Sunday, December 25, 2011

christmas tenderness

Once again Ferns has made a very smart comment about me. 

 You are a soft-hearted woman, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you don’t get pummelled by it over and over again.
I figured it would probably be helpful to explain what`s going on in my life right now.

Basically: My grandma, with whom I live, is in a very bad condition. She suffers from dementia and cardiac insufficiency and it is breaking my heart to watch her getting weaker and weaker on a daily basis.We are taking care of her as a family, no outside help is involved. And I think it is fair to say that I am the one who does most of the work in regards to grandma.

Christmas Eve was draining. One of the strangest evenings in my whole life.
At the one hand, it was a very peaceful and quiet evening. Only grandma, me and 2 other persons. We had good food, nice talks and even sung lots of Christmas songs, with grandma remembering every single line of each Christmas song. But at the same time there was the constant aura of "good bye" in the room. As it looks now, it was the last Christmas Eve we celebrated with grandma. And even now, just writing this post, tears are running down my face. It is just so fucking sad.

Grandma had big health problems in May already, and in the last 7 or so months, every morning, one of the first things I do is checking if she is still alive....
I love her so much. I can not find words to describe what she means to me.

In such a situation, when I am kind of fighting against death constantly, I am not expecting real troubles comming from the friends/partner/ or even internet friends.

I have this feeling of: when times are tough, we need to stick together. And I am willing to give people whatever they wanna have, in order to make them happy. My reasoning is something like: If I am not in a position to be really happy myself right now, if I am not able of stoping grandma from dying (i know, I know... I am not superhuman....) I want at least have happy people around me. And I want to give what I can give.

I still believe that being "nice" does pay off in the end. I do not want to become bitter or mean or egoistic. I want to keep that "naivete" that so many seem to see in me. I need to stick to that alledged naivete, I need to believe in the good of people, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing naive in my real life these days.

So, in closing, there is a good chance that I will be pummelled in the future. I know I am giving people a lot. But I am doing it consciously, in order to not lose my mind with all the real life challenges.


  1. Light Comes Home

    There was once a lantern. It gave just the right amount of light to serve those around it, and used no more oil than they could spare.

    But then one day the lantern fell and broke. The people who relied on it were sad. But their oldest told them, “Think of the light it has sent. The light that even now still travels in the universe; light cannot die and travels forever through space.”

    The people thought about the light.

    At first they thought about it as a ritual, obediently picturing the old one’s words. But then, imagination let them see it in their minds eye and it became their own, and they started to feel excitement. A thrill swept through them as they realized that what the old one had said was real: their light, from their lantern, really was out there. They felt connection, affection—and love.

    And that light, which did indeed exist, and did travel, felt their love. And as light has weight, and love has pull, the light started to turn, to where it was called.

    “It returns,” the old one said.

    ‘It returns,’ the people joyfully echoed the old one’s words in their heads (simply because they could), they saw the truth of it, felt the truth of it. They sensed their light turning back to them. They felt its realness touching back across the void to them. Back to them; back to its source.

    Only now it was coming from all corners of the universe, all directions. From all around them. And also, now, it was filled with purpose, filled with the love that called it; enriching and drawing with it all that was around it, turning all in the direction to which it was called.

    And so the knowing built between the people and the light grew again, building more power and more brightness.

    So much so that, in time, the people could see it coming, coming from all around them, drawing nearer until they were surrounded by an ever closing circle of brilliance that at any moment would engulf them.

    Within seconds the light arrived and the people were opened and the light blazed into their hearts. And the people became a lantern.

    And light traveled out again, and again, and again…

  2. Hi Tina,

    I'm going to simply say, take care.


  3. *smile* Don't get me wrong, I was sincere in saying there is nothing wrong with it, but equally serious about the pummelling.

    "I am willing to give people whatever they wanna have, in order to make them happy."

    But then you have to expect that there will be those who will have no interest in giving you what *you* want or need, and they will take advantage of your generosity.

    Let's be blunt and say that for the most part, we are *not* talking about lofty things here: offering yourself up as wank fodder will get you wankers (crude, I know, but the talk of lanterns made me all metaphysical...). You seem to be baffled at how this works over and again, and it is frustrating because even though you are an internet stranger, you deserve better! Friends do not treat friends that way, ergo these people are not your friends if they do that!

    Random wanker guy is NOT going to be lovely to you after you have spanked him, he is going to go 'see ya next time' and waltz out the door perfectly happy with the situation unless you demand better for yourself.

    That is the cost, and as long as you recognise it, then hopefully the awareness will allow you to set your expectations appropriately.

    I do hope that you only strike the good people in your travels, and I am sending good wishes to your family. I am sorry that you are going through these tough times. Gather your friends around you, I do hope you have that support. *virtual hugs*


  4. @all: thanks for your support.

  5. Best wishes and perhaps this year you will find your man. I am sure he is out there somewhere waiting for your firm hand and loving touch.
    Michael M

  6. I have been all too familiar with death and dying in the last few years. Pets, people, dreams. The one thing that has become most evident to me is that you must take the time and energy to take care of yourself. Don't give all of yourself away, save some. You are going to need a small part of yourself to act as the seed for your recovery.

  7. Tina, though we've never met I'm quite fond of you and wish you the best. Sorry you're going through bad times. XO