A shattered dream.

It is with deep sadness that I am writing this post. I do feel a need to inform you guys first, before I even tell it to my real life friends and acquaintances. It feels safer to tell it to you first, because you all have been so supportive to me over the years.

I feel deeply humiliated, shameful, and hurt. My life is pretty much shattered and I have no idea how I managed myself to bring me in that crazy situation that I find myself suddenly in.

As you all know, I am German. But for some reason I have always been attracted to american men and the USA. I cant explain what pushes me into that direction, I just know I feel that internal push all my life.

When Gregory came into my life, a big dream came true. I finally had my american man who loves me and cares for me and is happy to commit to me. We dated for 2 years, got married and decided to start the process to live together for good.

Gregory has strong ties to the USA, he cant just move to Germany, and I was more than willing to move to the USA and to him. We started the legal proceedings for my big move almost 2 years ago. 

It was an exciting , emotional (and very expensive) "journey". Never in my life had I expected that my decision to move to the USA would have such a strong impact on my German family of origin. They pretty much all freaked out and were angry with me for - I quote- FORSAKING them. My decision to move to the USA had a huge impact on their financial and personal life too, and it took us all months to emotionally deal with it. Never in my life have I felt so alone. We argued all the time. It felt like my German family blamed me for choosing Gregory over them.

Gregory asked me all the time: when are you finally moving to me? when are you finally coming? and the Germans asked pretty much the same question: when exactly are you leaving? Give us a specific date when you are leaving the (German) house. And I told to all of them: "I cant give you a specific date. It´s just not in my power. I keep the German law firm as long as I can, make money in Germany as long as I can, and as soon as I get the visa/working permit from the USA, I will move to the USA. Me moving to the USA without a working permit does not make any sense. I need to be able to make my own money in the USA. I cant just live off of Gregory for the rest of my life. He´s not loaded with money."

Things went on for months and months, and the pressure I felt under got stronger and stronger. And Covid made things more complicated and even harder. Gregory missed me in the USA and my German family wanted solutions for German (financial and emotional) questions, And I could not satisfy neither Gregory nor the Germans,

When things moved on with the legal proceedings re me moving to the USA, I started to tune my law firm  down. Slowly but surely I accepted less cases, got rid of unnecessary stuff and sorted things out, to eventually move. There were hundred of legal questions. Let me assure you, it is not an easy thing to have a running law firm and intending to move away. But I somehow managed. And found solutions for everything.

I was determined to make it happen. And I made it happen. A few weeks ago I had my interview at the general consulate in Frankfurt. It went well. 2 small papers were still missing, but the case managed actually congratulated me already. He was all like: "Congratulations. Welcome to the USA."

I forwarded the 2 missing papers to the consulate, and started selling all my private belongings. I gave away stuff, sold stuff, threw away stuff and ended up with pretty much 2 suitcases full of items that I would take with me to Gregory in my new life. Nothing else.

I told clients that I am leaving soon, contacted colleagues and made deals with them to take over my running cases that I cant finish myself anymore, due to me leaving on 9/14/2020. I even managed, with the help of a reader of this blog, to make a big dream come true by getting a business class ticket for my one way flight to the USA. My motto was: "Flying business class into my new life". :-)

A few days ago the consulate asked for one more paper, which I sent to them immediately. 

I was expecting to receive my passport with the visa within this week. On Tuesday I thought: It´s getting close now. I hope the passport comes in time for  9/14. 

I was saying good bye to friends, colleagues and acquaintances, my office is empty, my room is empty, everything was ready for the big move.

And yesterday, without any warning and without any explanation I was noticed that my visa has been refused. I have no idea why. No reason was given.

It was a shock, to say the least.

My brain is still asking me: Is this really happening? Is this really true? 

And unfortunately it is true.

I am here in Germany now with just a few clients left, no belongings, no office rooms, and no idea how to proceed. I dont even know where I am gonna stay in the future. My office rooms are about to be rented out, my sister has canceled her rental apartment and is about to move in my room, my clients and colleagues think I will be living in the USA soon and instead I am here in Germany without any job, any plan or any hope.

My passport is still at the general consulate, therefore I cant even take the flight on 9/14 to travel to see Gregory for a few weeks at least. 

And who knows what disadvantages it will bring on the border, if the border agents see that my immigrant visa has been refused. It´s all a nightmare.

I have no idea what the legal possibilities are to "fight" the decision to refuse the visa, but I guess there there wont be a quick fix.

In sum: I am devastated. I am so shocked, I am not even crying anymore.