First of all: Let me thank all of you who (in various forms) reached out to me in the last weeks. It was wonderful to receive so much love and support. I had been struggeling a lot and your support means very much to me.
I have somewhat stabilized, am feeling better and look a bit more optimistic into the future again. I am still seeing a shrink and she is still helping me a lot.
I had a skin cancer scare, but thankfully the biopsy results were good.
Secondly: My bar exam preparation is going well. I am studying and trying to get the law into my brain. The exam will be remotely held on 7/27/2021 and 7/28/2021. I am not taking a bar prep course, but am studying alone.
Thirdly: I want to thank all of you who bought and read the "female led relationship" story on kindle. In case you missed it, here is the link again. A female led relationship. It was written at the time when I still worked on my legal thesis and is pretty personal.
Last but not least: I did have some time to reflect about kink and the way I see things. Here are my latest findings:
What turns me on when it comes to F/M kink, loving female relationships and domestic discipline
The sight/sound of a man sobbing?
Absolutely yes.
I still remember a day when a boyfriend had messed up BIG TIME and we had a conversation about it the next day and he started crying and apologizing to me and promising to do better in the future. I remember it as if it was today. We were sitting in the restaurant in a corner booth and he was sobbing, tears were running down his face and he was as vulnerable as I had rarely seen him.
I believed him. I knew he was sorry. But I also felt justified in being angry at him and being no nonsense and setting my boundaries.
The boyfriend wanted me to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible, and we rarely spoke about it ever again But secretly, in the hidden parts of my heart and brain, I know that his ability to be vulnerable around me and his ability apologize to me, and to cry in front of me, was a very deceisive factor for me to staying in the relationship with him.
He felt embarrassed afterwards, and I didnt want to make it any harder for him, thats why I rarely ever brought it up again. But I am still thinking of this day very very often.
Hearing, and ignoring, please for mercy?
Hell yes, that is super hot.
The men that I am attracted to, they are all strong and independent men in real life. They know how to take care of themselves and they know how to fight their own fights. The fact that they submit to me, and that they let me decide how we are gonna proceed and/or how long an activity will last, is IMHO a huge sign of trust in me.
Of course they want me to end whatever it is we might be doing. That's part of the power exchange, part of giving up the power. The more they want me to stop and the harder it gets for them to keep doing what they are doing, the more I enjoy it. I feel respected and seen and special and I get a feeling of: Finally I can have it my way.
For it to be hot for me, it has to be consensual though. If consensuality is lacking, the whole scenario turns from hot and sexy kink to disgusting abuse.
In my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it, whatever it is I might be doing. And there were momensts when a guy had told me: "I am sorry, I am just not in the right frame of mind, can we please stop here". And we did. We ended whatever we were doing right away. But the appeal is in him CHOOSING to stay in the situation and CHOOSING to suffer for me. The please for mercy are a welcome indicator of what is going on inside of his head. And it is super hot for me to say: No, we are not stopping.
In my anecdotal experience, I tend to attract men who are having a hard time expressing their feelings in words. And being given a safe environment where it is ok for them to cry and let their guards down has always been very much appreciated by my partners.
The look of terror in a man's eyes
I would never inflict real terror.
However, within the parameters of a consesnual power exchange relationship, I love the look in a man's eyes if he realizes what I want him to do. I love the internal battle that is about to start in him. I love the way he is trying to find a way to get out of the situation, and I love the moment he accepts that I am in charge and that - because I am in control now- I can decide what's gonna happen next.
In the way I see things, it takes balls for the man to submit to me. It is difficult to just let go and trust another human being. And I respect my partners for generaly being willing to do just that with me.
I do understand that it is difficult to give up power and control. It is hard to do things they really preferred not to do. But I also know that in submittig to me and doing/enduring the hard things, I am offering my partners an opportunity to release tension and pent up stress and anger and suppressed feelings.
The men who enter my life know that I will always look out for them. But that doesn't mean I am not also willing to enjoy their predicament when I am asking really difficult things from them. :-)
I wish you all the best Tina as you prepare for the bar exam. I will always think we are very compatible (yes, I've read just about everything you've written over the years) and wish my timing was different, but I do hope that things work out for you! SB
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, SB. I do agree, I think we are really compatible in many many ways. Oyr timing was off though.
DeleteThank you for being such a loyal supporter and friend over the years. It is great to know that you are out there and rooting for me.
Miss Tina;
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm glad to hear you're doing better and in a more positive frame of mind.
Second, best of luck with the bar exam! It's a huge undertaking and just having the fortitude to write it is a major accomplishment.
Third, oh God, yes, all those things you list! The flip (submissive) side is:
Feeling safe enough to be extremely vulnerable.
Begging for mercy and being met with implacable resolve to punish.
Being genuinely (in context) nervous/apprehensive/scared of one's disciplinarian.
All are huge turn ons for submissives as well.
Take care.
Since I know where you got the bolded statements, I will say that you are contradicting the premise of the second one when you say “ In my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just “get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it.”
ReplyDeleteIf they are truly pleas for mercy and pleas to stop, there is something making him thinks he can’t just get up and leave. Maybe it’s a fear of your displeasure or a fear of losing you or even a fear that you will think less of him for being unable to physically and emotionally tolerate what you are so gleefully inflicting on him.
“Consent”’ is a very murky thing, and his suffering is no less significant just because he let you do it. People let other people do all sorts of horrible things to them (as I have done), and legally have given “consent” (albeit possibly not “informed consent”). That does not change how much they physically and emotionally suffer even if the “consent” liberates the person inflicting the suffering from inconvenient pangs of conscience or empathy and lustfully savor their distress level as well as the ability to deny them mercy.
If this is “real” then the suffering is real. You either care about it or you don’t. If someone asks me to stab them and I knew I could avoid prosecution I still wouldn’t do it because I could not handle hurting them.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteSurprised to see you remove that comment. That is the first time you’ve ever done that to me except when I asked. It was all true and a legitimate response to someone saying how much they like to see someone sob and really beg for mercy.
ReplyDeleteDD is not a game or role play, right? There’s no safeword. If someone is crying and begging for mercy, they really mean it, don’t they? That’s what is “super hot,” isn’t it?
Actually, to tell you the thruth, I deleted it to protect YOUR feelings, not mine. I had posted/published that comment without reading it in the beginning. I knew I could publish it, because it came from you. And when I - after a little while- actually read the comment, I saw that you had ended it by saying something along the line of: it is a comment for you only, you dont need or have to publish it. So I thought: "well, if he doesnt want me to publish it, I wont." Only, at the time I had already published it, that's why I had to delete it, in order to take it off.
DeleteFair enough. Since it was published, I had forgotten I said that at the end. I was just surprised that it was there and taken down.
DeleteI think about this post a lot because it seems to mock the post that it was based on, and which I wrote. I think until you’ve begged someone for mercy and had them ignore your pleas, it is easy to treat that kind of begging and pleading cavalierly or revel in how “hot” it is.
ReplyDeleteI am interested in this premise of yours: “in my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it, whatever it is I might be doing.”
Do you really know that to be the case? You don’t think that someone being punished by you feels any pressure not to do that for fear of losing you or losing your respect?
Based on strength and size, I could have easily overpowered women who caused me lasting harm, and I never even tried. As they continued to hurt me, I sunk into a headspace where it simply was not within my power emotionally to protect myself. In part, I wanted them to see how cruel I thought they were by having them witness my distress. Turned out that they didn’t give a shit.
I thought about a post that you made once about an incident with your husband, who was your boyfriend at the time. I think you have since pulled it. As I recall, you paddled him, and he got angry with you and I believe ran out of your hotel room or somewhere you were staying. My recollection is that he was upset with you about the severity of the paddling. If I misremembered the incident, I can try to find the post on the wayback machine. If I remembered it correctly, why didn’t he just overpower you or leave instead of subjecting himself to a paddling that at some point he truly did not want? Have you never had someone tell you that you went too far in what you did to them snd that they were truly hurt or upset by it?
"I think about this post a lot because it seems to mock the post that it was based on, and which I wrote."
DeleteNo mocking, my post just states my view of things. You and I, we both disagree on things. We both see things differently. I am convinced that I will not be able to make you understand my position. I accept that we see the world through completely different lenses. I understand that you were hurt. And I am sorry that happened to you. In my relationships, the men are not in any danger at all. I know that is hard for you to accept, but it is true nevertheless. The dynamic in my relationships is different. I am the one who has been yelled at by a man I was in a relationship with: "I am gonna kill you". If someone is staying for fear of losing the partner, it is me. Not the men in my life.
"I am interested in this premise of yours: “in my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it, whatever it is I might be doing.”
Do you really know that to be the case?"
YES.
"You don’t think that someone being punished by you feels any pressure not to do that for fear of losing you or losing your respect?"
N0. In my experience the guys in my life just do what they want to do. If they dont wanna do something I want them to do, they just dont do it. Period.
"Based on strength and size, I could have easily overpowered women who caused me lasting harm, and I never even tried. As they continued to hurt me, I sunk into a headspace where it simply was not within my power emotionally to protect myself. In part, I wanted them to see how cruel I thought they were by having them witness my distress. Turned out that they didn’t give a shit."
You and I, we are talking about completely different things You are talking about trauma and I am talking about kink. You wont hear from me what you are looking for. As I said many times, I am very sorry that you had to endure so much shit.
I know what post you are referring to. Yes, I took it off, because I am not talking about my husband on the blog anymore.
I understand that my comments are easy to dismiss as some aberrant product of trauma and therefore completely irrelevant. However, the blog post in question raised exactly the issue I am talking about: He "consented" to something he did not want and which he said hurt him because he believed he had to.
ReplyDeleteI was able to access the text of the post from 2017. It said: "He was on the bed, I paddled him, he was quiet, did not move, did not say much. And immediately after we left the hotel to enter the city night life, when we were on the street for about one minute, he got into a yelling contest with a guy selling food on the streets. Gregory completely lost it. The guy was an idiot, yes, but he was just a random street food seller, selling highly overpriced stuff to people. I could not care about him less. The events unfolded so quickly, I had troubles following the action. The two guys yelled and cursed at each other in ways I have rarely seen or heard in my life. I was just standing there, I did not even try to stop Gregory. The emotions were too raw and deep. Somehow the two guys were able to not beat each other, and Gregory and I walked away. Gregory and I had a talk at the next street corner. I asked him what just happened. I understood that the street food guy was not the real source of anger for Gregory. And Gregory told me in [no] uncertain terms that I had been too hard with the paddle, that I dont know what I am doing, that he fears about his safety with me, that he cant and wont let me paddle him again." You also said: "And so, now on that street corner, he said to me: "I would have told you that the paddling is too hard, but you were very clear the other day that you don't want me to teach you. That's why I complied and let you do your thing. I submitted to you. It was not good for me though."
He had enough rage to nearly provoke a fight with a stranger because he complied with a demand not to submit without voicing his concern about how he was being treated. He didn't get up. He didn't tell you to stop. He suffered.
So, I don't think my questions were as full of s*&t as your response might suggest, i.e., "you wont hear from me what you are looking for."
Of course, I won't. I just get dismissed because it's easy to do.
James
I think it is fair to say that I have imvested HOURS in replying to your comments and thoughts over the years. I am not just dismissing what you say. But I am tired of the intensity that our conversations tend to have. I think I will have to live with the fact that you dont agree with me/ dont understand me. Believe what you want. That's ok.
DeleteMy silence means I am tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. My silence means I am tired of explaining my feelings to you but now I don’t have the energy to explain them anymore. My silence means I have adapted to the changes in my life and I don’t want to complain. My silence means I am on a self-healing process and I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you. My silence means I am just trying to move on gracefully with all my dignity.
Delete~ Aarti Khurana
Umm. “I am trying to forget everything I ever wanted from you.”
ReplyDeleteNice. Sorry for the assist with the IFS the other day. I guess I should have been silent.
This started with you using my words in a very “in my face” way. You plucked them from another blog to do that and then boldly said “hearing and Ignoring pleas for mercy,” which you know meant real pleas for mercy, was “super hot.” That wasn’t just disagreeing with me. That was throwing my words back in my face and denigrating my point by boldly embracing something horrific that it was speaking about.
For the record, I was just questioning your premise regarding the impact of “consent” in an activity that is intended to feel non-consensual. I have seen it arise in other situations and thought you could explain it.
Enjoy the silence.
I should have just said that I was hurt by what you did in this post. I don’t expect it to matter or that you even believe me, but I was. My words were borne of real pain, and to have them used this way hurt and saddened me.
ReplyDelete