Monday, November 17, 2014

saints and whores?

In my life, speaking with submissive men, I hear quite often statements like:

"I cannot unite all parts of my personality in the relationship with one woman. I would love to, but I just CANNOT. My kink and my vanilla/real life are just not compatible, I want You to be my domme / mistress, I want You to see my submissive side  but my wife will see my public/ strong / domiant / alpha male side only." And the next thing I hear is: "I never feel good about these separate faces/layers of myself."

And I usually think: what? What are you talking about? I don´t even know where to start with my summation. 

First of all: my mom would agree with these submissive men. Since I was a little child I heard her sermons of: "A wife is a wife and a mistress is a mistress. It is impossible to be both. You cannot be the saint and the whore for a man at the same time, yada yada yada." But, despite popular believe, moms (and men) are not always right ;-)

For me, this concept of separation between two extremes was always strange. I never needed it in my life. I grew up knowing both sides. The "light" and the "dark", the vanilla and the kink world, and I learned to love both sides. And I still don't fully understand why people chose to make a distinction like that. 

The whole "no contact"-thing with my man is so strange now, because we were really close. I might be wrong here but I do believe I was able to be the saint AND the whore for him. And I liked both parts very much. It was fun doing all the kinky things with him and I remember one time when I accompanied him to the airport and still had his cum in my face from a blow job I had given him earlier that night... And being the saint, well that was very fulfilling for me too. I liked to take care of him, I enjoyed it immensely to go to church with him, I loved to pamper him, to be there for him.

For me, these two extremes don't really exist. It is probably because I know enough people from both sides and I know enough about each of them to understand that the "saints" are not only saints but also sinners and that the "whores" are not only whores but also loving and caring and dedicated women. In my life, I can easily take on whatever role I want to. I got many facets and I love them all. I am active in a somewhat fundamentalistic christian church, I am representing criminals in court and I am definitely into domestic discipline, spankings, power play and bdsm. 

Many of the readers of this blog are surprised by the amount of stubbornness I show related to the topic of "not wanting to face reality/not wanting to accept that it`s over with the man" . The thing is, and btw. this surprises me too, lol, I do think indeed that I am the right woman for my man. He won't easily find a better woman than me . Don`t get me wrong, he won't have any problems finding a new girlfriend. He is a hot guy and women dig him. But I do think that he is making a mistake by throwing me out of his life. And my maternal instinct is taking over saying: no, don`t do that!

It is very interesting that he is not making a move at all at the moment. Believe me, I have put him under emotional pressure in the last weeks. And it would have cost him 2 min to send me an email, saying in more or less polite words: "leave me alone". But he did not do that. There is this saying: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that `s when I really need it". And I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has never done anything at all to harm me. I don`t know what he is up to at the moment, but I know he is not interested in hurting me. I lead my life according to the believe of "the woman who loves you will never leave you because even if there are hundred reasons to give up, she will find one reason to hold on..."

So, to all the men out there who don`t dare to talk with the women in their lives about their needs: Show some trust. After 300 000 hits on this little blog, and getting countless emails and comments, I have  a pretty good picture of the men who are reading this blog. And the one thing you all have in common is: You are smart. You do understand how awesome a mind fuck can be and you do understand that the brain is super relevant for all things related to sexuality. It is very unlikely that you chose a dumb woman to be your wife. And if she is smart, she will understand your needs. Not sure if she is gonna share your needs, but if she is a saint, lol, she will at least try to please you ;-)


  1. This is a strange situation. A dominant woman feels determined to get a puzzlingly unresponsive man to allow her to dominate him. Also to serve him and make him happy. Who is really the dominant one here? I really don't know what to make of it. I'm sad that you are unhappy and frustrated.

  2. "Who is really the dominant one here?"
    At the moment? Definitely not me!

    "I really don't know what to make of it."
    Me neither, lol.

  3. As an amateur economist, I hate seeing a good woman wasted! Open yourself to others please.

  4. Working on it. But as I keep telling for months: I need closure in order to be able to move on. And as pathetic as it may sound, I seem to be unable to find closure without his help.

    He is obviously not willing/able to help me and I am obviously not willing/able to let him go, so I am pretty much paralyzed.

    I am still grieving my grandmas death (she raised me and was like a mom for me) and the "loss" of my boyfriend came at the worst possible moment.

  5. I said a prayer for you a long time ago. I am a strong man, yet submissive. My wife does not have any interest in this subject of spanking me. I am 72 years old and have a long and interesting story.
    May we simply talk back and forth as good friends do and become?
    Chuck, usa, Texas

  6. @chuck:
    thanks for keeping me in your prayers :-)
    And thanks for the friendly offer to chat, but I cannot take your offer.

  7. Insightful writing. Thank you. Long time no post. You OK?