Once in a while a guy sends me an email and asks me:
My marriage is not too god right now. We have kids but we have not had sex in a long time. I am thinking about getting a divorce, or having a mistress.
Tina, how can I make my wife interested in domestic discipline? How can I tell her about my submissive side? How can I make her wanting to dominate me?
Here is what I think:
Begin by loving your wife. In the English language, "to love" is a verb. It is actually possible to actively love somebody. Love her, even though she might not give you much love, affection or comfort lately. If you love her with all your heart, she will sooner or later feel it. And it will give you the very cool feeling of doing the right thing.
Take a deep breath, relax and try not to push things as far as the relationship is concerned.
There is a masterplan in order to come successfully through med school or to pass the bar exam, but there is just no such masterplan in regards to your marriage.
Both of you, you just have a huge responsibility with work and family, socializing and school/kindergarden (whatever). Having a hot and fullfilling sexlife under these circumstances is almost impossible. So what I am saying is: you are not doing worse than other couples are doing. Don`t panic, stay calm and don`t do anything stupid.
- "it is NOW without any intimacy and closeness"
The good news is: intimacy and closeness can come back. You once had it with her, this indicates to both of you marrying for love reasons and not for money or reputation or stuff. So there is a strong foundation where the two of you can build on again. I am sure your wife does not want to lose you. You are the father of her kids, you care about the kids.
- "I discovered the world of D/s"
D/s is a great way of letting go in a controlled and safe environment. And in a way it is good for you that you found that way of letting go some of the tension through it. Better than drugs and alcohol and stuff. :-)
Do not push your wife in that direction too much.
Start by courting her again: in a very very very very very very very vanilly way of life.
Did I make myself clear? let me repeat it: court her in a vanilla way.
And when you are courting her, do NOT expect anything in return.
Love her, nothing more. Tell her that she is doing a good job with the kids. Tell her that you are glad that she is in your life. tell her that you are happy that she is so successful in the job she is doing
- "She wants equality in marriage"
She wants equality in marriage? thats fine. I want that too.
Sometimes I lead and sometimes the man leads. Its just a matter of finding the right balance.
What is something small you want her to do to you in the kinky context? I dont know, I am asking you, what is it that you would like her to do to you?
denying you an orgasm?
telling you that you can't watch the MLB game on tv?
be more bossy with you at home?
Become clear first about what it is that turns you on. What is it that you want from her for a start.
Depending on it, it is important that you explain to her what you need and why you need it.
tell her that you are feeling very afraid and shaken and insecure. that you dont want to overwhelm her. But that it is just something you would like to explore with her.
Tell her, that it does not affect your ability to be her rock and her equal partner when the two of you are facing the world, but that it is just something you want her to do to you in private.
Give her time to ponder.
Find something that is hot for you, but not too hardcore for her ;-)
And build from that slowly but steady.
Give her a chance to learn and understand this thing we are doing.
And even if she is not jumping into it enthusiastically , it´s not the end of the world, It only means you need to do a better job in explaining your feelings to her.
There is not a woman on earth who does not like it when a guy shares his feelings with her, believe me :-)
Basically: TALK TO HER. Share your feelings again with her. Write her a nice text message, saying that you are missing her when she is on a business trip, all these little things that make a womans heart melt. You know exactly what I am talking about, because you did all these things when you were newly engaged... So use your brains and do these things again. make her fall in love with you again.
Relationship problems are about the last thing she needs. Most likely, if you are not happy in the relationship, she is not happy either. So work on making both of you happy again!!!!
If you have any money left take a day or two days off from work and spend it with her only. Go for a walk, or play tennis with her or go and have a nice dinner together, no need to fly to NYC and go to the opera there. Just have a relaxed and fun day together with her doing nothing but pampering her and having fun with her. At this point of time you have to invest in the relationship. and I think the two of you, more than anything else you need time together.
Only when the relationship is stable again bring up the kink. She might even give you what you want in that aspect then. But not now.
If she is at least a bit like me, she needs to feel safe and cared for and loved and cherished and valued as woman, only then will dd and kink bring her pleasure.