Still no message from him at all. I am enormously confused by his silence.
Anyway, I only got two choices at the moment:
being happy without him or being unhappy without him.
I am a loyal friend, and a loyal girlfriend. As long as my man does not explicitly tell me that he wants me to fuck off, I don't believe it. There is just too much that we shared and lived through together. I cannot believe that he gave so much to me and that this all means nothing anymore now. So I still feel very much that we belong together. And I don't want to cheat on him.
On the other hand: reality check little Tina, he has been quiet for a long time now...
So, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want him. There is nothing I want more than to fly to him and spend Thanksgiving with him. I miss him. Not a day goes by without me wishing I could talk to him and see him and hold him in my arms. But he obviously does not want all that.
my grandma passed away, my man refuses to talk to me and I started to feel emotionally dead myself.
So, in my search for happiness I revitalized my online kink life.
Over the years I did quite a lot of online kink stuff. And a couple of days ago I had the first session again in a very long time. It was an awesome session with a tough soldier. It was almost therapeutic for me. I do know the soldier for years, he knows that I don`t love him and I know that he does not love me either. There is no love between us, just a mutual understanding and respect.
I figured he is the perfect "playmate" for some fun. He suddenly showed up again out of nowhere and he pretty much lives at the other end of the world. The outer circumstances where quite perfect for me to engage in some domme activity with him.
He is a tough guy, all muscles, tall, intimidating, a fighter, and dommeing him was quite an experience.
It was the hardest Skype session I ever experienced. The whole thing was focused on his physical pain. I made him kneel on rice, hands behind his head and he kneeled there almost endlessly.
I tongue lashed him and played with his mind and made him edge himself and made him do pushups for me. And due to the fact that he is so tough, I dared to actually play really hard. Harder than I usually play. The knowledge that he has experienced worse stuff in real life, that I won`t accidentally hurt him, gave me safety. I used him as a whipping boy. I could for once outlive all the frustration and the pain that has accumulated in my body and in my heart over the last months.
And I learned that I am really angry. I am angry at myself for creating such a fucked up situation with my man. I am angry for wasting my life waiting for something that most likely won't happen. I am angry for not being able to allow love in my life.