As you all know, I am going through a difficult time. I am feeling tattered. The last weeks have had quite an impact on my well being. I had a family member admitted to the hospital last friday, and I remember clearly sitting in the ER and starting to pray, in order to not faint myself.
Right now, I do not know where to start in order to make my life easier again. I just do not know how to get back to my old relaxed way of living.
I told my man that we need to talk, but we have not actually had "the talk" yet. I guess neither me nor him is looking forward to that conversation.
Generally, my current situation is not a situation I would love to be in. The feelings I am having lately are not feelings I would love to experience. But hey, life is not a bed of roses. It just is the way it is.
The strange thing is: Some people (both real life friends and internet friends) seem to have a problem with the fact that I am not always strong and in control. They are not used to see me so out of control and they just can not deal with the Tina I am right now.
On monday, I had a conversation with my best friend Paul. Paul is about 60 yo and knows me since I was a little child. We never had a love affair, but we spent many nights together in the same room and when I was working in the US, he came to see me and we had a good time together. I was always coaching him on his love life and he listened to my advice in regards to the relationship with his 2 sons and his exwife. I was always the one who knew what to do and who had an explanation for peoples behavior, acts and deeds.
Last monday however, we talked on the phone and I told him about some really difficult aspects of my life. And while doing that, for the first time ever with him, I started crying. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt devastated and I told him that I am feeling that way. I needed him to be strong for me, to comfort me, to tell me that things are going to be allright again. But he did say not such a thing. Instead he started to attack me and to tell me that I am wasting my life, that I am living an illusion, that I am making the wrong decisions, that things will NOT work out in the end.
I somehow ended the conversation without telling him what an asshole he is....I am an attorney and I know all about good "walk away- statements". Statements that end a conversation and always give you the opportunity of having a good and fruitful conversation with the opponent in the future again. But I realized that Paul, my best friend, had become my opponent the moment I showed him my weakness. And I just did not expect that to happen...
Anyway, the thing is:
to all of you who are feeling annoyed by my constant whining
I am doing the best I can in order to not break down.
And to those of you who still support me:
Thank you very much. It means a lot!
And to the rest of you:
There will be a time when my posts deal with pure domestic discipline again :-)