Sunday, July 31, 2016

how can I make my wife dominate me?

Once in a while a guy sends me an email and asks me:

My marriage is not too god right now. We have kids but we have not had sex in a long time. I am thinking about getting a divorce, or having a mistress.
Tina, how can I make my wife interested in domestic discipline?  How can I tell her about my submissive side? How can I make her wanting to dominate me?

Here is what I think:


Begin by loving your wife. In the English language, "to love" is  a verb. It is actually possible to actively love somebody. Love her, even though she might not give you much love, affection or comfort lately. If you love her with all your heart, she will sooner or later feel it. And it will give you the very cool feeling of doing the right thing.

Take a deep breath, relax and try not to push things as far as the relationship is concerned.


There is a masterplan in order to come successfully through med school or to pass the bar exam, but there is just no such masterplan in regards to your marriage.
 
Both of you, you just have a huge responsibility with work and family, socializing and school/kindergarden (whatever). Having a hot and fullfilling sexlife under these circumstances is almost impossible. So what I am saying is: you are not doing worse than other couples are doing. Don`t panic, stay calm and don`t do anything stupid.

  • "it is NOW without any intimacy and closeness"
The good news is: intimacy and closeness can come back. You once had it with her, this indicates to both of you marrying for love reasons and not for money or reputation or stuff. So there is a strong foundation where the two of you can build on again. I am sure your wife does not want to lose you. You are the father of her kids, you care about the kids.

  • "I discovered the world of D/s"

 D/s is a great way of letting go in a controlled and safe environment. And in a way it is good for you that you found that way of letting go some of the tension through it. Better than drugs and alcohol and stuff. :-)

Do not push your wife in that direction too much.  
Start by courting her again: in a very very very very very very very  vanilly way of life. 
Did I make myself clear? let me repeat it: court her in a vanilla way.

And when you are courting her, do NOT expect anything in return. 
Love her, nothing more. Tell her that she is doing a good job with the kids. Tell her that you are glad that she is in your life. tell her that you are happy that she is so successful in the job she is doing

  • "She wants equality in marriage"
She wants equality in marriage?  thats fine. I want that too.
Sometimes I lead and sometimes the man leads. Its just a matter of finding the right balance.

 What is something small you want her to do to you in the kinky context? I dont know, I am asking you, what is it that you would like her to do to you?
denying you an orgasm?
telling you that you can't watch the MLB game on tv?
be more bossy with you at home?

Become clear first about what it is that turns you on. What is it that you want from her for a start.
Depending on it, it is important that you explain to her what you need and why you need it.
tell her that you are feeling very afraid and shaken and insecure. that you dont want to overwhelm her. But that it is just something you would like to explore with her.
Tell her, that it does not affect your ability to be her rock and her equal partner  when the two of you are facing the world, but that it is just something you want her to do to you in private.

Give her time to ponder.
Find something that is hot for you, but not too hardcore for her ;-)
And build from that slowly but steady.

Give her a chance to learn and understand this thing we are doing.
And even if she is not jumping into it enthusiastically , it´s not the end of the world, It only means you need to do a better job in explaining your feelings to her.
There is not a woman on earth who does not like it when a guy shares his feelings with her, believe me :-)


Basically: TALK TO HER. Share your feelings again with her. Write her a nice text message, saying that you are missing her when she is on a business trip, all these little things that make a womans heart melt. You know exactly what I am talking about, because you did all these things when you were newly engaged... So use your brains and do these things again. make her fall in love with you again. 

Relationship problems are about the last thing she needs. Most likely, if you are not happy in the relationship, she is not happy either. So work on making both of you happy again!!!!

If you have any money left  take a day or two days off from work and spend it with her only. Go for a walk, or play tennis with her or go and have a nice dinner together, no need to fly to NYC and go to the opera there. Just have a relaxed and fun day together with her doing nothing but pampering her and having fun with her. At this point of time you have to invest in the relationship. and I think the two of you, more than anything else you need time together. 

Only when the relationship is stable again bring up the kink. She might even give you what you want in that aspect then. But not now. 
If she is at least a bit like me, she needs to feel safe and cared for and loved and cherished and valued as woman, only then will dd and kink bring her pleasure. 

Friday, July 29, 2016

my birthday

Toady is my birthday.

If you have somewhat enjoyed my blog in the last 12 months, drop me a private message (diestarkefrau (at) yahoo(dot) com) and write me a few nice words.

It will mean a lot to me. A LOT.

I´d like  to have the feeling that I am surrounded by like-minded and caring and loving souls.

I´d like to be showered in your warmth and friendship.

And: feel free to send gifts too. I am open to receive all the abundance that the universe has to offer to me. :-)

I`d like to get as many tokens of love and friendship as possible. Tokens that remind me that I am valued and appreciated.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Wishing you all a fantastic day. 

Will write more awesome stories about me and Gregory soon.  Keep us in your prayers. :-)

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

being slapped in the face

 Judging from the stats of my little blog , you all wanna read more about face slaps. Your wish is my command.

I have been asked:


He said he was forcibly resisting being spanked, and that led to him being slapped in the face. I'm interested in your take on that, especially as a lawyer. From a legal perspective, the most logical inference that people would draw from forcible resistance is that consent to the spanking has been withdrawn, making it an illegal assault. Of course, the chances that it would be pursued legally are probably nil. However, that still begs the question of how to DD partners conduct themselves when consent has apparently been revoked.  
in that situation of forcible resistance, would you consider consent to be withdrawn, and if so, would you continue to try to force compliance via face slapping or otherwise? 

I can say one thing for sure: If I have the SLIGHTEST feeling that the man is withdrawing his consent, I stop whatever I am doing. I am not stopping because of the cops or fear that legal problems might arise. This is not something I even think about. I never even had legal problems in my whole life. In my life, with the relationships that I have, 3rd parties are never a problem. The bond between the man and me is always very strong. 

Even today,  without having spoken with my ex for about 2 years, I am 100% confident that he would (if actually necessary)  throw himself in front of a car for me. And the very same feeling I have with Gregory. Even though we only know each other a very short time, for me it is clear that he would do me no harm and that he cares about my well-being very much. And I care about his well-being very much and would not do any harm to him. We never speak about it because it is so obvious for me. 

Gregory and I had a huge as in HUGE argument when I was visiting him. I had done something that led him to believe that I had caused him A LOT of problems. (I had not actually caused any problems, but he did not know that at the time.) He was FURIOUS with me. And I was not exactly happy with him either. His emotions were super raw that night. And despite the feeling of betrayal he was feeling, despite his anger, despite his fear, we still spent the night in the same bed, next to each other. That night he probably had felt like I had stabbed him in the back, and still he let me be close to him. Despite the fact that he felt very much betrayed and hurt by me, he trusted me. And first thing in the morning we cleared the situation and the misunderstandings.
In hindsight, this night and our huge argument that night only strengthened my believe in Gregory and in the fact that he is worthy of  my attention and love.

So, if I have the feeling that the man is withdrawing his consent, I dont stop because I fear legal problems. I stop because if he is withdrawing his consent, I immediately lose all interest in "dominating" him. Gregory could tell you that he encourages me often to be strict with him, to punish him and to let my dominant side shine through.  And there are times when I am super strict with him. (I will tell you one day about the night when I told him to strip and stand in the corner. I watched him over Skype and let him stand there for 90 full minutes....). I need him to encourage me to be strict with him because I want to be sure that he is actually ok with what I am demanding from him.

If a man withdraws his consent, I see no sense in dominating him anymore. Because what I want from him is a gift. I want the gift of his submission. I want him to be strong, and strong minded and independent, and if he is all that, his gift of his submission to me is super valuable to me.

If I tell my partner in a domestic discipline context to do something, and he does not do it, I feel like a fool, like an idiot. I don`t get angry with my partner, and I don`t want to slap him in the face. I just feel very humiliated and tell myself: "well I am not gonna give him that much power over me again." 

From my point of view: the kink is something that we both have to want. Both the man and I need to want to do this. And if he refuses to obey, I am not gonna force him into submission.
In a way, I let him  have the power. It´s his decision whether he obeys or not. It´s his decision to resist or not. I don`t want him to test out some boundaries. I don t want him to brat.  I am offering him my heart, and it is his decision whether he takes it and obeys or ignores it and shows defiance.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

a slap in the face?

My 27 yo, very smart and very beautiful sister has very stormy relationships with the men in her life. She is currently dating a 22 yo german-turkish macho boy. She is older, smarter, richer and more experienced than he is. And I know that my sister `s independence and strong will is sometimes hard to stomach for that young man, who grew up with very different role models.

My sister and the young man, they actually physically fought in our kitchen the other night, and they both ended up on the kitchen floor with blisters and bruises on their bodies. They stayed very quiet while fighting, because allegedly they did not want to wake me up. (which I appreciated, lol). They are fine with each other again already, "Cads' fighting when ended is soon mended".

My sister told me all about the fight and the bruises the next day. I could see that she was not hurting in a bad way. She seemed to like the "drama". And she likes the fact that he is treating her roughly. Him treating her like that gives her a possibility to get physically with him too.

I listened to her story and tried to stay completely non-judgmental. The only thing I said was: "If a man treated me like that, I would lose all interest in him immediately."

And my sister asked me very bewildered: "Have you never slapped a man in the face?"
And my honest answer was and is: "No, I have never done that."

If a man acted around me in such a way that I wanted to slap him in the face, I`d leave him. 

In my thinking, in a vanilla context, slapping the partner in the face is super humiliating. It´s just something I am not willing to have in my life.

I saw my stepdad slap my mom in the face years ago. And it is a picture I never want to see again.

I think my point is:
It is a very strange thought that my little sister thinks it is completely normal for a woman to slap her man in the face.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

sadness

I am feeling super sad today. Today is the first day in many days that I actually have time for myself. It has been a stressful week with lots of financial and emotional drama in my life. I have been calming and comforting tons of people in the last couple of days. I felt good because my private life with Gregory gave me something to enjoy. And when I am feeling good, I can pretty much console and help everyone who wants me to. I supported a woman who was beaten up by her husband, I represented a friend in a criminal case, I went with a client to financial negotiations with a bank, I listened endlessly to my mother expressing her feelings because I knew it would make her feel better, I saw client after client, I spoke with doctors, lawyers, husbands, colleagues and and and.

But today is a day where I need to be comforted myself.

Gregory is still sleeping, due to the time difference. I can't blame him for not comforting me. He does not even know yet how I am feeling today. I am sure he is going to be there for me when I am telling him how I am feeling. 

But to be honest, I am scared that he can't catch me emotionally today. In my experience, generally speaking, the people I let in my life are rarely able to deal with a sad Tina. Me being sad and overwhelmed and feeling blue seems to shaken up the whole system. And Gregory has to face own challenges at the moment.

I had an intense vanilla conversation/discussion with Gregory recently. And he more or less told me that he does not share my seemingly somewhat naive optimism in regards to some vanilla problems we are facing. He probably thinks I am too naive and not understanding/seeing reality. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am well aware of reality. 

I tend to be optimistic and positive, I actually choose intentionally to be optimistic and positive, because for me being optimistic is essential to function. Sometimes, for instance,  my financial fear gets so huge, it literally freezes me and makes me pretty much paralyzed. And being in that state is not helpful for me at all. I need to be flexible and creative and courageous and emotional open in order to find solutions for the challenges I am facing in my life. I try to avoid these situations where I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And being optimistic and focusing on the positive is my approach of dealing with the challenging reality. 

Today though, I am the one who needs and wants to be comforted. I need other people to tell me that things are gonna be ok. That everything is working out for me. That good things are on my way and that I am valued and valuable.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

a hard question ;-)

Sometimes it is the little things that are the hardest....
Gregory knows all about corporal punishments. He can take a lot from a domme without even making a sound or moving a muscle. I know he feels on familiar territory with corporal punishment. Generally speaking, getting a corporal punishment from a domme is not something he is afraid of.

At the moment, I want something completely different from him though. I want him to accept my emotional and loving attention. I want him to allow himself to accept the love I am feeling for him. I want him to let himself fall in the warmth and care and securness that I am offering to him. And this is still a bit scary for him.

When I was in NYC with him, he has given to me and given to me and given to me. It was a super cool experience for me. I was showered in his affection and attention and all I had to do was to receive and to accept his care and warmth. Both physically and emotionally.

Now, with me back in Germany and him in the States, we can't do much corporal stuff, obviously. Now it´s time for me to focus on what I do best in life, emotions. Now it`s time to make sure he understands what a good job he has done in NYC. How much joy and happinness he has given to me. 

He is a great guy, a wonderful man, an amazing human being. And it is my pleasure to make sure he sees what I am seeing. But it is difficult to even go there.

I just told Gregory:

I want you. I chose you. There have to be reasons for that, right? 
I want you to give me 5 reasons. Why do I think you are a wonderful guy?  Me, I know the answers. But do you?

He dodged an answer, lol. That was to be expected. So I gave him a second chance and told him: "Go and water the lawn now. And give me the answer later."

His reply to that was:

Much later ;-) 
He is afraid to answer such a simple question? I do think that`s cute. ;-)

Friday, July 15, 2016

I see myself in him

I sometimes look at Gregory and I see myself in him. 

It is very easy for me to love him.  And loving him makes it easy for me to love myself and to allow his affection towards me. I do believe him when he showers me with affection. I do believe him because I feel exactly the same towards him.

We are similar in so many aspects.
He is a giver. He enjoys to make me happy. Giving is easy for him. He has given himself to me right from the beginning. Receiving is more difficult for him.

Sometimes he is doubting himself where there is no need at all for doubts. 
I told him how wonderful he is, and his reply was: "I hope I can live up to it"

He does not hide his emotions. He is very open with his feelings. 
He is a sensitive guy with a wide variety of emotions. And I have seen him show all colors of emotions.
*I saw him dealing with children and older family members in the most gentle and caring and soft way.
* I saw him completely lose his coolness with another guy in New York right on Times Square. The two men yelled at each other and cursed at each other, in so dirty ways I have not heard in a very long time.
* I saw him gleaming with  joy when he knew he had made me happy.
*I saw his eyes tearing up when he was disappointed with himself.
*I saw him full of raw lust and sexual energy.
*I saw him all vulnerable and out of control.
*I saw him all powerful and in complete control.
*I saw him giving me the most wonderful smile.

He started to teach me "to draw sketches" recently.  He has given me a lesson each night in the last few nights. And he is the most wonderful teacher. Patient, empowering, supportive, gentle, funny, relaxed...it is a lot of fun for me to learn from him. (Note: lol, I am not speaking about me learning to give a proper caning here, lol. I am not ready to practice caning yet.) He is silently signaling me: "You can do that, girl. Trust yourself. It´s fun. You are doing great!"
I told him: "It is difficult for me to draw sketches in front of you. Imagine you had to draw sketches in front of Picasso." And his reply was: "relax, remember, we are all little girls sometimes" . It was a reference to  a blog post I had written, where I had said: "I am so nervous to meet him, I feel like a little girl." And he had replied to me privately: "You know, guys can feel like little girls too"

Do I sound like a girl in love? well, I am :-)

Having him in my life feels very warm and familiar and good.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

a caning can be rocket science...

I avoided so far to write about some caning "activities" that went on between Gregory and I. I avoided talking about it because it had shaken me up quite a bit.

As far as bdsm is concerned, Gregory is an experienced guy. He has seen and done a lot. He has been submissive to some beautiful dominatrixes. He has even trained women to become a pro domme. And he has a high pain tolerance when it comes to corporal punishment. 

Me, I am doing this thing we do more on an emotional, domestic  level. I have never been to kinky parties, places etc. It´s more of a very intimate and personal thing for me. I dont think much about implements. I dont have any specific spanking implements and I just improvise. For instance, I spanked a man with the belt he was wearing at the time, and I spanked another man with a wooden kitchen spoon that was within my reach.

Generally speaking, I dont strive to reach the man through pain but through emotions. I am however more than willing to give him what he needs; I want him to be happy and fulfilled and with his needs satisfied. Seeing him happy and content makes me happy and content. If Gregory needs or wants or craves a severe caning, I am theoretically looking forward to provide him with one. That´s all cool with me. 

However, in practice, I pretty much messed up in NY.
One evening I gave him a caning. Or, to be more specific: I tried to give him a caning, lol. 
Whatever I did, nothing seemed to be right. And he is not even denying that. 

He thinks of caning as an art. Something that has to be done with knowledge and artistry. Something that needs to be practiced in order to be executed with perfection and precision.

And me, even just writing these words, my little girl mind completely shuts down and I am thinking in a pouting way: "Nooooooo, I don`t wanna do that. I don`t want to practice and learn and practice."

Really, I dont wanna practice a caning. I can't even fully explain why I am so overreacting here. I think it is because it triggers old wounds. I fell completely in a thinking of: "I am not good enough. And what I am doing is not good enough. " 

Gregory gave me some advice on how to improve the caning strokes. But I had problems to take his advice.  He once said to me: "You want me to shut up? I will shut up. And I will suffer for you. If that´s what you want. Only, I am telling you, it´s not a good feeling for me at all."

In his job, he does something that I think is very very very cool. I highly admire him for having the job he is having. It takes an incredible amount of dedication and self-discipline, to work in the area he is working in. I am enjoying every moment he is sharing some of his professional wisdom with me. I am his willing student as far as everything related to his job is concerned.

But I just don `t want to be his student as far as the kink is concerned. I just cannot do that. Really, I tried. I tried to be easy about it and relaxed and open and willing to learn from him. But it is very very difficult for me.

I do understand him, he needs the feeling that the woman who is caning his ass is actually knowing what she does. Especially considering the high intensity strokes he is craving, it´s among else a matter of safety for him and his pretty body.

And at the level he is playing, I dont know what I am doing. I was constantly worried to hurt him in a not good way, and I sometimes did. 

Don't get me wrong here, things between Gregory and I are fine. We have a million things we can do together and enjoy doing together. I just blame myself for being so dramatic with the whole caning thing.


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

my first vibrator

I had told Gregory weeks ago that I had never used a vibrator yet. I had not even touched a vibrator yet. So far, my life had been completely vibrator free. Gregory did not comment much on it and I had soon forgotten that we had even had that vibrator conversation.

One day in New York, he said something like: "I got a surprise for you later tonight". Surprise? sure , cool with me :-)

And at night, in that  very comfortable 30th floor hotel room, he pampered me and licked my pussy. I was lying on the bed, doing nothing but enjoying the feeling and relaxing, when suddenly he brought a vibrator "into the game". I am not sure where the vibrator came from, lol, and I did not ask.

I let Gregory have the lead and in a way I was giving myself to him. I was not sure what he was up to and I felt a bit timid and shy. But I opened myself emotionally for whatever it was he had in mind for me.

He used the vibrator on me, and it felt good. I enjoyed the feeling of it, A LOT.

I am not sure why the vibrator was such a big deal for me, but it was. I think part of it is related to the fact that with the vibrator, it was all about me. Gregory did something that only had one purpose: namely to make me happy.

Remember, around December 2015 and January 2016 I had written a lot about how I wanted to learn to receive. I wanted to find a balance between giving and receiving. And while giving never was a problem for me, receiving has sometimes been pretty challenging for me. 

And now, here I was. In a New York hotel room, with a great guy who I admire for many things he does in life, a guy whose only focus in that moment was to give me pleasure. All I had to do was to enjoy and receive what he freely gave to me. And that, to me, was pretty mind blowing.

I brought the vibrator back to Germany. And I can report that I am using it often ;-)

Monday, July 11, 2016

a perfectly ruined orgasm

Gregory and I  had already been together for 4 days 24/7. And we had been constantly buys. Visiting friends, going to places, seeing family members. I had "explored" his body every moment we had some privacy. We had danced together, he had kissed me, I had teased him and played with him and touched him endlessly. But I had not let him come yet.

I am not quite sure where he really stands as far as orgasm denial and chastity is concerned. I sometimes tell him: "Don`t come. You are not allowed to come. Wait for my explicit permission to come." And he always follows my wishes. Always! He knows, it turns me on to have that sort of power over him. I think in theory he somewhat likes the idea of being denied, in reality however, being denied an orgasm is very difficult for him. I am not sure if he likes it as much as I do. But what can I say, I just LOVE it when he is all needy and begging me to let him come. His voice changes, he gets very submissive and he  is all like: "please, ma ` am, please!"

He had been good to me. He had treated me very well. And he had made sure that I had had enough orgasms and sexual fulfillment. 

We were together in bed that night, watching kinky stuff online, and I started to tease him and play with his cock. I did not think much about it, this is just what I do. I like his cock and I like playing with his cock.  It was a very relaxed atmosphere. It was hot in the room and we were both naked. He got harder and harder, and I was having a good time with him. I actually wanted him to come tonight. It felt like he had "suffered" enough. I know he wanted to cum. 

I played with his dick and had all intention of letting him have a well deserved and relaxing orgasm. But just when I felt that he was about to come, I suddenly thought: "why not giving him a ruined orgasm?" 
The thing is, I had never done that ever, but I had seen enough material online to know how it works ;-)
There was not much time for me to "plot" anything. I just followed my gut. Just when I could feel that he is going to explode, I moved my hand away. I did not say a word. It all happened silently. He looked at me very surprised and was about to touch his cock with his hand, in order to "finish off", when I blocked his hand from touching his cock. He understood immediately. And only a second later he came. Only there was zero stimulation on his poor, but damn hot cock. He shot a huge load of cum all over his belly. And he was all like: "Nooooo, pleeeeaase", lol

I could not stop smiling. It was so cute to see him struggle with the reality of what had just happened.

He took it well though. As so often in the last couple of weeks, he took and accepted what I had chosen to give him. And I love him for letting me do that to him.  


Sunday, July 10, 2016

I finally met Gregory, the pretty boy

I needed some time to process the events with Gregory, my pretty boy. The days with him have been just wonderful. I felt good in his presence. In a way, I felt very at home with him. It felt like: "Yes, this is the place where I am supposed to be right now." He made me feel very good in my skin. And I miss him A LOT now.

My family in Germany saw the pictures of Gregory  and me, and their comment was: "Tina, you look so happy on those pictures. You never look happy like this when you are in Germany with us." well, what can I say... I did indeed enjoy my time with pretty boy very much.

We had decided to meet in New York City. He knows the city and I had never been there. He picked me up at JFK airport, wearing a Germany- t-shirt, to honor my arrival. We recognized each other immediately. I gave him a long, tight hug, and I liked the feeling of being in his arms. His body felt good. I liked what I saw, I liked what I felt. :-)  We went to his car, and pretty much as soon as he started driving I started to touch his hair and neck and face. And I pretty much kept touching him constantly during my whole stay in the US. I LOVE touching this man.

When we had skyped, I had told him: "man, I wish I could touch you". And now, while we were together, he said something along the line of: "wow, you really were telling the truth when you said you wanted to touch me. That´s so cool." I laughed and said: "of course I do!"

There really was not much awkwardness between us. In a way, being with him felt very familiar and warm and good immediately. 

We drove to a restaurant and had fantastic prime rib. I was still a bit nervous though, and could not eat my whole portion. I offered him my leftovers and when he actually ate my leftovers, I sort of knew that the days are going to be good. We were just a couple, sharing food together. And I loved it. Sometimes it is the smallest things that make me the happiest.

We checked in in a nearby hotel and pretty much one of the first things I did was to make him stand in the hotel room corner, lol. I needed to do that because I was already melting like butter in his hands. I wanted to pamper and caress him , and touch his face and let my fingers glide through his hair and feel his body. ...

We had a couple of fantastic days in New York. Gregory showed me the whole city, we stayed in a great hotel  in walking distance to "everything". He led me in bars and hidden  jazz clubs that I would have never seen without him. Oh, and btw. , he drives car like  a New Yorker cab driver, lol. He knows no fear and he knows how to curse ;-) He even brought me in a german restaurant in New York. The place is called "Zum Schneider". So, if you happened to be there  last week, you might have actually seen us. We were that very happy looking , tall couple. :-)

Our days in New York have been full and intense. We had a very tight schedule.

Yes, there was a lot of sexual and kinky activity going on between us. And I promise, I will share some of the juicy details with you in my next post.

To be continued.