dark night of the soul

The last weeks/months have been brutal. I went through very dark moments. I will spare you the details. The gist of it is:

I am still in the US and things have somewhat changed to the better. 

I am working as a caregiver for a woman now and finally have some steady income. I make the enormous amount of $18.22 per hour. I sometimes work 12 hour shifts and we will see how my back reacts to it. I live in one of the most expensive places in the US and I have no idea how I am supposed to make ends meet with that salary. But at this point I take what I can get. I work so much, I just cant work  more.  

The people at my work, and especially the patient, are very appreciative and nice though and for the first time in a very long time I feel seen and appreciated again. I have been told many times that me taking on this  specific caregiver job was the answer of prayers of some of the people involved.  They had been praying for someone like me. 

I know that I am a great care giver. I always was. Still am. And taking care of people comes naturally to me. Uplifting people and helping people through dark times  is something I am very good at.  The challenging part for me is not to lose myself. The high of being needed is very addictive to me. I am very much aware of the fact though that my own energy is not as good/high as it  once was.

I applied for all sorts of legal jobs, but nothing worked out. At one point I was applying for a legal job in the country of Jordan. I just wanted to get away from the situation I was in. But even the job in Jordan did not work out.

Some of you have reached out to me, but I did not respond. I just did not have the energy nor the time. Today is the first day in weeks that I have some time for myself. 

I finally masturbated again today. That is always a good sign for me. It means that my energy is returning. And the videos I am masturbating to are still bdsm/femdom/domestic discipline related. I think my sexual preference will never change. I think the more my real life forces me in a position of being the servant to others ( both in my job as a caregiver and in my side jobs as nanny) the more I crave to have my dominant needs met. I am trying so hard to make my life here in the US work, I am bending backwards for the people I work for, and I am craving to have somebody tell me: "Tina,  I see how hard you are trying. I see how hard you are working. I am proud of you. I believe in you." In my real life  now I have to walk on eggshells constantly. I think that's why I love the kink so much. It allows me to just go for what I want and just take what I so desperately need. I have written about it so often, and I dont want to be repetitive, but basically: A man offering me his submission is the quickest way into my heart and into my pants. A man trusting me with his butt is so powerful because  by letting me do to his butt whatever I want, he is telling me: "I know you got this. I am so sure about it, I trust you with my butt :-)" 

Speaking about butts: After much pondering, I am now finally willing to take the right guy over my knees. No sex, no kissing, just real life maternal style scolding and discipline. If you are interested, drop me a line and we will see if we can arrange something.

Oh, and to the few who have asked: YES, PLEASE send me an amazon gift card if you wanna support me. I am telling you,  the 18.22 an hour that I am making are keeping my chin over water, but i am still very much struggling.