I am in a very strange spot emotionally.
I am emotionally tired and unhappy, but at the same time I dont know what to change or where to go from here.
I dont want to go back to Germany, I realized that my place is not in Germany anymore. I might go back in a few years, but going back now would not help at all.
For years I wanted to live where my ex boyfriend lived. But I have finally understood that this was a dream that did not come to fruition.
I am not happy with many aspects of my life at the moment. But I dont know where to go and what else to do. So I am staying.
It feels like I dont have any energy left for new dreams.
I think the smartest thing I can do is to focus on the bar exam and somehow pass this damn thing.
I feel like Richard Gere in this movie clip.
I am 3 weeks away from flying to California and writing the bar exam again. I booked the flight, but no hotel and no car yet. Once again, as so often over the last 20 years, I dont have any money. It all seems so pointless.
I feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself for having so stupid money blocks and beliefs around money. I have worked hard on it in the last 10 years or so. And I spent months last year getting my money mindset in order.
But here I am again, improvising and struggling. And I hate it. I hate myself for being in this place. I should be able to just go and rent a beautiful hotel room and get a nice rental car for 5 frigging nights to have a safe spot where I can stay while writing the exam. No big deal, one would think. But hey, we are talking about me and my life. Everything is complicated in my life when it comes to money.
I am thinking about options of sleeping in the smallest/cheapest rental car in California in order to safe money and get to the convention center where the bar exam is written on time. I am exhausted and scared already and I got 3 more weeks of studying and problem solving ahead of me.
Anyways, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening/reading.
:((. I'm so sorry to hear this. I had hoped your vanilla relationship was going well enough to fulfil most of your the emotional needs, even if the kink was off the table.
ReplyDeleteI know it's none of my business, but doesn't your husband support you in your quest to pass the bar, and if so why wouldn't he help pay for it? It's something positive for both of you as a couple for you to pass it.
Ferns
Thanks Ferns. If I should ever come to Australia, I absolutely wanna have a cup of coffee with you. You have followed my journey pretty much since the beginning. You can ask me anything :-)
DeleteMy husband is supportive. He really wants me to pass the exam and has paid for all sorts of things in regard to the exam, eg books, courses, online lectures. He also paid for the flight.
He wants us to stay married. He says he loves me. And I still think he is an attractive guy. I love him too. But sometimes, as I had to learn, love alone is not enough.
The vanilla aspects of the marriage are mostly ok. And we are taking care of an elderly family member together, 24/7/365. In that regard I am 100% sure we are doing something that most couples could not do. It is so sad to watch a loved one suffering from alzheimers / dementia.
Tina, I feel for you. But, I get the sense you're a survivor and will pull through this. I'm going through some challenges, myself, and I can understand how thoughts of self-doubt can enter your mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate your words of support.
DeleteGood luck on your exam. That's a hard thing to do, and it should give you a feeling of accomplishment. Once that is out of the way, you will have more energy to concentrate on your personal life. Then, you should be able to make the right decisions. Hope all goes well!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rich!
DeleteI wish you all the best on the bar exam. I hope it brings many good things your way.
ReplyDeleteDepending on where you are at in California, mass transit or Uber/Lyft is preferable to a rental car. (In most of the USA you don't have much of a choice.)
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, AirB&B (or whatever it's called) may be much better than a hotel for your situation. The US doesn't really have much of a Hostel system, unfortunately.
Best wishes for your exams. We are all applauding your efforts and cheering for you!
Good luck on the exam! Hope you're able to stay as positive as possible, but this is clearly a difficult time for you. It's very hard on a relationship when one party isn't satisfied sexually, particularly if it started off so well. Graham
ReplyDeleteThank you to all who reached out to me and / or commented. Tomorrow is the bar exam. Keep your fingers crossed for me :-)
ReplyDelete