Sunday, May 27, 2018

update

It has been quite a long time since my last post. I just needed some time to center myself and to take care of myself. I know, quite a few of the readers of this blog have been wondering how things with me and Gregory are and I can report that we were able to sort everything out.

Here is what happened:

After he left for the USA, I drove home from the airport and cried and cried and cried. We exchanged a few harmless text messages but both of us were dealing with the situation on his or her own. 

Things changed after I had published my last blog post. I had not told Gregory about my tears and the depth of my feelings and he learned about it through my blog. He asked me whether I did not think this was something that I should have told him in the first place, and not "the world" by publishing it on my blog?  I agreed with him and apologized for using that venue instead of talking to him directly. 

I use my blog as a means to express my feelings, as a means to sort through my own feelings, as a means to get clarity. And I understand that it must be difficult for Gregory to read about our relationship online. I try not to speak too much about him, but with him being such an important part of my life now, it is impossible not to mention him at all. 

Anyway: I wrote that post, he read it and we finally talked. (And everybody says: "hallelujah!")

I think that in Gregory´s eyes I am sometimes too sweet. I tell him nice stuff pretty much all the time, and tell him how awesome he is constantly. He sometimes tells me: "You are too kind". 

During that talk though I was not sweet at all. I really did bring it on. Whereas usually I am always thinking: "I hope this awesome man stays with me forever" I now had this attitude of: "If he leaves me now, so be it. I cannot change it." I told him some unpleasant things. Gave him a tongue lashing. And while doing that, I was sort of expecting him to reciprocate, to verbally lash out to me. I was preparing myself mentally for being told some unpleasant things too. He did not do that though. He chose the high road of listening to my feelings, expressing his own views and feelings in that matter and not trying to distract from it by bringing up my own flaws , (which there are many).

During these talks I was in Germany and he was in the US. And at one point he said to me: "I really hope you come to me again." He let me know that he cares about me. He let me know that he wants us to stay together. And he apologized to me again.  

I had already booked a flight to the US when Gregory got sick for a few weeks and a family member of him was involved in an accident. And I got to tell you, I felt so stupid and guilty. I had this feeling of; "why were we even arguing? life is so short, things can change so quickly..."

Some time later I was finally back in the US with Gregory again and things  between us worked out very well. We had a great time together. Both of us enjoyed it immensly.

Now I am back in Germany and looking forward to the next meeting with Gregory.

It feels like the fact that we had this huge argument on the airport and the fact that we were able to settle it is now a stabilizing factor in the relationship. The hurricane has cleared the air. It gives me a sense of safety and security to know that Gregory is still in my life. 
I learned that it is ok for me to express my feelings.
I learned that Gregory wont leave me, even when things get messy. 
I learned that he is willing to work on our relationship with me. 
I learned that we already are a team, much more than both of us had realized.




Saturday, March 3, 2018

reaching my limits

This is probably gonna be one of the most personal blog posts I have ever written.

Let me give you some background: when I was a kid, at around age 10, I was a competitive swimmer. I used to train so hard that I sometimes vomited after training. Nobody forced me to train so hard, I just did it because I wanted to be a good swimmer/student /girl and I did not  listen to my body and my limits. I just gave all I had. 

Years later, when I was doing my legal clerkship, I played tennis with some local house wifes. I participated in a smal tournament. It was a fun tournament, as far as I remember there was not even anything to be won. Nevertheless I ignored all my limits and I played so long that I broke down and that my team mates actually had to call an ambulance for me. I was taken from the tennis court right to the local hospital, where I needed to stay for a few hours. I had given all I had had.

Nowadays, there are days in my law firm when I see client after client after client. I encourage them, help them, solve their problems, make them laugh, give them a good feeling, give them hope, support them and calm them down. I give and give and give and give. And in the evening I go straight to bed, completely drained and spent, and with a hurting head. I just give way too much.

Ignoring my own needs, ignoring my own limits and ignoring my own wants is a recurring theme in my life. 

I have this general need, to make everybody around me happy. It is ridiculous, I know. Nevertheless, this is what I am striving for. And in doing that, I regularly come to my limits, and ignore my limits. And I regularly come to a point where I need to withdraw from the world, in order to "find" myself again. I spent hours alone in my room, just trying to concentrate on myself and on gaining my own energy back.

When I am with other people, it feels like I am so focused on them and their needs and making them happy, that I completely forget to take care of myself.

I think that is one of the reasons why I was searching for a  submissive guy. I wanted a guy in my life who puts my needs first, because I for sure cant be trusted with taking care of my own needs. I know that I can make a difference in other peoples life. And I thought that a submissive guy could make that difference in my life. But I realise now that this aint gonna happen. I need to be the one who is taking care of my own needs. I cant just outsource that to a submissive man.

Plus, in all fairness, I usually dont tell the man what I want and need. I just hope he will somehow know it.

This is something I need to change. It is my fuckig responsibility to learn to say "no", to learn to listen to my body, to learn to pay attention to my limits and to not give more than I actually have.

I drove Gregory to the airport not too long ago. He was nervous, the airport was a madhouse and it was unclear whether he would even be able to fly home again or wheter he would have to spend hours or days at the airport.

Gregory was nervous, and I was nervous too. I did not sleep at all the night before I drove him to the airport. I got up at 6 am, made him coffe, got the car ready, took care of all sorts of things, and drove Gregory to the airport. We were good in time. I was thinking of just stopping real quick and do the "kiss and fly" goodbye, without parking the car. On the drive to the airport though I somehow got the impression that Gregory wanted me to park the car and come with him into the airport. (I am not even sure now whether he actually wanted it or wheter I only assumed it...). Anyway, in order to make everybody around me happy, (and that "everybody" was Gregory...) I decided to park the car in a parking garage at the airport. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

It was a bit tricky though, because my car is nice and big and the parking spots in old parking garages in Germany are nasty and tight.

I tried one spot, my car did not fit in, and I drove up a level, found no parking spot, I dove up another level and tried a different spot. It was super tight though, I had to maneuver back and forth over and over again, and Gregory started yelling at me "What are you doing? I got a plane to catch. Park the damn car. Why are you making me late? etc etc etc."

Gregory stormed out of the car, I told him: "If you wanna park the car, do it," and I got out of the car myself, while the car was still only half in the parking spot.

Gregory however yelled at me again, telling me that I`d be doing stupid things, that I `d be making him late, that I`d be creating problems. He got his suitcase out of the trunk and started to walk away. I got back in the car, squeezed the car in the damn tight spot and run after Gregory. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

I found him and told him: "the elevator is over there". But there was no elevator, only stairs, so I took his suit case and carried it down the stairs, I was so full of adrenaline, the 20 kg suitcase felt like a feather to me. But still , in hindsight, I should have just left and let him deal with it.

We walked in icy silence to the departure counter, we stood there in silence for a while, but Gregory was convinced that I had created problems for him. I told him that I dont want us to part like that. I briefly kissed him once, as a way to say: "come on, all is good." But I did not get the feeling of "yes, all is good". I kissed him a second time, but still it felt odd. And when I wanted to kiss him a third time he rolled his eyes on me and moved away. This is when I finally left. I just said "bye" and walked away.

It was exactly as I dont want it to be, We left without a proper good bye, without being ok with each other, without having ended the dispute.

I went back to the car and cried during the whole one hour long drive back.

I had this overwhelming feeling of:
"Gregory, I am giving you ALL I HAVE. If it is not enough, I cant give you more,"

When I was home I saw that he has sent me a text message, still from the airport, and apologized for loosing his temper.

We  have not spoken about the whole thing yet. And I am really afraid of doing it. I am really scared when a man, especially my man, yells at me. It freezes me. Makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel small and petrified. 

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

it takes a real man to submit

In response to my "male submission"-post I received the following comment:

Oh, well, as you said you speak for yourself. Here's mine. The male slave is at the bottom of the D's hierarchy. First is the male dom, second is the female domme, third is the female slave and the bottom rung is occupied by the male slave. 
I do understand where the person who wrote that comment might be coming from. I have seen enough videos that depict the very same hierarchy that the commentator mentiones. "Male slaves" being treated like worthless worms, tortured and ridiculed by laughing doms or dommes. That is a scenario I have seen over and over again.

I can intellectually understand that this is something that has an appeal to many people. (Even though it seems kind of random to me that the dominant women are seen lower than the dominant men, but the submissive women are seen higher than the submissive men. Seems a bit inconsistent to me... But who cares about consistency when it comes to sexual preferences, lol.) 

Anyway, if you get pleasure and happiness out of consensually engaging in that sort of activity: Good for you :-)

The person commenting goes on by saying:

There is little "manliness" in a male who submits to humiliation and physical dominance. Their submission is an acknowledgement that they are less than and therefore they must submit to their better. Their true self is revealed in these moments. By kneeling, they acknowledge that they are not of the world of real men. To grovel is to lose that privilege.

I do think that  the person who wrote that comment and I only seem to speak about the same thing, namely "male submission", but that we are approaching the topic from completely different angles. We are looking at it with completely different glasses. And it is almost impossible to unite these different views with each other. It feels like he is a classical musician, telling me: "It is important to play the notes exactly as they were written by Bach." And me, I am telling him: "It´s jazz, dude, you cant play jazz without improvising".

In my opinion,  it takes an enormous amount of strength and greatness for a man to submit to a woman. And especially submitting to a woman he loves. The fact that he loves and cares for the woman makes him even more vulnerable. His submission becomes deeper and even more meaningful through the fact that the man loves the woman. 

(The dynamic between a pro domme and a guy who pays her for humiliating/spanking/degrading him is completely different. In such a scenario the guy can decide what he wants and how far he wants the pro domme to go. She is providing a service, he is the customer. That is not something I am interested  in at all because the man does not necessarily need to invest his feelings. I know, men sometimes do develop feelings toward the pro domme, but still, in a pro domme /customer relationship the man is emotionally much more in control than in a D/s relationship with his girlfriend or wife).

I have realized that in my life the kink only works with men that I can look up to in vanilla life. My ex boyfriend was one of the leading experts in his field in the whole US. And so is Gregory, only in a different professional field. I did not choose neither of them for their professional skills. But the fact that there is something in a man´s life that I highly admire him for is a huge turn on for me.

To me, it feels like this: I realize at a very early point that the man is awesome. There is no need for him to convince me of his awesomeness later on in the relationship. I have seen and acknowledged his greatness a looooong time ago already. He does not need to proof to me that he is a wonderful man. I already know he is.

Despite the fact that I know and aknowledge that the guy is amazing, I still might ( or do, lol) think that a discipline session is in order sometimes. We are all humans, and being alive means making mistakes once in a while ;-)

Spankings and domestic discipline can happen for many different reasons. Either for his benefit or for mine, and in the best case for the benefit of both of us ;-) It can relieve stress and tension, it can clear the air, it can be fun, it can be hot, it can be ... you name it. Sometimes I want to teach him a lesson and sometimes I just "need" the feeling of being in control.

Using a metaphorical language: In my mind, my boyfriend is "the king". He deserves power and admiration. And I know that I am his Queen. He treats me very, very well. We are on eye level. But on these certain days, when I want to engage in anything D/s, I want him to get off of his royal throne and down in the basement of the castle. I want him to give up his royal privileges and submit to my will.
Nobody is forcing him to do something.  And he is not always enjoying it, But if he submitts, he is submitting out of his free will. His true self is revealed in these moments. He acknowledges the fact that I care for him, that I might have a point, that I want his best. He acknowledges that he sees my efforts to be a good girlfriend, to support him, to make him happy. And even if he does not agree with me in thinking that a discipline session is in order, he nevertheless submitts, because he is the king and there is nothing more royally than a king wanting to make his queen happy. I want him to be strong and courageous and brave enough to hand over all the royal privilleges to me and to give himself fully in my hands. And in my opinion, it takes a real man to do that .


I like FL´s explanation: "I think your own embrace of kink is what allows you to see submission as a gift and the submissive as still manly." 

Sunday, February 11, 2018

male submission

A little while ago, when Gregory and I were driving in the car, we talked a bit about the kink and our sexual wants and wishes. Doing this in the car is easier for us, lol, because we can both look forward and dont have to look at each other. We are humans after all ;-) 

I said to him something along the line of : "I cant wait to spank you again". (I always say that, lol, because I am obsessed with his body and especially with his pretty butt.)

He smiled, but then he said: "I hope you dont think less of me."

I was not sure what he meant, and so he clarified: 
"When you spank me, when I am submitting to you, ... I hope you still see me as a real man?"

I reassured him quickly that there is nothing for him to worry about.

The longer answer to his question would be:

(And: As always, I am only speaking for myself. I dont know what other women think and I don`t claim to have all the answers. All I know though is how I feel in that regard.)

For me, the feeling that a man is "a real man", a manly man, a man who is standing on his own feet, is a condition precedent to giving him a spanking or starting any other kinky activity with him.

I am only interested in doing "this thing we do" with a man who is - in my opinion- manly, and strong, and awesome, and special. I need to be convinced of his strength and his manliness in order to only consider doing anything kinky with him.

I like the challenge such a man is offering, I like the resistance he is feeling towards submitting.

The less likely the guy is to "submit" in real life and towards other people, the more I cherish and value the submission he is offering to me.

I think it takes a real man to submit to a woman. It takes guts to go over a womans knees. It takes courage to give up control. It takes "cojones" to trust another human being with your body and soul.

Generally in life, if I sense weakness or deep insecurity in a man, my modus operandi completely changes. I switch into the role of the helper and supporter and encourager. This comes very easily to me. I dont mind encouraging people, but it is not a dynamic I am craving when it comes to my sex life. 

I love to dominate a guy who usually does whatever he wants. I want to top the top ;-)

I have written it in my blog a thousand times already, but it is still true: I see submission as a gift. A gift from the man to the woman.  

I dont want a man to go over my knee because he really fears me. And I dont want to have a guy over my knee who thinks that I am a free service provider whose job it is to spank him to an orgasm.

In a relationship, I understand that the man is giving me power and control over him freely. It is his call for how long and how far he hands over the power to me. 

Me, I have never ever let anybody spank me. I was never courageous enough to give up that much control. I do understand how difficult it is to just "trust and let go". So, with all that in mind, how could I possibly think less of a man because he submitted to me? 

The submission of a man to a woman he loves is, in my eyes, one of the most romantic and wonderful things he could possibly do. :-) 

Saturday, February 3, 2018

defining our relationship


I received a long and interesting comment recently. You can find Gigi`s comment here.  
"...You are really helping the world with your blog. I hope you care about that, but I'm also not sure if you do. However, think about it like this, you are being influential in a world where there is very little DECENT Femdom. It's hard on Google to find non-commercial Femdom blogs not by Dominatrixes and not to do with porn or anything visual. ...."
I am not sure if I am really helping the world with my blog, but I do agree that there is not much non-commercial femdom out there ;-).

I´d love to post more often, but I can only update my blog when I am in the right frame of mind. I usually dive deep down in the hidden parts of my soul when I am posting a new blog post. And doing this is not always fun and sometimes the words just dont come out of the innermost parts of my heart and mind.

There is not much domestic discipline/femdom going on in my life these days. Gregory is sort of reluctant to adress the topic, he has told me that if "the kink" is causing difficulties in our relationship, he is willing to not have kink but a good relationship with me. 

Both him and I value what we have in each other A LOT. Our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend is very good. We do get along with each other very well. We are immensly enjoying the fact that we are in each others life. He will be in Germany soon again, I am already cleaning the house and preparing everything for his arrival :-) .

I did not update my blog much recently because I felt like I got nothing to teach and nothing to share with the world anymore. I  did not feel like an expert on femdom anymore. 

The thing is, when I am with Gregory, besides doing all sorts of fun vanilla things together, we are also sometimes doing business together. And in that business he is definitely in charge. He is very good at what he does, and I am very fortunate that he opens some doors for me in his field. I am very thankful that he has taken me under his wings in that business context. 

In that field, our roles are very clear. He´s the professor and I am the student. I accept that role allocation because that is the "natural" order of things, with him working in that field for decades and having much much much much more experience and expertise in it than I do.

I follow and "obey" him completely in that area. And it is tricky for me to switch from being the obedient student, who is trying to please the professor, to being the dominant girlfriend who tells her submissive boyfriend to do or not do something.

I have not found a smooth way yet that allows me to be obedient and sort of submissive in one area of our relationship, and dominant and demanding in other areas of our relationship.
Therefore the kink has become fewer and fewer.

Most of the time we are completely on eye level with each other. Two partners on an equal footing with each other. And I think both him and I are generally fine with that.

Gregory does indicate, very carefully, once in a while that he is still willing to submit to me, but I got to say in all honesty that I rarely jump in on his insinuations. When he insinuates it, often I am not there emotionally yet. I still see him as the one in charge. I need a much smoother transition.

He tells me that he cannot just ask for kink. 

But I think that for me, to switch from being the "student" to the "dommey girlfriend" I would need  him to do do even more than just asking for it. I need him to actively initate it. 

I  would like to have some sort of a verbal prelude. Like him using words that let me know that he really wants it, I dont know, like "Ma àm " or  just any words that encourage me that he actually IS willing to play MY game now. It would help me if he let me know with words that he is already submitting to me. Like asking me stuff like: "Do you want me to do  XXX tonight?" Or  "Do you think I deserve an orgasm tonight?"  Or just something random like: "Is it ok for you when I bring the trash out now or do you want me to sit here on the couch with you a bit longer?" 
Just anything that lets me know loud and clear that I am in charge now.

Without his help, I just dont know when is a good moment for me to let my dominant side shine. I do understand that this is a weird statement. I mean: the whole point of dominance is to not have to ask for permission. But we are in an established relationship now that is way too valuable now for me to rock the boat. In the beginning of our relationship I let my dominant side shine without "asking" whether it is the right moment for him. And too often the moment was indeed not good for him. And that only lead to frustrating situations for both him and I. 

I am the one who is all for 24/7, remember?  It would make things so much easier ;-) 
As it is now, we never know what "mood" the partner is in at the moment. 

We had a funny moment the other day. We were returning home from shopping, I sat down on the couch, relaxing, surfing the internet, and he had to go back to the car about 5 times to bring in all the stuff we had bought. In between carrying the whole groceries in the house, he asked me: "Are you comfortable on the couch?" And I replied in all naivete: "Yes, thanks, I am." I thought he is just being nice to me. I had completely not understood that from his point of view his question  was not a question but a demand to get up and help him with the groceries ;-) From his point of view it was completely unfair that despite both of us having bought all the groceries together, he was the only one now who had to store it away in the kitchen. And the fact that I was openly relaxing on the couch while he had all the work to do seemed  unfair to him.
I only realised it an hour later or so, when we spoke about it. I felt guilty, because I dont want him to think that I am a spoiled princess who is expecting her boyfriend to do everything for her. That is just not how I see myself and not how I want to be perceived. I told him I will make it up to him by doing the dishes, which I did ;-)

One sweet domestic discipline moment did indeed happen just recently.  Gregory never cooks. But he sometimes bakes homemade chocolate cookies for me. I LOVE it when he does that. So , despite the two of us being "all vanilla" with each other, I made clear to him that I really want him to make chocolate cookies for me again. And he agreed to make them for me. I was watching tv, while he was baking in the kitchen. So far so good ;-)  But unfortunatelly he burned the first baking tray and the cookies were almost too dark. I was craving cookies so much at that moment that I said: "Ahh, come on, I eat them anyway ;-)" We shared the cookies and he said: "I will go back in the kitchen and make another tray for you."

My response, still sitting comfortably on the couch: "awesome!" :-)
He returned a while later with new cookies and said: "they are very dark". He handed me the plate with the new cookies and without thinking I turned every single cookie upside down, to see how burned they are on the bottom.
It was not meant in a condescending way, lol, I swear!!!! ;-) I really only wanted to see if they are too burned for me or not ;-)

Poor Gregory felt a bit offended by my "turning of the cookies", and took the whole plate out of my hand again while saying: "I will make a new plate for you".
For a moment I tried to stop him, I wanted to tell him: "Hey, sweetheart, you dont have to. I already had more cookies than I should probably eat, you have been in the kitchen for a long time now, I did not intend to cause so much work for you, I know you are tired too.".

But then I thought: "COOKIES, lol, I LOVE them. Let him work in the kitchen for my pleasure. My  attitude of "I am the woman, you are my man, it is your duty to make me happy" finally came to surface again ;-)

So Gregory prepared a 3rd plate of cookies for me. And when he handed them to me a little while later, they were perfect. The best cookies I have eaten in a very long time. Exactly as I love it. Warm, melty chocolate and made with love. 
The fact that Gregory had spent ages in the kitchen to prepare them for me made them even more delicious. :-)

I really do love that man! And cookies ;-)

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Last post for 2017

I did not post much in 2017. I made sure though to write one blog post each months. That is why I wanted to write at least a few words in december.

I am currently with Gregory in the States. We are having a great time. All is well, I am having fun.

I gave him a spanking and a nice handjob recently, and we both enjoyed that.

Hope you all have a fantastic 2018.

Monday, November 27, 2017

on safe words

The importance of a safe word has been emphasized. Here are a few thoughts, not sure though if they make much sense to you.

I can honestly say that I am not a huge fan of safe words. Nevertheless, if I recall correctly, I have given Gregory a safe word right from the beginning. I told him "Your safe word is "David Hasselhoff" ". In any interaction  between Gregory and me, Hasselhoff usually does not come up. And if Gregory suddenly mentiones Hasselhoff, I know for a fact that Gregory has reached his limits ;-)

I do understand that - in theory- a safe word is important. That´s why I gave one to Gregory right from the start. It was clear to me that having a safe word is the reasonable thing to do.

I dont want a guy to fear me. I have feared men in my life. I dont wanna fear people anymore and I dont want to be the one who is feared neither.

I dont want a man to do something for me out of fear. I want him to always have the possibility to say "No".

If a man has to obey me because he doesn`t have another choice, I am not turned on at all. I see this in court often. I "win" and the oponent "has" to do something. This is a completely different dynamic. And it is far away from the domestic discipline situations that I am craving. Domestic discipline situations that are based on love and respect and common goals, not on winning or losing. 

For me, personally, the whole safe word discussion does not make much sense anyway. I have never experieneced ever that a guy used a safe word with me. Never. Not one single time.

I do have experienced many times though that the guy just stopped  being obedient. Real life came in the way, or he did not like what I wanted him to do, or his mood shifted away from kink, etc etc etc. I never got an elaborate explanation. 

In  a way I do think that I can be a very demanding domme. I get turned on by things that many guys dont consider to be hot. That´s why I tend to lean towards the domestic discipline area and not to the bdsm playroom of this thing we to. I get creative ideas and I am getting turned on by  catching the man off guard. And many times the guy does not think at all that what I am demanding is hot. E.g: I once didn´t allow a guy to go to the gym for a few days. He hated it. Another guy lived in one of the upper floors of a high rise building and when I wanted to punish him, I told him that he must not use the elevator but walk the stairs up and down a few times each day.

When Gregory did the endless corner times for me last year, he wasnt in any bondage. He was able to leave the corner any time. The only thing that caused him to stand in the corner of his bedroom for "ages" was my word and his desire to please me. THAT was hot for me :-)

I think that one of the reasons why the "paddling incident" last year really threw me off balance is that it went against my most fundamental beliefs.  I dont want anybody to suffer because of me. And especially not a man I admire and love. But once in a while, I want him to suffer because he chooses to suffer for me, because it turns me on, because it makes me happy, because it satisfies a certain need in me.

I dont expect Gregory to suffer trough agonizing pain just because he thinks he is expected to submit to me. Actually, I expect him to let me know that he is is suffering in a "not good" way. There is no need for him to go through a dark valley of unpleasant pain, just because he wants to please me.  I can come up easily with thousands of other ways to get my dominant needs met, without him secretly praying for it to be over very soon.  

I dont wanna feel guilty for inflicting pain or punishment on him.  I dont want to have to apologize for my own domme-y cravings and needs. From my point of view, the safe word was as much for my protection as it was for his. By giving the man a  safeword I give away some control. I hand some control and some responsibility over to him. But as I said, Gregory did not use it and neither has any other man I ever interacted with. As we have seen, the safe word did not protect neither me nor him.

In my opinion, a safe word is like a pre-nup. You try to foresee all possibilities, but once real life kicks in, there are millions of situations that are not covered by the contract. And a good lawyer (like James or Dan, who usually look at things from completely different stand points) will have no problems to make a case for their respective sides.




Sunday, November 5, 2017

a paddling gone very very wrong


 FL has made a very interesting comment regarding my insecurities. He wrote:
If you can maintain the joy and wonder - without the insecurity - it can be a fairy tale that lasts forever.  
Before I met Gregory, of the many problems I had at that time, being too strict, too severe or too harsh as a domme has never been a problem I had had.

Being a domme and being able to "feel" the other person was something I was really good at. 
(Ok, it might be that the guys I spanked were lying to me... But I doubt that.)

I am not a heavy physical player. Meaning: I get turned on not by the physical element of being in control, but more by the mental element of it. That´s one of the reasons I was not afraid to be too hard on a man. 

I dont need/crave a lot of physical dominance to get my dominant needs met. E.g: I once told Gregory  ("just because I can...") not to watch a certain american football game on tv. A game he had really wanted to see. But he complied and missed that game. And even today, just thinking at it, makes me smile and turns me on. There was zero physical contact involved. Him not watching that game made me happy on a very deep level.
The underlying questions I was really silently asking him at that time were: "Am I really important  to you? Are you willing to suffer for me? Do you care about me?"
Him not watching that game helped me to believe that he did indeed think that I am quite ok ;-)

With Gregory and I, right from the start everything was different. One of the first spankings I gave him,  actually a paddling, went very wrong.

We were in a very nice hotel room, it was the evening of a great day, full of laughter and joy.  He had brought a paddle in the hotel and  he had told me that he can and has taken quite intense physical pain.

I am still cringing just thinking about the following. I tried to forget it for many months.

He was on the bed, I paddled him, he was quiet, did not move, did not say much.

And immediately after we left the hotel to enter the city night life, when we were on the street for about one minute, he got into a yelling contest with a guy selling food on the streets. Gregory completely lost it. The guy was an idiot, yes, but he was just a random street food seller, selling highly overpriced stuff to people. I could not care about him less. The events unfolded so quickly, I had troubles following the action. The two guys yelled and cursed at each other in ways I have rarely seen or heard in my life. I was just standing there, I did not even try to stop Gregory. The emotions were too raw and deep.

Somehow the two guys were able to not beat each other up  and Gregory and I walked away.

Gregory and I had a talk at the next street corner. I asked him what just happened. I understood that the street food guy was not the real source of anger for Gregory. And Gregory told me in uncertain terms that I had been too hard with the paddle, that I dont know what I am doing, that he fears about his safety with me, that he cant and wont let me paddle him again.  

(A day or two earlier I had caned him, but he did not like the amateurish way I used the cane. So he tried to teach me while I was caning him. I had told him: "You cant teach me WHILE we are in a scene. It destroys the scene/energy".)

And so, now on that street corner, he said to me: "I would have told you that the paddling is too hard, but you were very clear the other day that you dont want me to teach you. That´s why I complied and let you do your thing. I submitted to you. It was not good for me though."

It was all a big mess.

I just read the following comment on Dan´s blog : 

Even if we ask for more or harder, it can be difficult for the wife to gauge just how hard to deliver. She can judge by his reaction as to whether it's hard enough but it is difficult for her to judge how to ramp it up.


Anyway, I was the domme, I was in charge, and he felt terrible.

Not much to say in my defense but that I am very sorry and that I never intended to hurt him. 

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

fear of success


A Marianne Williamson quote came to my mind today: 
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Sometimes I am really scared about the fact that things between Gregory and me are going so well. It feels like I need to learn to understand that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to be pampered by a pretty, sexy, caring and empathic man. 

Figuratively speeking: I need to understand that my old mental programming has been updated now, and that the update is giving me much more opportunities, joy and happiness than I ever expected or even dared to dream of :-) 

I was 35 years old when I had my first relationship ever. My life, from the age of let´s say 15 to 35 was dominated by the feeling that I am a nice person, that people like me, but that I am not "relationship material". It felt like I could never find a man who would love me. A big part of my life was about "waiting and hoping" to eventually be found by somebody.

I threw myself into helping other people, I became a very successful advisor when it came to other peoples relationships, but entering into a relationship myself seemed completely out of reach for me.

When I opened my blog, a completely new world opened for me. Everything changed. I moved from "waiting and hoping" to "actively looking and searching". I suddenly was interesting to fantastic men. I got tons of emails and communicated with wonderful guys. And the guy who I now call "my ex-boyfriend" was gentle, and careful, and slow enough to let me explore this new world at my own speed. He understood that I am a "beginner" in the whole "relationship- world", and he was a great teacher. When things ended between us, I was heartbroken for a long time.

Now with Gregory in my life, it feels like I have finally arrived. I am not blogging much about him and me these days, because I have told you many times already how much in love I am with him and how wonderful he is.

We were swimming in the ocean recenly, just the two of us. The whole beach was empty, just him and I had the courage to go into the october sea water. It was so much fun, and it gave me another opportunity to touch him.

I feel a very strong physical attraction to him. I always touch him and kiss him, play with his hair or ears or just hold his hands. Being physically connected with him gives me energy and calmes me down at the same time.

We see each other quite often, taking into consideration that I am living in Germany and he in the US. I feel very close with him. It feels very familiar with him, very warm, very comforting, very cozy. He is always there for me. I know I can count on him. With him and through him, I see things and people and places I could not have dreamt of ever seeing.

I think that I inspire him, and at the same time I am being inspired by him.

It feels like I do have everything I ever wanted as far as having a man and a happy relationship is concerned

I was single for such a long time in my life that I now often secretly ask myself: "Is this really happening? This can`t be true, this is almost too good to be true."