Once again Ferns has made a very smart comment about me.
You are a soft-hearted woman, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you don’t get pummelled by it over and over again.
I figured it would probably be helpful to explain what`s going on in my life right now.
Basically: My grandma, with whom I live, is in a very bad condition. She suffers from dementia and cardiac insufficiency and it is breaking my heart to watch her getting weaker and weaker on a daily basis.We are taking care of her as a family, no outside help is involved. And I think it is fair to say that I am the one who does most of the work in regards to grandma.
Christmas Eve was draining. One of the strangest evenings in my whole life.
At the one hand, it was a very peaceful and quiet evening. Only grandma, me and 2 other persons. We had good food, nice talks and even sung lots of Christmas songs, with grandma remembering every single line of each Christmas song. But at the same time there was the constant aura of "good bye" in the room. As it looks now, it was the last Christmas Eve we celebrated with grandma. And even now, just writing this post, tears are running down my face. It is just so fucking sad.
Grandma had big health problems in May already, and in the last 7 or so months, every morning, one of the first things I do is checking if she is still alive....
I love her so much. I can not find words to describe what she means to me.
In such a situation, when I am kind of fighting against death constantly, I am not expecting real troubles comming from the friends/partner/ or even internet friends.
I have this feeling of: when times are tough, we need to stick together. And I am willing to give people whatever they wanna have, in order to make them happy. My reasoning is something like: If I am not in a position to be really happy myself right now, if I am not able of stoping grandma from dying (i know, I know... I am not superhuman....) I want at least have happy people around me. And I want to give what I can give.
I still believe that being "nice" does pay off in the end. I do not want to become bitter or mean or egoistic. I want to keep that "naivete" that so many seem to see in me. I need to stick to that alledged naivete, I need to believe in the good of people, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing naive in my real life these days.
So, in closing, there is a good chance that I will be pummelled in the future. I know I am giving people a lot. But I am doing it consciously, in order to not lose my mind with all the real life challenges.