I am not good at balance in a relationship

In response to my last blog post, I received some interesting questions:

"But what about YOU? What do YOU want from an F/M relationship, what does it do for you? Is it sexual, as it is for most men? Forgive my crudeness but does it make you wet? Or is it more cerebral? Is it a desire for power, to be heard and respected and it's a way of achieving that? Does it give you a sense of worth that you feel is lacking in a more balanced relationship?

Do you want a man to give up everything to you, every atom of his being to simply obey you? I can understand the attraction of that, I think, but how does that work in real life? There are jobs and family and illness and celebrations and grieving and a million other things that make up life and that are more joyful or more bearable when shared with a partner. I don't think I could handle having those profound moments in my life dismissed by the woman I was devoted to, no matter how deep my submission." 

I am having problems answering some of these questions. I realize that my inner censor starts to kick in before I even bring my thoughts on paper. Nevertheless, I" ll give it a try.

For me, a F/M discipline relationship is sexual, yes. It turns me on very much. It always has. It's the stuff I masturbate to. It makes me wet and happy and gives me a wonderful feeling of being seen.

And it is also cerebral, yes. I have a huge need to be heard and respected. And domestic discipline has given me great moments where these needs were  met. The thing is, in my vanilla life I am a very service oriented person. It makes me happy to help other people and to support them and to be there for them. That's why I always had many clients when I was working as a lawyer. The people could feel that I was honestly interested in their well being. I genuinly cared for them and they could feel it. The same is happening in my new job as a nanny now. The toddler adores me and the parents value me because I am the most reliable nanny they have ever met. I tune into their needs and try to meet them. And more often than not I am very successful at it. 

I think here on my blog I might sometimes come off as weak and needy and whiney. But I  know that in my life I am able to solve all the problems that life is throwing in my direction.I had to learn at an early age to be responsible and self reliable. I am a problem solver. And I had to solve most problemes of my life alone. I am always full of ideas, I see opportunities, I am very flexible and I am always working on different projects. 

I sometimes ask men who contact me " tell me about yourself: what do you need me for, are you benefitting by being pushed or by being slowed down?"  I personally prefer the men who are driven, who need to be slowed down a bit. I can relate to them much more. 

But the past shows that I seem to attract men who (for whatever reasons ) are blocking themselves a bit from reaching their potential. I think they feel attracted by my strength and my energy. They enjoy the fact that a strong woman is there for them and their needs and they dont see that I need pampering too. My mom tells me it is hard to see/understand/know that I have needs too because allegedly I radate so much energy and ideas and an air of: I can do it.

T have been asked: " Is it a desire for power, to be heard and respected and is it a way of achieving that? Does it give you a sense of worth that you feel is lacking in a more balanced relationship? Thinking about it, yes, it is exactly like that, In a more balanced relationship, in my experiencem for me. there is no balance but I am doing all the heavy lifting. And that sucks. Big time. 

I see the man's submission in a relationship as a sign that he sees and appreciates and values everything I am doing fot him and the relationship. I work my ass off to make money, I keep the house clean, I cook, I go shopping and do all sorts of errands, etc ettc etc. And in a way, I am ok with it. But I want to have the feeling that the man sees and values what i am doing for him. I am ok with me being more driven than he is, and me having more ideas and me being out working while he is playing golf with friends. 

The man on my side has a good life. I will always make sure of it. The one thing I need from him is to let me have control and power in the privacy of our relationship. I am not expecting him to be my slave, but I want him to have my back.