Friday, September 19, 2014

short update

Judging from the high numbers of visitors that my blog had over the last two weeks, quite a few of you are eager to hear how things with me and my boyfriend evolved. Well, lol, your wish is my command, here is the latest news.

He did not contact me yet. I have not spoken with him nor exchanged emails with him. I contacted him a few times but he did not reply back.

It is a strange situation. I miss him enormously. I would  love to fly to him and do wonderful kinky , hot and domestic discipline things with him. And I miss his intellectual input, his 2 cents in both my business life and my private life. Despite having a long distance relationship he has been very present in my life in the last years. We were very close emotionally. The long distance made it probably even easier for both of us to allow emotional closeness. And the "no contact" that we are having now is a HUGE change.

A few days ago I stumbled over a pair of his socks in my room and I ended up holding the socks in my hand and dreaming of him for a long time.  Basically: whatever I do, everything reminds me of him.

But I learned a lot in the last weeks. 
I am asking myself a lot of very interesting questions:
what is my part in the situation? Where do I resonate with the miscommunication? Why and how did I create that conflict? What do I need to learn? Where have I wronged him? What am I afraid of? What do I fear? Do I really allow and accept the love in my life that he offered?

I will spare you from reading the answers to these very personal questions. It´s not really interesting for you anyway. 

My point is only: 
I am responsible for my life. 
As nice as it might sound to blame him for me being unhappy about the "no contact", I do have a huge part in the current situation too. I cornered him with my marriage-ultimatum. And I am sure he was not pleased with me doing it. I am pretty sure though that the main reproach he is secretly harbouring against me is based on something else. He did not openly say it, but I understood that something I did made him feel very uncomfortable. I am intentionally staying very vague here. No need to discuss the exact details on the internet. 

In sum:

I am wishing him the very best.

All I want to say to him at the moment is:

I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.


  1. Dont forget, he is a man. You are a woman.

    Sounds trivial, but isnt - men and woman have different brain structures and think different in an emotional state.

    A typical woman is more contemplative - as you obviously are - a typical man is far more goal and solution oriented. And if he seeks a solution, he will identify one.

    So this ongoing silence leaves one probable conclusion: You got an definite answer.

    The longer you dont accept this possible truth, the longer you will punish yourself and suffer.

    Best wishes!

  2. Yes, you are correct. In all you are saying. I got my answer. Honestly, I walked through such a dark valley recently, there was so much pain in my life recently, that I just have problems to understand that he left me at a time when I really needed him.
    I tell myself that there has to be a good reason for his behavior. The thought that he is just leaving me because he just does not love me anymore is too hard to bear.

  3. @lawyer, that is more than understandable, and it shows, that your really loved. And that alone makes you a wonderful persön, only a wonderful person can truly love. ;)

    But still: only when "the rubber meets the road", you will learn, what a person is really made of.

    I totally agree with the quintessence of what the first 3 comments in your original post said (I understand german too).

    After some time, you will cherish the big luck, to have learned what he seems to be made of, *before* your marriage.

    By the way, you said "he just does not love me *anymore*". Why are you so sure, that he truly loved you ever? Men can be very goal oriented and "love" is more about individual perception, than about a definite state of mind.

    With the tought, that you "lost" his love, because of your actions, you are punishing yourself harshly. May be you should change the viewpoint and ask, whether true love ever existed on his side.

    Because love is not the jewellry, that is given, and not the kindness, and nice words, that are spoken, as long as one expects something important in return.

    True love shows, when nothing is to be gained for yourself, but still you give your life for the beloved person. Obviously he failed in this decisive moment.

    Again, I agree, with what the three commenters more or less said in this regard.

    So please try to look forward, as soon as your can. There are other man - even truely submissive man - out there.

    Go and grab your luck, that is what a dominant does :)

    Best wishes!

  4. I have sent my brief thoughts to your old e mail address. I hope it is still active.