Friday, November 14, 2014


Still no message from him at all. I am enormously confused by his silence.

Anyway, I only got two choices at the moment: 
being happy without him or being unhappy without him.

I am a loyal friend, and a loyal girlfriend. As long as my man does not explicitly tell me that he wants me to fuck off, I don't believe it. There is just too much that we shared and lived through together. I cannot believe that he gave so much to me and that this all means nothing anymore now. So I still feel very much that we belong together. And I don't want to cheat on him. 
On the other hand: reality check little Tina, he has been quiet for a long time now...

So, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want him. There is nothing I want more than to fly to him and spend Thanksgiving with him. I miss him. Not a day goes by without me wishing I could talk to him and see him and hold him in my arms. But he obviously does not want all that.
my grandma passed away, my man refuses to talk to me and I started to feel emotionally dead myself.

So, in my search for happiness I revitalized my online kink life.

Over the years I did quite a lot of online kink stuff. And a couple of days ago I had the first session again in a very long time. It was an awesome session with a tough soldier.  It was almost therapeutic for me. I do know the soldier for years, he knows that I don`t love him and I know that he does not love me either. There is no love between us, just a mutual understanding and respect. 
I figured he is the perfect "playmate" for some fun. He suddenly showed up again out of nowhere and he pretty much lives at the other end of the world. The outer circumstances where quite perfect for me to engage in some domme activity with him.

He is a tough guy, all muscles, tall, intimidating, a fighter, and dommeing him was quite an experience.
It was the hardest Skype session I ever experienced. The whole thing was focused on his physical pain. I made him kneel on rice, hands behind his head and he kneeled there almost endlessly.
I tongue lashed him and played with his mind and made him edge himself and made him do pushups for me. And due to the fact that he is so tough, I dared to actually play really hard. Harder than I usually play. The knowledge that he has experienced worse stuff in real life, that I won`t accidentally hurt him, gave me safety. I used him as a whipping boy. I could for once outlive all the frustration and the pain that has accumulated in my body and in my heart over the last months.

And I learned that I am really angry. I am angry at myself for creating such a fucked up situation with my man. I am angry for wasting my life waiting for something that most likely won't happen. I am angry for not being able to allow love in my life. 


  1. It's important to let go of things in life. The harder you are trying to control something, the more things
    tend to get out of your control.

    It's just the way life is. Don't believe me? Try controlling
    your thoughts. Put a restriction on your brain and it is going to fight back. You may be able to control
    your thoughts for sometime, but it is going to come back.

    =================Side Note===========================
    If you have been meditating (or are a buddhist monk),then you probably know that the only way to control
    your thoughts is to detach yourself from the mind and let it go. Trying to control thoughts only makes
    them come back later.

    =================/Side Note===========================

    The illussion of control is what keeps people in a contstant state of fear and unhappiness. People are afraid to lose control. Lose control of their loved ones, lose control of themselves, lose control of their situations.

    And it's this fear of losing control is what makes them weak, makes them unattractive, and in many cases helpless.

    If you can get rid of this illusion of control, you are not only going to be more happy, you are also going to
    find yourself attracting things that you want in life.

    Only when you learn the art of letting go of things, you make room for things that you truly deserve.

    So if you are holding on to a dying relationship in hopes that you can control things and it will get better,
    then I think it's time to let go.

    A lot of times, it's the illusion of control that is making things worse in the relationship.

    Because in a relationship, you are not truly controlling anything. A relationship needs to have freedom. It needs to be free from control to grow.

    And if you just let go of it, you might be surprised when the relationship resuscitates and is better than ever.

    OR if it was truly meant to be over, you couldn't have done anything to stop in the first place.

    To sum it all up, you should not be afraid to let go of things. If it's meant to be, you will get what you want, if not you will definitely get what you need.

    - Kevin




    PS: A lot of times in life you will realize what you
    wanted wasn't exactly what you needed. And what you
    needed was in fact much better than what you wanted.

  2. i'm nursing the bruises after i lost to a girl at kickboxing..

    1. hmmmm, not exactly sure what you wanna tell me with that comment. :-)