Lately, I’ve found myself reflecting deeply on what it truly means to be a guide, a mentor, and a Dominant. Not long ago, I came across a statement on that stuck with me:
“If you know me, my goal is to change one’s attitude and behavior to become the best version they can be.”
It’s a beautiful sentiment, and for a long time, I felt the same way. I wanted to have a positive impact on the lives of those who chose to submit to me, to help them grow, and to guide them to a better place.
But as the years have passed, I’ve started to question whether it’s really my job—or even my right—to take on so much responsibility for another person’s growth. Where does my role as a Dominant end, and where does their personal journey begin? One of the most important things I’ve learned is that true growth can’t be forced. No matter how much I care or how much I want to help, I can’t make someone change or “improve.” Real, lasting transformation comes from within. Each of us has to walk our own path, at our own pace.
As a Dominant, it’s tempting to believe that I can shape someone into their best self. But the truth is, my role isn’t to mold or fix anyone. My role is to create a space where growth is possible—to offer support, structure, encouragement, and sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction. But the actual work? That belongs to them.
What makes D/s relationships so special is the element of consent. Growth in this context is a collaborative process. We set goals together, check in with each other, and move forward at a pace that feels right for both of us. It’s not about imposing my will or vision on someone else, but about walking beside them as they discover what’s possible for themselves.
I’ll be honest—sometimes, it’s very hard to accept when a man I care for, or cared for, isn’t living up to what I see as his potential. I’ve come to realize that this struggle is, in part, a reflection of my own journey. I wrestle with not always living up to my own potential, and sometimes I project that frustration onto others. I had to learn the hard way that, even in D/s, subs are their own masters in life—despite having a Domme! There are moments when I still look up a former boyfriend of mine on Fetlife, and I get triggered by the thought that he still isn’t living his potential—or at least, not the potential I saw in him. Or maybe, in his own way, he is, and I just saw something different. Who knows?
What I do know is this: it’s not my job to make someone grow. I can support, encourage, and inspire, but their journey is their own.
I’ve realized that it’s not fair—to myself or to my submissive—to take on the burden of their happiness or self-improvement. That’s a weight no one can carry. Instead, I strive to be a catalyst, not a controller. I want to inspire, challenge, and support, but never to take away someone’s agency or autonomy.
Ultimately, the best way I can encourage growth is by focusing on my own. I strive to be the kind of person I’d want someone to become: curious, compassionate, and always learning. When I lead by example, I invite others to do the same—on their own terms.
