Things between Gregory and me are getting more and more serious. Serious in a very good way. I met his family, he met my family, both of our families "approve" of the partner, we spent some time together in a different country and Gregory and I also had some professional success together.
We see each other quite regulary, and talk/text daily. Things are good in my life :-)
I love touching Gregory. Always and everywhere. I think he is still a bit uncomfortable with my public displays of affection, but he is getting more and more used to it. As soon as he is within my reach, I usually reach over and touch him. I just want to feel him and feel connected with him. I have explored and touched his whole body many times, and I love his pretty body. Touching this man is something that never ceases to bring me happiness and pleasure.
And something wonderful has happened: Gregory somehow found a way to teach me the joy of kissing. In the past I had a reputation for not kissing at all. When a man wanted to kiss me, I always declined. I thought it just does not do anything for me. I was convinced that kissing is just not my thing. But now, with Gregory, I am the one who is constantly initiating deep and wonderful kisses. Kissing him is just amazing :-)
"Fur sissy" wote a very interesting post a little while ago. Titled: "My Thoughts on D/s and Depression". You can find the link HERE. He wrote among else: "D/s is my sanctuary because it carves new tablets for me to focus on. Her (the woman´s) happiness is what matters. her will is what matters. These newly carved words bury the old and silence their ache. When my depression kicks up, the demons are barely an annoyance. I don't care what they have to say because she (the woman) is all that matters. D/s is my anti-depressant. It is my source of meaning. It is what saves my soul."
I commented on his post and said:
"Fur, Your posts recently trigger some difficult stuff in me.
From my perspective it feels like the job is too difficult for the dominant woman. I tend to be one of these persons who give and give and give in order to get love and to be "seen". And in my relationships I had often situations where the submissive man was depressed and looked for me for directions. I always jumped into it. He was completely focused on me. I enjoy being the helper, the rescuer, but there often comes a point when I realize: I dont get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back. And I hate these moments. I feel like a fool, I feel needy and unloved.
The power you give the woman (or dream of giving the woman) scares me. It is impossible for any human being to save another person. I know what I am talking about, I have tried that sooooo many times....And from my point of view, the ideal that you are describing sets the woman up for failure. I mean, what are the chances of her getting through to you that you actually ARE loved and valued?"
Lady Grey read my comment and gave some helpful advise:
Tina - Do you feel that you are a naturally dominant woman? If not, I can easily see why you feel as though being in that role is just too hard. At least 90% of the responsibility for the success of a Femdom relationship lies in the hands of the female. There is just no getting around this. If one is naturally dominant, it's much, much easier to accept and deal with this responsibility. If you are not naturally dominant, it's virtually impossible to stand such "pressure" for long periods of time. I think it's important to examine one's self in light of this difference.
How would you classify yourself? How would you classify your sub? If you are a natural dominant (and I think that you feel that you are), it will be very hard to take on all that responsibility with a sub who is not naturally submissive. You will not get the feedback you need and deserve for your efforts if you're dealing with a person without your commitment to the dynamic. That would inevitably lead to frustration and/or depression on your part. As you say "...there often comes a point when I realize I don't get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back." So it becomes very important that you also examine the nature of the submissive with whom you are dealing. Much of the problem may lie right there. Before you beat yourself up too much, take a close look at the basic nature of the person you're dealing with. It just might clarify things a bit. No one wants or needs to operate in a vacuum, and that certainly holds true for a Femdom.
I pondered Lady Grey´s words for a while now. Would have been very helpful for me to have heard these words years and years ago already;-)
Yes, I feel that I am a naturally dominant woman. I am also a woman who loves to care for and nurture her man. Already when I opened this blog in 2010 I wrote: "I am looking for a man who is independent in real life, someone who is willing and able to commit to our relationship. A man who does not expect me to be the ruthless dominatrix 24/7 but who is nevertheless accepting that I am in charge. If there is- in my oppinion- need for a punishment, the guy has to have the ability to come to terms with everything I administer. Spankings, corner time, writing lines, doing chores, early bed times, orgasmus denial, scolding, humiliating or any other punishment might be in store for him. Someone who wants to get both my love and my correction."
Generally speaking: I want submission as a gift. I dont want the man to "play" anything for me. I am not into role play. I dont want submission out of pitty. And I dont wanna force a man into submission. I want him to want it. And I want him to submit to me freely and willingly.
I tried to find out where Gregory stands when it comes to dominance and submission. We had a heated conversation about it. He had found my blog, this in itself shows that we share some interests ;-) But: In my opinion he is into different aspects of bdsm than I am.
*I like to be called "ma `am" , he thinks that is silly. (Gregory, if you are reading this: lol, I know it is silly. But still, it is hot for me ;-) )
*I want to have a female led relationship, he wants kink only once in a while.
*He sees caning as some form of art. In his eyes it is something that needs to be done with skill and knowledge and artistry. Me, I dont care at all about any art aspect in it. For me it is all about the mental element. This is one of the reasons why punishment lines work so well for me too. Gregory however is mostly interested in the pain.
I had caned a guy before and it went well. I tried to cane Gregory once or twice or maybe even three times, but it was not something that neither one of us enjoyed too much. I am just not skilled enough in it for him. And once he started to teach me how to cane him, I became all defensive and shut down emotionally. This led to him feeling that it is "unsafe" for him to let me cane him. Gregory telling me that he feels "unsafe" with me made feel sad, which led to him feeling like he cannot share his feelings with me... and in the end it was all a big emotional mess.
And the caning situation stressed me. I told him: "Gregory, if you really want and need a severe and properly executed caning, feel free to go and see a professional dominatrix. I dont want to prevent you from having your needs met. You deserve to get what you want. I know I did not deliver and I dont want to be in your way."
For a while it seemed to me like we are getting turned on by completely different things. I was pretty much at loss on how to proceed and what to do.
Both Gregory and I could feel however that our relationship is worth fighting for.
That´s why we focused on the vanilla aspects of our relationship for a while. We both felt like: "let´s not rock the boat" for a while. I think that was a smart thing to do. By focusing on the vanilla aspects we were able to get to know each other better. We were able to build up even more trust. We were able to understand each other even more.
I saw Gregory just a few days ago. We spent a very good time together. We both enjoyed our time together immensly. We love each other and being together with him makes me happy.
Life is good!