I have always been open here on my blog. And the following post follows that tradition.
It is not easy to share it with you , but I think it is an important development in my life and in my journey into kink.
Here is the gist of it:
Before I opened the blog, I did not have a sexual relationship or a kinky encounter with any man.
I was a virgin, both sexually and as far as the kink goes.
The first years are well documented here on my blog.
Then I fell in love with a man who seemed to like the kink. We had good times and we decided to marry. I played with open cards right from the beginning. Everything was on my blog. I didnt hide my sexual preferences.
The vanilla aspects of our marriage are good. People are telling us we are a great couple.
In the marriage he let me know verbally and through actions that he is not interested in doing kinky stuff with me any longer.
He still likes the kink, but not doing anything with me.
Well, the question I was facing was: "what now?"
I tried for a while to make him change his mind, but I did not succeed. And me begging him to please let me dominate him is pretty much the least erotic scenario for me.
He made clear that he isnt interested in any kinky activity with me (anymore).
A couple of weeks ago I made one last effort, I dressed up nicely, looked at him with mischief and told him: "Get dressed, let's get a room for a few hours." He stayed on the couch saying: "I am not coming."
So now I am living with a husband who I love and who (allegedly) loves me, but who doesnt give a shit about my sexual desires.
I was never interested in having a boyfriend on the side, or a slave or somebody who enjoys being bossed around just for the fun of it.
And I dont even see a way for me to get my sexual needs met. My husband is not into me/the things I am offering sexually. And me, I dont want a 3rd person involved. It just sucks.
I did the coaching thing recently, it was fun for a while, but one of the guys was not happy with it/me, (I think), and it triggered me badly. So I stopped that.
I dont have any hope anymore to ever get my kink needs fulfilled.
The two men I love or loved stopped doing it with me and I lost all my hope.
All I am doing is masturbating to porn. My life as a dominant woman has ended .
Oh and it is the pandemic, I still havent found a job in the US, and am feeling alone in a foreign country.... but that is a different story.
Oh Tina, I'm so sorry to read this. I hate it so much :(.
ReplyDeleteWere you able to talk seriously about it to learn why he's changed his mind about it, and how he thinks this will work now?
I'm very confused by this:
"He still likes the kink, but not doing anything with me."
What does that mean exactly?
I truly hope that the vanilla relationship is enough to keep you happy, but I hate that you have to deal with this :(.
All the love to you.
Ferns
Thanks, Ferns.
DeleteI think he is afraid of too much closeness. He likes to do these things (the kink) with someone he is not so emotionally connected with. He says it is easier to just go somewhere, get caned or whatever, and move on with the rest of his life.
In my opinion: It's like fast food for him. It's more like just one aspect of his life, like going to Mc Donalds and eating a burger, you just want the burger, not a long emotional talk with the girl at the counter. And it is completely irrelevant who serves you the burger.
( But it cant be me, because I know him too well).
Me, I need it to be deep and personal and emotional close. Having a kinky encounter with a random person is completely uninteresting to me.
Being alone and unemployed in a foreign country is a huge emotional burden. You must be feeling absolutely overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely overwhelmed, yes, that sums it up pretty nicely.
DeleteThis is hard, and for that I am sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteAs humans, we need to feel validation, and no validation is more important than being validated by the ones we love and hold dear.
Wishing you the patience to make it through this difficult of your journey, and wishing you joy and happiness on the other side of this current desert.
Thanks calvin. Your words mean a lot to me. I really dont feel much validation these days.
DeleteIn my marriage, I was that guy. I was failing in every way to validate my wife, and my actions and my attitude were hurting her emotionally.
DeleteIt takes years to fix those problems, and it takes forever to heal those wounds (I accept that, now). I always feel like an idiot offering advice, so please consider what I say as if my intentions were to be helpful and supportive without violating your space: If he is willing to talk about any of this, ask him if he has desire to grow with you, desire to find some ways that he can change inside (even if it takes time) to be that special piece that completes your puzzle, that person who becomes a forever part of your heart.
Be prepared for any answer, and even a bad answer is not necessarily his final answer. (What I mean is that the first answer is sometimes bad, but men have a habit of realizing what they are losing only later, and that can wake them up. In my own case, we had already separated before I realized that there was something worth fixing, truly worth sacrificing for.)
At some level, though, you do need hope. Whether you generate that for yourself for some period of time, or whether he gives you some inkling of the possibility of hope, you still need hope. And at some point, if he is unwilling to give you that possibility, you will still need hope, and you must never allow yourself to deny yourself that hope.
And as long as you write, you are never truly alone.
Man, calvin true, thank you so very much. Your message is very comforting and even somewhat healing for me. I appreciate your input very much. I am resonating with your words a lot. Thanks for taking the time to write this comment.
DeleteI'm very sorry to hear this. Have you asked him what he likes specifically? Could it be that you are on different pages? I do hope you find happiness.
ReplyDeleteI think he has certain dream scenarios, and whatever I am offering does not match his dreams. Thank you for your support, cl.
DeleteI understand your frustration, mine also has lost interest. It's very difficult to even try to have a little fun. So now like you masterbate to porn. I have even tried pegging myself to see if I can enjoy that.
ReplyDeleteFrustration, yes, that's the right term. Very frustrating and humiliating.
DeleteYou made it abundantly clear that what I have to say is of no interest to you, but for some of us, “kink” is by definition and design a dissociated activity that we (unconsciously) use to avoid real intimacy because of being betrayed or hurt very early in life. As a result, working it into a relationship can be very challenging, especially if (like me) it is very ritualistic, as I believe may be the case for those of us who (unconsciously) use it as means of trauma repetition.
ReplyDelete"for some of us, “kink” is by definition and design a dissociated activity that we (unconsciously) use to avoid real intimacy because of being betrayed or hurt very early in life."
DeleteYes, I understand that. There is no point in arguing. It is as it is. I have attracted more than enough of these men who use kink to avoid real intimacy.
Me, I am a real intimacy seeker.
In the scenario you describe it is all about the guy and what he wants/ or thinks he wants. I guess that is one reason why pro dommes are so frigging expensive. They offer a service, they play a role where their own needs and personality totally disappears, where their needs dont matter at all. It's all about giving the guy what he wants, whether it is good for him or not. The domme is just an exchangeable tool to avoid real intimacy. They are hired to provide a service and are at the same time, by the same people, blamed for even providing that service.
“ In the scenario you describe it is all about the guy and what he wants/ or thinks he wants”.
ReplyDeleteYes. Because In that scenario it is a compulsion and obsession to recreate and perform the ritual. It is an addiction that is initially used to protect the addict. Unfortunately, like other addictions, it can turn on you and destroy your life or at least make it very hollow and empty.
I’m guessing that last sentence is a shot at me. So, I’ll address it.
The only time I had problems with a “service provider” is when - with one person - intimacy began to develop. The “arms length” transactions were OK for 30 years prior to that. I do think that, in effect, the service providers are profiting by exploiting an addictive need that arises from unhealed wounds, but many (or most) of them do it unconsciously. I didn’t even know that until I learned enough about the person’s private life to know that she truly is sadistic and enjoys inflicting real suffering on non-masochists through her DD lifestyle, which caused me to look at WTF I was doing to myself. I was simultaneously drawn to her and horrified by her, and that internal conflict ultimately spilled over into our interactions.
That may not be everyone’s story, but it is definitely mine and others I have known. I hope for his sake that your husband is not burdened by anything like this and that his “kink” is nothing more than harmless fun. That was what I thought it was for me for over 30 years until it exploded in my face.
The good news is that my reactions to the cruelty of the person in question have caused me to look at where I have been cruel or lacking in compassion, which has improved my life quite a bit. Some of what I post has actually helped some people, so I do it even when (as here) I get hostile reactions to it.
It is super triggering for me to read how it is all about you and your crusade for the suffering and abused men. We both agree that abuse is terrible. Nobody should suffer and being abused.
DeleteI dont feel seen by you at all. I feel like there is stuff projected on me that has nothing to do with me. It is all always about you , your experience, your crusade, etc etc etc
FFS, we are here on my blog, the only space where I have room to talk about my needs and my wants and my desires. No man was ever intentionally harmed by me. No man was ever in danger while being with me. No man needs to be protected from me.
I have been abused by quite a few men.
"The good news is that my reactions to the cruelty of the person in question have caused me to look at where I have been cruel or lacking in compassion" ....well, keep up the work, maybe one day you will even find compassion for me.
You’re missing the point. I am talking about what unconsciously drives people to do this. I was just explaining a phenomenon that may have relevance to your husband’s reluctance to practice kink with you because you seemed upset by it. Then I responded to your last sentence which seemed directed at me. Nothing I said was a shot at you.
DeleteI think I see more of you than you believe.
I am speculating, but I would imagine for you, the awful things that happened to you growing up drove you (unconsciously) to only feel safe when you have authority over men and to feel unsafe or unloved otherwise. You are drawn to them and scared by them at the same time. The need (unconsciously) became sexualized and very strong. The kink may have arisen to protect you from being vulnerable to men because when you were actually vulnerable, they harmed you - a lot.
So perhaps you crave intimacy and connection but the kink part of you is there to keep you safe. It’s two sides of the same coin. The person I am talking about, while an admitted sadist, would become panicky and frightful when she was not in control, even when she was simply a passenger in a car being driven by someone else. I never found out what happened to her as a kid, but I feel confident that something abusive did.
So, I do have compassion for you because I believe we are two sides of the same coin. I will always have more allegiance to and concern for submissive guys because I identify with them and because their kink adds more suffering, but it seems to me that the dominant and submissive are both locked in a struggle to be intimate and connected while still feeling safe. For whatever reason it manifests as dominance in some and submission in others, but it is still a somewhat dissociated way of trying to achieve connection.
Of course, I could be entirely wrong. I was really just trying to explain based on my experience how someone in your husband’s position could be drawn to practice his kink outside of the marriage because that is exactly what happened to me. I am sorry it was triggering. I thought it might at least make sense out of a difficult situation. I thought you might be confused about how that could be the case and that I could shed some light on it.
D/S is education. It's not unlike marriage. something is there that attracts you. Good relationships build on that initial attraction.
DeleteI think that kink works that way too. In my many years as a top, I learned that the dance begins with me hearing the bottom's fantasy(ies). If I want to play with the woman, I pick the fantasy closest to what I like. Bottoms frequently want to be depersonalized. It's exciting to imagine all the sensations are inflicted by an unfeeling, cruel top who will send you on your way after amusing her/himself with the bottom.
In my experience, the "price" the bottom has to pay me for pretending to be an uncaring brute is, after the scene, showering me with love and affection including effusive gratitude for the work I put in doing the topping.
The scene itself is a realization of fantasy. Over time, what started as the bottom's dream, morphs into shared play that is incredibly rewarding to both.
The extended "gratitude" after the fantasy is brought to life, becomes an entity in its own right. In my experience, over time, the bottom learns to crave it as much as the impersonal fantasy.
In my experience, the challenge is to subtly change the kink to improve my pleasure. It always starts with wish fulfillment. You wave your wand and make his fantasies come to life. After he has a chance to experience this for a while, it's relatively easy to add new dimensions to his dream that also turn you on.
James and CL, I appreciate your words and your support.
DeleteI apologize if I am sometimes not fully able to hear what you guys are saying because I am triggered so easily and I am hurting and therefore my brain shuts down.
So terribly sorry to hear this, Miss Tina. It's a situation I and many, many other men are only too familiar with. Maybe not the part about only wanting kink with someone else but definitely the part about not wanting it, period. It feels like a huge loss and betrayal when in the past it was participated in with enthusiasm and eagerness.
ReplyDeleteSo ironic that you - a dominant woman, sensual, loving, generous, open-minded, a virtual unicorn to be honest - is rebuffed by a submissive man. Thousands of men would give their left nut (many literally) to have a woman like you. You are the dream girl of so many.
No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, just understanding and empathy. I hope you and your husband can at least prosper in other areas of your relationship and are able to love, trust, and respect each other.
Try to enjoy the Christmas holidays and all the best to you in the new year.
Thank you, FL.
DeleteHello.
ReplyDeleteSo sad to hear about the current situation.
Obviously, I can only hope that, in this regard; Good Things will soon return to your life.
However, I won't patronise you by suggesting my fond wishes should somehow override your insight, self awareness and intelligence.
You are indeed '..sensual, loving, generous, open-minded' as mentioned above.
Let's hope in the new year, we can add 'a little luckier' to that list :)
Take care!
John
Thank you, John.
DeleteThank you, Clarence.
ReplyDeleteTina,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds terrible. The only thing I can say is that I hope you will do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Michael_Michael
Thanks. Yes, it sucks. I am doing the best I can.
DeleteSeems he chose to marry you only to ignore your wish list. Your dreams. What you shared publicly a decade ago. ...sentiments about your wants and desires that many people hide. He agreed (entered into the vow of marriage), surrendered nothing (compared to what you had to leave behind), and then, when you gave everything up for him and came here to live with him, changed his mind?
ReplyDeleteAre you looking forward to the rest of your life with someone who did this? He lied to you. If he made any vows when you married, he crossed his fingers. Shame on him. Shame on you if you think divorce is not an option. As a lawyer, you know better.
What people say about you seeming to be a happy couple. Objection overruled. Sit down. It means nothing, Vinny.
If you do decide to divorce, I hope to read here someday that his papers were served while he was "staying on the couch",
If you live to be 90, that's decades of giving him what he wants and decades of you not getting what you need.
Marriage, moving, jobs.... none of this is a life sentence for frustration and unhappiness.
Friday, March 19, 2010
First reactions
Since I first started this blog, various men have asked me to tell them, what kind of man I am looking for. Ok, my friends here comes my wish list:
A man who is independent in real life, someone who is willing and able to commit to our relationship. A man who does not expect me to be the ruthless dominatrix 24/7 but who is nevertheless accepting me being in charge. If there is- in my oppinion- need for a punishment, the guy has to have the ability to come to terms with everything I administer. Spankings, corner time, writing lines, doing chores, early bed times, orgasmus denial, scolding, humiliating or any other inventing punishment might be in store for him. Someone who wants to get both my love and my correction.
I am looking for the real deal here. Not only a loose braggy internet contact but a honest, reliable real life partner.