried about a female friend and said:. "Tina, you are a lawyer. I want to ask you a question." And btw. I hate it when people do that. Why do they think me being a lawyer means I would be obligated to answer all their damn legal or/and emotional questions...

I asked what the problem was and she said:
my neighbour, she can be seen in some porn video clips on the internet.

And me: I was all like: ok, and where is the problem? (lol, really...)
You have to keep in mind, that I saw hundreds of clips and pictures in the last months. Some of it I liked, and some of it were just not my cup of tea or boring. But in order to get to know me and my sexuality better, I had an open mind and watched tons of it. Porn of all kind, FF/ MM/ MF/ FM/ MMF/ FFM but mostly femdom. Because, in case you did not know, femdom is what I like best :-)

And she continued: I watched the videos many times
(me thinking: why on earth would you do that...)
she: they are so terrible, it is so disgusting
(me thinking: ok, so don`t watch it...)
she: in some of the videos she is to be seen together with her husband
(me thinking and actually saying: maybe the both of them get turned on by it...)
she: but they have a daughter
me: so what?
she: what if the kid gets molested?
me: hello, pornography between consenting adults does not mean the kid gets treated inappropriately...
she: and in some clips she did even kiss a woman, one could only see two women doing "things"
me: so what?
she: but at least I have been able to safe everything on my computer, because my neighbour, she and her husband tried to remove everything from the internet.
me: why did you safe it?
she: to have proof. Because I spoke with them about it and they said somebody else put it on the internet. But with the things I copied and safed, there is evidence enough that they uploaded it themselves.
Me thinking: isn`t it great to have so caring and thoughtful neighbours...

In the end she wanted to know where in my city the woman could turn to get help. I gave her some information about the police and a safe house for women.........

The conversation  lasted about 15 minutes. And afterwards I realised two things:

I can not be thankful enough for having found "our" small internet community here.
I can not be careful enough with my vanilla friends and acquaintances... they would NEVER understand what we are talking about in our FM blogs...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

my shrink and my thesis

I did see my shrink yesterday. He is a really smart man, about 60 years old. He has seen almost everything you can think of as far as trauma, drama and emotional problems are concerned. If I had to tell you one person on this planet who is not judgmental at all, I would say it is him.

And, as it is his job, he really made me thinking. We were discussing the neverending drama of  "Tina -not- finishing her legal thesis". He is telling me constantely, as careful as possible and for months, that I should finish the thesis somehow. And I do agree with him. The sad thing with my thesis is, that I did actually work hard on it. I did put in a lot of effort, time, dedication and not to forget money. I have been working on it for 3 years.I wrote fucking 200 pages on a tricky legal subject, just to have my law professor tell me in the end, that one chapter, about 50 pages, are really not good enough and that they needed to be fully redone.

This has happened in March/April and since then I have been trying to force myself to get over the harsh critique and start rewriting that damn crazy chapter. But did I do it? NOPE!  Since then, I opened an internet blog on domestic discipline, I had the chance of talking with men from all over the world about really private things, not to forget: I did find a really fantastic man in the United States...but did I find the courage to finish the damn thesis? NOPE again!

I have been trying many different approaches in finishing the paper. But I just can not make myself working on it again. The feeling of "you are not good enough" still freezes me as far as the thesis is concerned. And now, to make things worse, it seems to be a matter of me not having the "enormous" amount of 5oo € to pay for my semester fee at the university, to keep my student status. But I am reluctant to throw good money after bad. Sigh, anyway...

During our talk, the shrink said to me: "you should bring your thesis to an end somehow. Can`t you use your female power in "influencing" the prof?"   He seems to think that there are many unused resources...

And my answer was: NOOOOOOOOOO, I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO DO THAT. (And imagine me saying that very emotionally and with a cracking voice , lol.)

I know, there are women out there who do just that. Women who just know how to manipulate men into doing things for them. My stepdad for instance does have a male friend, who wrote a whole damn thesis for his girlfriend. I do have female friends myself who can "play" men as good as Lang Lang can play piano. Women who turn mens head easily, who just know how to wrap men around their fingers.

Heck, aren´t I supposed to be able to do just that too?

My point is, I just do not know how to play the "female" card. It is just not my modus operandi. For instance: The last time I did see my prof  I have been wearing a marines corps pullover and jeans. At the university I  usually do not want to draw attention to the fact that I am a woman. I think it should not matter. In a way, I do not WANT to resort to female weapons. And since I did not want to use these means, I never really learned how to use them if need be...

Only VERY,very seldom do I take advantage out of the fact that my opponent is male and I am female. I  did  that in a conversation in the States, a few weeks ago, but the situation had been extraordinary. Due to "my man" and due to the good time I had been having with him, I had been aware of my feminine side much more than ever before in my life. So I was not really "playing" anything, and I was not manipulating at all. I had just felt so feminine and invincible like never before.

On the other hand, if I  really want to, I can "read" men and understand men like not many woman can. According to my shrink, I do have a very fine grasp of men and how they tick. He is convinced that I do have a knack for "opening" people, especially men, emotionally. He thinks that I am extraordinary perceptive.
I think: I just do have a very good intuition and a real interest in human beings. It is something that comes very natural to me.

Thinking about these things, I realised that I can only use these special abilities in order to help people/men.
But as soon as I want to use it in order to get help, it does not work at all. It is very strange. And I do not know why it is like that.

Don`t get me wrong. I am not trying to paint a colorful picture of the "holy Tina" who is always there for others. It´s actually just the opposite. If I could, I would probably capitalize my abilities as much as possible for my own advantage. However, I just realised that I am not doing that precisely because - for some unknown reasons- I can not do that.

Friday, October 15, 2010

friday blues

It´s friday night here in Germany. I am feeling sad.

I would love to chat with a certain man in the US, but it seems like I am heming him in (?--- I do not even know the english term...I am pretty sure I have never done such a thing before in my whole life. But then, I have never been so interested in one man before either...)

I do not want to spoil all your  hot fantasies, but even a dominant woman does not know all the time what to do.

He did not say it explicitely, but my gut feeling tells me he would want for me to shut up for a little while. Give him some space. And in a way I do understand him. Both him and me are dealing with pressing real life problems.

But ME, I just would love to hear his voice, laugh with him, talk with him. This does ALWAYS make me happy.  I think he just does not realise how much even a short email from him would mean to me right now.

And, as much as I love to push a man, I would never push him towards me.

Ahhh, I am just at a loss  

Thursday, October 7, 2010

bad boy or good guy?

What do women who want DD really enjoy/want: A man who needs disciplining because he is wayward, or an obedient husband who does not?
Scally did ask me that question and I have to admit, I had never thought about it before. And - as always with personal questions within a domestic discipline context- there is not an easy answer. But I will try my best to share my feelings with you.

To be quite frankly, I am not interested in bad boys. I never fell for these kind of men. I might represent them in court, fight for them in private or business life and stand up for them, even in front of my friends and even when others might not do that... But in my private life, I need a tranquility which these men would not provide.

One man, an old friend from school, courted me a couple of years ago. He was really nice to me. But: He was also intending to become a member of (He did not follow through with his plans, he is not and has never been part of that club. ) And even though he is somehow still in my life today, as a friend only, there was no way for me to get involved with him. Even though I had been pretty sad at the time, because I had no boyfriend and I felt really lonely, I never even considered changing his status from "friend" to anything more. Because he was just not what I have been looking for.

I am far more attracted by the good guys. Smart men, reliable men, men who make me laugh, men who are not afraid of entering an exclusive relationship with a woman. I am attracted by men who calm me down when I am afraid. I do not need a man in order to have more action in my life. I am very able of creating enough adventures and challenges in my life myself. So I do not want to worry about my man as far as him making something REALLY stupid goes. I need to have the certainty, that come hell or high waters, the man I am having a relationship with is a good, loving, trustworthy, caring and thoughtful man.  

Generally speaking:  On my search for my man, I have been looking for the whole deal. If I had written a wish list, I might have marked down something like:

I want a  man...
  • who is taking good care of me.
  • who is smarter than I am. 
  • who shares my values.
  • who has got a good emotional intelligence.
  • who has similar belives as I have.
  • who is able to give me room to grow myself.
  • who is honest, reliable and trustworthy. 
  • who does not believe in violence but in talk.
  • who is worthy of my overflowing love.

So, again, I am definitely interested in the good guys. All my following explanations are made in relation to the "good" men.

In order to fulfill all these requirements, "the " man has to be decent, respectable and fair. Any "bad boy" would just not match my profile. Having said that, this does not mean that I have been looking for Mr. Perfect. Nobody is perfect. We are allowed to make mistakes in life. And we all make mistakes.That`s ok. That is just the way it is and we better accept it.  So there will always be enough real reasons for a dominant woman to punish a submissive man.

I am not expecting a man to be my slave. I don`t expect him to be observant and obedient all the time. I am not willing and not able to be in dominant mood 24/7 either. For me it is imortant to have a partner who is on a par with me. So there will definitely be times when I give the man some slack. For me, the knowledge that he is generally willing to submit to my authority, and the knowledge that I could make him do or not do something right away, carries a lot of meaning. I do not aways need to actually follow through with it. This does not mean I would make empty threats. I am quite sure I don `t do that. It only means that it gives me the chance to watch a certain situation or a certain behavior of his with a freeing calmness. Because I do know all the time that if things get worse I can just intervene and stop it. However, once I made a decision to actually intervene, I am expecting the man to be obedient and to stop it.

I once scolded a man. I do not even remember why, it can not have been for something too serious. Anyway, I think I said something like: "I should punish you right away". And suddenly, for me fully unexpected, he asked me: "Can I please get a warning only?"  I got to tell you, for a moment I had been pretty much speechless. Because the way he had been asking me was so pure, so inocent, so undiluted... He had basically signaled me: "I know I have been wrong. I will accept whatever you are deciding. I recognise your authority. You are the one in charge...."  I can tell you, his demeanor went right in my heart and in my soul. And yes, I only gave him a warning at that time ...

I am not obsessed with disciplining a man. I am not hesitating to do it, but I do not actually "need" it to feel good. Even though I got to say, the dd concept and the possibilities it does bring for the woman do feel right for me. And I doubt that I could have such a deep and meaningfull relationship with any man who is not into domestic discipline. Personally, for me, the fact that a man is submitting to my authority, even on a corporal level, is the utimate proof that he is trusting me, caring about me and wanting to make things good with me. It shows that he is valueing my opinion, that he is respecting me and that he belives in my ability of taking good care of him.

For me, the element of discipline in a relationship is a lot about helping and guiding. If he is doing fine, why should I intervene and discipline him? I would not make up an excuse for administering any discipline. I have never done that. Either he screws up and gets a real punishment or he is behaving and gets a reward.

If his attitude is good, there is no doubt that I will do my best to make sure that he is getting whatever he might crave. My main goal is to have a happy relationship. So if he wants some playful bdsm games, that `s ok for me. I think I am pretty open about what I want from him too.

As I said, if I should feel that a punishment is in order, I might just administer it.
What I don`t want to have, I think, is bratting. I don`t want to be manipulated into giving a spanking or handing out punishments. I expect a man to let me know if he is having some needs that I, for some reasons, am not recognising. He needs or wants a spanking? He better just tell me...I do not want to guess all the time what`s going on within his mind. I know, this is a pretty difficult thing to do. Bratting seems to be the easier way for a man to get a spanking in order to relax. But this is not what makes me happy. I want a relationship were the partners are not afraid of talking about what they want or crave.

Hey, and don`t say: "ahhh, thats a too difficult demand" ... In my whole blog I have not once claimed not to have high expectations as far as any man in my life is concerned.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Today Germany is celebrating "Erntedank" which is like Thanksgiving, but without the turkey :-) And I want to remind you all that today, 20 years ago, Germany got reunited. Pretty unbelivable that the peaceful revolution actually took place and that despite all the challenges and problems the Germans are one nation again.

image courtesy of:

On the personal front, there is much that I can be thankful for. And much of it is linked to this blog and to the people who wrote to me.

Thank you very much to all of you who accompagnied me on my way into "finding myself " and on my way into exploring domestic discipline.  You have all been a source of true inspiration and hope!
May you all find "the one", the one person who loves you just the way you are.You all deserve it.

The fact that I , through this blog, did actually find "my man" is still mind-blowing. I will fly to the US again in November. This time I did even ask him if it is ok for him if I come to see him. Remember, last time I just did book a flight without telling him...

There is still a lot going on in my life, but due to the fact that my private life got much better, I somehow developped a better attitude as far as my job goes. Money is still tight, but for the first time since becoming a lawyer I am sure that I want to continue to work in the legal business. Which is a BIG progress. The decision to stay a lawyer is made and I am sure that it is the right thing to do. So my "wavering" as far as my career goes has finally come to an end.  The "thesis issue" still hurts, but I guess one can not have it all in life. And I would always choose a happy private life over an academic career.

I just had to think of the following song. I am not sure if I like this singer or if I want to kick his butt in a not dd related way, well, I tend to wanna do the latter, lol, but at least he is entertaining. However, the song is good. Makes me smile. I am not on any proselytization mission, if you would ask my pastor, he would tell you that I am far from being a christian missionary  :-). Its just that the song came to my mind. So just skip the link if you are atheist or not interested in anything christian. I promise, I will not write about christian things in the next post. The "God " subject is keeping me busy because my life has changed lately in ways I would have never imagined. And I truely believe that God is the one responsible for it...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

good sons

I did some deep soul searching lately. About what I want in life and about who I want to share my life with. As a byproduct, I kind of developped a theory as far as submissive men are concerened.

Note: I am only talking about submissive men who are (more or less) interested in the kind of loving domestic discipline relationship I am describing in my blog.   

Since I started all the debate about the biblical "prodigal son" likeness, let me explain my theory on the basis of that story. Even though it might not always match 100%. But since this is not my thesis, I am the one who can decide what to write and how to phrase it. I so like that feeling ! My (now former...) law professor is actually the only man these days who is able to make me "freeze" with fear. Even thinking about him makes me uncomfortable. With him, my dominant personality is almost invisible.  And: I do realise that we are all much more than "just" the older son or "just" the lost one.

Being in a loving domestic discipline relationship is complex. It is about love and being loved, about  boundaries and freedom, about holding and being held, about letting go and taking responsibility. And it is about trusting the partner enough to show him/her the most vulnerable side of the own personality. Men can have sex with a woman without caring about her. And women can sleep with a man, even if they don `t really want to. But one can not have a loving domestic discipline relationship without actually loving the partner. It is about much more than having made a mistake and therefore craving punishment and forgiveness. It is about much more than mechanically spanking a butt.

In my opinion, men who are interested in that kind of lifestyle tend to be a lot like the good/older son. Even though it is the prodigal son who seems to be more interesting from a discipline point of view, because it is him who messes up and then asks his father for forgiveness, I think the traits of the brother, the older son, are more dominant in submissive men.

Messing up big way, like the prodigal son did, and then, only when all hope is gone, asking the father for help and forgiveness, and even accept punishment, is not something extraordinary. It `s just a means of surviving in a difficult situation. The options are simple:
  • The prodigal son could have stayed where he was and starve to death 
  • go back to his fathers place, humble himself and in exchange of the humbling and embarrassement and even possible punishment: survive. 
So assuming the prodigal son did not have any suicidal thoughts, going back to his dad was the only logical thing to do. The pressure just had to be high enough for the son to understand that he can not make it alone any longer. Then he decided to go back in order to live. 

However, what submissive men in a domestic discipline relationship are doing is different. They are trying to be good husbands or boyfriends, they are wanting to be there for their lady in the first place. Generally speaking, they are not running away from home and responsibility in order to spend money or just having fun. Their intention is to try to build a foundation of reliabilty, trust and steadiness. And this is something most women love and would love to have to. Like the older son in the likeness is always there for his father, they want to be there for a woman. Stay with her, even when things are difficult, hard or just boring. It can not have been fun for the older son to live with his father, to dilligently work for him, while the younger brother travels the world, spends money and is enjoying himself. And still, the older brother did not waver and never stoped being there for the father.

My impression is, that submissive men are not lightly giving up a relationship with a woman in times of troubles and problems. Even though relationships do break up, even dd relationships.We all know that. But to me, it feels as if these men do have a special sense of responsibility. Running away is not something that these people usually do. Not from a partnership and not from challenges.

To stay in the biblical context: assuming that we are all sinners, and that there is no way for any human being not to mess up once in a while at least, there is no doubt that -even with the best intentions- even the good sons do not act appropriately or "behave" all the time. That `s just the way it is. You might try as hard as you can, but while being on earth you will screw up sometimes.

But here comes the unusual thing:
A man in a domestic discipline relationship does not try to hide between the fact that he has generally been good and only made an error of judgment "this time".
Ok,ok, he might bring it up in order to persuade the lady to not punish him as severly as she might do....but both partners do know, that the final decision is in the ladys hand and that he is going to accept whatever punishment she chooses. And the man will submit to his lady, even though  he might no like her decision at all.
But while the prodigal son did have a good reason to face his father and any possible punishment, namely: not to starve, the situation for men in a dd relationship is different.

There is no real external reason for a man to submit to a womans punishment. It is not even something he can brag about in public. Vanilla friends most of the time do just not understand what is going on within a domestic discipine relationship.If they hear about it, there is always the danger of being the center of stupid comments and/or inappropriate jokes. So dd  has to happen in the privacy of the relationship. Being disciplined by a woman and wanting the woman to take the lead in the relationship is something that is not linked to other people. A man might tell his friends if he had sex with two women or if he cheated on his wife. It might even be ok for him to tell friends about some bdsm experiences with a paid woman in a brothel. But in my experience,  it `s a totally different thing to speak openly about any real punishments from his own lady. Domestic discipline seems to be just a too intimate thing between the woman and the man. My guess is, it is because both the woman and the man in such a relationship do show each other the raw feelings. In a way it is a very serious thing, even though the partners might use a playful approach to it.

If the man does not generally agree to be punished, there is not much the woman can actually do to punish him. Especially in times when it is very easy to break up a relationship. He can always leave, replace the woman with another woman. The reason for him to stay in the relationship and accept the womans authority has to be intrinsic. And I think it takes a very strong and responsible man to actually see the need to pay for his screw ups.Wanting to make amends for failures does not come easily for many men. So if you are feeling the need for it, it says a lot about you and your sense of justice. And if you are weired that way, you have a lot to offer for the right woman.

And as far as the biblical story goes:
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
 31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

Did you realise that the older son, even though he did not agree with his fathers decision, and even though he became angry, did still not run away? He talks about his feelings when he is upset, chooses a direct approach to address his concerns, seems to be not afraid of the fathers reaction. There seems to be a strong bond of trust between them. And then, he just listens to the fathers word, accepts his authority.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

an item of written comment

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post. I do realise that the question was of such a kind, that for many of you it was not easy to come up with a definite answer. However, I have been interested in your "gut feeling".

As promised, here me thoughts on what you wrote:

Rachel: NO because I am the female child not the favored one. aj had an older brother and was not an athlete but just a nice guy.
For me, the fact that it is a story about men only is pretty much irrelevant. It is a strange thing, and I know that many of you might not agree with me here, but in my life, it does not matter if a person is male or female. I treat them pretty much the same. At least as far as I can tell... it is alway difficult to assess own behavior.
Some of you have written to me in the past that they get "weak knees" around a beautiful woman. To me, with an attractive or good-looking man, this has never happened.(It has not happened with a handsome woman either , just so you know...). For me, its more as if I would meet or talk to a human being only. Male or female... does not really matter to me.

Tony: Yes, More to the prodigal son as I did most of my things my way. Still I associate myself more to elder brother in the the story where the father ask's the two bother to go the vineyards and elder one says no and he goes at the end and the other one vice verse.
Tony, you really got me thinking. Bringing up that second story did confuse me quite a bit. Because I have not made up my mind who I tend to be in that parabel. Maybe we can talk about that story in "Tina`s advanced bible class" :-)

Scally: I had always thought I was a goody-goody because justice and fairness mattered so much to me that I had to try to embody it always. But I view my life as far as money and material things is concerned then I would certainly mimic that of the prodigal son - only without the happy ending of reunion.
I have 'wasted' money as others would see it, but for me it was about engaging with life and investing in other people's livelinhood. Moreover, it was also about trusting life and not thinking that I need to 'store up wealth' against a God/Universe that will not provide.
But I suppose the story is not really about material wealth but rather spiritual, and I suppose Jesus wanted us to stop embracing the animal instincts and instead embrace our 'spiritual father' / i.e. our divininty.
Either way, I would be the prodigal by choice. I don't value goody goody types. I value those who are prepared to be human, to mix with others without judgment, and to be honest with who and what they are. Why come to earth if only to be divine.
Lets start with your last sentence: Why come to earth if only to be divine? As I said, I am pretty much the older/good son. All my life I have tried to be there for other people. I am the typical helper.

Might be due to a lack of support from "grown up" adults while me being a child. I learned from an early age that I had to be reasonable and sound and "good" and responsible. Because my parents, especially my dad, was not (always) like that. My dad did not have a good reputation in my family and in society, he still does not have it..and so I tried as hard as I could to show the world, that I am worthy of their respect.

I did not make troubles at school, had no excessive party life, did not do drugs, went to law school even though I hated it, have most of my life been very frugal with money, am now living with my old grandma and her old sister...and still, the people who I wanted to impress, I did not succeed in making them think my dad is ok and I am ok too. All I managed to do is: they are now scared of me, because when I am together with them now, I pretend to be a hardass lawyer who is afraid of nothing. And they buy it. But deep in my heart I am deeply sadened that we do not actually like each other.

Justice and fairness do matter to me, no doubt about that, but I am not a hard judge. Really not. In 99% of cases I do understand exactly why the other person acts the way he/she does.And there is almost always a good reason for their behavior.So I do understand all the "prodigals" in the world. And I understand your valid point with "trusting life" and "engaging with life". I did not see a need to store up too much money either, even though that is changing lately:-).

However, what sucks is the fact that the older son has been there for his dad all the time, without getting a reward at all.There is not even a "well done my good and faithful son". This is still very hard to stomach for me, even though I do understand the story is not about the "good" son. But hey, that makes it even worse...The "good" son not even gets his own biblical story?

Michael: I am an older son and took quite some time to understand and like this likeness from the Lord. Let me add, that I do think it is spoken as an invitation to the originally chosen people of Israel. In a vein, similiarly to the stupid virgins or the guest which cannot come to the fest...

Michael, you are giving me hope. so it is actually possible to be an older son and like this likeness? Cool! :-)

Tes: I am the "only" son. The only child for that matter.
Only child or not, you can still get lost...And btw. and this is another point that drives me crazy: In the german translation the likeness is called "the lost son" whereas in the english translation its known as "the prodigal son". Sigh, not really helpful...

Wdspoone: When I look at this parable and the fact that it really speaks to different sides of a single persons character, it is hard to decide which (if either)I tend to lean toward the most? I can clearly point to examples where I have been a reprobate but there are also those too that show where I can be responsible and self disciplined. Therefore the question is not so much which one am I rather, which one shows up more often and in what circumstances? In the final analysis, I would have to conclude that I would most certainly exhibit behaviors that a more responsible female would feel obligated to! :D But other than that I am pretty much a perfect angel! hehe
Lol, I agree, you could use a firm female hand in your life :-) And yes, the question is actually which side shows up more often and in what circumstances.

ServingB: I've never wanted (material things) from my parents nor envied siblings who have. I have "loaned" siblings considerable amounts of money without them repaying a dime; however, I do not rejoice like the father in this parable, as my siblings borrowed the money making clear their intention to repay, and I have no respect for those siblings because they lack integrity. My experience/feelings are only remotely connected to this parable - too complex for reduction, I'm afraid.
ServingB, if I would have such a fullfiled sex, relationship and dd life, I would not even be answering questions like the one I asked :-) Sounds pretty much as if you tend to be one of the "good" sons...

Rich: I was the "good boy". My sister took care of prodigality.
Rich, thats what I call a short but all-embracing answer.

FD: I was the good oldest son, the favored one with two younger sisters.
But not to get all religious on you, but the parable is not about the prodigal son. It is about the love of his father for his son even when he screws up.
If you are a parent, you would understand.
Get religious on me as much as you want. Thats ok with me, I actually like that :-) I do understand that it is about the love of the father. And I know that we are all sinners and do need the fathers love.Me being the good girl, I have always been paying attention at bible school :-) The last sentence however was a deep hit...Never tell a woman who has no kids that she would understand if she had kids. For woman, having kids or not is always a very difficult subject. And even though I do not have kids, I have grandma, who is almost like a kid now :-) 

Tom: I am clearly more like the older son.
I always took my responsibilities very seriously, especially when they involved my family or my friends.
Thanks for that precise answer.Thats what I wanted to hear. :-)

Jack: I am the youngest, 'the baby'. The favorite of my father as he and I are most alike in the family. My mother would sometimes ask me to speak with my father because he would listen to me if no-one else. I miss him.
Hmm.. hard to tell if that makes you "good" or "prodigal" son. And Jack, I like to hear that you were having such a good dad-son relationship!!!!  I think there are only a few things on earth that make women as happy as seeing a father and a son get along very well.

spankedbywife: Well, as a Pagan (Wiccan, actually and no, we don't worship 'Satan' as Satan is a Christian god), none of this works for me, at least.
"The story includes the following:
who asks his father to give him his share of the estate"
Since when is it the father who has the option to pass on the estate. Why not the Mother. After all, if we follow the ideal of a Female Led Relationship, shouldn't property be passed on through the Matriarchial path?
Sorry, but the bible and its silly, patricarchial viewpoint just doesn't seem to apply. Give me that 'old (really old) time (Matriarchial) religion'. I prefer the Goddess path.
We could so debate over religious subjects :-) I am wondering if your wife really wants matriarchy. My impression is that women, even in a flr, still want their men to be strong and powerful. Me, I do want that.And I think, matriarchy is as bad as patriarchy. It should be a matter of the people in a relationship only, to decide who is going to be the senior partner and who the junior partner. 

It ´s late here now. I need to go to bed and get some sleep.Will let you know more about my initial thoughts and my theory soon.