Thursday, November 24, 2016

this might surprise you

For me, the submission of Gregory to me is a gift. A gift from him to me.
His submission turns me on, it makes me hot, it helps me to feel awesome. 
I am enjoying his submission immensely. It makes me feel alive and vibrant.

As with all gifts though, I dont have any influence on whether I will get it or not. Sometimes I do get what I want, sometimes I dont get it. 

Whether I will receive a gift or not is not something I have control over. When I decide that I want something, for example his time, his attention, his input, his obedience etc. and when I "force" the man to give it to me, it is not a gift anymore. 

I dont want to "force" Gregory  to do or not do something.
I dont want to put him under pressure in order to get something from him.
I want him to give it to me freely.
I want him to give it to me because he wants to make me happy.
I want him to push himself in order to make me happy.

If Gregory somehow signals me "I am not enjoying that and I dont want to do that", I am immediatley  stopping whatever it was I intended to do. And note. i am not speaking about consent or consent violation here. I am talking about things that are within his limits, but he is just not enjoying/wanting it on a kinky level.

I know, I know, this  probably sounds pretty soft and not very domme-y ;-)
Gregory said recently to me: "you cant`t be mean. It´s not in your nature."
I do think though that I can be as mean as every other human being. 
The only difference is: in my relationships and especially in a domestic discipline/kinky relationship I do not want to be mean. I want to shower him with love and I want to be showered with love too.

I love to tease the man, and challenge him, and make him feel uncomfortable, but only if he is generally enjoying what I am offering and only if he is agreeing to it.

It turns me on to have control over a man. I like orgasm control and it makes me hot to think that Gregory  cannot come at the moment because I told him to keep his hands off of his cock.I am willing to throw myself fully in the kink.  And if the guy is obedient, it touches my heart. It makes me feel empowered, excited and happy. The more he is suffering for me, the better it is ;-) And Gregory is suffering for me , I am pretty sure about that. He has not been allowed to come in days. :-)
But the suffering has to be a gift. If it is enforced or if the man feels obliged to do so, it loses value for me.

I´ll give you an example: In my life as a dominant woman, I have sent quite a few men to bed early. I have given them an early bed time and I have used my full dominant woman weapon arsenal to make sure that they go to bed NOW. But I have never used that with Gregory. For some reason I think it is not something he considers to be hot. I think it is just not his cup of tea. Which is fine, because there are many tea flavours out there, and him and I enjoy drinking diet coke together anyway ;-)
Sending a sub to bed early is hardly something that violates anybodies personal limits. It´s a pretty mild but still powerful punishment. I think it is well within my power to use it with Gregory. But in order to enforce it, I would need to "force" him.  I am pretty sure that he would accept an early bed time, if I put him under enough pressure.  But this is exactly something I dont wanna do. I want submission as a gift and not as a consequence of a threat or because somebody feels obliged to do something.

So, Gregory can stay up as late as he wants to, and I keep enjoying the wonderful gifts he is freely  giving to me. :-) Earlier today, when we skyped, he gave me one of these gifts. We had talked for quite some time, and he wanted to end the conversation. But then I wanted to share a story with him or kept talking. I could have "ordered" him to stay and listen, but i did not do that.  If he had wanted to go, he could have. He knew what I wanted, but it was his decision whether he would end the conversation or not. And then  I saw how he sat back in his chair again, in a relaxed, open pose, smiling at me and signalling me with his body language: "Baby, I am here. I am all yours. I am listening. I wanna hear what you are saying." That was a wonderful moment. A gift after my liking :-)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

I fucking adore you!

Gregory is good for me. He makes me feel loved, and cherished, and valued, and seen.
Over the last months my feelings for him have become even stronger and stronger.  He brings out the good in me. He allows me to bring to life facets of my personality that have been dormant for a very long time.

I know, I know, you all wanna hear the kinky stuff. On the surface there is not much kink going on between us. For some reason I was not able to make him write any lines for me ever again. I tried  a few approaches, none of which worked though. 

But on a deeper level he is the most submissive boyfriend you can think of. Whenever I have a question, request, demand, need... he is there for me. Always. He is literally available for me  24/7. If he is busy at work, he gets back to me asap.

The way he is treating me is very calming and reassuring for me. It allows me to feel safe. It allows me to take deep breaths and relax. It allows me to "not always be active and do and give". 

I am learning constantly from him. I am healing old wounds from my past. And I enjoy every moment I can spend with him.

He listens to me and my stories, he makes me laugh, he opens up to me emotionally and shares his life with me. He says he is not good with words, but he sends me the most beautiful text messages and says the most wonderful things to me.

I did shy away from any kinky activity with him recently, because I was so afraid he might not like it. I was afraid that I would do something that could somehow make him leave me. Not that he ever indicated anything like that. It was just something I feared. 

 I know what it feels like to lose a good guy. And Gregory is definitely a good man.  I did not want to experience that again. So I played a bit safe and did not do kink with him. But that was just a temporary thing. I was overwhelmed by the love I am feeling for him. I can't wait to get back on the kinky track with him. :-) 

He is, as always, accepting what I decide. 

I told him a few days ago: "Gregory, I fucking adore you!"