Saturday, August 20, 2016

a lesson for Gregory in real life domestic discipline

Gregory was in a sad mood yesterday. He was feeling blue and doubting his professional skills. From my perspective, there was no reason at all for him to doubt himself or to doubt his professional skills, but it was not really possible for me to reach him emotionally.  His inner talk was harsher than I could or would ever be with him.

I wanted to hug him so badly. I wanted to touch him, and feel him, and let him feel me. I know that I can be pretty convincing when I am physically around. I am good at comforting or scolding ;-) But it is almost impossible for me to support him in one way or the other through mere text messages or through Skype while other family members are around.

So I insisted on having private time with him. I demanded his obedience, even though he was not really in the mood for it.

We postponed our "time together" 2 or 3 times during the course of the day, but in the evening he showed up on Skype and was all mine.  

I did not lose much time and told him to strip and show me his cock. It felt unusual cold, because there was no foreplay at all. Not even some amicable banter. I usually try to create a good atmosphere for the two of us first. But I did not do that yesterday. 

I was not angry at him, so I did not bring any fire in the scene. And the warmth of my love did hardly get through to him. He seemed resigned and disheartened. 

I made him present his cock to me, which brought me in a very good mood immediately, and then told him to stand in the corner for me. 

He stood in the corner, and for a while it seemed like he was emotionally getting calmer and more relaxed. As soon as he was motionlessly standing in the corner, I was once again amazed by his beauty and by the fact that this impressive man is mine now.

I made him stand in the corner for about 15 min, during which I once in a while made him change the positions of his arms. He was obeying and quietly following my orders. But I could tell, just by watching his body, that he was not ok. I knew, something was off. 

I told him to turn around and to face me. I wanted to see what´s going on. I looked at him and I saw that he was still very sad and dispirited.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to caress his face and hold him in my arms.

He apologized to me. He said something like: "I am sorry. I am just not feeling good today. I am not in the mood for "it". I am not in the right frame of mind."

And this is when I - surprisingly even to myself, lol- used all my female power over him and told him: 

"Gregory, I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. But you know, that does not really matter right now. Right now your job is to please me. At the moment, my needs are more important than your needs. This is how it is now."

I will never forget the look on his face that moment. Astonishment, surprise, understanding, acceptance. I could tell he had not been expecting such a statement from me. And at the same time he knew that in a domestic discipline relationship it is my "right" to make such a statement and to demand obedience even when he is overwhelmed by feelings from the realm of "real life". He did not try to argue with me. He knew I was right. But it was tough for him. 

That moment pretty much marks the change from "play" to "real life domestic discipline". He was not in control anymore. He had to do what I wanted him to do, despite the fact that he was not in the mood for it.

I did not make him get back in the corner. I made him sit down with me and talk instead.  I could tell that he wanted to end the conversation a few times, but at the same time he knew that I expected obedience from him and that obedience at that moment meant: staying and talking to me. So he stayed and talked.

We talked for a while, I told him: "Yeah, I understand, your life really sucks. All these problems. And on top of it you are not even allowed to come" ;-)
(He did not think that was a funny comment,  lol, but I do.)

For me, the fact that he stayed in the conversation, even opened up to me, shared some stuff with me, was very cool. I liked it a lot. And the fact that it was difficult for him made it even hotter for me. 

He did relax somewhat during our conversation. I threw some love bombs on him. Told him how much I appreciate him in my life. And after a while I told him that I am now satisfied, that I very much liked his obedience today and that he is now free to go on with his day.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

orgasm control

Most of the time Gregory has permission to jerk off whenever he wants to. His life is hard anyway, with me being so far away ;-)

But sometimes I just tell him: 
"No, you cannot play with yourself. I don`t want you to. I want you denied, and needy and horny as hell. I want you to wait till you get my explicit permission to jerk off again."

Usually the story goes like this:
He is obedient and does what I tell him to do. 
It turns me on so immensely that I tell him pretty soon again: "Now come for me".
Which he does, and I enjoy.
Win- win ;-)

Yesterday I told him again: 
"I dont want you to come. Wait till you get my permission again." 
He replied by texting me "yes ma `am ".
So far, so good.

 In the evening I sent him a message:
Gregory, you were allowed to jerk off yesterday night, you are forbidden from doing it tonight.
I made an executive decision. 
Instead of jerking off tonight I want you to write me 50 lines:
"Tina, thank you for keeping me denied."
Stay good for me, my pretty boy! 

It was not much. Just 50 short, sweet and easy lines. All I wanted was a token.

I woke up to an email from him in which he explained to me that he could not write the lines because he was too exhausted after a very long day. He was telling the truth, his day, especially his evening had been filled with other important things he actually had to do. But still, I mean 50 frigging lines of seven words?

My first reaction:
I felt hurt. I felt unrespected. I felt like a fool. I felt like an idiot. I felt not valued and I felt angry. I felt like: I am too fucking stupid to even be a proper domme to the guy I love. 
He is doing what he wants, and I am like a suburban housewife who is pretending to be a domme..

But now my process of coping started by "sugarcoating" the thing for myself. By changing perspectives. By trying to be open minded. By trying to put myself in his shoes, by giving him the benefit of the doubt, by finding lessons in it for me.  

I was asking myself: what can I learn from this? What am I learning right now? why am I in such a situation right now?

My experience is: people rarely try to actually hurt me. Its more that they are dealing with their own life, or acting in a "not ideal" way because they are dealing with own stuff.

For me, it is very important to be in control and big picture and forgiving.   I honestly dont remember one person I hold a grudge against. In a way, I try to see all people as teachers. Of course, it is difficult, and sometimes I am struggling with it, but in the big scheme of things it is highly important for me to not let the actions or words of other people affect me too much. 

I am a criminal law defense attorney in my heart. I always try to find mitigating circumstances in other peoples behavior. Always. And I do believe Gregory when he said he was too exhausted for it. 

He had had tons of things to do, and I had slowed down  his schedule quite a bit by asking him to practice drawing sketches with me in the afternoon for about an hour. Which he had done and which I had enjoyed very much! But still, I wanted to teach him a lesson. I wanted him to know: it pays to be obedient. So I sent him the following message:

Gregory, I am so sorry to hear that you could not write the lines. 
I understand you were too exhausted. I know you had a very long and busy day yesterday.
The thing is: I wanted to give you the most wonderful release this morning. I wanted you to come for me and come under my guidance this morning, and wanted you to be all relaxed and content and happy when you start your super busy wednesday. 
Unfortunately, you didn't write the lines, which means you can't get a release today. 
I hope your hot, sexy cock is not making too many problems today. You have to somehow find a way to deal with being horny and denied today. 
Sorry, my pretty boy. You know, I love your cock. And I love playing with your cock, but we can't do it today.
He took it well. He obediently accepted my decision and I got a "yes ma ´am " from him. 

We had a good conversation later today. He is denied but happy, I am happy too and I am enjoying the fact that he is denied. He tells me often that he loves me. And me, I am so much in love with this guy, there are no words for it :-)

Sunday, August 14, 2016

it feels so warm

Spending time with Gregory feels so unbelievably warm and good and familiar, it is as if we knew each other for a long time already. We spent hours together again today, "drawing sketches" together. He is a wonderful teacher and he is  like a muse to me. He inspires me to rediscover old and hidden feelings. My love for art and music is back. I am open and receptive for the beauty of art again.

I had wanted a guy like him for a very very long time. I am sure that it is no coincidence that he is in my life now. I know I attracted him into my life. I had even prayed for him and me and us, during my months of doing nothing but internal, emotional work.  So, in a way, it is no surprise that he is in my life now. I can honestly say: I had done my emotional homework ;-) 

It is very easy with Gregory. Most of the time I can read him pretty well. He is open and outgoing and good at socializing with people. And he likes to brag about me being his girlfriend as much as I like bragging about him being my boyfriend ;-)

I sent him a text message the other day, and  I told him: "I need to talk with you about something. And I need to do it in writing, because I am too shy to say it in a real conversation".Then I was sharing with him some of my personal insecurities regarding being kissed. I was very nervous when I did that, but he was super sweet. He replied by saying: "Yeah, I had thought about this subject recently. And I am all like: I hope I am doing ok". 
I LOVED his reaction. 
And for the record: he is doing more than ok ;-)

I did not do anything kinky with him recently. Real life had been challenging a bit, and I preferd hanging out with Gregory and talking and laughing with him. 

I know he has physical needs. He is a man. Unfortunately for me, I think he is craving more physical stuff than  mental D/s. That, obviously, is a problem. He wants/needs something and I cannot deliver at the moment. We are trying to figure out what to do with it...

With me and my needs it is much easier: For instance when I hear him address me as  "Ma `am" , I am almost immediately ready to come. I just LOVE when he does that. 

One night, when he was just about to go to bed, and I was already up for my day,  we skyped and I told him to get undressed and to stand in the corner for me. I had not even been planing anything. I just went with the flow. And it felt right to be strict and demanding with him that night. So I made him stand in the corner and I let him stand there. It was a peaceful morning in Germany, and he later told me that he could hear the german birds sing, while he was standing in his corner in the US. He did not have much other distraction, because I was making him stand there a loooooooong time. 

He was all submissive and obedient. I gave him some orders once in a while. Made him change positions, sometimes scolded him for fidgeting, told him that he is my boy now and that he is mine now. I  let him know over and over again how beautiful he is and how much I enjoy having him in my life.  He was totally doing whatever I wanted him to do. It was very very hot for me, to say the least. 

I was so very much enjoying that beautiful naked  man standing there just because I wanted him to, it was WON-DER-FUL. 

He served me for full 90 minutes. You might think; "what's the big deal with 90 min?" But let me assure you, standing in a corner for 90 minutes is not easy at all. Try to do it yourself ;-)  It takes a lot of dedication and a lot of submission. And: He did not get any sexual stimulation during that time, whereas I absolutely used the time to play with myself ;-)  

In sum: I am very glad Gregory is in my life now! He is a very pretty boy, inside and out.

Friday, August 5, 2016

It´s cruel to be nice?

Real life has come in the way for Gregory and me a bit recently. He had to focus on buying car(s) and he is super busy in his job.  I was in Berlin meeting people and working on highly emotional stuff with them. I was somehow dealing with the german -israeli relationship and we were talking about world war 2 and all sorts of related subjects. Heavy subjects. Very heavy subjects.

In the evenings, I just fell into my hotel bed in Berlin and slept immediately. I was completely drained. I had to process so much in Berlin, I did not feel like playing at all.

I texted with Gregory and even skyped with him a few times. And I told Gregory something along the line of: "I know, I am somewhat neglecting you at the moment, but you are just so damn cute and I just "have" to be nice to you at the moment. It´s impossible for me to "punish"you or to be "mean" to you. You are so sweet and all I wanna do at the moment is to caress you and be nice to you." 

And Gregory replied by texting: "it´s cruel to be nice"

I have been pondering about his words a lot. 
I want him to be happy with me. 
I want him to be fulfilled with me.
I dont wanna do anything wrong. 
I am always a bit afraid that what I am offering to him is not good enough.

I dont want to be cruel to him. 
Being cruel does not turn me on. 
And I really don`t wanna be cruel to him by being nice to him. 
I want to be nice to him because he is a very warm and good man. He deserves to be treated nicely. It is fun for me to be nice to him. It makes me happy to be nice to him. It makes me feel good.

Sometimes I just want to hang out with him, talk about food or coke zero or how to mow the lawn. I need these moments because they make me happy and they make me regain my strength. I need these moments when I have his shoulder to lean on or his arms to relax in.

For me, these moments are as important as the kink. Actually, the kink is most fulfilling for me when I have these vanilla and nice moments with the man too.

I think for me it is like this:
The man, by submitting to me in the kinky/domestic discipline context, "proves" to me that I am special to him. He allows me to do things with him and to him, that other people can't do to him.

His submission to me in the kinky context allows me to "let go" a bit of my tension in the vanilla context. For me, it is generally quite difficult to show weakness and exhaustion. I am so used to being the strong one, that showing anything but strength does not come easily to me at all.

In a way, these "vanilla" moments are some sort of foreplay for me. I need these moments with the man in order to recharge my energy. Once my energy is back, there is no doubt what I want:
I want his submission and his obedience and I want to hear him say "yes ma` am".  I want to play with his cock and keep him denied, I want to give him a spanking, I want to play with his ass, I want him to lick my pussy, I want him to present his ass to me during a caning, I want to send him to a corner for punishment, I want him to write lines for me, I want to hear his voice change its color into submissive mode,... I want him to be my submissive pretty boy.

In sum: I am not trying to be cruel when I am being nice to Gregory.
For me , it works like this:
Be nice to me and let me be nice to you, and then will I be "cruel" to you ;-)

Not sure if this makes sense to you, but it totally does make sense to me.