Saturday, October 4, 2014

All is well!

The good thing in my life is: Everything is always working out for me.
In the last days and weeks I did a lot of emotional work. I meditated, I turned inwards, I focused on myself and on my well being. And I was able to find my peace of mind again.

The summer had been pretty overwhelming. My beloved grandma passed away in June. I had been dreading this moment for years. She was the first person who saw me. She was present at my birth and we were very close all through my life. I loved her deeply. And she had said many times that I am the joy of her life. She was a wonderful human being. Full of love and warmth. I was with her and held her hand when she died. She was the first person to see me alive and I was the last person to see her alive.

On the day of her death I had been working all afternoon in my office and returned to her around 6 pm. I was supposed to write a legal paper on that evening and so when I returned home from work I prepared some food and took the food and my laptop up in grandmas room. I made myself comfortable in her room, right next to her bed, sat with her and tried to comfort her, and I tried to get some legal work done. Very soon I realised that she was in a bad condition and that I won`t get any work done anymore today. It became obvious that there were more important things to do. Namely just being with her, just holding her hand, just talking to her in a soothing voice and telling her that it is ok now for her to "go" and that I love her deeply. 

And by divine intervention, just when I realized that "now" might be the dreaded day, my man sent me a computer instant message and we started a many hours long conversation. He was connected to me the whole evening through. He was my life line at the presence of death. He provided me with hope and a new beginning when my old life and my beloved grandma were about to die. He was wonderful. He was doing an amazing job. He showed all the traits I so very much love in him.  He was warm, and strong, and soft and understanding and compasionate and tender. He supported me when her condition worsened and he was virtually with me when she died. At the moment when I needed him most he was there for me. Just thinking at it now brings tears to my eyes. I am lacking words to describe what an enormous help he has been over the years and especially on that day.

My grandma loved him deeply. She always enjoyed talking about him. She met him in person when he came to see me in Germany some time ago, and despite the language difficulties and despite the fact that she was already in a very weak condition, she understood how important he is for me. One day I said to my grandma: "grandma, you are the best that ever happened to me" and she replied by saying: "thank you, but the best that ever happened to you is X (name of my man)." 

After grandmas death my life changed quite a bit. I was still mourning her death, I felt fragile and sad and at the very same time I had to deal with huge financial challenges. For quite a while I feared that I might lose my home and that I might need to move with my law firm out of grandmas house.

We had looked after grandma for a long time and my emotions were raw. I was tired and at my limits. I did not have emotional resources left. I did not see any sense in staying in Germany and fighting against some family members who claim an enormous amount out of grandmas heritage. I just did not want to fight with family members when I was still mourning grandmas death. And I knew that grandma would not have wanted for the family to fight for her heritage. She was a big believer in peace and change of perspectives. She always wanted that the different family members do get along with each other, 

So for me moving into the USA seemed to be the solution at hand. Grandma had been the reason that had held me in Germany in the last years. There had been no way for me to move to a different continent when she needed me in Germany. After her death and with a difficult law suit hanging over me like a sword of Damocles, it looked as if moving to the USA seemed to be the right step.

Even though he rarely said it, I was always sure that my man loved me. His actions spoke volumes. In the past, due to our relationship dynamic, I had often made big decisions alone. And he more or less let me make the decisions. And I need to admit, sometimes I made decisions that he did not approve of at all.

In hindsight it is clear that I did not do a smart thing in deciding alone that now is the right time for a marriage. By now I think it is actually pretty funny. I claim to be smart and strong and independent and a tough lawyer and then I make such a  foolish act? Driving away the only man I ever loved. The man who loved me too.

I still love him dearly, Hey, I was willing to marry him. Actually, I AM still willing to marry him :-)
But it has to be his decision. I love him enough to accept and respect whatever he decides. Regardless of his decision I will be forever indebted to him. He has brought enormous blessings in my life. I know it sounds like a cliche, but to me, he is my angel. I am very glad he came into my life. And by now I am thankful that he did not say goodbye. He will forever be in my heart. No need to say goodbye. As E.E. Cummings once wrote:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

1 comment:

  1. I was so glad to read this post. I'm sorry about your grandmother, though. But it sounds like you are indeed in a very good place.

    Take care,