Tuesday, September 20, 2016

what am I thinking ;-)

Lady Grey brought up a very good question:

"I know I have changed my behavior towards Gregory. I used to be fearless and bold. But now I am always double checking: "is this ok for you too?" It takes away all of my dominance".
Yes indeed, it does take away all of your dominance, and it's hard to know why you're accepting that since you also say:
"But I already told Gregory that I wont give up the kink (again). I am older now, and I know better what I want, and I know what makes me happy. And the kink is an important part of my personality".
I think the question she and many of my readers are asking themselves is:  what on earth am I thinking ;-) 

I can report that I am indeed thinking a lot. My brain is constantly working. And sometimes I am just thinking too much. And I guess this is one of the reasons that led to the strange situation between Gregory and me.

Generally speaking: I don`t believe in female supremacy. I don`t believe that women are generally better or smarter or better leaders than men. 

As far as the kink goes, I am not interested in role play or dressing up or costumes or leather and latex. I just get turned on by the idea that a loving and caring woman, in order to give her partner some needed and valuable guidance, uses domestic discipline and kink to bring him back on track. Domestic discipline, as I see and love it, is a caring and loving act.

I am a lawyer in my daily life. I counsel and guide people all day long. I give advice constantly. I am a bit of a know it all ;-) And from a young age on, I have helped tons of couples to save their relationships. I don`t want to sound too arrogant, but I am really good at understanding other peoples problems and I often see solutions and win win situations where other people don`t see them.

In the past, I loved domestic discipline moments when I thought I know something that the guy does, for some reason, not know or understand yet. Like: "I make the decision, I know what´s good for you". Eg: sending him to be early, because he needs his sleep. 

Another scenario that always worked for me was: Guy does something really dumb, we both know he did something stupid, and in order to move on and let the stupid deed behind us he gets punished.
Eg: sending him to bed early because he keeps texting and driving. 

One thing that also always worked for me was punishing the guy for a real life thing he had done, in order to stop him from punishing himself for it. Like: "I am the only one who is allowed to punish you. That self-punishing thing stops immediately. You are way to hard on yourself" 

Domestic discipline has also always been a great tool for me to confront the guy and to tell him: "Stop it. I am not happy about it/your behavior". 
I have to face so many confrontations in my business life, I just don`t want to have them in my private life . In my private life I try to avoid confrontations. But on the other hand: sometimes a confrontation is necessary. For me, in my line of thinking, domestic discipline was a great way to address issues, without actually arguing about it. I could let the guy know that I did not like something, without actually causing an argument. I could let him know that I did not like his behavior but that I still like him very much.

This was pretty much the situation in the past.
Then there was a paradigm shift in my life and in my thinking. I suddenly understood that most likely I do not know what is best for other people. I learned to focus on me and I learned to trust that other people are able to solve their own problems , even without me ;-) I had to learn that it is  not my job to save the world. I understood that every person on this planet has his or her own challenges and tasks to master. And that it is impossible for me or anybody else to "carry" a person over such a task. I had to accept that I can't save anybody from anything. Not even with the power of my love.

In addition to that: Right from the beginning Gregory told me that it would be really hard and difficult for him if I punished him for a real life thing. He said: "If I mess up in real life, I feel already terrible. And if I get punished for it by you, I will probably feel even worse."

Plus: Gregory is a super sound and responsible guy. He is dedicated to his family obligations and to his job. And he showers me with affection. Just today, for instance, he spent over an hour teaching me with endless patience  some -for me- new drawing techniques.

He makes sure I know where I stand with him. I never doubted even for a second that he thinks I am awesome. (well, lol, I actually am awesome in real life. It´s really hard not to like me ;-)  )

So, when he did not write that first writing assignment, I thought among else:
-he might have his reasons for it
-I dont know what´s best for him anyway
-he doesn't see it as a problem, maybe I am making a big thing out of nothing

But my "overlooking "it made the situation worse. I felt hurt and foolish. And I did not know how to address the situation. And him not writing the following 2 writing assignments either did not exactly help ;-)

We did however finally sort everything out. How? That is something I am gonna write about in my next post ;-)

Friday, September 16, 2016

finding the right balance between vanilla life and domestic discipline

Gregory said to me the other day: " I noticed you have not updated your blog in quite a while?".

And I replied by saying: "Yes, it´s difficult".

I did not write about it because I was not sure what exactly is going on between Gregory and I. And actually, I am still not sure what is going on between us, but I am in a great mood today and I think: whatever it is , we will figure it out. We always do :-)

So here it is, the latest update on the Gregory and Tina saga :-)

Let me begin by giving you an update on some fundamentals:

Gregory and I are still together.
We love each other.
I love him.
He loves me.
We hang out daily.
We laugh, we talk, we argue, we make plans for the future, we have each others backs.
We share our life together.
We care about each other.
He will come to visit me in Germany soon.
I will spend a couple of weeks over Christmas and New Years with him in the US.

In the last couple of weeks we were able to build quite a stable and solid foundation for our relationship. Spending time with him feels very familiar and warm. I trust him, I love him, I miss him, I wanna touch him, I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

One strange thing did happen though:

We stopped all kinky activity.

Or to be more precise: since I am the domme , "I" stopped all kinky activity with him.
And please note: the following words represent only my side of the story. I am sure that he would add a few facts that he sees to be important. All i am doing here is  sharing my side of the story.

I had given him some lines to write and he had not written them. This happened 3 times. The first time, when I asked him: "why did you not write them?" He said something along the line of: "It was such a beautiful night, I was sitting in the garden, and enjoying the peaceful, calm night"" And I was thinking: What???? At that time though, I was not in the mood for a scene and decided not to confront him about it. I just let it go. I thought: to myself "well, he has such a busy life, cut him some slack."
And keep in mind, I love this man, I dont wanna do anything he does not really want to do. So I tried to ignore the fact that he had not written the lines that I wanted him to write. I thought to myself: "Don't make a big deal out of it."

A while later I  gave him another writing assignment. He was super busy and could not write it.  i told him I am not happy about him not writing it, we argued about it, he told me that I am overreacting, that he cannot actually be there for me 24/7 and that - whether I like it or not- there are other things in his life he has to take care of too. He gave me 10 specific things he had had to do that day, and he told me that he feels I am treating him unfairly by expecting im to neglect all his other chores for a domestic discipline related writing assignment. He told me he had to prioritize.
We argued about it, we reconciled, we moved on.

And then it happened a 3rd time. I told him: "write me the lines, the lines that you did not write earlier, and write them till noon." And he replied with "yes ma `am." I was happy. I thought: "Cool, now we are back on track."
But I never got the lines. We argued about it and he told me that he could not possibly write the lines till noon and that I just don`t understand that he has a lot on his plate and that he is trying to make me happy but that my demands are just not reasonable, given his vanilla life chores and tasks.
I asked him: "why did you not just say so to me when I gave you the writing assignment? Why did you reply with "Yes ma `am", even though you knew you could not do it?
And he replied: "saying "yes ma `am", that ´s my default mode."
We argued and we moved on, because we both actually do like each other a lot :-)

By now the idea of giving him a writing assignment has completely lost it´s appeal to me. If he is not getting  some sort of good kick out of it, I am not interested in writing assignments at all anymore.
 i am tired of arguing about getting a frigging paper with some written lines on it.
It´s just not worth it. If he does not want to write them, I dont insist on him writing any lines for me ever again.
I told him that it hurts my feelings if he does not follow a kinky order.
And I think me telling him that my feelings got hurt makes him feeling very uncomfortable.
So due to the kink we were both feeling "not good".

For a while  I thought: "let´s end all dd activity and just focus on the vanilla aspects of our relationship."
At on point he made the same proposal to me: "shall we just skip the domestic discipline aspect?"

Gregory is always willing to talk about our relationship and his feelings and us. Which is a cool thing. He is the one who reminded me a couple of times by now of the importance of good communication. And I am willing to learn. As I learned in the past, my communication skills are not as beautiful as I want them to be ;-)

So i do know, that neither I nor Gregory want to give up the kink and domestic discipline for good. it´s a bit strange. We want the same thing, but we cannot find a way right now to allow for us to have what we both want...

I am not exactly sure about the time frame, but at one point I sent him the following email:

"I am not sure if you are completely aware of it, but there has been a  big " shift" in our relationship.
I switched to being a little girl.
That happened easily for me, because there is so much I admire you for in the real world.
I like it a lot that you are a real man who is used to taking care of your own business.
And when we are drawing sketches together it is only natural that you are in control.
All I do is striving to get your approval.
And at the same time, i feel sometimes a need to rebel against you, because from my pov you are so powerful now.
When we "argue" , we argue but there is no "amicable banter", there is no easy play.
I stopped dd playing with you, because I was afraid you did not like what I was offering. I did not want to force some play unto you."

After I sent him that email we argued again , lol.

He´s like: "You are the domme. Feel free to do what you want. You worry too much. You are doing fine. I love you.  I like what you are offering. Just bring the kink on."

All I know is: Gregory is exactly the right man for me at the exactly right time. It´s no coincidence that he is in my life now. He enriches my life in many many ways. I love him from the bottom of my heart :-)