Thursday, December 28, 2017

Last post for 2017

I did not post much in 2017. I made sure though to write one blog post each months. That is why I wanted to write at least a few words in december.

I am currently with Gregory in the States. We are having a great time. All is well, I am having fun.

I gave him a spanking and a nice handjob recently, and we both enjoyed that.

Hope you all have a fantastic 2018.

Monday, November 27, 2017

on safe words

The importance of a safe word has been emphasized. Here are a few thoughts, not sure though if they make much sense to you.

I can honestly say that I am not a huge fan of safe words. Nevertheless, if I recall correctly, I have given Gregory a safe word right from the beginning. I told him "Your safe word is "David Hasselhoff" ". In any interaction  between Gregory and me, Hasselhoff usually does not come up. And if Gregory suddenly mentiones Hasselhoff, I know for a fact that Gregory has reached his limits ;-)

I do understand that - in theory- a safe word is important. That´s why I gave one to Gregory right from the start. It was clear to me that having a safe word is the reasonable thing to do.

I dont want a guy to fear me. I have feared men in my life. I dont wanna fear people anymore and I dont want to be the one who is feared neither.

I dont want a man to do something for me out of fear. I want him to always have the possibility to say "No".

If a man has to obey me because he doesn`t have another choice, I am not turned on at all. I see this in court often. I "win" and the oponent "has" to do something. This is a completely different dynamic. And it is far away from the domestic discipline situations that I am craving. Domestic discipline situations that are based on love and respect and common goals, not on winning or losing. 

For me, personally, the whole safe word discussion does not make much sense anyway. I have never experieneced ever that a guy used a safe word with me. Never. Not one single time.

I do have experienced many times though that the guy just stopped  being obedient. Real life came in the way, or he did not like what I wanted him to do, or his mood shifted away from kink, etc etc etc. I never got an elaborate explanation. 

In  a way I do think that I can be a very demanding domme. I get turned on by things that many guys dont consider to be hot. That´s why I tend to lean towards the domestic discipline area and not to the bdsm playroom of this thing we to. I get creative ideas and I am getting turned on by  catching the man off guard. And many times the guy does not think at all that what I am demanding is hot. E.g: I once didn´t allow a guy to go to the gym for a few days. He hated it. Another guy lived in one of the upper floors of a high rise building and when I wanted to punish him, I told him that he must not use the elevator but walk the stairs up and down a few times each day.

When Gregory did the endless corner times for me last year, he wasnt in any bondage. He was able to leave the corner any time. The only thing that caused him to stand in the corner of his bedroom for "ages" was my word and his desire to please me. THAT was hot for me :-)

I think that one of the reasons why the "paddling incident" last year really threw me off balance is that it went against my most fundamental beliefs.  I dont want anybody to suffer because of me. And especially not a man I admire and love. But once in a while, I want him to suffer because he chooses to suffer for me, because it turns me on, because it makes me happy, because it satisfies a certain need in me.

I dont expect Gregory to suffer trough agonizing pain just because he thinks he is expected to submit to me. Actually, I expect him to let me know that he is is suffering in a "not good" way. There is no need for him to go through a dark valley of unpleasant pain, just because he wants to please me.  I can come up easily with thousands of other ways to get my dominant needs met, without him secretly praying for it to be over very soon.  

I dont wanna feel guilty for inflicting pain or punishment on him.  I dont want to have to apologize for my own domme-y cravings and needs. From my point of view, the safe word was as much for my protection as it was for his. By giving the man a  safeword I give away some control. I hand some control and some responsibility over to him. But as I said, Gregory did not use it and neither has any other man I ever interacted with. As we have seen, the safe word did not protect neither me nor him.

In my opinion, a safe word is like a pre-nup. You try to foresee all possibilities, but once real life kicks in, there are millions of situations that are not covered by the contract. And a good lawyer (like James or Dan, who usually look at things from completely different stand points) will have no problems to make a case for their respective sides.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

a paddling gone very very wrong

 FL has made a very interesting comment regarding my insecurities. He wrote:
If you can maintain the joy and wonder - without the insecurity - it can be a fairy tale that lasts forever.  
Before I met Gregory, of the many problems I had at that time, being too strict, too severe or too harsh as a domme has never been a problem I had had.

Being a domme and being able to "feel" the other person was something I was really good at. 
(Ok, it might be that the guys I spanked were lying to me... But I doubt that.)

I am not a heavy physical player. Meaning: I get turned on not by the physical element of being in control, but more by the mental element of it. That´s one of the reasons I was not afraid to be too hard on a man. 

I dont need/crave a lot of physical dominance to get my dominant needs met. E.g: I once told Gregory  ("just because I can...") not to watch a certain american football game on tv. A game he had really wanted to see. But he complied and missed that game. And even today, just thinking at it, makes me smile and turns me on. There was zero physical contact involved. Him not watching that game made me happy on a very deep level.
The underlying questions I was really silently asking him at that time were: "Am I really important  to you? Are you willing to suffer for me? Do you care about me?"
Him not watching that game helped me to believe that he did indeed think that I am quite ok ;-)

With Gregory and I, right from the start everything was different. One of the first spankings I gave him,  actually a paddling, went very wrong.

We were in a very nice hotel room, it was the evening of a great day, full of laughter and joy.  He had brought a paddle in the hotel and  he had told me that he can and has taken quite intense physical pain.

I am still cringing just thinking about the following. I tried to forget it for many months.

He was on the bed, I paddled him, he was quiet, did not move, did not say much.

And immediately after we left the hotel to enter the city night life, when we were on the street for about one minute, he got into a yelling contest with a guy selling food on the streets. Gregory completely lost it. The guy was an idiot, yes, but he was just a random street food seller, selling highly overpriced stuff to people. I could not care about him less. The events unfolded so quickly, I had troubles following the action. The two guys yelled and cursed at each other in ways I have rarely seen or heard in my life. I was just standing there, I did not even try to stop Gregory. The emotions were too raw and deep.

Somehow the two guys were able to not beat each other up  and Gregory and I walked away.

Gregory and I had a talk at the next street corner. I asked him what just happened. I understood that the street food guy was not the real source of anger for Gregory. And Gregory told me in uncertain terms that I had been too hard with the paddle, that I dont know what I am doing, that he fears about his safety with me, that he cant and wont let me paddle him again.  

(A day or two earlier I had caned him, but he did not like the amateurish way I used the cane. So he tried to teach me while I was caning him. I had told him: "You cant teach me WHILE we are in a scene. It destroys the scene/energy".)

And so, now on that street corner, he said to me: "I would have told you that the paddling is too hard, but you were very clear the other day that you dont want me to teach you. That´s why I complied and let you do your thing. I submitted to you. It was not good for me though."

It was all a big mess.

I just read the following comment on Dan´s blog : 

Even if we ask for more or harder, it can be difficult for the wife to gauge just how hard to deliver. She can judge by his reaction as to whether it's hard enough but it is difficult for her to judge how to ramp it up.

Anyway, I was the domme, I was in charge, and he felt terrible.

Not much to say in my defense but that I am very sorry and that I never intended to hurt him. 

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

fear of success

A Marianne Williamson quote came to my mind today: 
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Sometimes I am really scared about the fact that things between Gregory and me are going so well. It feels like I need to learn to understand that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to be pampered by a pretty, sexy, caring and empathic man. 

Figuratively speeking: I need to understand that my old mental programming has been updated now, and that the update is giving me much more opportunities, joy and happiness than I ever expected or even dared to dream of :-) 

I was 35 years old when I had my first relationship ever. My life, from the age of let´s say 15 to 35 was dominated by the feeling that I am a nice person, that people like me, but that I am not "relationship material". It felt like I could never find a man who would love me. A big part of my life was about "waiting and hoping" to eventually be found by somebody.

I threw myself into helping other people, I became a very successful advisor when it came to other peoples relationships, but entering into a relationship myself seemed completely out of reach for me.

When I opened my blog, a completely new world opened for me. Everything changed. I moved from "waiting and hoping" to "actively looking and searching". I suddenly was interesting to fantastic men. I got tons of emails and communicated with wonderful guys. And the guy who I now call "my ex-boyfriend" was gentle, and careful, and slow enough to let me explore this new world at my own speed. He understood that I am a "beginner" in the whole "relationship- world", and he was a great teacher. When things ended between us, I was heartbroken for a long time.

Now with Gregory in my life, it feels like I have finally arrived. I am not blogging much about him and me these days, because I have told you many times already how much in love I am with him and how wonderful he is.

We were swimming in the ocean recenly, just the two of us. The whole beach was empty, just him and I had the courage to go into the october sea water. It was so much fun, and it gave me another opportunity to touch him.

I feel a very strong physical attraction to him. I always touch him and kiss him, play with his hair or ears or just hold his hands. Being physically connected with him gives me energy and calmes me down at the same time.

We see each other quite often, taking into consideration that I am living in Germany and he in the US. I feel very close with him. It feels very familiar with him, very warm, very comforting, very cozy. He is always there for me. I know I can count on him. With him and through him, I see things and people and places I could not have dreamt of ever seeing.

I think that I inspire him, and at the same time I am being inspired by him.

It feels like I do have everything I ever wanted as far as having a man and a happy relationship is concerned

I was single for such a long time in my life that I now often secretly ask myself: "Is this really happening? This can`t be true, this is almost too good to be true."

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

otk for Gregory

On the very first day I met Gregory, I put him over my knees and gave him a bare bottom spanking.

He had picked me up at the airport, we drove to my hotel and the fun begun ;-)

I was young and fearless, I had just flown half around the globe to meet him, and I did not want to waste any time.

I think of that day often; it always makes me smile thinking of that day.

We did various kinky things in that hotel room. 
I remember Gregory standing in a corner because I told him to, 
I remember him and I touching each other in various ways and getting a feeling for each other, 
I remember "trying out" various implements on his butt, 
I remember being in a whirl pool with him. 

The thing however that stood out that day was when I sat down on the corner of the hotel bed and told him to take his underwear down and to get over my knees. 

He looked at me completely surprised and asked: "Over your knees???"
I laughed and asked: "sure, why not?"
And he just stood in front of me and replied: "Well, I am sort of tall"
I only said: "So what?" ,  and reached over, pulled his underwear down, and litteraly pulled the whole man over my knees.

I spanked his butt with my hands and enjoyed every moment of it.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

update on Gregory and me

When I opened my blog 7 years ago, my goal was to find a man. With Gregory now in my life, it looks like I have accomplished that goal.

Things between Gregory and me are good. Great actually. We just spent a fantastic time together in Germany and even some wonderful days in Paris.

Gregor is good to me and good for me.

Having accomplished my main goal, namely finding a man, I am now spiritually in the process of "finding myself" and "getting to know myself better".

I am pretty experienced with enneagrams . I am an enneagram type 2. If you wanna know more about me and how I "tick" , just google/read any description of type 2 and you will know what kind of person I am. :-) 

"When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized. 

In short, healthy Twos are the embodiment of “the good parent” that everyone wishes they had: someone who sees them as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go. Healthy Twos open our hearts because theirs are already so open and they show us the way to be more deeply and richly human."(The Enneagram Institute).

When it comes to the kink, I dont get turned on by brutality or plotless and mean sadism. In my mind, the things get interesting and hot when the following aspects come into play:  supporting the man, helping him to reach his goals, and making him realize how wonderful he is. 

I never ever handed out a punishment in the kinky context that was intended to belittle the man. All I want and strive for is to make the man see how awesome he is. Gregory could testify that I tell him over and over again, how wonderful he is, how proud of him I am, and how much I am turned on by his looks.

Being the one in control, the one to empower others, the grown up, the advisor, the one people go to to ask for help... that´s the part I am playing in most of both my business and my private life. 

But it is also said about 2s: 
Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. 

The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.”
And yep, this has happened in my life. Talking about and expressing my needs does not come easy for me. Setting boundaries and saying "no" to friends, clients , family or even Gregory is difficult for me. The need to please is super deeply engraved in my psyche. But sometimes , as all of you know, but I only learned in the last years, lol, it is impossible to please everybody all the time.  

In the last months, Gregory refused to submit to me in the kinky context. We did not have a big "we are  now ending all kink activity -talk". He just made clear that A is not something he wants, B is not something he enjoys, and C is not something that turns him on.

He had asked me months ago whether I would let him spank me. And I told him that the thought alone of being spanked by him makes me feel uncomfortable in a bad way. It felt too overwhelming, too scary, too emotional and I was too afraid that he would not catch me when I start to fall.
I am not sure whether that is still true though. I trust this man with my life now. But still, at the moment I dont wanna be spanked by him or any other person. 

With this all came a changed dynamic in our relationship. Away from pure lust/kink  more towards: "are we a match in vanilla life? do we share the same core values? do we believe in the same God?" And the answer is crystal clear: yes! Gregory and I make a very good couple. :-) 

 The whole "kink or no kink- situation" forces me to ponder the question: "what is it that I want?  What makes me happy? what is hot for me?"

In the past, I got a lot of pleasure through pleasing the man. But now Gregory has sort of unconsciously (or maybe consciously, who knows...) given me permission to  take care of my own pleasure. It is important for him that I am sexually fulfilled. He wants me to have orgasms. He wants me to be happy. And he enjoys pampering me. He has given me "oral favors" that felt wonderful. He is taking good care of me and my orgasms. And I am learning to receive. I am learning that I dont always have to give. Giving is nice, but receiving is nice too.

When we were in Paris, Gregory paid for everything. It was the first time in my whole life that I had a man pay for me like he did. I was completely overwhelmed by his generosity. It was a completely unfamiliar feeling for me. I realized I am enetring new territory. I dont always have to be the one who leads, I dont always have to be the one who takes charge of things, I dont always have to fix all sorts of problems. It is safe for me to trust and let go and enjoy. 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

what did I have in mind when I asked for 24/7?

In a recent comment, "James", raised some helpful questions. And no, "James" is not Greory. Gregory has never commented on my blog at all. I offered Gregory to write a "guest post" on my blog right from the beginning of our relationship, but so far he has always declined to do that.

1) "That will be a very interesting post."  

I hope you find it interesting - I know I do.

2) "So far, it has been unclear exactly how much power you want over him. For example, do you want the unilateral power to punish him for any reason with the intensity and duration of your sole choosing?"

short answer: 
yes, I want the unilateral power to punish him for any reason (with the exceptions stated in No.5)  with the intensity and duration of my sole choosing.

3) "Do you want the final say over any and all relationship decisions?"

short answer: yes, I do.

4) "Does he have any recourse if he feels strongly that something you do is unfair or excessive?"

If he - as has happened-  feels strongly that something I do is unfair or excessive, he can always tell me so. 

He told me he doesn´t want me to ruin his orgasms, I stopped doing that. 
He told me he doesnt want to write lines for me, I stopped giving him lines. 
He told me that early bed times is not something he wants or could accept, and I never did it to him.

If he wants to have one, he can have a safe word. No problem. I have given him a safe word in the past already, but he never used it.

5) "What things require mutual agreement, and which are left to your unfettered and sole discretion?"
Left to his unfettered and sole discretion are all things related to: 

  • his money, 
  • his work/ business, 
  • his family members/ friends

The rest is mine.

I dont want a slave. I want him to be happy and successful. I want him to have fun and enjoy his life.

6) "24/7 just refers to the fact that whatever power you have is always there with no breaks." 

I want that it is clear between him and I that I have the final say. I dont want to start negotiating with him when I tell him to do something for me. I dont want to beg him or convince him to do something for me. I dont wanna win a debate against him first. And I dont wanna explain myself and my reasoning in depth before something I want gets done.

I will give you a real life example: Gregory lives in a very nice house. I like his place a lot. I love spending time in that house. And I love being the housewife for Gregory. Cleaning for him, doing the laundry, cooking, I love it because I still dont see him as often as I would like to and I still dont get enough chances to pamper him and show him how much he means to me. 

Next to his kitchen is a nice table. Since I entered that house for the first time I want to have dinner with him at that table. I have spent hours thinking about what I would cook, and how we would have dinner there.  I guess it´s a european thing. I love cooking for my man and I love sitting down for a dinner together. I think preparing a fresh meal is fun and homemade food is delicious. 

It stayed a dream though because the table is full with his "stuff". Just huge piles of old papers, coins, batteries, old boxes, christmas wrapping, etc.

I told him a few times that I want the table cleared, but he doesnt do it. He says it would take him half a day to sort through everything on that table and he says he does not have the time to do it. He does not even understand why I want to use the table. On the rare occasions that I actually do cook at his house at the moment, we eat on the couch, in front of the tv.

In the last year I very nicely asked him a few times to clear that table. I told him that it is important for me. He just doesnt do it. I could have confronted him about it, somewhat forcefully,  could have started an argument. But such a confrontation would have completely destroyed the "warm" and "sweet" feelings I have in regards to us eating on that table. Plus: I dont want an argument with him. A fucking table is not worth it.

Furthermore: In a vanilla setting I think it is not my call to tell him how to live and what to do. It is his house, his table and his decision what he wants to have on that table and what not. And obviously he does not want the two of us sitting there.

However: Litteraly everytime I am at his place I regrett that we cant use that table. He has no idea that I am having such strong feelings related to that table, but I do. And I am afraid I might not even be able to explain to you or him why it is so important to me, but it is.

Sometimes I just want things from him, but I dont want to have to explain myself. I dont wanna give him a deep analysis of my psyche and my reasons behind my demand. I just want that table to be cleared. And btw. I would have cleared that table myself, I am not interested in making Gregory`s life harder. I know it is an unpleasant task for him, and I would have done it myself. But in that specific case he has to do it himself. I dont know what he wants to keep, and what not.

So I have to live with that cluttered table. And I do. When Gregory is reading this post, he will probably be completely surprised by the intensity of my feelings re that table. It is obvious that we want different things at the moment. He wants to leave it as it is, I want it cleared. I do believe that he would enjoy what I am having in mind once the table is cleared, but this is irrelevant because I dont have any means to  get the table cleard. I cant do it and he wont do it.

If I had had the power I wanted, things could have gone completely different.
I know, I know, I am always the one who says "the kink is a serious thing for me". 
But sometimes, as is the case with the table, the kink is a good means to prevent arguments in a playful manner. 

Without the kink, me telling him over and over again to "please clear the table" puts me in the category of being a nagging, difficult girlfriend. This triggers unpleasant feelings in him and I understand that. It also triggers unpleasant feelings in me, because I dont wanna be perceived as a "difficult" girlfriend.

With the kink I could have just "told" him to do it. The table would have been cleared months ago and I could have given him a nice and sensual and loving "good boy spanking", followed by a blow job and some fresh, homemade and tasty dinner.

7) "How much power do you want over this man", 

I want the power only in the privacy of our relationship. I want to be sure that he knows and accepts that I can give him pleasure and/or pain.

8) "How much less than what you want are you willing to accept?" 
As a matter of fact: Gregory has stopped being submissive to me.
It was his decision. He never told me so, but he acted acordingly.
Bummer? well, tell me about it.

I did not like it, but I adjusted myself to it.
He did not like my flavor of kink. And the idea of doing something that the partner does not (at least on some level) like, is a huge turn off for me.

In the big scheme of things, having Gregory in my life as my boyfriend is more important to me than having the kink with him. If I have to choose between having kink or having Gregory, I would always choose Gregory.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

My pov: The mental aspects of D/s

Fur sissy wanted to talk about the mental aspects, and his wish is my command ;-)

This is such a broad subject though, it is hard to put it into a single blog post. I am therefore limiting my writing to a few elements that play the biggest role in my kink life.

mind fucks vs physical contact
For me, the mental aspect of "this thing we do" is the dominant factor.  The mind-fucks are drawing me into the kink.

When I was a teenager, I had my first orgasm ever while watching a D/s scene in a movie. It wasnt a porn movie, it was just a vanilla video with a very intense D/s moment between 2 people, Physical contact did not play a role at all. 

The things that go on in my head are what leads me to the kink in the first place. The physical aspects come much later. For me, it is like: If there is no good mindfuck, if there is no mental appeal, I dont even want to start anything physical with another person. One night stands for instance have zero appeal to me. Vanilla porn bores me.

There is a moment in a D/s relationship, when a submissive man`s tone and  voice starts to change from "normal" to "submissive mode".  It´s like his voice is cracking, the sound of the voice changes and the man`s whole demeanor changes. This is something that turns me on immensly. And if the man throws in a "yes Ma àm"  I am ready to come ;-) I dont need much physical contact to reach that horny state. For me, it works on the phone, on skype and even through text mesages. Texts are trickier than phone or skype, obviously, but I can litteraly feel through the lines whether we are having that special connection I am longing for, or not.

In the beginning, shortly after Gregory had contacted me, I put him into a corner quite often. He had to spend "ages" in the corner, nude and motionless, while I watched him through skype. I never left the computer screen, I was actually sitting at home and watching him standing in the corner  in his bedroom. During these hours I energetically connected to him. I focused on him and on his energy, I created a bond between us that is obviously quite strong now. The fact that he was willing to over and over stand in a corner just because I say so, was one of the most precious gifts he could have given me. 

Gregory and I recently had our first year anniversary. When he had contacted me last year, I could feel a special chemistry right from the beginning. And only 2 or 3 weeks later did I buy an airplane ticket to fly half around the world to meet him. My family in Germany was quite worried about the fact that I am flying alone to a man in a different country, and my brother insisted I  book a hotel room at least for the first night, in case Gregory was not was wonderful as I had assumed he is. But my brothers´s fears were completely unnecessary. Gregory was exactly as I had imagined him to be. My gut feeling and my ability to "feel" other people has never betrayed me. He picked me up at the airport, we went to his car and I started to touch him and have never since stopped touching him in all sorts of appropriate an inappropriate situations ;-) 

deep connection vs superficial meetings
For me, the kink has a lot to do with being connected to another human being. With being understood and accepted at a very deep and intimate level. And with bonding. With feeling close with the man. With intimacy and opening up and trust and loyalty and togetherness.

For me, the kink is almost a holy experience. For me, it is meaningful and deep and valuable and precious. When I interact with people, I almost never stay on the surface. I wanna get to know the other person, understand the other person. This is my modus operandi in business and private meetings, but it is especially true for my kink/relationship/sex life.

I intentionally never asked any of the men who wrote me for a picture. I wanted to energetically and emotionally "feel" the person first.I wanted to get a mental picture of the man first, before I  made the decision whether I even  wanted a picture or not.

At the time I ask a man for a picture, my decision to give him a chance has already been made. 

It might be surprising to some of you. but in the 7 years that I am writing my blog I have never ever been really disappointed by any of the men who wrote me. I opened up to them, they opened up to me and even when our paths separated, there was always some mutual respect and loyalty left. 

lifestyle vs game
For me, D/s is not a game. I dont "play". In order for me to be interested on a kink level, the guy has to be interesting in his vanilla life. The more I am interested in the man as a person, as a human being, and in his vanilla life, the better the kink can get.

I think the guys who were able to get through to me could feel that I am not just playing with them. We might laugh and there might be some playful banter, but generally speaking:  For me, the kink is a serious thing. It is serious for me, because it is so meaningful and deep to me. (see above).

dominance vs submission
Gregory and I were discussing our kink relationship ground rules recently. And after I had told him some of the things I want, he asked me completely flabbergasted: "you want 24/7? really?"
 And I said: "yes."
And then he told me that he is not into it 24/7, that his mood changes sometimes and also his interest in the kink.

This is where we ended our "how to proceed" discussion.
We just let it rest for a while, because we both know and feel that we have something that is worth fighting for. Our relationship is great in so many aspects, we both love each other dearly. I think we both did not want to destroy this by focusing too much on different kink preferences.

And I am not so sure anway wheter we are really so far apart mentally anyway ;-)

First of all, I think both Gregory and I are completely equal partners in our relationship.  And I think this is something both Gregory and I want. We are on a par with each other and we are enjoying that.

Nevertheless, when it comes to the kink, I crave the power.

I think he is afraid that I am trying to take away his freedom. That I am intending to boss him around in a mean and limiting way. He has told me many times "Don`t limit me, I am my own man, I make my own decisions". And when he says this to me, most of the time I think that this has got not much to do with me. He is defending something that is not even attacked. If I did not think that he is a strong, independent and successful man who can make his own decisions and take care of himself,  I would not even be together with him :-)

Being the domme turns me on because being the sub is a role that is all too familiar for me.
From my early childhood on I have been taught by the women in my family to serve and support and love the men in my family. Plus: loving people and supporting them is something that comes naturally to me anyway. 

And the men in my family have taught me that they love their freedom, that they wanna do whatever they wanna do. These are lessons that are deeply engrained in my memory. And I am a free spirit myself, I know how important freedom is.

I come from a family where the men are loved, protected and cared for by the women. My grandma sometimes served my grandfather dinner in the living room, so he could enjoy his meal in calmness and undisturbed, while my grandma took care of the loud and challenging kids and fed them in the dining room. She tried her hardest to make my grandfathers life as nice as possible. She let him go on vacation with another woman, while she stayed at home with the kids.

My father borrowed thousands of Euro from his parents in law, my grandparents, and (even though he later had the money and we urgently needed it) never returned it. But neither my grandparents nor my mom or I stopped loving him. He is dead now, but he was always welcome in our home.

My brother, the only son between 2 sisters, is the prince in our family. He gets pretty much whatever he wants from all of us.

My stepfather is married to my mom for more than 30 years now, and my mom has always let him have his freedom. I remember one spectacular moment when she called his office and his secretary said: "Oh, he is not here, he is on vacation for the next two weeks in Indonesia". He had booked a trip to the other end of the world without saying a word to his family. But my mom accepted it. She did not like it, but she accepted it. The two of them are still married, living in different cities and seeing each other regularly.

In vanilla settings it has happend many times that Gregory asks me a somewhat harmless question like " did you wash my jeans?", I think I have done something wrong, I get insecure, and he calms me down by saying: "Hey, relax, I am just asking." I know I am super insecure sometimes, but that is only because I WANT to make him happy. I WANT to see a smile on his face. The fact that I love this man so much makes it even more difficult to keep the femdom aspects of our relationship alive.

My point in all this rambling is: I understand that Gregory wants to keep his freedom. But at the same time I want him to give me more power over him. I know I am asking for a huge leap of faith from him, but I crave more of his submission because I know that without his loud and clear "ok; I am submitting to you" I wont do anything that is even slightly touching his boundaries.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

hand spankings and butt plug

I have given Gregory many hand spankings by now.  I love spanking him, and I love doing it with my hand. I generally like to touch his butt, but spanking his butt is one of my favorite things to do. It´s such a personal and emotional thing. I feel close to him while spanking him, and I love that during these spankings he lets me do with him pretty much whatever I want to ;-) 

A little while ago I gave him one of those hand spankings, but then I completely changed my modus operandi. I told him to get up and show me his butt plugs. He was quite surprised by my request, but did as I told him. He presented all the toys he owns and I chose one and told him to insert it into his pretty butt.

He looked at me a bit stunned and asked: "Now?"

And I only smiled at him and said: "Yes, now.  I wanna watch you inserting it and I wanna watch you wearing it."

I could actually see his face turning red. He could not hide his embarassment. And for some reason the fact that he had to insert it himself made it mentally even more challenging for him. It is one thing to use a butt plug in the privacy of your home and alone. But letting me watch was obviously a bit difficult for him.

He did as he was told though and I enjoyed his show. I was on the bed, fully relaxed, while he was presenting himelf to me completely naked, with an ass still red from the spanking,  and butt pluged.

It was so much fun for me, but I could tell that it was quite difficult for him. I will never forget the sign of relieve on his face when I finally allowed him to take it out again.

I asked him yesterday: "can we do something like this again? I know you did not like it too much at the time."

And his reply was:"Sure. It was good. Embarassing butt good ;-) ".

Sunday, April 30, 2017

public displays of affection, kisses, and outsourcing of severe canings

Things between Gregory and me are getting more and more serious. Serious in a very good way. I met his family, he met my family, both of our families "approve" of the partner, we spent some time together in a different country and Gregory and I also had some professional success together.
We see each other quite regulary,  and talk/text daily. Things are good in my life :-)

I love touching Gregory. Always and everywhere. I think he is still a bit uncomfortable with my public displays of affection, but he is getting more and more used to it. As soon as he is within my reach, I usually reach over and touch him. I just want to feel him and feel connected with him. I have explored and touched his whole body many times, and I love his pretty body. Touching this man is something that never ceases to bring me happiness and pleasure.

And something wonderful has happened: Gregory somehow found a way to teach me the joy of kissing. In the past I had a reputation for not kissing at all. When a man wanted to kiss me, I always declined. I thought it just does not do anything for me. I was convinced that kissing is just not my thing. But now, with Gregory, I am the one who is constantly initiating deep and wonderful kisses. Kissing him is just amazing :-)

"Fur sissy" wote a very interesting post a little while ago. Titled: "My Thoughts on D/s and Depression". You can find the link HERE. He wrote among else: "D/s is my sanctuary because it carves new tablets for me to focus on.  Her (the woman´s) happiness is what matters.  her will is what matters.  These newly carved words bury the old and silence their ache.  When my depression kicks up, the demons are barely an annoyance.  I don't care what they have to say because she (the woman) is all that matters.  D/s is my anti-depressant.  It is my source of meaning.  It is what saves my soul."

I commented on his post and said: 
"Fur, Your posts recently trigger some difficult stuff in me. 
From my perspective it feels like the job is too difficult for the dominant woman. I tend to be one of these persons who give and give and give in order to get love and to be "seen". And in my relationships I had often situations where the submissive man was depressed and looked for me for directions. I always jumped into it. He was completely focused on me. I enjoy being the helper, the rescuer, but there often comes a point when I realize: I dont get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back. And I hate these moments. I feel like a fool, I feel needy and unloved.
The power you give the woman (or dream of giving the woman) scares me. It is impossible for any human being to save another person. I know what I am talking about, I have tried that sooooo many times....And from my point of view, the ideal that you are describing sets the woman up for failure. I mean, what are the chances of her getting through to you that you actually ARE loved and valued?"

Lady Grey read my comment and gave some helpful advise:
Tina - Do you feel that you are a naturally dominant woman? If not, I can easily see why you feel as though being in that role is just too hard. At least 90% of the responsibility for the success of a Femdom relationship lies in the hands of the female. There is just no getting around this. If one is naturally dominant, it's much, much easier to accept and deal with this responsibility. If you are not naturally dominant, it's virtually impossible to stand such "pressure" for long periods of time. I think it's important to examine one's self in light of this difference. 
How would you classify yourself? How would you classify your sub? If you are a natural dominant (and I think that you feel that you are), it will be very hard to take on all that responsibility with a sub who is not naturally submissive. You will not get the feedback you need and deserve for your efforts if you're dealing with a person without your commitment to the dynamic. That would inevitably lead to frustration and/or depression on your part. As you say "...there often comes a point when I realize I don't get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back." So it becomes very important that you also examine the nature of the submissive with whom you are dealing. Much of the problem may lie right there. Before you beat yourself up too much, take a close look at the basic nature of the person you're dealing with. It just might clarify things a bit. No one wants or needs to operate in a vacuum, and that certainly holds true for a Femdom.

I pondered Lady Grey´s words for a while now. Would have been very helpful for me to have heard these words years and years ago already;-)

Yes, I feel that I am a naturally dominant woman. I am also a woman who loves to care for and nurture her man. Already when I opened this blog in 2010 I wrote: "I am looking for a man who is independent in real life, someone who is willing and able to commit to our relationship. A man who does not expect me to be the ruthless dominatrix 24/7 but who is nevertheless accepting that I am in charge. If there is- in my oppinion- need for a punishment, the guy has to have the ability to come to terms with everything I administer. Spankings, corner time, writing lines, doing chores, early bed times, orgasmus denial, scolding, humiliating or any other punishment  might be in store for him. Someone who wants to get both my love and my correction."

Generally speaking: I want submission as a gift. I dont want the man to "play" anything for me. I am not into role play. I dont want submission out of pitty. And I dont wanna force a man into submission. I want him to want it. And I want him to submit to me freely and willingly.

I tried to find out where Gregory stands when it comes to dominance and submission. We had a heated conversation about it. He had found my blog, this in itself shows that we share some interests ;-) But:  In my opinion he is into different aspects of bdsm than I am.  

*I like to be called "ma `am" , he thinks that is silly. (Gregory, if you are reading this:  lol, I know it is silly. But still, it is hot for me ;-) )

*I want to have a female led relationship, he wants kink only once in a while.

*He sees caning as some form of art. In his eyes it is something that needs to be done with skill and knowledge and artistry. Me, I dont care at all about any art aspect in it. For me it is all about the mental element. This is one of the reasons why punishment lines work so well for me too. Gregory however is mostly interested in the pain. 

I had caned a guy before and it went well. I tried to cane Gregory once or twice or maybe even three times, but it was not something that neither one of us enjoyed too much. I am just not skilled enough in it for him. And once he started to teach me how to cane him, I became all defensive and shut down emotionally. This led to him feeling that it is "unsafe" for him to let me cane him. Gregory telling me that he feels "unsafe" with me made feel sad, which led to him feeling like he cannot share his feelings with me... and in the end it was all a big emotional mess.

And the caning situation stressed me. I told him: "Gregory, if you really want and need a severe and properly executed caning, feel free to go and see a professional dominatrix. I dont want to prevent you from having your needs met. You deserve to get what you want. I know I did not deliver and I dont want to be in your way."

For a while it seemed to me like we are getting turned on by completely different things. I was pretty much at loss on how to proceed and what to do.  

Both Gregory and I could feel however that our relationship is worth fighting for.
That´s why we focused on the vanilla aspects of our relationship for a while. We both felt like: "let´s not rock the boat" for a while. I think that was a smart thing to do. By focusing on the vanilla aspects we were able to get to know each other better. We were able to build up even more trust. We were able to understand each other even more.

I saw Gregory just a few days ago. We spent a very good time together. We both enjoyed our time together immensly. We love each other and being together with him makes me happy.  

Life is good!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Gregory and the big take away

In December 2010 I wrote a post that adresses a topic that is still very much on my mind. It is still very much what I think:

Over the holidays I have been reading many blogs on domestic discipline. Very interesting stuff... And one big question came to my mind:
How is it possible to get over my self-doubts?
Or in other words: Is it possible to be in a dd relationship and still have self-doubts?
To me, it looks as being a dominant woman in a domestic discipline relationship calls for the woman to be free of any fear that the man could actually end the relationship. Somehow these women on other F/m blogs seem to be able to believe that the men will stay in the relationship, even if the demands of the women are really hard to accept for the men.
I am in love with my man. Therefore I don`t want him to end the relationship. And no, he has not done/said/made/anything to give me reason to believe he wants to break up. And neither did I.
I am only discussing a theoretical question, that most likely has its source in my childhood.
Both Lady Grey and Ms Marie have written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most. (Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...) And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwheming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.
But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game. It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.
And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.
Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them, only waiting to start a relationship with them....
I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most...

Well, my dear readers, I can report that Gregory had the honor of experiencing the feeling of having a huge thing taken away. And he did not like it at all. And neither did I. I am writing this post in order to process my feelings. It still makes me cringe to think at that day.

It all started completely harmless. He was in Germany to visit me. It was his first trip to Germany ever and he wanted to dive into the german culture and the german way of living.

We drove to the big city, about 3 hours from where I live. Gregory did the driving, while I relaxed and enjoyed his presence. The deal was that he would drive to the city and I would drive back, so that he could drink some alcohol and enjoy himself in the city. Me, I never drink. It just does not do anything for me. So in theory, it sounded like a good plan.

The moment where I fucked up was probably right in the beginning, by not telling him that it stresses me to drive through or out of that city. I prefer if he does that sort of driving. But I did not tell him explicitely "I want you to drive back also" because I sort of understood that he wants to have a drink or two in the big city. And I really wanted him to have a good time.

On the way to the city, Gregory was so cute, he enjoyed driving on the german Autobahn and he was having fun, I think. So he said to me: "Tina, you know what, I will drive back also."

And I was super relieved and said: "Really? that´s awesome. Yes, please do the driving back home too."

But when we were in the city, he had a few beers and I started to think: "Damn, if he is drinking now I need to do the driving home myself."

I did not adress it right away. I think I could/should have at least asked him: "Hey, arent you gonna drive back? "

On that day, there was an interesting soccer game on, and Gregory had told me all day that he wanted to watch that game in a sports bar. So we ended up in a nice place with a lot of tv´s and we were watching the game together.

At one point I told him: "kiss me" and he did, even though he is not much into making out in public;-)

It was all a bit chaotic in the sports bar, because the bar, as so many places in Germany still, did not accept credit cards, and neither Gregory nor I did bring much cash. For a little while he was depending on my cash. Which was a very unusual situation for him, because Gregory is one of the most generous men I know.

He had ordered a beer and when he wanted to order another one I asked him: "Are you still ok to drive?"
He said: yes.
I asked him again:  "Really? Are you really sure?"
He said: "yes, I am. If you dont believe me, you can do the driving."
And I said something along the line of: "I dont wanna do the driving. I just want to be sure that you are still ok to drive. How am I supposed to know whether you are still fit to drive or not."

In my private life, I have zero experience with alcohol and how much one can drink. That´s why I wanted to be reassured by him. I did not want to drive back myself. I wanted him to drive. 

His behavior triggered some fear in me. I felt helpless and out of control. He was the one who had suggested to drive back home too, and now he suddenly wanted me to drive again? I did not want him to have another beer because I was afraid that then he would not be fit to drive anymore.

He felt limited and controlled by my behavior and questions and so he said to me provocatively: "You know what,  let´s pay and go. Let´s go right away. Let´s go right in the middle of the soccer game that I have been wanting to see all day." He stood up and went to the bathroom.

And I, I stood up too, went to the counter and payed. He returned from the bathroom, saw that I had actually payed, and we left the sports bar in icy silence, while the other guests where jeering on his team.

We walked silently to the subway, took the subway to the parkingplace where our car was parked, argued a bit and then he drove back home. It was a terrible drive home. I had a bad feeling in my stomach. And I guess he was not feeling good either.

My behavior had triggered some fear in him too. He later told me that he had been thinking something along the line of: " If only I had cash with me, or if only they accepted my credit card, I would have stayed there and done what I wanted to do, and maybe taken a train back home or a cab or something. It is not ok for any woman to treat me like that. I am my own man. I dont limit her and she has no right to limit me either."

When we were in my town again, he made clear that he expects an apology from me. From his point of view I had intentionally and without any good reason limited him from some harmless and well deserved fun. It was his first time in Germany. The super interesting game was on. He had only wanted to do what thousands of german men had done on that day too. Watch the FULL game and have a beer while doing that. He thought I had completely abused my power. On that day, due to outer circumstances, he was depending on me. It was my car, my cash, my language that was spoken and we were in my country.

He was royally pissed at me.

And me, I felt royally hurt.
My goal was not to limit him in any way, sort or form. My goal was to get back home safely without having to do the driving. I felt unfairly accused. The whole mess only started because I WANTED him to have fun.

From my point of view: If at least I had bossed him around intentionally, if at least I had had fun being mean and making him suffer. But in reality I was trying to make sure both of our needs were met. And the result was that we both were pretty unhappy.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

my feelings

Gregory asked me a few days ago: "Do you wanna go to a concert with me on October 23rd?" 

I had not expected that question at all, October is far, far away, but my spontaneous answer was "Yes, sure. I `d love to go there with you." 

He replied: "Ok, I will get tickets"

This was pretty much the end of that conversation. Nothing spectacular, you might think. Why is she even writing about this, you might ask yourselves. *smile

But for me, the beauty of that conversation lies in the fact that he is making long-term plans with me. I just LOVE that fact! 

October is 8 months away, I usually do not plan 4 weeks ahed ;-)
I am very spontaneous and intuitive. I tend to follow my gut and I think I am able to adapt to new situations easily. And I am a bit of a free spirit. 

I am also a very loyal person though. When I was a kid, my father was not always there for me. He was distracted by women and drama in his life. I missed him and thought of him often, but only saw him seldom. It felt like I was not important enough. It felt like everything else is more urgent than spending time with me. 

At the end of my father´s life though, out of the 4 kids he had with 3 women, I was the only kid who had still contact with him, supported him and wished him well.
Taking care of people and being there for them comes very naturally for me. 

But being taken care of, and cherished, and seen as important by a man, that is still something unfamiliar for me. I guess it is not always easy for Gregory to deal with these facets of my personality. On the one hand I am dominant and tough and I know exactly what I want and how to do/get it. And on the other hand there is this  small, timid, little girl in me that is asking silently: "Really? you really care about ME? You really think I am important?"

For me it is important to not be a burden to somebody. I do have my wants and needs, but if I think these needs are a burden to the other person, I tend to withdraw myself immediately. To a degree it is very easy for me to open up emotionally. I can easily share my dreams, wishes, hopes, kinks, wants and needs etc with other people. 

But sometimes when I do that, and when the other person does not jump immediately into "Sure, I am going to fulfil your needs right away - mode", I tend to develop this attitude of "fuck you, I dont need you. Your rejection does not mean anything to me. Reject me as much as you want, I am able to do my own stuff anyway".

It´s a childish way of dealing with things, I know. But hey, this is just what I am sometimes doing. I am just being honest with you :-)

One of these situations happened a little while ago. I was staying at Gregory´s house, I was horny, I wanted this great man for myself, wanted to play with him, wanted to touch him, wanted to watch him, wanted to start a scene with him.

But he was busy or not in the mood for it, or my timing was bad, or whatever. The gist of it was: I wanted to do kinky things but it did not happen.

And all these feelings of being not good enough, not important enough,  got triggered in me. It felt like: The things I am offering to him are not good enough. I am not good enough.

I said to him: "You know what, let´s just end doing kink. Let´s just giving up the kink. Let´s just have a vanilla relationship."

He stayed calm though and replied: "Tina, don`t do this. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." His calmness was very reassuring to me. It helped me to understand that old feelings got triggered, that I was feeling "old pain", that he was not rejecting me at all.

We went on with the day, and only a little while later I got a chance to spank his pretty butt. Which -of course- I very much liked to do. He has the most spankable butt you can imagine ;-)

Saturday, January 21, 2017

a very hot moment for me

Shortly after my arrival in the US, Gregory and I went to a Christmas party together. It was a very cool party. Great people, great food, a great atmosphere. I liked his friends and colleagues immediately and had a lot of fun there.

The wives and girlfriends of his colleagues were super interested in me. And we got along very well. The men were talking business and art and the women were talking "relationship stuff". It was one of the best parties I have been in a very long time.

Generally speaking: when Gregory goes to a party, he usually stays till the very end. Me, I tend to leave early. I usually "jump"right into very deep conversations with people and after a while I feel that the important aspects have been covered, and I am ready to go home.

I wanted Gregory to have fun, and I did not want to spoil anything for him, but I was still jet lagged and tired and after a while I was ready to go. I looked over to Gregory and the other guys, and I saw that they were laughing and drinking and having a good time.

I saw them and I thought: "well, this is gonna be difficult, to "make" him leave with me now." I was expecting some sort of "negotiation" with him. I was pretty sure that he wanted to stay longer at the party. And I felt that if he started to "negotiate" with me now, I did not have good arguments at all. He was having fun there, he deserved to have fun, I wanted him to have fun, Christmas is only once a year... but at the same time I wanted to go home.

Somewhat reluctantly  I said: "Gregory..."
He looked at me and asked: "You wanna go home?"
I only nodded.
And without hesitating for one second he said to the other guys: "I gotta go home now."
We said good bye to the other guests and were in the car on our way home within minutes.
He said to me smilingly: "I am sure the guys are confused now, lol. I have never left a party early like this."

I know, it seems like a small thing, but for me it was HUGE. I am not sure whether Gregory even knows, but his behaviour during this party was super hot for me. It was one of this moments of: "I LOVE this man!" I feel warmth and love flow through my body every time I just think at that moment. I was and still am blown away by his willingness to put my needs first.