Sunday, December 28, 2014

domestic discipline to my liking

I have written about this couple and their awesome video clips already, but this new video clip is just too good to not comment extensively on it.

I am lacking words to describe how much this clip turns me on. There is sooooo much in it, I do not even know where to start. So I will focus on the first 2 minutes of the clip.

I have been asked recently by a domestic discipline newbie: "are you really strong? I mean, what if I start to fight back once I am over your knees?"

(Btw: I finally DID end it with my boyfriend. Or better: I finally accepted that he is not longer interested in me. I released him, told him he is free again. So now I am free again too. Feels very strange though. Very unfamiliar. As soon as I had understood that he really does not want it/me anymore, I was able to let him go. I was always only interested in seeing him happy, and if I can't add to his happiness anymore, there is no sense in "forcing" myself into his life. DD is to 100% dependent on the partners being in it willingly, voluntarily, out of their own will. If he is not in it freely anymore, I understand that it is my responsibility to respect his feelings and withdraw myself immediately. And I did.)

So the new kid on the block/ blog asked me: "What if I was over your knees and what if I - for instance out of reflex, or triggered by old wounds -  started to fight back?  I am almost 190 cm tall" 
And I explained to him what this video clip shows in a wonderful way: if there is real loving domestic discipline going on, the physical size of both the man and the woman does not matter at all. The power exchange does not happen due to real physical power, but the power exchange happens mentally and emotionally.

The man has to give up control and power freely. The man can be -like the guy in the video- a tough former marine and the woman can be petite and still she can discipline him in a way that he will reach his emotional limits. There is no bondage needed. Part of the beauty and depth of domestic discipline comes from the fact that the man COULD always end it immediately, but CHOOSES not to end it.

The video starts with a wonderful, rarely to be seen, camera angle. Right in the guys face. He is sitting, the woman is standing and from the beginning there is no question  AT ALL who is in control here.

She starts to scold him and she is almost immediately reaching him emotionally. His body language is  just cute. Already at 0:25 is he touching his face/cheek with his hand without any obvious reason. It seems as if he is trying to sooth himself. And at 0:50 he is looking down, clearly avoiding her look.  I love how she gently touches his shoulder around 1:00 and his defeated look when she mentiones the  word "spanking".

He is trying to "safe his dignity" by making jokes, but she does not play along with his playful remarks and stays serious. It is so hot to see when he instinctively closes his eyes for a moment, when she tells him he is gonna get a "hard spanking" (1.23). For the first full 2 minutes of the video, she is  basically calmly but sternly telling him, that he will get spanked.

He has all the time of the world to tell her: NO. But he does not do it. He just accepts her authority and submits to whatever she intends to do. She eventually sits down, he is standing, and - without even saying it explicitly, - she orders him over her knees. 

He obeys and the real spanking can start. For me though, the prelude itself was one of the biggest turn ons I have seen in a long time.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Domestic discipline as good as it can be

I recently saw this domestic discipline video clip and I really liked it. I liked it a lot! It is always difficult to explain sexual fantasies and sexual turn-ons. This clip however shows exactly what I enjoy.  It is very rarely only that I find a F/m video online that represents the kind of thing I am into. This video clip though is one of the most realistic domestic discipline clips I have seen in a very long time.

I love the warmth and the closeness that the couple is radiating. No leather and latex and /or other fetish equipment needed. Just two people sorting things out between them in a loving and caring way. 

I love that she gives him a scolding before she spanks him and even after the spanking. I had to literally laugh out loud when she gave him a telling-off, told him that there is more that she wants to "discuss" and he briefly covered his face with his hands. (Around 07:30). It could be seen that she was reaching him emotionally and you never see things like that in purely commercial femdom videos. I googled the couple and alledgedly they are professionel spanking actors, but they are also a "spanking couple" in their private life.

I like how he is making jokes in the beginning, trying to lighten up the situation, and nevertheless accepting her authority. I think it is nice to see how she is trying to be stern and still radiats a bit of insecurity in the beginning. 

I think it is awesome that she makes him talk, that she makes him say that she deserves a better attitude from him. I love how she gently strokes with her fingers through his hair, how she tells him "I have been doing overtime kissing your ass".

The spanking seems real, not a "woman pretending to spank a man so he gets turned on by it"-thing. She wants him to learn a lesson and the insecurity that she showed in the beginning is gone when she smacks his butt. She knows she is right, and he knows it too.

I love that she tells him at the end to ponder for a while. We women, we ponder all the time, lol. How to improve the relationship, how to be better girlfriends, how to be less needy, how to give more, how to take less etc etc etc.
And the kneeling she makes him do at the very end, that is definitely not something he is enjoying either.  But he is doing it for her, because she wants him to, because she said so. And this is one of the sweetest things a guy can do :-)

And here is part 2.

Monday, December 8, 2014

At last!

No marriage, lol, but he relented and we are in contact again.

I am very happy.

I love him more than ever.

Monday, November 17, 2014

saints and whores?

In my life, speaking with submissive men, I hear quite often statements like:

"I cannot unite all parts of my personality in the relationship with one woman. I would love to, but I just CANNOT. My kink and my vanilla/real life are just not compatible, I want You to be my domme / mistress, I want You to see my submissive side  but my wife will see my public/ strong / domiant / alpha male side only." And the next thing I hear is: "I never feel good about these separate faces/layers of myself."

And I usually think: what? What are you talking about? I don´t even know where to start with my summation. 

First of all: my mom would agree with these submissive men. Since I was a little child I heard her sermons of: "A wife is a wife and a mistress is a mistress. It is impossible to be both. You cannot be the saint and the whore for a man at the same time, yada yada yada." But, despite popular believe, moms (and men) are not always right ;-)

For me, this concept of separation between two extremes was always strange. I never needed it in my life. I grew up knowing both sides. The "light" and the "dark", the vanilla and the kink world, and I learned to love both sides. And I still don't fully understand why people chose to make a distinction like that. 

The whole "no contact"-thing with my man is so strange now, because we were really close. I might be wrong here but I do believe I was able to be the saint AND the whore for him. And I liked both parts very much. It was fun doing all the kinky things with him and I remember one time when I accompanied him to the airport and still had his cum in my face from a blow job I had given him earlier that night... And being the saint, well that was very fulfilling for me too. I liked to take care of him, I enjoyed it immensely to go to church with him, I loved to pamper him, to be there for him.

For me, these two extremes don't really exist. It is probably because I know enough people from both sides and I know enough about each of them to understand that the "saints" are not only saints but also sinners and that the "whores" are not only whores but also loving and caring and dedicated women. In my life, I can easily take on whatever role I want to. I got many facets and I love them all. I am active in a somewhat fundamentalistic christian church, I am representing criminals in court and I am definitely into domestic discipline, spankings, power play and bdsm. 

Many of the readers of this blog are surprised by the amount of stubbornness I show related to the topic of "not wanting to face reality/not wanting to accept that it`s over with the man" . The thing is, and btw. this surprises me too, lol, I do think indeed that I am the right woman for my man. He won't easily find a better woman than me . Don`t get me wrong, he won't have any problems finding a new girlfriend. He is a hot guy and women dig him. But I do think that he is making a mistake by throwing me out of his life. And my maternal instinct is taking over saying: no, don`t do that!

It is very interesting that he is not making a move at all at the moment. Believe me, I have put him under emotional pressure in the last weeks. And it would have cost him 2 min to send me an email, saying in more or less polite words: "leave me alone". But he did not do that. There is this saying: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that `s when I really need it". And I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has never done anything at all to harm me. I don`t know what he is up to at the moment, but I know he is not interested in hurting me. I lead my life according to the believe of "the woman who loves you will never leave you because even if there are hundred reasons to give up, she will find one reason to hold on..."

So, to all the men out there who don`t dare to talk with the women in their lives about their needs: Show some trust. After 300 000 hits on this little blog, and getting countless emails and comments, I have  a pretty good picture of the men who are reading this blog. And the one thing you all have in common is: You are smart. You do understand how awesome a mind fuck can be and you do understand that the brain is super relevant for all things related to sexuality. It is very unlikely that you chose a dumb woman to be your wife. And if she is smart, she will understand your needs. Not sure if she is gonna share your needs, but if she is a saint, lol, she will at least try to please you ;-)

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I am willing to suffer for your pleasure

A lot has been written about the pleasures of being in a domestic discipline relationship. I doubt that I need to talk about the benefits for the men, especially the alpha men, and why a man would want to live in such a relationship.

Only few posts/articles are dedicated to the women and why they would want to live that lifestyle. Sometimes, on their quest to convince their partner/wife to give a domestic discipline relationship a try, men summarize all the aspects that - in their opinion - are suitable to assure the women of engaging in that special lifestyle. 

One of the reasons I sometimes hear/read from men in that context is:
It is good for the woman because "it makes me a better man/husband/boyfriend".
For me, personally, that argument does not kick in at all. In my opinion there is not much substance to that argument.

Before I enter a relationship with a man, I make sure that he is a good man. I check his qualities right from the start and I have no intention to change him and /or "make him better". If he is not a good man he will not be chosen to become my man/husband/boyfriend. And once I chose him to be my boyfriend, I promise to myself to treat him well and to not hurt him and I expect to be treated well by him and not being hurt by him. This is nothing spectacular, just two grown ups treating each other with respect and care.

For me, the pleasure of being the leader in a domestic discipline relationship is based on the fact that I can outlive parts of my personality that I usually hide. DD allows me to go for my needs and my lust and my wishes, without needing to have negotiations with my partner first. Without asking for his consent first. Without having to carry the burden of taking care of his needs too.

In my life, both in private life and in my job, I am constantly busy trying to make other people happy. Helping people, supporting people, fighting for people and comfortig people is what I do all day long. Sometimes I gain a bit of fulfillment by doing it, but most of the time it is just tiresome. I am good at what I do, don`t get me wrong, but my life is dominated by constantly being at the service for other people/clients. I sometimes feel like a mercenary. I fight battles for other people.

I do have in fact the possibility to organize my time pretty freely, but on the other hand I am feeling very much other- directed.

I am trained from early age on to pay attention to other peoples needs. I am very generous, both emotionally, financially and with my time. You need something from me? Chances are very good you will get it. 
And: I am very good at empathizing. 

this is one of the reasons why the current situation with my man is really getting under my skin. To me it looks like: I must have been doing something terribly wrong. I obviously did not see at all what he needed, I let him down to such an extent that he cannot even talk with me now anymore. My instinct is to please him, but at this point of time I do not even know what he wants me to do. What would please him?  Am I expected to fight for him? To wait for him? To give him space? To leave him alone? To fully disappear out of his life for eternity? If only I knew what he wanted, I would give it to him in a heartbeat. 
The fact that I am too stupid to understand what it is he wants pretty much paralyzes me. It hits me in the very core of my being. )

A dd relationship is like a safe haven to me. A place where I can flee to, where I feel security, a place where I can allow myself to take care of my own needs. A place where I allow myself to put my needs first. To me, having control is a turn on. No doubt about that. But the real turn ons in a domestic relationship for me are:
The silent trust that the man is putting in me. When he obeys my demands and when he is freely accepting my authority he is pretty much telling me: 

I trust you. I trust your leadership. I trust that you have thought it all trough. Even if I dont like what you want me to do, or if I dont understand why you want it, I will obey. I will do it because you want it. I am willing to suffer for your pleasure.

Friday, November 14, 2014


Still no message from him at all. I am enormously confused by his silence.

Anyway, I only got two choices at the moment: 
being happy without him or being unhappy without him.

I am a loyal friend, and a loyal girlfriend. As long as my man does not explicitly tell me that he wants me to fuck off, I don't believe it. There is just too much that we shared and lived through together. I cannot believe that he gave so much to me and that this all means nothing anymore now. So I still feel very much that we belong together. And I don't want to cheat on him. 
On the other hand: reality check little Tina, he has been quiet for a long time now...

So, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want him. There is nothing I want more than to fly to him and spend Thanksgiving with him. I miss him. Not a day goes by without me wishing I could talk to him and see him and hold him in my arms. But he obviously does not want all that.
my grandma passed away, my man refuses to talk to me and I started to feel emotionally dead myself.

So, in my search for happiness I revitalized my online kink life.

Over the years I did quite a lot of online kink stuff. And a couple of days ago I had the first session again in a very long time. It was an awesome session with a tough soldier.  It was almost therapeutic for me. I do know the soldier for years, he knows that I don`t love him and I know that he does not love me either. There is no love between us, just a mutual understanding and respect. 
I figured he is the perfect "playmate" for some fun. He suddenly showed up again out of nowhere and he pretty much lives at the other end of the world. The outer circumstances where quite perfect for me to engage in some domme activity with him.

He is a tough guy, all muscles, tall, intimidating, a fighter, and dommeing him was quite an experience.
It was the hardest Skype session I ever experienced. The whole thing was focused on his physical pain. I made him kneel on rice, hands behind his head and he kneeled there almost endlessly.
I tongue lashed him and played with his mind and made him edge himself and made him do pushups for me. And due to the fact that he is so tough, I dared to actually play really hard. Harder than I usually play. The knowledge that he has experienced worse stuff in real life, that I won`t accidentally hurt him, gave me safety. I used him as a whipping boy. I could for once outlive all the frustration and the pain that has accumulated in my body and in my heart over the last months.

And I learned that I am really angry. I am angry at myself for creating such a fucked up situation with my man. I am angry for wasting my life waiting for something that most likely won't happen. I am angry for not being able to allow love in my life. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

All is well!

The good thing in my life is: Everything is always working out for me.
In the last days and weeks I did a lot of emotional work. I meditated, I turned inwards, I focused on myself and on my well being. And I was able to find my peace of mind again.

The summer had been pretty overwhelming. My beloved grandma passed away in June. I had been dreading this moment for years. She was the first person who saw me. She was present at my birth and we were very close all through my life. I loved her deeply. And she had said many times that I am the joy of her life. She was a wonderful human being. Full of love and warmth. I was with her and held her hand when she died. She was the first person to see me alive and I was the last person to see her alive.

On the day of her death I had been working all afternoon in my office and returned to her around 6 pm. I was supposed to write a legal paper on that evening and so when I returned home from work I prepared some food and took the food and my laptop up in grandmas room. I made myself comfortable in her room, right next to her bed, sat with her and tried to comfort her, and I tried to get some legal work done. Very soon I realised that she was in a bad condition and that I won`t get any work done anymore today. It became obvious that there were more important things to do. Namely just being with her, just holding her hand, just talking to her in a soothing voice and telling her that it is ok now for her to "go" and that I love her deeply. 

And by divine intervention, just when I realized that "now" might be the dreaded day, my man sent me a computer instant message and we started a many hours long conversation. He was connected to me the whole evening through. He was my life line at the presence of death. He provided me with hope and a new beginning when my old life and my beloved grandma were about to die. He was wonderful. He was doing an amazing job. He showed all the traits I so very much love in him.  He was warm, and strong, and soft and understanding and compasionate and tender. He supported me when her condition worsened and he was virtually with me when she died. At the moment when I needed him most he was there for me. Just thinking at it now brings tears to my eyes. I am lacking words to describe what an enormous help he has been over the years and especially on that day.

My grandma loved him deeply. She always enjoyed talking about him. She met him in person when he came to see me in Germany some time ago, and despite the language difficulties and despite the fact that she was already in a very weak condition, she understood how important he is for me. One day I said to my grandma: "grandma, you are the best that ever happened to me" and she replied by saying: "thank you, but the best that ever happened to you is X (name of my man)." 

After grandmas death my life changed quite a bit. I was still mourning her death, I felt fragile and sad and at the very same time I had to deal with huge financial challenges. For quite a while I feared that I might lose my home and that I might need to move with my law firm out of grandmas house.

We had looked after grandma for a long time and my emotions were raw. I was tired and at my limits. I did not have emotional resources left. I did not see any sense in staying in Germany and fighting against some family members who claim an enormous amount out of grandmas heritage. I just did not want to fight with family members when I was still mourning grandmas death. And I knew that grandma would not have wanted for the family to fight for her heritage. She was a big believer in peace and change of perspectives. She always wanted that the different family members do get along with each other, 

So for me moving into the USA seemed to be the solution at hand. Grandma had been the reason that had held me in Germany in the last years. There had been no way for me to move to a different continent when she needed me in Germany. After her death and with a difficult law suit hanging over me like a sword of Damocles, it looked as if moving to the USA seemed to be the right step.

Even though he rarely said it, I was always sure that my man loved me. His actions spoke volumes. In the past, due to our relationship dynamic, I had often made big decisions alone. And he more or less let me make the decisions. And I need to admit, sometimes I made decisions that he did not approve of at all.

In hindsight it is clear that I did not do a smart thing in deciding alone that now is the right time for a marriage. By now I think it is actually pretty funny. I claim to be smart and strong and independent and a tough lawyer and then I make such a  foolish act? Driving away the only man I ever loved. The man who loved me too.

I still love him dearly, Hey, I was willing to marry him. Actually, I AM still willing to marry him :-)
But it has to be his decision. I love him enough to accept and respect whatever he decides. Regardless of his decision I will be forever indebted to him. He has brought enormous blessings in my life. I know it sounds like a cliche, but to me, he is my angel. I am very glad he came into my life. And by now I am thankful that he did not say goodbye. He will forever be in my heart. No need to say goodbye. As E.E. Cummings once wrote:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

the answer

I got my answer.
I called him and he rejected my call.
No words needed to understand that message. It´s the same meaning in both the English and the German language.

I just had a huge proxy fight/argument with my brother about it. My brother is an actor, a very good looking womanizer and he is always surrounded by beautiful girls who adore and admire him. I know that he has done this "just disappearing and going into no contact"-thing with quite a few girls.

I asked him why he had done it and his reply was: "I just did not want to talk, I just did not feel like saying good bye to her in a decent way."

My brother told me in very clear words that I am an idiot for pining for my man and that I should delete the emails and burn his pictures in the garden. He says that my/the man was sending a very clear message by rejecting my call. 

What both of them don`t understand is:

I need a decent good bye from him in order to be able to move on.
For me, it is very hard to find closure without it.

What we had was very special. In many aspects. The time with him was without a doubt the best time in my life. I still trust this man with my life and he actually has proven many times that he trusts me more than anybody else. And I am still pretty sure that he would throw himself in front of a car for me in order to safe me from harm.

I do understand that our paths are separating now, and I understand that he is not interested in an emotional, dramatic, "why are you leaving me"-scene :-) I do not even want an explanation for the break up. I do have a pretty good idea now why he left. What I wanted is a big picture talk/text exchange along the line of:

Thanks for being a part of my life in the last years.
I wish you well.
Have a nice life.

Sending me an email or text message like this takes about 2 minutes.
And I will NEVER understand why he did not do it.

Friday, September 19, 2014

short update

Judging from the high numbers of visitors that my blog had over the last two weeks, quite a few of you are eager to hear how things with me and my boyfriend evolved. Well, lol, your wish is my command, here is the latest news.

He did not contact me yet. I have not spoken with him nor exchanged emails with him. I contacted him a few times but he did not reply back.

It is a strange situation. I miss him enormously. I would  love to fly to him and do wonderful kinky , hot and domestic discipline things with him. And I miss his intellectual input, his 2 cents in both my business life and my private life. Despite having a long distance relationship he has been very present in my life in the last years. We were very close emotionally. The long distance made it probably even easier for both of us to allow emotional closeness. And the "no contact" that we are having now is a HUGE change.

A few days ago I stumbled over a pair of his socks in my room and I ended up holding the socks in my hand and dreaming of him for a long time.  Basically: whatever I do, everything reminds me of him.

But I learned a lot in the last weeks. 
I am asking myself a lot of very interesting questions:
what is my part in the situation? Where do I resonate with the miscommunication? Why and how did I create that conflict? What do I need to learn? Where have I wronged him? What am I afraid of? What do I fear? Do I really allow and accept the love in my life that he offered?

I will spare you from reading the answers to these very personal questions. It´s not really interesting for you anyway. 

My point is only: 
I am responsible for my life. 
As nice as it might sound to blame him for me being unhappy about the "no contact", I do have a huge part in the current situation too. I cornered him with my marriage-ultimatum. And I am sure he was not pleased with me doing it. I am pretty sure though that the main reproach he is secretly harbouring against me is based on something else. He did not openly say it, but I understood that something I did made him feel very uncomfortable. I am intentionally staying very vague here. No need to discuss the exact details on the internet. 

In sum:

I am wishing him the very best.

All I want to say to him at the moment is:

I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

being punished

I have written a lot about pain and punishment, and I always wrote out of the perspective of the one who is handing out the punishment. Now I want to address that subject out of the perspective of the one who is being punished.

Frankly: I messed up. I hurt my boyfriend that much that he is really punishing me now. He is teaching me a lesson and I am on the receiving end of one of the hardest punishments I ever got. And I can report: his punishment is hurting me a lot. As every good punishment is supposed to be, it is very unpleasant, it is painful and it is definitely making me think.

The gist of the story is:
I met my boyfriend, I fell in love with him, and I still love him. To me, he is the one.
So far so good ;-)

A couple of weeks ago I put him under real pressure and told him that I want to marry /to be married. I told him to take/marry me or to leave me.

The outcome of that pressure was that he left me. Or actually: After having sent me about 2000 emails in the last years, he now suddenly stopped all communication with me. He does not take my calls, I dont get a reply to my emails and I have not heard from him in weeks at all.
The interesting aspect is: When I had told him that I want to be married at the end of 2014 /Summer 2015 at the latest, for a moment it looked as if he would agree to it. And during that short moment, all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue, I became super scared. I had this feeling of: “OMG; Really? This is really going to be happening? I am scared of it.”
It was fear of success. It felt like “this is too good for me. This cannot be happening to me. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve so much good”. Being his wife was all I dreamt about in the last years with him. And now I realised that the idea of becoming his wife, the idea of living my dream, scared me.
It was one of the aha- experiences one sometimes has in life. I got a rare glimps in my own invisible scripts. A glimps in my deepest fears and insecurities. It almost looks as if I (by forcing him to make a decision) sabotaged my relationship with him because according to my own invisible scripts what we had was “too good for me”
When I had put him under the "marriage-pressure" I sort of knew that he does not want to marry. I guess that in his opinion it is just not the right time. There is just too much other stuff going on that is making a wedding/marriage quite complicated. The fact wheter or not he is going to marry does probably say nothing about wheter he loves me or not.
And still I pressured him into a decision. I did it because I do think that it is absolutely normal for a woman to want to be married. I want to show the world that we belong together, I want to share the same family name with him, I want to wear a wedding band with his name on it, I want him to wear a wedding band with my name on it.
I had no intention to hurt him. I did not want to emotionally smother him or to legally restrain him. I just wanted the world to see that we belong together. He is in my heart, we had wonderful moments in the last years, we went through many challenges together, he has been an enormous help to me when a family member passed away not too long ago and I know that he does have strong feelings for me too. So to me, marriage seemed a logical step.
Hurting him did not even cross my mind. I wrote him that I was always so scared of losing him, but that I now feel strong enough to address the tricky marriage subject. I told him that I don`t want to be a burden in his life and if he does not want me in his life anymore, I don`t want to be in his life anymore either. I wanted clarity. I wanted to know whether I am the right one for him too or not.
In my line of thinking: I wanted to either hear a clear commitment or a clear: „Babe I am sorry...I just cannot do it. But thanks for the wonderful years we had together.“
I really want this man to be my husband. I do think though that I could have lived calmly and peacefully if he had told me the words that people usually say in situations like this: „Hey, it`s not your fault. I just dont want to marry. Bla bla bla.“
What is really hard for me though is that he went into „no contact“. I am feeling so rejected and so hurt, I don`t even have words to describe it. The fact that I am absolutely powerless here is almost unbearable for me. I am a dominant woman, I am used to taking things in my own hands and solve problems when I see some. I talk about things, and I do actually apologise when I understand I hurt somebody. It might sound strange, but apologizing is actually not difficult for me. If somebody is dear to my heart, I think it is only natural to want to be on good terms with that person. In my family we usually express our feelings openly. We yell, we slam doors, we argue, we push each others buttons, but we are easy to forgive and easy to apologize. However, in the current situation I don`t have any means to apologize. I am not sure if he even reads my emails at the moment. And I am pretty sure that he is not reading this post here either.
When it comes to hurt and violation, the view of the person who got hurt must be treated as the determining factor. And obviously my boyfriend is very hurt now.
Be assured that he is very able to express his feelings. He can be very good with words. I am a lawyer, I actually use words a lot. I talk a lot and I talk a lot about my feelings. And my boyfriend does have the ability to share his feelings with me, he is on a par with me verbally and he is strong enough to defy me if it is needed. :-) He does not always want or like to share his feelings with me, he is a man after all and I do know that as far as men are concerned other standards for sharing feelings are to be aplied ;-) But generally speaking, we were very capable of talking things over and finding peaceful and respectful settlements for our disagreements in the past.
So when we don`t talk things over now it is because he does not want to talk it over. The fact that is really making me think is that he chose to hand out the biggest possible punsihment: No Contact.

He is no fool, he is in fact a very empathetic man. So he does know exactly that no contact is having a huge impact on me. And the idea that he seemes to think that I deserve to be punished so harshly is almost unbearable for me. My instinct is to run to him, to fight for our love, to try to convince him that I am the right woman for him. But my brain tells me: „Tina, don`t do that. The more you contact him now, the more is he going to reject you.“ He knows that I want to have contact with him. He obviously wants to send a very strong message. It is his decision how long he wants to stay silent. I obviously got no say in it.
If he really thinks that no contact is the appropriate punishment for me, I must have hurt him immensly. My feelings of guilt, anger, fear and dismay are overwhelming. I try to trust though that he is going to end my punishment someday in the future. He has given himself in my hands  so often in the past,  I could be dominant and boss him around many times, maybe it´s only fair that now the tables are turned? I only hope he will give me the aftercare I deserve. This whole thing is really bringing me at my limits.