Today was one of those days when everything seems to fall apart. I felt sad, discouraged, and helpless — as if the whole world had turned against me. I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically, and my thoughts have been heavy all day. My heart is hurting. Physically and emotionally.
But through all that darkness, there was one thing that gave me strength: the thought of you — my readers, my community. Just knowing you’re out there, that there are people who understand me, who have connected with what I’ve written over the years — that thought alone got me through today.
It’s strange how powerful that can be. You might not even realize the impact you’ve had on me, how much your presence, your messages, your quiet companionship across distance and time have meant. You have carried me through more moments than I can count.
Over the years of writing this blog, I’ve met wonderful people — people who have changed my life. Many of you, I never would have met without this space. You’ve reminded me that even when life feels unbearable, connection still exists. That kindness still exists. That hope still exists. And truly, that’s what saved me today.
Because today, I also realized something painful. My marriage can’t go on this way. I begged my husband to do something, to meet me halfway, to show me he still cared — and he did too little and too late. It broke something inside me. This isn’t about strength or control; it’s about love, presence, and being seen.
We may have to move out of our home, and I don’t even know if I can imagine starting over again with him. Deep down, I know I have to make a choice — to stay or to walk away.
I don’t have the strength to talk about it with friends anymore. I’ve told the story too many times already. But when I think about you — the people who’ve been with me through this blog — something inside me softens. Sometimes I look up your names on the internet, on YouTube, follow what you’re doing, see your lives unfolding. And it fills me with quiet joy and hope.
I see you and I know that the world still holds good people.
So thank you — truly — to every one of you who’s been there through all these years.
Even when I couldn’t be strong, you helped me stay alive inside.
Maybe my “career” as a strong woman ends today.
Or maybe this is where the real story begins — the one of a woman who knows what it means to be broken, but still chooses to stay open to the world.
I am so, so sorry to hear that you are going through such an awfully difficult time. You gave up so much to move to the U.S. to be with him and now it sounds as though it's over.
ReplyDeleteIf you truly believe that your relationship cannot be saved, do yourself (and him) a favour and end it. Hanging on to something that isn't there only leads to greater heartbreak. Moving out of your current home provides an opportunity for separate fresh starts. Go back to Germany, move to the south of France, hell, come to Canada if you can stand the cold half the year. Just don't stay where everything will remind you of what's gone.
I wish you nothing but the best Tina. You've given your readers so much over the years. If it helps at all, you have my email and you're welcome to vent any time.
Take care.
-FL
Thank you FL!!!
DeleteDear Tina:
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's very difficult when a long-term relationship ends: so much loss. I agree with FL: try to go somewhere where you aren't reminded of the loss, if that's possible. We are thinking of you out here in the internet.
Thank you!
DeleteI am so sorry to read what you are going through. I can never feel what you feel...but your words hang heavy in my mind and heart.
ReplyDeleteI also want you to share with you that I have been following your blog for a very, very long time and always enjoyed your frankness, truthfulness and generosity of spirit to share so much.
I'm very guilty of staying in the background, lurking if you will, and not taking the time to comment. I'm sure there are others like me as well.
That being said, your circle of friends here is probably much bigger than you think.
God bless you. There are people who care.
terrie
Thank you. You all mean a lot to me.
DeleteDear Tina,
ReplyDeletevery sorry to read that! I also had to go through this more than 20 years ago. And it was not me making the decision, it was my ex-wife who thought she missed/misses something in her life being with me. It hurt a lot, it hurt for years, maybe it still hurts being called somebody who does someone bad. One thing I learned during that time, and it was a new experience for me: Seek for professional help! Nobody can help with making decisions or accepting someone else's decisions. But a professional can help reflecting on one's own feelings and thoughts to get clear(er) about them! And this will definitely help going through hard, sometimes painful times.
The other thing I learned is being open for changes although such changes might lead into a dark tunnel in a first step where we don't see and end. These changes might look and feel scary, but nobody expects you to run through that dark tunnel. Take baby steps, but take them ... because with many baby steps one after the other you can also pass that dark tunnel. Maybe not as fast as you personally would like to pass that tunnel, but patience will pay out as you might not strike against each and every rock that lies about in that dark tunnel.
I am not very good in psychology, so apologize for the flat advises. For me personally that tunnel was the start into my transformation, I learned to trust in changes, to trust in my submission, to trust in my (true) self. Today I am proud that I left the tunnel as the woman I feel today. Not everyone likes or accepts that change ... but those who do love her, love me unconditional. So after all it was worth passing that tunnel!
Liebe Gruesse und ganz viel Kraft
Kirsten
Vielen Dank!
DeleteSo sorry to hear this is happening. I hope you find peace and fullfillment in whatever direction you choose. AG. Aka Hermes
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteIch lese oft, aber kommentiere selten, weiß also nicht genau was ich jetzt schreiben soll. Die Zeilen machen mich betroffen, weil du offenbar leidest und in einer unsicheren Situation bist. Ich wünsche dir, dass du da schnell durch kommst und alle Probleme schnell lösen kannst.
ReplyDeleteJa, das war wirklich eine beschissene Zeit. Ich hangle mich von Tag zu Tag. Danke fuer deine lieben Worte.
DeleteI too have been following your bog for a long time and have come to have great admiration and feeling for you. Although this is a difficult call for you to have to make, you may have to make the hard choice and go out on your own. You've had so many conflicts with him and it doesn't seem from this vantage point that this will change. You have great talents and skills you can use. I hope you stay in the U.S. but if you see better opportunities elsewhere, fine. As bad as things seem here, I believe we will see some positive change, hopefully after this year's elections.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me.
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