Saturday, February 4, 2017

my feelings

Gregory asked me a few days ago: "Do you wanna go to a concert with me on October 23rd?" 

I had not expected that question at all, October is far, far away, but my spontaneous answer was "Yes, sure. I `d love to go there with you." 

He replied: "Ok, I will get tickets"

This was pretty much the end of that conversation. Nothing spectacular, you might think. Why is she even writing about this, you might ask yourselves. *smile

But for me, the beauty of that conversation lies in the fact that he is making long-term plans with me. I just LOVE that fact! 

October is 8 months away, I usually do not plan 4 weeks ahed ;-)
I am very spontaneous and intuitive. I tend to follow my gut and I think I am able to adapt to new situations easily. And I am a bit of a free spirit. 

I am also a very loyal person though. When I was a kid, my father was not always there for me. He was distracted by women and drama in his life. I missed him and thought of him often, but only saw him seldom. It felt like I was not important enough. It felt like everything else is more urgent than spending time with me. 

At the end of my father´s life though, out of the 4 kids he had with 3 women, I was the only kid who had still contact with him, supported him and wished him well.
Taking care of people and being there for them comes very naturally for me. 

But being taken care of, and cherished, and seen as important by a man, that is still something unfamiliar for me. I guess it is not always easy for Gregory to deal with these facets of my personality. On the one hand I am dominant and tough and I know exactly what I want and how to do/get it. And on the other hand there is this  small, timid, little girl in me that is asking silently: "Really? you really care about ME? You really think I am important?"

For me it is important to not be a burden to somebody. I do have my wants and needs, but if I think these needs are a burden to the other person, I tend to withdraw myself immediately. To a degree it is very easy for me to open up emotionally. I can easily share my dreams, wishes, hopes, kinks, wants and needs etc with other people. 

But sometimes when I do that, and when the other person does not jump immediately into "Sure, I am going to fulfil your needs right away - mode", I tend to develop this attitude of "fuck you, I dont need you. Your rejection does not mean anything to me. Reject me as much as you want, I am able to do my own stuff anyway".

It´s a childish way of dealing with things, I know. But hey, this is just what I am sometimes doing. I am just being honest with you :-)

One of these situations happened a little while ago. I was staying at Gregory´s house, I was horny, I wanted this great man for myself, wanted to play with him, wanted to touch him, wanted to watch him, wanted to start a scene with him.

But he was busy or not in the mood for it, or my timing was bad, or whatever. The gist of it was: I wanted to do kinky things but it did not happen.

And all these feelings of being not good enough, not important enough,  got triggered in me. It felt like: The things I am offering to him are not good enough. I am not good enough.

I said to him: "You know what, let´s just end doing kink. Let´s just giving up the kink. Let´s just have a vanilla relationship."

He stayed calm though and replied: "Tina, don`t do this. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." His calmness was very reassuring to me. It helped me to understand that old feelings got triggered, that I was feeling "old pain", that he was not rejecting me at all.

We went on with the day, and only a little while later I got a chance to spank his pretty butt. Which -of course- I very much liked to do. He has the most spankable butt you can imagine ;-)