Sunday, November 8, 2020

blind spots and arousal templates

I am finally living in the US now. It is a very strange feeling, it feels almost unreal. A dream came true and I am still fascinated that it actually happened. So far I am pretty happy here.  :-)

With the US so divided, and both sides being so convinced that they are "the good ones", I thought a lot about blind spots. At the moment, even smart people really don't seem to see/understand the other side. And I have been thinking more than once: why on earth don't they see what I see? 

But no worries, I am not going to write about politics here. I am more interested in what I can learn for my own life and my own relationship.

I am wondering where my blind spots are and what I am not seeing.

Just as we have visual blind spots when looking at the road through our car mirrors, we also have psychological blind spots - aspects of our personalities that are hidden from our view. These might be annoying habits like interrupting or bragging, or they might be deeper fears or desires that are too threatening to acknowledge. Although it's generally not pleasant to confront these aspects of ourselves, doing so can be very useful when it comes to personal growth, and when it comes to improving our relationships with others - there is undoubtedly something we do that, unbeknownst to us, drives our significant others, roommates, or coworkers a little crazy. So how do you know what your blind spots are? (http://psych-your-mind.blogspot.com/2011/08/friday-fun-psychological-blind-spots.html)

I am not working (much) at the moment, but I am trying to grow as a person. I spend hours each day contemplating and thinking about my life so far, about my past, my failures and successes and where I wanna go from here.

Since you are all here for the kink, I wanna focus on the kink aspects.

I am a bit at loss when it comes to this thing we do. I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing wrong, but there is no kink in my life anymore. At all. And the strange thing is: this has happened to me before and I have not figured out why. I am living a vanilla life, despite having strong dominant needs and cravings. I am masturbating to F/m stuff and at the same time try to submissively please my partner in the real world.

I literally had hundreds of submissive men courting me over the years, I know since I am a teenager that vanilla sex does not interest me at all, and all porn I ever got turned on on (? my English still sucks....) is D/s.

The questions I am cogitating about are: why don't I get what I am craving? why am I preventing myself from getting what I want? why do I create scenarios where I end up in a vanilla relationship?

The answers / the keys to these questions have to be in me. I am the master of my life. I am creating everything that happens in my life. And when I am having no kink in my life, despite blogging for 10 years about how important the kink is for me and how much it turns me on and how much I enjoy it, there needs to be something going on within me that is preventing me from getting what I want. There needs to be an aspect or elements that I am not seeing. I need to have a blindspot that I am not aware of.

Years ago I had a wonderful conversation with wdspoon and (if I recall correctly) he told me that he always found women who matched his needs. That was very interesting to me, because up until then I had heard many many men complaining about how hard it is to find a dominant woman. I never forgot that conversation because I realized that it is possible to get own needs met, despite how hard it seems and how unfavorable the statistic seems.

So why am I shooting myself in the foot when it comes to getting my sexual needs fulfilled?

One place that blind spots can be found is in strong reactions. An unusually strong negative or positive reaction or stance may suggest engagement in a process Freud called reaction formation. Reaction formation involves unconsciously transforming an unacceptable or undesirable impulse into its opposite. For example, according to this view, former New York governor Elliot Spitzer's efforts to crack down on prostitution when in office may have been a direct reaction to his own desire for and involvement with prostitutes.

I have seen the same reaction formation in many Christians. Ted Haggard for instance comes to mind. I am not so sure though if my D/s blindspot is in that area. I think I am pretty comfortable with my  D/s cravings. 

But recation formation is a possibility, of course. Maybe I am secretly submissive and dont wanna live these aspects?  I really did perceive my  vanilla submissive mom as very weak and I grew up thinking: A woman doesnt cry.  My mom was crying (over men ...) a lot and I made a promise to myself to not do that. Hence my nickname: the strong woman.

In one study (Morokoff, 1985), female participants high in sexual guilt deemed erotic imagery to be unacceptable and reported low arousal in response to it. Physiological measures revealed, however, that these same participants actually showed the highest levels of arousal. The same pattern was later found among homophobic men, who were more physiologically aroused by videos depicting homosexual intercourse than were non-homophobic men (Adams, Wright, & Lohr, 1996)  This tendency is not confined to sexuality. Harsh judgments of others' behavior may reveal a personal insecurity - for example, that highly ambitious co-worker may especially irritate you because of your own unexpressed ambitions. Blind spots in these cases need not be objectively negative traits, just traits that are experienced as personally shameful or unacceptable.

I think it is fair to say that I am actually a very strong and courageous person. And I do know that I can be very dominant in real life. (Just ask my sister, lol, she will tell you what a bitch I am and how dominant I am). But at the same time I am super insecure about myself. I don't value myself enough. I am my own very harsh critic. I don't give myself much credit for what I have achieved in life. I don't think I am worthy to be pampered. I am always focused on fulfilling other people's needs. Putting myself and my needs first in a relationship doesn't come easy to me. My shrink says that is a behavior that I learned when I was very very young and therefore it is quite difficult to change.

I am the most understanding person you can think of. I understand pretty much everything when it comes to human behavior. There is not much that can scare me away from a human being. I am a healer and I am proud of it. Healing people is easy for me. You can wake me up in the middle of the night, tell me that you are sad, or unhappy, or depressed, and I will be able to come up with 100 true reasons why I think you are amazing. And I will truly think that you are amazing. Supporting people in need is something I have been doing all my life.

I think I am doing to people what I wish people would do to me.

And my theory is: as far as the kink is concerned, in the beginning of a relationship, when all is new, I am fully and completely focused on the man. I want to understand him, I wanna know what he feels, I wanna know what works for him, I wanna know his dreams and  fears and hopes and arousal templates. I wanna know as much as I can. the more I know, the easier it gets for me to do my "magic" and make him feel good. 

And in the beginning, generally speaking, the men that enter my life are more than happy to give me what I want. They feel seen and cherished and special. And they are all that to me. I think that is why it is very easy for the men to submit to me during that phase. And I love every moment of it. I really do. It makes me feel amazing, vibrant, alive and happy. And turned on, of course, lol. I think: "bingo. how lucky I am " 

But then comes a point when all of a sudden the men start to withdraw again. We are still in a relationship, we still get along very well, we still think the other person is wonderful, but the men -for me completely out of the blue- stop submitting to me.

At this point I usually tell myself: keep calm, it will come back.

But I had to learn the hard way that the kink doesn't come back.

If I ask in a playful way: "hey, come on, let's do stuff..." I dont get what I want because the men just said no.

And I am sure as hell not gonna beg a man to pretty please let me dominate him.

There has never been any explanation, any talk , any conversation... the kink just stopped. I have no idea what the men were thinking, really no fucking clue. My best guess is: I came emotionally too close. I saw facets of them that they usually hide. I scared them away. 

I guess what I asked for was too much. Because in all honesty: The thing that turns me on the most is domestic discipline. Not playful dress up with leather and latex, not sexy high heels and a big scene, but real life, unspectacular but powerful D/s like me reaching over to him, putting my hand on his thigh and telling him: No you cant have a 3rd beer.   

I think the moment the guy says to me: "I am gonna have that 3rd beer anyway." It feels like something in me switches. I feel like: "Fuck, I have been so nice to you, why cant you just fucking give me what makes me happy and what I need? "

My problem is: In these situations I still think he is awesome, I still love him like crazy, I still think he is wonderful, but I also secretly start to grow anger inside. I am getting angry because I have no way to fulfill my own needs. how could I? I can not just non-consensually dominate a man. That's illegal and furthermore not how I roll. I need his submission freely given by him, and not non-consensually taken by me.

In a way, it feels like betrayal. I have invested so much in the man, and in return he does not give me what I crave the most: his submission. And to make it hurt even more, he is giving it to me for a while, only to then withhold it from me. I can tell you; That sucks big time.

I think I made one big mistake in the past: I more or less assumed that the submissive men I had contact with where strong and self confident enough to submit to me. But in hindsight I think the men only were strong enough to open up to me and let me get as far as I came because I am actually great at opening people up emotionally. I think the men that I met were generally super private and guarded and only allowed me to dominate them (for a while) because I really am good at making people feel safe. I can be the most non threatening motherlike person you can think of.

But: If the (former submissive) guy wants the vanilla version of a relationship with me , I expect him to take as good care of my needs as I took care of his when I was in the dominant position. And they rarely do. In my experience I am suddenly stuck in a vanilla relationship where the guy still expects me to bend over backwards for him, without him giving me the gift of his submission. And that is a very unpleasant situation for me to be in.

After hearing so many stories from submissive guys and reading so many stories of guys who dream of having a dominant girlfriend, it was pretty shocking to realize how few "submissive" men actually are wiling to put in the effort to give me what turns me on.

Just as extreme negative reactions to a trait in others might suggest the presence of that trait in oneself, extremely positive attitudes or behaviors may suggest a lack, or a feared lack, of a desired trait. Research shows that people who want to appear non-prejudiced may go to great lengths to demonstrate their generosity and positive attitudes towards a stigmatized group, especially when their sense of themselves as a non-prejudiced person is threatened. Other kinds of overly positive or rigid attitudes may also suggest underlying negativity, ambivalence, or doubt.

I really dont know where I stand. maybe I am more judgmental and egoistic than I think. And maybe I am asking for too much. Who knows?  As you can see, I dont have many answers, but still many questions :-)


24 comments:

  1. Where you lived, sex is look at more openly, especially if you into spankings, either giving or receiving. U.S. is more reserved, and so will take time.

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    1. Yes, I think you are right in that I sometimes underestimate how "conservative" the US is when it comes to everything related to any sexual activity.

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  2. You are awesome: I am sorry that your D/S life hasn't turned out like your fantasies.

    but I am confident you get a lot more from your current relationship.

    be well and be strong: life is complex; fantasies are simple (in some sense)

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    1. your comment made me smile :-)
      life is complex, fantasies are simple... love it :-)
      I am generally ok. I do feel good here in the US. And I am feeling much less depressed than I felt a few months/weeks ago. The fact that I am thinking about kink again is actually a good sign :-)

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  3. I have no answers for you, unfortunately. You are facing what 99% of submissive men face when their partners choose to no longer indulge them. Yes, it totally sucks, but is it worth blowing up the relationship over, assuming everything else is good? It's a tough call, especially if one has many years and substantial assets invested.

    On another note, you're English is far better than most native English speakers. You correctly used the word "cogitating" for goodness sake!

    And finally:
    "The thing that turns me on the most is domestic discipline. Not playful dress up with leather and latex, not sexy high heels and a big scene, but real life, unspectacular but powerful D/s like me reaching over to him, putting my hand on his thigh and telling him: No you cant have a 3rd beer."

    Damn.

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    1. Thanks FL.
      We will see what the future brings. :-)

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  4. I don't understand what happens for you either but it is definitely a recurring pattern (and personally frustrating to watch). So I wish I knew the answer. I do wonder if there's a clue in here though:

    https://youtu.be/nyMso_CFU7s

    Something has to be changing in you when you get close to someone.

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    1. T.M. that was a great comment. Thank you very much. You gave me great input. I think you are spot on with your comment of: "Something has to be changing in you when you get close to someone" I will think about it and maybe write about it in one of the next posts.
      And furthermore: the youtube link was very helpful. It resonated very well with me, for many many reasons.

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    2. And maybe you are expressing some of the thoughts of "my" men too when you say: "To surrender to someone, to feel safe to, they had to be beyond reproach, with complete integrity. Which is unfair to expect of anyone I know. It is never an easy fit." Maybe the closer we get, the more the men see my flaws and the less they feel like submitting.

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  5. I think you are great. Life is complex: role with it as much as you can.

    Sorry you feel so frustrated right now. You will overcome and find happiness in the end. You are a good and empathetic person.

    btw, isn't too bad that Julie, of Strict Julie, Canadian, fame, is a right wing Trumpian? That made me so disappointed. No empathy in that crowd. I would have liked to meet her before I knew that.

    Now, not at all. She is too selfish for me.

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    1. Thank you for your support.
      "Life is complex: role with it as much as you can." Very true, and I am doing my best :-}

      as for the Julie comment: Who knows where she is coming from, who knows what she is afraid of, who knows what her story is, and who knows why she cant see what is obvious to you. I have no answer to these questions. I am busy enough to figure out my own life :-)

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  6. A great posting of you. You think a lot about yourself. A lot of psychological insights.

    I habe both sides in me and I am not sur which side is stronger. I think it is important to see, you can switch.

    I like it very much and it is the biggest arousal for me, if my wife has the courage to be demanding to me - really that she does not play a game - but just order me to do what she wants: „ Stand up and do not speak“. „Today, you stay at home“ „ No TV“.....
    When she gives order like this I love her because I feel her very strong.
    Yes - sometimes I do not like it. Then she has to order me to stand up and to lower the eyes. Maybe first I am a little bit smiling - but with some minutes the feeling of devotion comes up in me.
    But for her it is difficzlt just do it and to wait - just to force me to change my habitude.

    Maybe this would also help you - just do it and be patient: Mens need some time to change.

    Greetings from switzerland. Peter

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  7. Thank you, Peter.
    Very interesting comment.

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  8. Hi Tina
    This is one of your most thought provoking posts. We do self-sabotage sometimes but I am not sure that is going on for you. For one thing, the "kink" if it’s real just doesn't disappear. If someone has a need for discipline with or without spanking, it will not go away but usually grows stronger over time. What can happen however is that alpha men who deeply want to obey and accept discipline from a wife or girlfriend, can also become conflicted about that need from time to time and if that happens, he will rebel against her authority (still going to have that third beer (with a subtext being "what are you going to do about it?".). And even if he does not outright rebel he will "test" her resolve because he needs to know she is firm about discipline. It sounds like with your husband his rebellion (if that's what it is) has gone on a while and it may be hard to rein him back in. He may be in "kink" denial or just have decided you are not firm enough to control him and he has moved on beyond it all. That may be temporary only because he still has the need even if he has buried it. There is one other possibility that actually overlaps with male rebellion and denial. You may have been so effective as a disciplinarian that he became scared of it and his reaction and retreated. Clearly in either case deep communication about what is going on coupled with firmness on your part is the direction to go. I actually went through becoming scared that it was too real with a former girlfriend, and tried to stop the discipline -but she realized what was going on and helped me to understand it and to accept the fact I needed the control she was imposing. I wish you all luck in resolving things. The kink you have is a wonderful gift, but it’s also something that is a permanent part of you that you need to express and experience. Don't let anyone take that away from you
    Alan

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    1. Thanks Alan.
      Nobody is taking anything away from me. My love for the kink will always be with me. D/s will always appeal to me. I will always get turned on by it.
      I am not "too effective" as a disciplinarian. I am pretty sure about that. But who knows what is going on in mens minds....
      My ex-boyfriend, the man I dated years ago, he had told me impressive stories about how his former (american) girlfriend had spanked him for real and that even his friends had made comments about them like: "did your bossy girlfriend give you permission to go out with us tonight?" He was submissive to her much much more than he was to me. And when he was dating ME, he totally insisted on keeping the kink super super super private.
      I guess I just suck as a domme. I am a nice woman and excellent girl friend material, but obviously I dont have what it takes to be a successful domme.
      In a way it is ironic, because the male submission would actually please me very much.
      Another theory would be: I could be a threat to men because I am actually very independent and self-reliant. There is not much space in my life that a man could fill. I am pretty awesome at doing things myself. Sometimes it feels like I am a threat to men because I am too independent.

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    2. I think in the same way as Alan. I often compare me with a horse or a dog. I want to be sometimes wild and independent, specially if I do not feel the leash of my owner. As horse I often fear the world and I just like to flee, as dog I want to explore all around me, but I am a domestic dog and need somebody who gives me shelter. And dog and jorse love it very much to do the right thing and to be loved from the owner. But both get aggressive if the owner is not near or firm.
      My feelings are „ambivalent“ (german word). And a my wife can help to clear these situations. And I love her very much for this help and I know she need to be courageos to do it and sometimes it is also hard work for her. Yeah - and sometimes I fear to loose my wilderness too. Greetings Peter

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    3. Peter, wow, that is interesting to me. That are really totally new thoughts to me. Thanks for sharing it with me.

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  9. Tina,
    I really doubt that you are ineffective as a Dom. Your writings reveal a real passion for it which alone would put most men into submission, but you also understand the dynamic, what makes it all work and why. Whatever the problem may be, it is not you. It is possible you are choosing men who are not going to consistently obey because subconsciously you think you will not be capable of maintaining their obedience in the relationship – or maybe you have deep conflicts about being in charge and exerting authority or administering punishment and so you back off when you should be firm. And as I said earlier, some men do become intimidated when it becomes too “real”. My former girlfriend saved me from myself on that problem and there must be many other males who become frightened when the reins are tightened on us. We (males) need DD as bad as or worse than you but giving up control as one must can be as terrifying as it is liberating
    Alan

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    1. "maybe you have deep conflicts about being in charge and exerting authority or administering punishment and so you back off when you should be firm." Alan, that theory resonates pretty well in me. Need to think about it a bit more. Thanks for the helpful input.

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  10. I continue to enjoy your level of candid introspection. I have tried to stay away from these blogs as I know they are not healthy for me, but I find myself drawn to see what you have to say.

    My experience is that when you have a pattern that keeps repeating itself, there is something deeper at play. Your narrative takes as a given that your kink is a good thing that should be indulged. Have you ever challenged that assumption? Other than a general need for “control” have you looked at what really drives the intensity if your desire for someone to submit to you?

    I have had to do that on the other (sub) side. No one I have seen in this community does it. I was forced to when someone tried to destroy my life. It came as a big surprise to be told I have a “disorder”, but according to the DSM-5 I have a “sexual masochism disorder” even though I do not get turned on by pain. My “kink” is considered a form of “traumatic repetition,” which means I am trying to control the fear I had as a kid by recreating the traumatic situation as an adult.

    People get touchy about “kink shaming” or being judged for what they like sexually, so it is not too popular to challenge it. However, I have had to go far deeper and face the fact that I have lived a life driven unconsciously by incredibly powerful fears and that my “kink” is a reflection of that. It has not made my life better by any stretch of the imagination.

    I say this as someone who engaged in BDSM scenes for decades and thought I was just having fun. It was not until I met a DD practitioner in real life that things took a dark turn. The point is that we can labor under the pleasant delusion that we are just “different” and are “enjoying ourselves.” There is a school of thought, however, that it is not our natural destiny as humans want someone - especially someone whom we love - to hurt us physically and that jf we do, there is something in us that needs to be healed. If you spend time looking at that the dilemma you describe may become moot. This will likely be an unpopular opinion, but I am already reviled by your readers, so fuck it. I am only saying this because even though I am no DD fan, I have found you to be fascinating. I wish I could talk to you IRL.

    Enjoy the US. I have thought about going to Germany myself. This country is eating itself alive. 1/2 the population is willing to give up democracy to a sociopath so they can feel like they “won.” Many of us see the parallels to Germany in the 1930s. I would think those parallels would terrify you.

    You already know who wrote this.

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    1. I continue to enjoy your level of candid introspection. I have tried to stay away from these blogs as I know they are not healthy for me, but I find myself drawn to see what you have to say.

      Thank you very much. I hope my blog and my words are nothing but interesting to you and don't add any pain. There is already enough violent communication out there, I am trying to express my points as non-violent as possible. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not so much.

      My experience is that when you have a pattern that keeps repeating itself, there is something deeper at play.

      Yes, I totally agree. I am convinced that I have some patterns or programs running that are getting in my way. I am sure there is something deeper going on in me that I can't fully see yet. That's why I am writing about "blind spots" 🙂

      Your narrative takes as a given that your kink is a good thing that should be indulged. Have you ever challenged that assumption?

      No, I have not. The D/s cravings have always been part of my life. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but they have always been there. Vanilla sex is very much uninteresting to me. The D/s is very deeply embedded in me. It started very early. It just has always been a part of my life.

      Other than a general need for “control” have you looked at what really drives the intensity if your desire for someone to submit to you?

      I am doing that now. I tried to, in the past, but I could not come up with a good explanation. I have thought about it a lot in the last weeks however and I got to see a bit clearer.

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    2. I have had to do that on the other (sub) side. No one I have seen in this community does it. I was forced to when someone tried to destroy my life. It came as a big surprise to be told I have a “disorder”, but according to the DSM-5 I have a “sexual masochism disorder” even though I do not get turned on by pain. My “kink” is considered a form of “traumatic repetition,” which means I am trying to control the fear I had as a kid by recreating the traumatic situation as an adult.

      I have thought about you a lot in the last months. I was on your fetlife site a couple of times, read what you had written and wanted to communicate with you, but I thought I am not the right person to give any input right now and I thought it might be better to stay quiet for a while. You and I, we had a tendency of sometimes (accidentally) triggering each other and I did not want to do that at all.
      And I realized I got to be much more careful in the way I sometimes judge people. We can never know what the other person had to endure or what he/she is going through right now.

      People get touchy about “kink shaming” or being judged for what they like sexually, so it is not too popular to challenge it.

      True, it can be a very touchy subject. I personally feel pretty ok with my kink. I had it all my life and I am ready to see it challenged. I had to grow up with a father who worked as a brothel owner (not to mention the word "pimp", lol) and sexuality and all sorts of sexual needs where never a taboo topic in my family.

      However, I have had to go far deeper and face the fact that I have lived a life driven unconsciously by incredibly powerful fears and that my “kink” is a reflection of that. It has not made my life better by any stretch of the imagination.

      My experience is different. So far, the kink that I had in my life has in fact made my life much better. When I had my first boyfriend, and when we did kinky things together, it felt like a new wonderful world has finally opened. The step from dreaming about kink to finally doing it was one of the best steps in my life. For me, living out the kink felt wonderful. It makes me feel vibrant and alive and energetic and happy and powerful and I feel like I can conquer the whole world. I love the closeness and the special bond that the kink brings for me and the partner. However, I do also have strong fears. I can see that now and I will maybe write about it soon.

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  11. Thank you very much!
    As always, soooo many good aspects and so much food for thought. Need to reflect a bit about your words, will reply soon.

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  12. I say this as someone who engaged in BDSM scenes for decades and thought I was just having fun. It was not until I met a DD practitioner in real life that things took a dark turn. The point is that we can labor under the pleasant delusion that we are just “different” and are “enjoying ourselves.” There is a school of thought, however, that it is not our natural destiny as humans want someone - especially someone whom we love - to hurt us physically and that jf we do, there is something in us that needs to be healed. If you spend time looking at that the dilemma you describe may become moot.

    Yes, I understand what you are saying. Real violence is horrible. For me, personally, the kink is not about hurting my partner but helping him to let his light shine and sometimes leading him back on the right way, so to speak. And I do know, lol, that this goal in itself is questionable from so many angles and in so many aspects. The dynamic I am drawn to is a bit like in the following movie scene. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ-zr4PKqbs&ab_channel=JFKNumbers



    This will likely be an unpopular opinion, but I am already reviled by your readers, so fuck it. I am only saying this because even though I am no DD fan, I have found you to be fascinating. I wish I could talk to you IRL.

    We are all in this together, man. Keep commenting. I think you add a lot of value to the conversation.
    Send me an email if you wanna reach me.

    Enjoy the US. I have thought about going to Germany myself. This country is eating itself alive. 1/2 the population is willing to give up democracy to a sociopath so they can feel like they “won.” Many of us see the parallels to Germany in the 1930s. I would think those parallels would terrify you.

    For me the current political climate in the US is almost unbearable. Pretty much all my German friends and colleagues and acquaintances advised me NOT to move to the US. Yes, I am actually terrified that so many people dont see what is crystal clear to me.

    You already know who wrote this.

    yes, I do 🙂

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