Monday, April 19, 2021

crazy how our brains work

I am not in a good spot emotionally. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hate it. My depression has returned full force and I am feeling pretty lost. I am talking to a shrink once a week, and she is super helpful. I don't know how I could make it without her. 

I was pretty much emotionally burned out when I arrived in the US. And in the last months I thought I had somewhat gotten back to normal, but I am realizing: I am not back to normal yet. Depression is a powerful force. Everything feels like a struggle. I feel like crying, but I don't even have tears anymore.

Everything feels stressful for me. I feel under constant time pressure. And I feel like I don't have time for all the things/projects I wanna do. I wake up with the feeling of: "Fuck, the night is over, now I gotta face another day full of struggles and pressure."

My shrink says because I had so much pressure and time pressure in the past, my brain sends me these signals now, even  though I have much more time now than I had in Germany. It's like these thoughts are engraved in my brain now.

I try to get 10 000 steps in daily, and I am trying to eat healthy, but even going for a walk or cooking feels like a burden and a chore. The fact that we are taking care of an elderly family member is not helping.

Part of my problem is that I am (or have?)  a dependent personality. Meaning: I am always focused outwards. Part of my attention, if not most of my attention, is often focused outwards. I am so tuned in to my surroundings, I can feel when other people want something, or need something. And if I can help them, I do. I am always trying to make the people around me feel good. And more often than not, I am succeeding in that goal. That is why everybody loves me. Of course they do, I am a constant source for energy and happiness for them. I am always trying to please everybody. And the result is: they are happy, and I feel like going to bed and never ever waking up.

I am pretty much at loss now with where I wanna go in my life. Getting married and moving to the USA has been my dream for so long, and now I feel like: "That's it. That's all that is. I reached my goal." And honestly: I have no idea where to go from here.

Yes, I am preparing for the bar exam, but I cannot even imagine working full time anymore. 

I know I will always make it,... somehow...., but my problem is: I am so tired, the idea of having to struggle for 40 more years is just unbearable. I don't wanna struggle anymore. I am fed up with solving problems. I am fed up with always being at peoples service, and always wondering where my next money is coming from.

I received a 100 Dollar gift from a friend the other day, and it almost made me cry. I was so thankful for his support. It felt like the universe  -through him- is throwing me a life line. For a moment I could forget what I am constantly feeling: a feeling of failure. Oh, and btw: don't think for a moment that I am enjoying asking readers of my blog for financial support. Believe me, I do not. I feel like I completely failed in my professional life. Here I am now, being forty something, and what have I show off for myself? A German law degree that brought me nothing but problems to work pro bono for.

I realized that I have to change my thinking, especially when it comes to money and charging for my services. And I can report that I have been working diligently on changing my "money beliefs". I worked on it for months and months and months, and the result is: I still don't see any results. It is all still a struggle. I can live as a minimalist, I actually enjoy being a minimalist, but this constant worrying has gotten under my skin. As it is now, I think the California bar exam isn't gonna help me either. It feels like I am doomed. Whatever I do, I will never be able to just rest and relax and calm down.

One other big source of sadness is: I realized that the door for having children is about to close. I never thought that would happen to me. I was always great with kids. I always wanted kids. It fills me with enormous sadness to realize that my own "efforts" to become a mom were in vain.

On top of it all: A friend  has finally really gotten under my skin. He is traumatized and thinks that dd and women who - in the dd context-  enjoy punishing their husband are evil. Me, with my understanding personality, I can totally see where he is coming from. I see that his point of view does make sense, given his history. But the fact that I can understand him and even feel compassion for him, makes it unbelievably difficult for me to stay on my own course. I am having problems asserting myself already. Being told now - from a smart and articulate friend-  that the thoughts I am having are not ok, that is really difficult for me.

DD and the kink has always been my way of finding emotional release. The fact that he is now taking that away from me, makes it really difficult. Sure, I can hear you think: "what does it matter to your life what he thinks?" But the thing is: Over the years I have really liked the raw honesty between him and I. And the fact that he now says that even "consensual" kink action can traumatize or re-traumatize the man, that is a big deal for me. And it is one of the most off-turning thoughts ever.   What does it leave for me? Kinky games are not my cup of tea at all. I don't play kink. And in normal vanilla everyday life I am already more submissive than a housewife in the US in the 50ies. 

When it comes to dd and my husband: I loved the thought of having the man's ok to have things my way. I loved the power that the man handed over to me by submitting to me. I loved the silent trust in me. I loved the sign of "let's do it your way, I know that you know what you are doing". Thinking that I dont have all that anymore, that really makes me sad.

18 comments:

  1. Dear Tina:

    I am so sorry for your pain. There are a lot of sources here: being new in a foreign country; thinking that your window is closing on children; needing to start your career somewhat anew.

    Our thoughts are with you. I feel terrible for you. Please keep working with the therapist

    J

    ps. and screw James. His opinion is about his life only. It makes no sense to generalize beyond that: there are many people in joyful dd relationships

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very very much for your support. It means a lot to me. Really.

      Delete
  2. Screw J.

    This is based on my experience, accounts of others and conversations with mental health professionals. I learned that other people made the same implicit deal that I made as a child: “I will let you hurt me if you promise not to leave me.” Once you make that deal, you keep making as an adult.

    I have had in person encounters with two FLR DD women who explicitly threatened to leave their husband (in one case) and boyfriend (in the other) if they did not submit to real, corporal punishment. Those guys had to make the same deal to avoid being abandoned.

    Everyone is quick to scapegoat, insult, and belittle me, but no one addresses what I say on the merits.

    My point with consent is that consent alone is nothing. People have an obligation to be kind and decent regardless of what someone would submit to. I would not stab someone just because they “consented.” I am far from the only one who has consented to things that were damaging. People who experience trauma seek to repeat it over and over to gain control of it. Freud coined the term “trauma repetition” to describe it. People can do this unconsciously for their entire lives. I didn’t realize it for decades.

    So all you assholes can continue to drag me, but my opinions are based on real experiences. Anyone outside this community would ask why a grown, non-masochistic adult would submit to real, painful, beatings. Rationalizations like “accountability” don’t hold water. Nor does “improving communication” because if silences the disempowered partner. Tina herself had said she doesn’t want to have fo discuss why she wants to do what she wants to do and that DD allows her to do that.


    The “why” question seems to be a question no one will entertain in this world, but the hostility you pricks level at me speaks volumes. People who are at peace with what they do don’t feel a need to defend it from criticism. They just quietly enjoy what they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am actually surprised how little empathy you show towards me. I have been on your side for years.
      And: calling people names is kindergarten level.

      Delete
    2. I showed empathy by putting it on a wall and it not saying any of what you complain of to you. I have always respected your candor about what you do. I did not attack you for anything you did. I didn’t say you traumatized anyone. I explained what I have observed and how I understood it, and I left it there for those who chose to read it. Mostly, I posed questions based on what can happen to people when you inflict physical punishment on them.

      You were on my “side” because you could dismiss what I said as the aberration of a trauma victim which allowed you to dismiss it as not having any real weight or significance. At most, it was apparently some form of pity. I never came at you directly like you did here. If what I said was baseless, you would not have made the effort to drag me on your blog and invite the “Js” of the world to come after me.

      When someone says “screw” me, I tend to respond in kind. You have no problem with your readers hurling invective at me. Only when I respond do you bother to say anything.

      Delete
    3. You are entitled to your own perception.

      Delete
    4. Dear Tina:

      I do think that James is a bad influence. His experiences are real, but his reasoning is weak. Just because he has seen some sequence of behaviors n=2, he somehow generalizes as it suits him. (it probably makes him feel better.)

      I have met a lot of people from a lot of different kinds of lifestyles, and I think it is very difficult to make the kind of generalizations that he is trying to make. In my experience (way more than n=2), people in dd lifestyles are all over the spectrum in intelligence and careers and personalities. I am very dubious of generalizations about this group.

      So yes, screw James's opinion (not James himself; that was unnecessary; sorry). His opinion is not backed up with data.

      (Neither is mine, the astute reader will note. By my hypothesis is a null hypothesis: there are no relations like the ones James is trying to foist on you. the standard scientific method will push most of us towards that view, in the absence of strong data to the contrary.)

      so please ignore him. You are a good person as you are. You just need to find happiness being yourself. If that's in a dd relationship, then go for it.

      hugs to you,

      other J

      Delete
  3. Hello, I have followed, intermittently, your blog and I always liked your sincerity. I think about the possibility that you are excessively outgoing and your main function is feelings. Excessively extroverted people can collapse and become exhausted

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I think that could be what is happening right now. I really feel like I collapsed.

      Delete
  4. Part 1:

    Tina, I am male and german myself, my rudimental english may lack elegance, but i hope I will be able to make the point nevertheless and I assure you, in German I would sound very convincing. ;)

    I followed you for years loosely, every few months I took a look. I remember writing once or twice short comments in the past, don’t remember with what Nick, but never became occupied, as I dont know enough about you to formulate a true opinion or professional analysis. It would be unprofessional to formulate assumptions with only the pieces you offer here every few months.

    I have some psychological background myself, although I dont operate in my original education anymore and "reinvented" myself in another profession, that has also to do with helping and encouraging others. Also I live since 9 years in a very happy DS Relationship with my wife, me on the receiving end.

    Several times in the last years I raised my eyebrows reading your lines and that motivated me to come back to your blog once in a while. The eyebrows raised like Spock because things sounded familiar from what I have experienced with others, you are not alone and yes, people like you can find help and peace of mind. There is always an option.

    Even if I cant truly help, maybe I can give you a few lifelines. I do this deliberately with simple "down to earth" statements that could come from any friend of yours too.

    First, a traumatized person might be a friend, but is in no way a judge that has the competence to generalize its traumatic experience on others.

    I will in no way judge this “friend” you mentioned, I am sure he truly believes he is right as a trauma occupies and is per definition front and center, but a generalization is without any substance, I can assure you that. People and their psyche are far, far more complicated and diverse. There is no need to say more.

    If it does help, my wife and I live very happy, completely consensual in our roles, that raised our relationship to another level and we have a joyous son. Not everything is joyous in our life, as life never is that easy, but our relationship is and is a spring of well, love and happiness to us. So yes, your dreams are real, but it is not an easy path as it taps into deep wires of our personality. People are different. Rolemodels to live happily together are different. Never ever trust any generalization on this.

    Second, when I raised my eyebrows many times, it was more or less when I again and again though to perceive, that you followed paths that you convinced yourself that they are what you truly want - but they weren’t. This was often my impression from your words – I dont have more than that.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. So far you are giving very helpful input. I do appreciate it.

      Delete
  5. Part 2:

    Many times in the last years I have read your own psychological analysis of yourself – I guess inspired by your shrink - and had the feeling that you are on the right track. But I rarely had the impression that you *acted* on that path. There is a difference between intellectual analysis and changed behaviour. As a lawyer you are trained to rationalize in your brain, but acting is something different, I am sure you know that. ��

    So what I am trying to say is, that you don’t seem to have a lack of analysis, you seem to have a lack of acting on your grown, own understanding of yourself! I know, it is very difficult to deal with imprintings of a childs brain, but it is possible with help and help you need!

    When I now see you in depression, loosing balance by an unsubstantial claim as above, it seems obvious that you lack what is called *midths* in german, the ability and peace of mind to know what your true needs are.

    I cant give serious advice how to find that midth from far, but it is important and I encourage you to find professional help. Don´t try to tackle this situation alone, you need someone to take your hand figuratively. I am wondering why beside your shrink this is not your husband that you married not long ago, but here again, I don’t know enough.

    And if I might give you one blunt advice: It is not important what a J. or a A. or B. or C. or myself thinks what is right or wrong. It is completely irrelevant to you.

    What is important to you is to understand the cause of your inner conflict and then learn to loosen its grip and find new paths into a better future. *You* are important to yourself, *your* needs are important to yourself, not A., B., C. or J. And you need help on this path, take it by all means!

    After you have digged yourself out of this dark hole with help – and I am sure you will - know this:

    There *is* a happy future for you and most of your dreams can still be true. But to find them you must first make yourself front and center, which might mean decisions, that might seem harsh today. Because today, you seem to often make others front and center. But it is *your* life, not theirs. And your life lies still ahead of you and not behind.

    And something more to think about. Every person has a few but pivotal believes and preferences, he oder she cant happily live without. It is not the path to happiness to try to convince oneself that they are secondary. The path to happiness is to identify and pursue them, by all means.

    Fin. It became far more words than intended. I hope you can deal with my bumpy wording.

    Take care!

    M.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much, M. Your word do make a lot of sense to me.

      I am in the hands of a supportive shrink. She is helping a lot. She says I have come so far already, and right now I am suffering a relapse.

      My husband: I cant write about him here on the blog anymore. he doesnt want me to, and I respect that.

      In my family of origin I was trained to put other peoples needs first. My shrink saw the danger that I would recreate the same dynamic now here in the US with my own /new family. And I am trying hard to not do that. But it is tough. Some behavior patterns are so deeply embedded in my brain, it takes so much courage for me to change it.
      I made myself my most important project. And I love the time that I have to be with myself and do stuff for me. I feel most centered and balanced and grounded when I have enough time for myself. (The fact that we are taking care of an elderly, alzheimer suffering parent, is not helping. I got to constantly remind myself to not give my energy completely away.)

      Interesting point you are raising with the pivotal believes. I have the strong feeling that the lawyering I am doing is not something that makes me happy. In a way I detest the clients for having their law cases.

      Thanks for taking the time to write all that. It was very helpful indeed.

      Delete
  6. Part 2

    Now back to you.

    Before I start I will state again, that I don´t know you and know nothing about you. Therefore I have zero competence to judge and I am fully aware of that.
    All I have is what you offer here and therefore everything I say is based on the *Impression* your words spark in me, things *seem* to be, if they really *are* is nothing I can know!

    With that said, I believe you are on the wrong track with starting to reflect on your lawyer-job as a cause for your lack of happiness.
    It is obvious – just look in your “About me” – what the reason is that you became lawyer : “I will fight for you with all my strength, mind, heart and soul.”
    You have the urge to serve and help others, deeply engraved – but it doesn’t make you happy alone. That is easy to see.

    When I repeat all the posts from you I have read from a relationship point of view, you *never* were dominant on the relationship-level, you always was the one to submit, to care, to feel an urge to help others.
    Just remember those man who ghosted you, you were for months unable to internally get rid of him, although his ghosting was deeply unfair. Not his breaking up the relationship, the ghosting.
    So in some terms the title of your blog is not precise. You are strong – yes. You *play* dominant in kinky games – yes. You can be bossy during a normal day – maybe.

    But you are *not* dominant in a relationship! And this doesn’t make you happy, it creates frictions and tears you apart.

    Now look at your new husband G., again I can only know and react to what you offer:

    - It was *you* that moved to the US, not he to Germany
    - It was *you* that was willing to disclaim your strong needs for what you call kink. “Please love me” was more important than your need.
    - It was *you* that was willing to leave your whole family and friends behind, not he.
    - It was *you* that was willing to resign your job for him, not he.
    - It is *you* that is dealing with a foreign alzheimer person, does he care for your family the same?
    - It is *you* that does want to become mother, does he support you in this central urge for every woman? And if not, was is this this relationship about?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I could go on. Ask yourself: What was *he* willing to do for you, beside “love you”, which is an implicitness in a good relationship and no gift?
    It seems easy to say, that in your relationship he controls you in many ways, he is the dominant and you have completely submitted to him – even financially as it seems.
    You are the satellite that circles around him and whenever he wants, he can pull you and fulfill his desire. And this doesn’t seem to make you happy, as the woman in the true story above.

    Again, this sounds as I would judge from far away. *I don’t*, I know nothing. Maybe your G. is the nicest and most supportive person of the world and my assumptions are bullshit.
    All I can say is, that from the words you offer here, it *seems* that way to me! There is nothing more than I can offer. I just want to help to focus you on where the core problem is you should tackle.

    Your inner contradiction is *not* about being a lawyer and it is *not* about playing a little bit kink once in a while. These are all symptoms, not the core. And if you fumble on symptoms, the core pain will not go away.

    The core is about the way you want to live, the persons you choose to live with an whether they can make you happy. And many traumatized persons unfortunately tend to repeat the same mistake every time. The trauma repeats itself.

    I don’t know how fully honest you are with your shrink, she has many patients and can only help, if you open everything. She is supportive, but not your best friend that truly cares for you.

    Tackle the core and the only thing that is important to you now is *YOU*, even not your husband and in no way an alzeheimer person that is not part of your family.

    Take a deep breath, push all the desires of others away, all the things you think you *should* do because otherwise they are unhappy and concentrate on your needs.

    Again, I react to what you writer, to what *seems* to be in my perception. I am no judge, just giving an impulse.

    But if you ask me I would suspect that you will never be truly happy, if you don’t find a way to integrate in your life what you call “kink” and is in reality about Dominance and Submission – independent of sexuality.

    Hugs and all the best!
    M.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Addendum:

    I am not sure that everything went as intended when posting.

    I hope I sent you 3 parts as Anonymous M, as there is a character restriction on posting.

    If you didnt receive 3 parts, one is missing. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Here is my advice to you. I am a US attorney, I passed the bar many years ago after law school. I set up a study schedule and went to a bar prep course. I didn't work that summer and only studied. We had prep books for the multi state subjects. I think I did it in two sections a day study and practice test.

    The practice tests actually were too easy compared to the real exam but somehow I passed. Years later though I was working and needed to take another bar exam. It took me 4 tries. I decided the last time was it if I didn't pass I wasn't going to do it again although I was already a lawyer in other states. However I was working at the time and things were more difficult for me.

    Law is an extremely stressful job for me. People come to me with their problems, I don't make promises but a lot of times they are desperate. Some times I had to take off studying to deal with those cases.

    In your case my suggestion is to find a big firm that has an international practice in Germany or the EU. Whether you pass or fail you are fluent in both languages and have some valuable skills.

    I never worked for one of the big firms but I hear they are terrible places to work however if you go in as a consultant or part time if you find the right place you can probably find something you like.

    Don't stress yourself out. It is a hard road, I know some people who gave up. You though are already an attorney in Germany so no one can say you are not an attorney whether you get admitted in California or somewhere else you are. If you discount it being hard you are not doing yourself any favors. If you don't have a home environment that lets you study you need that and you need that support from your husband to further your goals.

    I'm not sure if you are seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist or other counselor. If you need medication at this time to sleep and maintain your study schedule you need to do that. If you want my advice more I will give it to you although I don't check the accounts I use to post but I can send an message confirming who I am to your email.

    Good luck.

    pebble

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is going to sound totally crazy to you and certainly is very counterintuitive, but your problem of feeling sad and depressed is likely the result of not getting enough sun. I've been experimenting with this and can tell you with absolute certainty that getting a moderate amount of sun each week totally eliminates depression and makes me feel terrific. Certainly, you don't want to get burned or even red. Start with just a few minutes in a bathing suit and, over the course of the summer, work up to maybe 10 minutes of sun on each side. You will be amazed at the difference. Get out there twice a week and take it from there. I can get you more information on this if you would like.

    ReplyDelete