My life in the US

 "The Bar can be tough, are you in the US or Germany your blog isn't clear only that you are looking for a job in the US and it seems like you broke up with the guy you were seeing."

Ok, let's use this comment as a jumping off ground.

I am in the US and I have every intention to stay here. My place is in the US now. I am in close contact with my family in Germany, and I don't feel drawn to move back to Germany. It took me so long to move to the US, now I wanna stay here. 

I am still married and I intend to stay married. He doesn't want me to blog about him, so I am trying to do that.

The bar exam results will be out on May 6th. I would be very lucky to have passed. It was TOUGH. It was really really tough. But we will see.

I am looking for all sorts of jobs and I am doing all sorts of little jobs already. I am still trying to find something that I enjoy doing and that pays the bills. I am all over the place job wise these days. Totally different jobs I am applying to and totally different little gigs that I am doing. Plus I am a caretaker of a family member here in the US. I am spread thin emotionally already, and I have not even started a "real" job yet.

I am not interested in kink these days. I am pretty much ignoring the fact that I am a woman. I have moved into an emotional place/position where I have been before. I see myself as a human being, not necessarily as a woman, and my female side is pretty much dormant. That is not an ideal place to be in, but I know that I can stay in it for quite some time. I spent years in that stage in the past.

Another comment on my blog said:

Somehow you manage to hit on the exact right (for me anyway) combination of tender/loving/giving and strict/cruel/demanding.

Sigh.

Well, in all honesty: I know that I have a lot to offer to the right guy. And I know that I AM offering a lot to my husband. But he is not taking my offers and I gotta decide what I do with the rejection that I am feeling.

It hurts, that's for sure. But there is nothing I can do to change it. I did draw him into my life, and now I am trying to learn the lessons that I need to learn.  I think the more I push, the more he pulls away, That's why I stopped pushing completely. I am actively reminding myself not to touch him. I don't want to touch somebody who does not want to be touched by me. I don't want to touch somebody who is not enjoying touching me back. He is petting the dog constantly, whereas he does not seem to feel a need to touch me. He keeps telling me that I am being "silly" and that "it is not a competition between the dog and you" but I am really hurt by watching him being so tender and soft and sweet to the dog, but not showing that side with/to me.

My sister had a theory that sounds pretty accurate. She said: "in the kink/in our sex life we are all trying to feed the parts of us/our soul that we usually don't feed in real life. We crave for something that doesn't have a place in our day to day life."

It looks like that for me and my husband "real life" has taken over completely. Without even realizing it, he is dominant as fuck. And me, I am flexible and adaptable as fuck. I am bending myself backwards but it is never good enough. 

Nothing is left from the initial F/M dynamic.

I watched him deliver a speech the other day, I was sitting right behind him while he was standing and speaking, and I looked at him from behind and thought: "He is so good at it. He looks so handsome. What a man." 

Basically: I have become the supportive wife in the back. We are pretty much M/F now.

The thing is: I still think he is a great guy. That is why his rejection of anything physical is so hurtful for me. I know he is not cheating on me. I think he gets the warmth and physical contact that he needs from petting and playing with the dog and from enjoying my presence and my cooking. But for me, it is a totally different scenario: it feels like having the most touchable person right in front of me, but not being allowed to touch him.

I am more and more open to the idea of having an open relationship. I wonder if it would make things easier for me...just to know that he is married to me but that we are feeding our needs with different persons....Who knows. 

I am also very very very reluctant to opening myself up to new men in my life.

The way how I see F/M stuff, it involves a lot of responsibility and care and giving. I know, it should all be about me receiving, lol, but it has never been that way for me. Being the F in a F/M relationship , for me, was always linked with having responsibility and looking out for the guy and wanting his best. It took me over 7 years, literally, to get over my ex boyfriend.

He was the first one who gave himself to me, he let me be the "F" in a F/M relationship  I always  wanted to be. He opened his heart to me. He let me feed the parts of my soul that had never gotten any food before. I will forever be connected with this guy, even though he is ignoring me since 2014 now. He has refused to speak a word with me ever since he broke up with me.

I learned only recently that he has a new girlfriend. And I gotta tell you: This news made me super happy. This might be surprising to you, but it was such a relief to hear that he is in a relationship and doing well in life. It felt like a huge burden has lifted off of my shoulders. It felt like: Now I am not responsible anymore.

I think it is very safe to say: I dont take F/M lightly. I see it as a huge commitment. I see it as being handed the keys to another persons soul and I want to honor that.

Anyway, that suddenly became a very personal post. 

I am not sure if my words even make sense to you, but that's all I can share with you.