Friday, July 10, 2015

Thank you, Tommy

Sometimes in life, help comes from unexpected places.

The last year was just terrible for me. Looking back at the last 12 months, I can see clearly that I was pretty much traumatized by the loss of my grandma and the end of my relationship. Within a very very short time span I had lost two of the most important people of my life. And I still miss both of them enormously.

I gained about 15 kg in the last year. I literally stopped moving. I did not want to move, walk or exercise anymore because it felt like withdrawing myself from the world was the only thing I could do in order to SOMEHOW survive.

I functioned. I worked, I slept, I ate.  Nothing more.

Sure, I tried to keep my spirit up, I did endless hours of emotional and internal work. I meditated and pondered and reflected and I tried to move on, I tried to "get over it", but I just did not have any energy left. At all. And the longer that state lasted, the more depressed, sad and fearful I became.

I somehow got in contact with a man in the UK. Let´s call him "Tommy". We exchanged a few emails back and forth and we both felt, that there is some good chemistry between us.

We liked each other, but we realized pretty soon that there is just  no compatibility between our sexual interests. When I tried to be a bit domme-y, he felt I was patronizing him in an off turning way. Basically: He was not interested in the things I sexually like and do. And I was not interested in the things he sexually likes and does.
On a heart to heart level though, we liked each other a lot.

Tommy was in a  difficult situation in his life too, and the lawyer and helper and supporter in me offered to help him. My thinking went along the lines of: "My life at this point totally sucks. I see no help for myself at all. Me, I am a helpless case. So let´s give my life at least a bit of a meaning by helping him sort out his mess."

I might sound arrogant here, but as soon as I had heard of the mess he is in I immediately had a clear picture in my mind of what he had to do now and how he had to proceed. My analytical lawyer mind had taken over and I just KNEW what he had to do in order to make things much easier for himself in his current situation.

I tried to outline my plan for him, explain to him the next steps...

...and the whole thing blew in my face.

 I had told him: "I need to ask you millions of questions." And he misinterpreted it. He thought I was trying to be nosy, trying to get explanations from him, explanations that he did not have himself, whereas I wanted to ask guiding questions in order to GIVE him explanations for things I intuitively clearly understood.

I was offering him way way way too much. At a way too early point of time. 

And he probably could not understand my motives for doing it. I never explained him my motives, but I think they were:
I wanted to send something good into the world.
I wanted to believe that the world is a good and safe place to live in.
I needed to convince myself that things can end well.
I needed to convince myself that it makes sense to trust other people and to trust in other people.
I wanted to make a clear argument for one of my fundamental believes: we are all connected. And the less one of us has to suffer, the better it is for the others as well.
In helping him, I wanted to help myself.

I understood that Tommy and I came from different places, different backgrounds,  but I instinctively knew for a fact that him and I meeting in the world wide web was not a coincidence at all. I felt very clearly that I had attracted him into my life. That there was a message in us meeting at this point of time. And I was not willing to let him go without getting some answers from the universe through him.

And so the battle began.
Two dominant people getting in a constant battle of wills. 

We were behaving exactly like that couple:

We could not live with each other and we could not live without each other. We were emotionally very close, and within seconds one of us could feel hurt and hugely threatened by the other. As soon as one of us was finally emotionally too exhausted, drained and "gave up" and wanted to end the thing we were having, the other did all he/she could, to make him/her stay.

At one point he told me that in the short time with me he has argued more than in 20 years of marriage with his ex-wife.

But I just was not willing to let him go. I had this very strong feeling in my gut, that there is somewhere a hidden message for me. And I did indeed enjoy the interaction with him. He made me question my whole thinking. He challenged my believes in a big way.

After a while of unintentionally hurting each other, trying to end the thing, making up again, getting along with each other and hurting each other again, I told him that I want us to end the thing by writing each other a short message and telling the other, what each of us enjoyed and liked and learned from the other. I started by sending him a friendly email, thanking him  and wishing him well.

And he replied by saying: "I am not sure I can send you such a message. I feel completely drained. I don't know any longer what I feel and what I dont feel."

This - of course, lol- led to me feeling hurt again.
And I started to believe that maybe I was wrong in thinking there is meaning between the two of us meeting. As soon as I was wavering though, he was standing tall again and fought for us. :-)

After many of these ups and downs, him and I finally managed to have a wonderful conversation in which we both agreed that we are just not compatible. Regardless of our mutual wish to make it happen, our sexual needs just don't match. Nothing we can do about it. And during that conversation I learned one important lesson from him. He more or less said to me:

"Baby, as much as I like you, I am not willing to compromise as far as my sexuality is concerned. There is no sense for both of us in compromising here. We will only both end up bitter and unsatisfied. And we both deserve better. We both deserve to have our needs met."

His words had an enormous impact on me. I admired him hugely for his courage to go for his dreams and not settle for anything less. I am having problems finding the words to explain how much his words impressed me. Basically:  As soon as I heard him say that, as soon as I realized that he is courageous enough to stick to his dreams, even though the outer circumstances were very unfavorable for him,  I understood that THIS is the message I have been waiting for. I understood that this was a message from the universe guided in my direction. And I knew with certainty that I should not compromise either. Not with him, nor with any other guy. I deserve to have my needs met.

I understood the message and some sort of deep peace came over me. I finally had my hidden message.  J

Following up that conversation there was some amicable banter going on between us. I said some nice things to him, he said some nice things to me, and suddenly, for me absolutely unexpected, he apologized to me in a direct and straight forward manner. He said something along the line of: „I am so sorry. I know I was pretty mean to you sometimes“.

I had not expected his apology at all. I had not been waiting for an apology, frankly: I had not even thought that I deserved an apology from him. It came as a total surprise to me. And the fact that he gave me that apology was absolutely mind blowing. It meant so much to me. It helped me to regain trust in my gut feeling re men. It helped me to belive again that people  are actually good. It helped me to be more lenient with myself. It helped me to find some value in myself again.

We parted amicably. I think he was a bit confused about the intensity and the depth oft he thing we were having. For me though, meeting him was a gift from the universe. I had wanted to make it all about him. I had wanted to help him in his situation. And in the end I think it was all about me. I ended up as the one receiving  a wonderful gift from him and through him.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Thanks for you wonderful message. And thanks for reading my blog through all these years. Your comment is much appreciated :-)

    All I can say, and all I learned from the interaction with "Thommy" is: "Dont give up on your dreams." This is as true for you as it is for me. :-)

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I came across your blog today and my heart goes out to you. Let's face it, trying to live as either top or bottom is difficult at best. I spent decades as a dominant and enjoyed a 24/7 Master/slave relationship for a decade. It was sheer force of personality and mutual desire to succeed that kept it going that long. It was just too much for me, at least with her.

    I took a long (nearly 6 year) break from and D/S and when I couldn't stand it anymore, asked my wife first for enforced chastity and then Female Led Relationship. Because we had a long, vanilla relationship, we've been able to work our way through the bumps in FLR.

    Over the years I've seen many people, including me, try to start a relationship based on D/S. They almost never succeed. While we may be almost consumed by our wish for power exchange, that exchange just isn't enough to keep things going. I admit I wasn't very happy with the vanilla phase of my marriage, but it built the foundation for a functional FLR now.

    My suggestion is that you consider identifying guys who appear to have some interest in submitting. But stay vanilla until you both find lots of non-power-exchange reasons to be together. Then introduce the D/S. That doesn't mean you can't play. Oh no! A red butt is a very good way to introduce your special talents.

    I know this is very difficult, but I think your recent experience may suggest that starting out with D/S is very difficult to make work. Good luck with your search! I'm happy I found the love of my life. I'm also (mostly) happy that I've surrendered power.

  5. @cagedlion
    thanks for commenting. :-)

    I am very happy for you that you found the love of your life!
    I have read quite a few of your comments on other blogs recently and you seem to be a very nice and insightful guy indeed.