Friday, March 17, 2017

Gregory and the big take away

In December 2010 I wrote a post that adresses a topic that is still very much on my mind. It is still very much what I think:

Over the holidays I have been reading many blogs on domestic discipline. Very interesting stuff... And one big question came to my mind:
How is it possible to get over my self-doubts?
Or in other words: Is it possible to be in a dd relationship and still have self-doubts?
To me, it looks as being a dominant woman in a domestic discipline relationship calls for the woman to be free of any fear that the man could actually end the relationship. Somehow these women on other F/m blogs seem to be able to believe that the men will stay in the relationship, even if the demands of the women are really hard to accept for the men.
I am in love with my man. Therefore I don`t want him to end the relationship. And no, he has not done/said/made/anything to give me reason to believe he wants to break up. And neither did I.
I am only discussing a theoretical question, that most likely has its source in my childhood.
Both Lady Grey and Ms Marie have written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most. (Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...) And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwheming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.
But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game. It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.
And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.
Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them, only waiting to start a relationship with them....
I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most...

Well, my dear readers, I can report that Gregory had the honor of experiencing the feeling of having a huge thing taken away. And he did not like it at all. And neither did I. I am writing this post in order to process my feelings. It still makes me cringe to think at that day.

It all started completely harmless. He was in Germany to visit me. It was his first trip to Germany ever and he wanted to dive into the german culture and the german way of living.

We drove to the big city, about 3 hours from where I live. Gregory did the driving, while I relaxed and enjoyed his presence. The deal was that he would drive to the city and I would drive back, so that he could drink some alcohol and enjoy himself in the city. Me, I never drink. It just does not do anything for me. So in theory, it sounded like a good plan.

The moment where I fucked up was probably right in the beginning, by not telling him that it stresses me to drive through or out of that city. I prefer if he does that sort of driving. But I did not tell him explicitely "I want you to drive back also" because I sort of understood that he wants to have a drink or two in the big city. And I really wanted him to have a good time.

On the way to the city, Gregory was so cute, he enjoyed driving on the german Autobahn and he was having fun, I think. So he said to me: "Tina, you know what, I will drive back also."

And I was super relieved and said: "Really? that´s awesome. Yes, please do the driving back home too."

But when we were in the city, he had a few beers and I started to think: "Damn, if he is drinking now I need to do the driving home myself."

I did not adress it right away. I think I could/should have at least asked him: "Hey, arent you gonna drive back? "

On that day, there was an interesting soccer game on, and Gregory had told me all day that he wanted to watch that game in a sports bar. So we ended up in a nice place with a lot of tv´s and we were watching the game together.

At one point I told him: "kiss me" and he did, even though he is not much into making out in public;-)

It was all a bit chaotic in the sports bar, because the bar, as so many places in Germany still, did not accept credit cards, and neither Gregory nor I did bring much cash. For a little while he was depending on my cash. Which was a very unusual situation for him, because Gregory is one of the most generous men I know.

He had ordered a beer and when he wanted to order another one I asked him: "Are you still ok to drive?"
He said: yes.
I asked him again:  "Really? Are you really sure?"
He said: "yes, I am. If you dont believe me, you can do the driving."
And I said something along the line of: "I dont wanna do the driving. I just want to be sure that you are still ok to drive. How am I supposed to know whether you are still fit to drive or not."

In my private life, I have zero experience with alcohol and how much one can drink. That´s why I wanted to be reassured by him. I did not want to drive back myself. I wanted him to drive. 

His behavior triggered some fear in me. I felt helpless and out of control. He was the one who had suggested to drive back home too, and now he suddenly wanted me to drive again? I did not want him to have another beer because I was afraid that then he would not be fit to drive anymore.

He felt limited and controlled by my behavior and questions and so he said to me provocatively: "You know what,  let´s pay and go. Let´s go right away. Let´s go right in the middle of the soccer game that I have been wanting to see all day." He stood up and went to the bathroom.

And I, I stood up too, went to the counter and payed. He returned from the bathroom, saw that I had actually payed, and we left the sports bar in icy silence, while the other guests where jeering on his team.

We walked silently to the subway, took the subway to the parkingplace where our car was parked, argued a bit and then he drove back home. It was a terrible drive home. I had a bad feeling in my stomach. And I guess he was not feeling good either.

My behavior had triggered some fear in him too. He later told me that he had been thinking something along the line of: " If only I had cash with me, or if only they accepted my credit card, I would have stayed there and done what I wanted to do, and maybe taken a train back home or a cab or something. It is not ok for any woman to treat me like that. I am my own man. I dont limit her and she has no right to limit me either."

When we were in my town again, he made clear that he expects an apology from me. From his point of view I had intentionally and without any good reason limited him from some harmless and well deserved fun. It was his first time in Germany. The super interesting game was on. He had only wanted to do what thousands of german men had done on that day too. Watch the FULL game and have a beer while doing that. He thought I had completely abused my power. On that day, due to outer circumstances, he was depending on me. It was my car, my cash, my language that was spoken and we were in my country.

He was royally pissed at me.

And me, I felt royally hurt.
My goal was not to limit him in any way, sort or form. My goal was to get back home safely without having to do the driving. I felt unfairly accused. The whole mess only started because I WANTED him to have fun.

From my point of view: If at least I had bossed him around intentionally, if at least I had had fun being mean and making him suffer. But in reality I was trying to make sure both of our needs were met. And the result was that we both were pretty unhappy.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

my feelings

Gregory asked me a few days ago: "Do you wanna go to a concert with me on October 23rd?" 

I had not expected that question at all, October is far, far away, but my spontaneous answer was "Yes, sure. I `d love to go there with you." 

He replied: "Ok, I will get tickets"

This was pretty much the end of that conversation. Nothing spectacular, you might think. Why is she even writing about this, you might ask yourselves. *smile

But for me, the beauty of that conversation lies in the fact that he is making long-term plans with me. I just LOVE that fact! 

October is 8 months away, I usually do not plan 4 weeks ahed ;-)
I am very spontaneous and intuitive. I tend to follow my gut and I think I am able to adapt to new situations easily. And I am a bit of a free spirit. 

I am also a very loyal person though. When I was a kid, my father was not always there for me. He was distracted by women and drama in his life. I missed him and thought of him often, but only saw him seldom. It felt like I was not important enough. It felt like everything else is more urgent than spending time with me. 

At the end of my father´s life though, out of the 4 kids he had with 3 women, I was the only kid who had still contact with him, supported him and wished him well.
Taking care of people and being there for them comes very naturally for me. 

But being taken care of, and cherished, and seen as important by a man, that is still something unfamiliar for me. I guess it is not always easy for Gregory to deal with these facets of my personality. On the one hand I am dominant and tough and I know exactly what I want and how to do/get it. And on the other hand there is this  small, timid, little girl in me that is asking silently: "Really? you really care about ME? You really think I am important?"

For me it is important to not be a burden to somebody. I do have my wants and needs, but if I think these needs are a burden to the other person, I tend to withdraw myself immediately. To a degree it is very easy for me to open up emotionally. I can easily share my dreams, wishes, hopes, kinks, wants and needs etc with other people. 

But sometimes when I do that, and when the other person does not jump immediately into "Sure, I am going to fulfil your needs right away - mode", I tend to develop this attitude of "fuck you, I dont need you. Your rejection does not mean anything to me. Reject me as much as you want, I am able to do my own stuff anyway".

It´s a childish way of dealing with things, I know. But hey, this is just what I am sometimes doing. I am just being honest with you :-)

One of these situations happened a little while ago. I was staying at Gregory´s house, I was horny, I wanted this great man for myself, wanted to play with him, wanted to touch him, wanted to watch him, wanted to start a scene with him.

But he was busy or not in the mood for it, or my timing was bad, or whatever. The gist of it was: I wanted to do kinky things but it did not happen.

And all these feelings of being not good enough, not important enough,  got triggered in me. It felt like: The things I am offering to him are not good enough. I am not good enough.

I said to him: "You know what, let´s just end doing kink. Let´s just giving up the kink. Let´s just have a vanilla relationship."

He stayed calm though and replied: "Tina, don`t do this. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." His calmness was very reassuring to me. It helped me to understand that old feelings got triggered, that I was feeling "old pain", that he was not rejecting me at all.

We went on with the day, and only a little while later I got a chance to spank his pretty butt. Which -of course- I very much liked to do. He has the most spankable butt you can imagine ;-)

Saturday, January 21, 2017

a very hot moment for me

Shortly after my arrival in the US, Gregory and I went to a Christmas party together. It was a very cool party. Great people, great food, a great atmosphere. I liked his friends and colleagues immediately and had a lot of fun there.

The wives and girlfriends of his colleagues were super interested in me. And we got along very well. The men were talking business and art and the women were talking "relationship stuff". It was one of the best parties I have been in a very long time.

Generally speaking: when Gregory goes to a party, he usually stays till the very end. Me, I tend to leave early. I usually "jump"right into very deep conversations with people and after a while I feel that the important aspects have been covered, and I am ready to go home.

I wanted Gregory to have fun, and I did not want to spoil anything for him, but I was still jet lagged and tired and after a while I was ready to go. I looked over to Gregory and the other guys, and I saw that they were laughing and drinking and having a good time.

I saw them and I thought: "well, this is gonna be difficult, to "make" him leave with me now." I was expecting some sort of "negotiation" with him. I was pretty sure that he wanted to stay longer at the party. And I felt that if he started to "negotiate" with me now, I did not have good arguments at all. He was having fun there, he deserved to have fun, I wanted him to have fun, Christmas is only once a year... but at the same time I wanted to go home.

Somewhat reluctantly  I said: "Gregory..."
He looked at me and asked: "You wanna go home?"
I only nodded.
And without hesitating for one second he said to the other guys: "I gotta go home now."
We said good bye to the other guests and were in the car on our way home within minutes.
He said to me smilingly: "I am sure the guys are confused now, lol. I have never left a party early like this."

I know, it seems like a small thing, but for me it was HUGE. I am not sure whether Gregory even knows, but his behaviour during this party was super hot for me. It was one of this moments of: "I LOVE this man!" I feel warmth and love flow through my body every time I just think at that moment. I was and still am blown away by his willingness to put my needs first.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

corner time for Gregory

Gregory and I finally have the house for ourselves. No family members around who might hear something we are doing. It feels wonderful to have the pretty boy all for myself!

Just recently I decided it is time for him to spend some time in a corner again. I had been pampering him a lot in the last weeks and I felt a need to make sure he understands he is not only the man I love deeply, but also my boy.

Since we started dating, Gregory has spent a lot of time in a corner for me. I just like watching him while he is standing there; and I like the fact that he does not like corner times too much. ;-)

For some reason though I had not sent him to a corner for quite a while. And it seems like the longer I wait to make him stand in a corner, the more time passes between two corner time punishments, the harder it gets for him to do it when I am finally telling him again: "Go, stand in the corner". I guess I have to help him a bit by sending him to a corner more often again. The sweet boy needs a firm hand sometimes :-)

He had to set up the laptop and the  "virtual corner website", and I told him to stand naked in the corner.  It was actually  pretty hot. I was in the same room with him, he was naked, I was completely dressed, and he had to follow the instructions of a virtual domme. I was relaxing on the bed and enjoying the "show".

In the beginning he was fidgeting a bit, but the virtual domme scolded him immediately for it and Gregory knew that the computer would add punishment minutes if he does not stand completely still.

After a while I got so turned on by the whole scene that I started masturbating. I used the vibrator that Gregory had given to me as a gift months ago. And the fun thing for me was: Gregory could hear what I was doing, but he could not really see it. He once moved his head, but my virtual co-domme did an awesome job in scolding him immediately and reminding him NOT to move or turn around.

So, while poor Gregory had to stand naked and motionless in the corner, I helped myself to a wonderful and fulfilling orgasm.

Life is good! 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

this might surprise you

For me, the submission of Gregory to me is a gift. A gift from him to me.
His submission turns me on, it makes me hot, it helps me to feel awesome. 
I am enjoying his submission immensely. It makes me feel alive and vibrant.

As with all gifts though, I dont have any influence on whether I will get it or not. Sometimes I do get what I want, sometimes I dont get it. 

Whether I will receive a gift or not is not something I have control over. When I decide that I want something, for example his time, his attention, his input, his obedience etc. and when I "force" the man to give it to me, it is not a gift anymore. 

I dont want to "force" Gregory  to do or not do something.
I dont want to put him under pressure in order to get something from him.
I want him to give it to me freely.
I want him to give it to me because he wants to make me happy.
I want him to push himself in order to make me happy.

If Gregory somehow signals me "I am not enjoying that and I dont want to do that", I am immediatley  stopping whatever it was I intended to do. And note. i am not speaking about consent or consent violation here. I am talking about things that are within his limits, but he is just not enjoying/wanting it on a kinky level.

I know, I know, this  probably sounds pretty soft and not very domme-y ;-)
Gregory said recently to me: "you cant`t be mean. It´s not in your nature."
I do think though that I can be as mean as every other human being. 
The only difference is: in my relationships and especially in a domestic discipline/kinky relationship I do not want to be mean. I want to shower him with love and I want to be showered with love too.

I love to tease the man, and challenge him, and make him feel uncomfortable, but only if he is generally enjoying what I am offering and only if he is agreeing to it.

It turns me on to have control over a man. I like orgasm control and it makes me hot to think that Gregory  cannot come at the moment because I told him to keep his hands off of his cock.I am willing to throw myself fully in the kink.  And if the guy is obedient, it touches my heart. It makes me feel empowered, excited and happy. The more he is suffering for me, the better it is ;-) And Gregory is suffering for me , I am pretty sure about that. He has not been allowed to come in days. :-)
But the suffering has to be a gift. If it is enforced or if the man feels obliged to do so, it loses value for me.

I´ll give you an example: In my life as a dominant woman, I have sent quite a few men to bed early. I have given them an early bed time and I have used my full dominant woman weapon arsenal to make sure that they go to bed NOW. But I have never used that with Gregory. For some reason I think it is not something he considers to be hot. I think it is just not his cup of tea. Which is fine, because there are many tea flavours out there, and him and I enjoy drinking diet coke together anyway ;-)
Sending a sub to bed early is hardly something that violates anybodies personal limits. It´s a pretty mild but still powerful punishment. I think it is well within my power to use it with Gregory. But in order to enforce it, I would need to "force" him.  I am pretty sure that he would accept an early bed time, if I put him under enough pressure.  But this is exactly something I dont wanna do. I want submission as a gift and not as a consequence of a threat or because somebody feels obliged to do something.

So, Gregory can stay up as late as he wants to, and I keep enjoying the wonderful gifts he is freely  giving to me. :-) Earlier today, when we skyped, he gave me one of these gifts. We had talked for quite some time, and he wanted to end the conversation. But then I wanted to share a story with him or kept talking. I could have "ordered" him to stay and listen, but i did not do that.  If he had wanted to go, he could have. He knew what I wanted, but it was his decision whether he would end the conversation or not. And then  I saw how he sat back in his chair again, in a relaxed, open pose, smiling at me and signalling me with his body language: "Baby, I am here. I am all yours. I am listening. I wanna hear what you are saying." That was a wonderful moment. A gift after my liking :-)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

I fucking adore you!

Gregory is good for me. He makes me feel loved, and cherished, and valued, and seen.
Over the last months my feelings for him have become even stronger and stronger.  He brings out the good in me. He allows me to bring to life facets of my personality that have been dormant for a very long time.

I know, I know, you all wanna hear the kinky stuff. On the surface there is not much kink going on between us. For some reason I was not able to make him write any lines for me ever again. I tried  a few approaches, none of which worked though. 

But on a deeper level he is the most submissive boyfriend you can think of. Whenever I have a question, request, demand, need... he is there for me. Always. He is literally available for me  24/7. If he is busy at work, he gets back to me asap.

The way he is treating me is very calming and reassuring for me. It allows me to feel safe. It allows me to take deep breaths and relax. It allows me to "not always be active and do and give". 

I am learning constantly from him. I am healing old wounds from my past. And I enjoy every moment I can spend with him.

He listens to me and my stories, he makes me laugh, he opens up to me emotionally and shares his life with me. He says he is not good with words, but he sends me the most beautiful text messages and says the most wonderful things to me.

I did shy away from any kinky activity with him recently, because I was so afraid he might not like it. I was afraid that I would do something that could somehow make him leave me. Not that he ever indicated anything like that. It was just something I feared. 

 I know what it feels like to lose a good guy. And Gregory is definitely a good man.  I did not want to experience that again. So I played a bit safe and did not do kink with him. But that was just a temporary thing. I was overwhelmed by the love I am feeling for him. I can't wait to get back on the kinky track with him. :-) 

He is, as always, accepting what I decide. 

I told him a few days ago: "Gregory, I fucking adore you!"

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

good times

Things between Gregory and me are good. Very good actually. 
Our relationship fine tuning is getting better and better. A dissonance once in a while is to be expected and something we can deal with.

So, what did we do?

I keep telling Gregory once in a while: "It´all your fault, lol. Keep in mind, if there is something not working out, you are the one to blame"
And he´s like: "Aha!" :-)

But in reality, if there is a problem in the relationship, I tend to ponder about MY responsibility and MY role in it. Not his. I am learning to give him the benefit of the doubt. Always. He deserves it. He is a good guy. I don`t remember one single moment when he intentionally tried to hurt me. He has opened his heart and home to me.

He is doing an awesome job in making me feel loved, cherished and valued. He makes me laugh. I admire him. He is reliable. He is supporting me in ways I had not experienced in my life before. And he is frigging hot. I am calling him "pretty boy" for a reason. I want to touch him constantly. When I spent time with him in the USA, I DID touch him constantly. And when I see him on Skype these days, I am longing for the moment to hold him in my arms again. :-) 

There is not much kink going on in our life these days. I tried to start a few kinky activities, but he did not have time or was not in the mood for it. I accepted it and did not "make" him submit to me. I guess I could have been more demanding and bossy, but the thing is: I don`t want to make his life harder. I could experience numerous times that he does indeed want to be obedient and good to me. He has proven it to me many many times. But when real life is on his mind and if I am in these situations forcing him to do kinky things for and with me, it does not relax him. It stresses him. And that´s not something I want. 

I am sure that things will be much more kink related again when I am actually living with him again. Long distance is challenging. And some things just cant be done "long distance".

I do have however found a way that always works for the two of us. Once in a while I insist that we spent some CFNM quality time in his bedroom. I tell him to strip and as soon as he is completely naked, he cannot "hide" his submissive side anymore. The sub in him is taking over in these situations. He is super cute in these moments.  He is emotionally open and pretty much completely unprotected. Completely focused on me. I LOVE these moments.

In sum:
there is one thing that makes me so happy these days:
Gregory loves me and  he allows me to love him with all my heart.
That´s pretty much all I ever wanted.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

what am I thinking ;-)

Lady Grey brought up a very good question:

"I know I have changed my behavior towards Gregory. I used to be fearless and bold. But now I am always double checking: "is this ok for you too?" It takes away all of my dominance".
Yes indeed, it does take away all of your dominance, and it's hard to know why you're accepting that since you also say:
"But I already told Gregory that I wont give up the kink (again). I am older now, and I know better what I want, and I know what makes me happy. And the kink is an important part of my personality".
I think the question she and many of my readers are asking themselves is:  what on earth am I thinking ;-) 

I can report that I am indeed thinking a lot. My brain is constantly working. And sometimes I am just thinking too much. And I guess this is one of the reasons that led to the strange situation between Gregory and me.

Generally speaking: I don`t believe in female supremacy. I don`t believe that women are generally better or smarter or better leaders than men. 

As far as the kink goes, I am not interested in role play or dressing up or costumes or leather and latex. I just get turned on by the idea that a loving and caring woman, in order to give her partner some needed and valuable guidance, uses domestic discipline and kink to bring him back on track. Domestic discipline, as I see and love it, is a caring and loving act.

I am a lawyer in my daily life. I counsel and guide people all day long. I give advice constantly. I am a bit of a know it all ;-) And from a young age on, I have helped tons of couples to save their relationships. I don`t want to sound too arrogant, but I am really good at understanding other peoples problems and I often see solutions and win win situations where other people don`t see them.

In the past, I loved domestic discipline moments when I thought I know something that the guy does, for some reason, not know or understand yet. Like: "I make the decision, I know what´s good for you". Eg: sending him to be early, because he needs his sleep. 

Another scenario that always worked for me was: Guy does something really dumb, we both know he did something stupid, and in order to move on and let the stupid deed behind us he gets punished.
Eg: sending him to bed early because he keeps texting and driving. 

One thing that also always worked for me was punishing the guy for a real life thing he had done, in order to stop him from punishing himself for it. Like: "I am the only one who is allowed to punish you. That self-punishing thing stops immediately. You are way to hard on yourself" 

Domestic discipline has also always been a great tool for me to confront the guy and to tell him: "Stop it. I am not happy about it/your behavior". 
I have to face so many confrontations in my business life, I just don`t want to have them in my private life . In my private life I try to avoid confrontations. But on the other hand: sometimes a confrontation is necessary. For me, in my line of thinking, domestic discipline was a great way to address issues, without actually arguing about it. I could let the guy know that I did not like something, without actually causing an argument. I could let him know that I did not like his behavior but that I still like him very much.

This was pretty much the situation in the past.
Then there was a paradigm shift in my life and in my thinking. I suddenly understood that most likely I do not know what is best for other people. I learned to focus on me and I learned to trust that other people are able to solve their own problems , even without me ;-) I had to learn that it is  not my job to save the world. I understood that every person on this planet has his or her own challenges and tasks to master. And that it is impossible for me or anybody else to "carry" a person over such a task. I had to accept that I can't save anybody from anything. Not even with the power of my love.

In addition to that: Right from the beginning Gregory told me that it would be really hard and difficult for him if I punished him for a real life thing. He said: "If I mess up in real life, I feel already terrible. And if I get punished for it by you, I will probably feel even worse."

Plus: Gregory is a super sound and responsible guy. He is dedicated to his family obligations and to his job. And he showers me with affection. Just today, for instance, he spent over an hour teaching me with endless patience  some -for me- new drawing techniques.

He makes sure I know where I stand with him. I never doubted even for a second that he thinks I am awesome. (well, lol, I actually am awesome in real life. It´s really hard not to like me ;-)  )

So, when he did not write that first writing assignment, I thought among else:
-he might have his reasons for it
-I dont know what´s best for him anyway
-he doesn't see it as a problem, maybe I am making a big thing out of nothing

But my "overlooking "it made the situation worse. I felt hurt and foolish. And I did not know how to address the situation. And him not writing the following 2 writing assignments either did not exactly help ;-)

We did however finally sort everything out. How? That is something I am gonna write about in my next post ;-)

Friday, September 16, 2016

finding the right balance between vanilla life and domestic discipline

Gregory said to me the other day: " I noticed you have not updated your blog in quite a while?".

And I replied by saying: "Yes, it´s difficult".

I did not write about it because I was not sure what exactly is going on between Gregory and I. And actually, I am still not sure what is going on between us, but I am in a great mood today and I think: whatever it is , we will figure it out. We always do :-)

So here it is, the latest update on the Gregory and Tina saga :-)

Let me begin by giving you an update on some fundamentals:

Gregory and I are still together.
We love each other.
I love him.
He loves me.
We hang out daily.
We laugh, we talk, we argue, we make plans for the future, we have each others backs.
We share our life together.
We care about each other.
He will come to visit me in Germany soon.
I will spend a couple of weeks over Christmas and New Years with him in the US.

In the last couple of weeks we were able to build quite a stable and solid foundation for our relationship. Spending time with him feels very familiar and warm. I trust him, I love him, I miss him, I wanna touch him, I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

One strange thing did happen though:

We stopped all kinky activity.

Or to be more precise: since I am the domme , "I" stopped all kinky activity with him.
And please note: the following words represent only my side of the story. I am sure that he would add a few facts that he sees to be important. All i am doing here is  sharing my side of the story.

I had given him some lines to write and he had not written them. This happened 3 times. The first time, when I asked him: "why did you not write them?" He said something along the line of: "It was such a beautiful night, I was sitting in the garden, and enjoying the peaceful, calm night"" And I was thinking: What???? At that time though, I was not in the mood for a scene and decided not to confront him about it. I just let it go. I thought: to myself "well, he has such a busy life, cut him some slack."
And keep in mind, I love this man, I dont wanna do anything he does not really want to do. So I tried to ignore the fact that he had not written the lines that I wanted him to write. I thought to myself: "Don't make a big deal out of it."

A while later I  gave him another writing assignment. He was super busy and could not write it.  i told him I am not happy about him not writing it, we argued about it, he told me that I am overreacting, that he cannot actually be there for me 24/7 and that - whether I like it or not- there are other things in his life he has to take care of too. He gave me 10 specific things he had had to do that day, and he told me that he feels I am treating him unfairly by expecting im to neglect all his other chores for a domestic discipline related writing assignment. He told me he had to prioritize.
We argued about it, we reconciled, we moved on.

And then it happened a 3rd time. I told him: "write me the lines, the lines that you did not write earlier, and write them till noon." And he replied with "yes ma `am." I was happy. I thought: "Cool, now we are back on track."
But I never got the lines. We argued about it and he told me that he could not possibly write the lines till noon and that I just don`t understand that he has a lot on his plate and that he is trying to make me happy but that my demands are just not reasonable, given his vanilla life chores and tasks.
I asked him: "why did you not just say so to me when I gave you the writing assignment? Why did you reply with "Yes ma `am", even though you knew you could not do it?
And he replied: "saying "yes ma `am", that ´s my default mode."
We argued and we moved on, because we both actually do like each other a lot :-)

By now the idea of giving him a writing assignment has completely lost it´s appeal to me. If he is not getting  some sort of good kick out of it, I am not interested in writing assignments at all anymore.
 i am tired of arguing about getting a frigging paper with some written lines on it.
It´s just not worth it. If he does not want to write them, I dont insist on him writing any lines for me ever again.
I told him that it hurts my feelings if he does not follow a kinky order.
And I think me telling him that my feelings got hurt makes him feeling very uncomfortable.
So due to the kink we were both feeling "not good".

For a while  I thought: "let´s end all dd activity and just focus on the vanilla aspects of our relationship."
At on point he made the same proposal to me: "shall we just skip the domestic discipline aspect?"

Gregory is always willing to talk about our relationship and his feelings and us. Which is a cool thing. He is the one who reminded me a couple of times by now of the importance of good communication. And I am willing to learn. As I learned in the past, my communication skills are not as beautiful as I want them to be ;-)

So i do know, that neither I nor Gregory want to give up the kink and domestic discipline for good. it´s a bit strange. We want the same thing, but we cannot find a way right now to allow for us to have what we both want...

I am not exactly sure about the time frame, but at one point I sent him the following email:

"I am not sure if you are completely aware of it, but there has been a  big " shift" in our relationship.
I switched to being a little girl.
That happened easily for me, because there is so much I admire you for in the real world.
I like it a lot that you are a real man who is used to taking care of your own business.
And when we are drawing sketches together it is only natural that you are in control.
All I do is striving to get your approval.
And at the same time, i feel sometimes a need to rebel against you, because from my pov you are so powerful now.
When we "argue" , we argue but there is no "amicable banter", there is no easy play.
I stopped dd playing with you, because I was afraid you did not like what I was offering. I did not want to force some play unto you."

After I sent him that email we argued again , lol.

He´s like: "You are the domme. Feel free to do what you want. You worry too much. You are doing fine. I love you.  I like what you are offering. Just bring the kink on."

All I know is: Gregory is exactly the right man for me at the exactly right time. It´s no coincidence that he is in my life now. He enriches my life in many many ways. I love him from the bottom of my heart :-)