Saturday, March 12, 2011

on weakness

As you all know, I am going through a difficult time. I am feeling tattered. The last weeks have had quite an impact on my well being. I had a family member admitted to the hospital last friday, and I remember clearly sitting in the ER and starting to pray, in order to not faint myself.

Right now, I do not know where to start in order to make my life easier again. I just do not know how to get back to my old relaxed way of living.

I told my man that we need to talk, but we have not actually had "the talk" yet. I guess neither me nor him is looking forward to that conversation.

Generally, my current situation is not a situation I would love to be in. The feelings I am having lately are not feelings I would love to experience. But hey, life is not a bed of roses. It just is the way it is.

The strange thing is: Some people (both  real life friends and internet friends) seem to have a problem with the fact that I am not always strong and in control. They are not used to see me so out of control and they just can not deal with the Tina I am right now.

On monday, I had a conversation with my best friend Paul. Paul is about 60 yo and knows me since I was a little child. We never had a love affair, but we spent many nights together in the same room and when I was working in the US, he came to see me and we had a good time together. I was always coaching him on his love life and he listened to my advice in regards to the relationship with his 2 sons and his exwife. I was always the one who knew what to do and who had an explanation for peoples behavior, acts and deeds.

Last monday however, we talked on the phone and I told him about some really difficult aspects of my life. And while doing that, for the first time ever with him, I started crying. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt devastated and I told him that I am feeling that way. I needed him  to be strong for me, to comfort me, to tell me that things are going to be allright again. But he did say not such a thing. Instead he started to attack me and to tell me that I am wasting my life, that I am living an illusion, that I am making the wrong decisions, that things will NOT work out in the end.

I somehow ended the conversation without telling him what an asshole he is....I am an attorney and I know all about good "walk away- statements". Statements that end a conversation and always give you the opportunity of having a good and fruitful conversation with the opponent in the future again. But I realized that Paul, my best friend, had become my opponent the moment I showed him my weakness. And I just did not expect that to happen...

Anyway, the thing is:

to all of you who are feeling annoyed by my constant whining

I am doing the best I can in order to not break down.

And to those of you who still support me:

Thank you very much. It means a lot!

And to the rest of you:

There will be a time when my posts deal with pure domestic discipline again :-)


  1. watliab sagt: es ist traurig das du dich so unvermittelt geöffnet hast zu dem du als deinen besten Freund betrachtest hattest und so entäuscht wurdest, aber ich schaue mal sehr gerne was du weiter schreibst
    lg watliab

  2. Count me in your team of supporters, tina. Sometime down the road you will look back and say "that which did not kill me, made me stronger." I think prayer is sometimes better than listening to advice from people who do not understand what you are going through. Hang in there!

  3. Dear Tina,
    I'm not sure whether something I could say here on blog could be of any help at all ... I suppose that it couldn't. So let me just say that I'm convinced that you will master even this terrible time of your life and become strong again ... most likely stronger than before.

    But in the meanwhile, continue to focus on yourself and on things which are helpful to you and contribute to your strength, ignoring counterproductive aspects.

    In my opinion, you for sure shouldn't think about the expectations of internet-people ... it shouldn't be of any concern to you, if they want to create and maintain their own special image of you.

    I wish you all the strength and health you need to overcome those times.


  4. Wow, so sorry to hear that you are going through hard times. :( It sounds like it's just one thing on top of another...etc.
    People have to be able to accept you for who you are--a human being who can get emotional, hurt, dissapointed, depressed. You sound like an AMAZING top to me...but that doesn't mean that you can't be a person. Maybe, and this is just an idea, you should try to show your "weakness" to people a bit more often. Break them in a bit,talk about it a little more, get them used to it. :p Just an idea.
    You do deserve friends and a special man who can accept you for your strengths AND your weaknesses when they push through your best efforts to conceil them.
    I look forward to reading your blog more.

  5. Hi Tina,

    Sometimes prayer is all we have to see us through difficult times, especially the type of difficulty you’re facing right now.

    I hope your family member recovers soon and that you can experience a better relationship with your American boyfriend. I’m sorry you’re experiencing difficult issues; I wish I could do more to make your life an easier one.

    I, personally, do not have a problem with you expressing your feelings. You certainly don’t need to be strong for me, or for anyone else. But for your friends, both those who you know in person and on the Internet, what can I possibly say other than these people need to be strong for themselves and quickly learn that you are a multidimensional person who is both complex and desirable in so many ways. For your friends to criticize you at all seems very wrong to me; they should be supporting and loving you. That’s what friends are for. If they can’t deal with the Tina who they think is “out of control,” then maybe they need to say nothing if they cannot be supportive.

    Paul, in particular, should know better, especially at his age. It was great that you helped him in the past, but with the large difference in your respective ages, he should have been the one who was helping you all these years, and he should be the one now coming to your aid and not telling you something stupid like you’re “wasting your life.” My reaction is to say, “Is that so?” “Just, exactly, how am I wasting my life?” Let me see: you’re a lawyer; you have your own law firm, if I understand your situation correctly; you’re working on a doctorate; you are *vary* carrying, almost to a fault; and you take on the troubles of others without asking for anything in return. Where’s the failure? So your American boyfriend is having “cold feet” and you like to be a dominate participant in a love relationship. Excuse me! How does that even begin to qualify as “throwing away your life?” Paul is not only out of line, but I think he is very uncomfortable with your asking for his help when you really need it.

    You are not living an illusion! It’s perfectly OK to cry, and I encourage it whenever you feel like it. In fact, you don’t need anyone’s permission to express your emotions the way you have. You are deserving of support, empathy, understanding, and love. And above all, you have a perfect right to be comforted!

    After you calm down, you might consider writing Paul a brief letter to tell him how disappointed you are with him and that he has deeply hurt your feelings and has irreparably damaged your friendship.

    Tina, as for your life turning out well, it already has! I am very proud of your accomplishments, and in a very short time you will find the right man for you. I know that to be true in my heart and it’s something I feel in my soul. So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, for these nattering neigh bobs of negativism don’t know what the hell they are talking about!

  6. You are an amazing Lady and things will get better for you there is no doubt about that.
    Life has its ups and downs and we all have times in life that are tough.You are a strong woman and you will get past this and be stronger for it.

  7. If someone is strong all the time, they would not be able to be vulnerable, and that would mean they could never truly connect with or know another, or themselves.
    Value your humanity.
    "It is through our humanity that we find our divinity"

  8. I've just started to read your blog Tina, and will continue to do so. I'm very impressed.

    By the way, I don't recommend Annapurna's suggestion that you write Paul a letter telling him what you don't like! In my experience that kind of event is best let go of.

  9. "There will be a time when my posts deal with pure domestic discipline again."

    I only started reading your blog today, but speaking for myself, I am happy to read whatever you post, I'm sure it will be interesting. Ordinary everyday happenings, even if they are problematic, are just as interesting as DD because they show us that we are not the only ones with problems and because we might learn something valuable by reading about them.