insight, insight, insight

So much has happened in my life in the last weeks, I don`t even know where to start :-)

Since January 1, 2016 I have been actively working on myself. I did course/class after class.

I lost weight with Paul McKenna, I focused on my love life with Katherine Woodward Thomas, I worked on loving myself and the people in my life more with Catherine Ponder, I tapped with Brad Yates, I listened to Abraham Hicks, I worked with Scott Grace. And I found Byron Katie and "the work." All of these "spiritual teachers" have given me valuable input. 

I did nothing but trying to improve me, myself and my life. After all, I had nothing else to do in my private life because there was no man left to focus on ;-)

And the insight I gained was pretty much  mind-blowing. 

I did Byron Kathies work on my believe of: "My ex does not love me anymore" (and I mean "love" in its broadest form, as a woman, as a friend, as a human being,  physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually etc.)

And man, did I get answers! It was like I opened the door and saw a whole new world.

I felt like a fool for a while. I can`t believe how ignorant I had been. For months and years I had been trying to understand what is going on between ex and I, and now I finally see clearer. 

Only I don`t like too much what I see. Because I can see now how much I contributed to the unsatisfying situation between him and I. 

I can see crystal clear now how he has been trying to communicate with me,

how I did not listen carefully enough to the words he was saying, 

how I blocked his efforts to make me understand his side of things,

and I can see clearly how much he had showered me with his love.

I can see how emotional giving he was, 

how open and vulnerable he had been towards me. 

He had no problems showing me his feelings openly, as I had always so strongly demanded. Only I was not able to see and understand the depth of the gift he was giving.

I can see clearly now how I threatened him with my behavior 

and how I contributed to him feeling uncomfortable.

I kid you not, when I first understood as what /or how he might perceive me, I got stomach pain and almost vomited.

(On a side note and only for those of you who are interested: A very eyeopening video I saw is this: eyeopening video. This video was super interesting for me in regards to domestic discipline  as well. It is pretty mind blowing how courageous and open some of the men in the audience share their feelings in the end of the video. It made me realize over and over again how careful I have to be with a man who trusts me enough to be in a domestic discipline relationship with me. I can't watch this video without wanting to frigging spank myself for being sooooo dumb and ignorant towards my Ex.)

In Byron Katies work, one needs to meditate on the specific believe (here for me: "Ex does not love me anymore"), is it really true? how can you positively know that it is true? and then meditate on and work with variations of it:

"I don´t love Ex anymore": The answer was clear as always: Not true. :-)

The key answer for me was found in:

"I don`t love myself anymore"

This has nothing to do with my ex at all. It is just stuff that I carried from my past.

Good news is: I am learning to love myself again :-) I know I am on a good way. 

Not too long ago I read and commented on Lady Greys blog.  You can find the post and comments here:  https://womanincontrol.blogspot.de/2016/05/a-referral.html

There was a misunderstanding, anonymous had made a harmless comment and Lady Grey felt attacked.

Anonymous wrote (to Lady Grey): "all i said was, i like your blog like many others and i wish you'd update it more often, i said nothing rude, my ex was like you, whenever i said something that could mean 2 things, she always assumed the worst, try to change that, people don't like it."

Even though anonymous comment was directed towards lady Grey, I knew immediately that the shoe fits me too. (is this even a saying in English? Not sure. With ex out of my life, my English is getting worse again, *smile.)

And, lol, my feelings did not betray me. Read what fur sissy wrote: 

"Tina, I have followed your blog for years as well. I used to comment there, but I remember you not agreeing with my comments very much (~2012) so I pulled back into the role of spectator. I still am a reader though. "

See, my dear readers, here it is again: i am obviously pretending to love openness and honesty and sharing feelings. And at the same time I am behaving in a way that makes the man withdraw himself and shut up because I did not create an environment where the man feels safe enough to give me his honest thoughts. Pretty interesting thought.