let's talk about my ex boyfriend for a sec

I was soooo close to finally spanking a wonderful guy again. Here is the gist of it:

Let's call him "Hermes," like the messenger of Gods that be was. After weeks of back and forth between us , we were finally supposed to meet tomorrow and he would go over my knee for a nice bare otk spanking. 

I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I had had a good feeling with him right from the beginning. I knew he was not playing stupid games with me. I could tell that he had a lot of potential, and on top of it: Even Gregory was fine with me meeting Hermes and "doing stuff" with him. Everything looked really good.

Hermes was not interested in getting am "anonymous" spanking from an exchangeable domme, he wanted someone who really cares about him. That was fine with me. But the whole situation was a bit tricky, because Hermes and I wanted to create closeness and a feeling of "friendship" and a certain bond, without anyone of us actually falling in love with the other. He is married, I am married, but what we were trying to do was getting a deep understanding of each other and creating an atmosphere were openness and vulnerability could flourish.

We were supposed to meet and go for lunch or dinner in my favorite sushi restaurant around my corner, and later the spanking should happen in my house. I had everything plotted out. And I had even bought a nice and sexy skirt that I would wear while spanking him, because he had told me that a skirt and stockings would make it even better for him. Me, being the subservient domme that I am, went and bought an appropriate skirt immediately. I do everything for my guys, lol, I am telling you :-) 

Hermes is a busy guy, I am busy with my minimum wages jobs, therefore it was a bit difficult to find a good date. But we finally found one and I was ready to do my magic. Unfortunately, the day  or two before the meeting Hermes got sick and  we had to postpone the meeting. What a bummer that was, but hey, there was nothing I could do. 

So we set up another date. But , keep in mind, it was weeks later again. I more or less patiently waited for the new date to happen, when a few days before the new meeting he contacts me and tells me that he might come down with the flu. I was so disappointed and got triggered in all the bad places. I felt like I cant wait anymore for any guy on this planet. So I sent him the following message:

Sorry, Hermes, I can’t do this. It just doesn’t feel good to me. I am bending myself backwards for you, but your life or schedule or body seems to say NO consistently.  I like to be in charge and in control, but in our relationship I am neither.  I am wishing you nothing but the best. I hope you find what you are looking for, but it is not me

He replied back to me explaining a bit more about his life and giving me many good explanations. And he called me rigid. And I knew he was right, I was super rigid. But at the same time I felt this  -for me- still very unfamiliar feeling of: "hell yes, I am rigid and stubborn here, and I am not giving enough weight to all the very good reasons that he was giving me, but instead I just follow my own feelings and my own gut and my own needs here."

I went to bed that night and suddenly had the best dream about my ex boyfriend ever. (Yes, I still mean the ex from a few years ago, the ex who I was willing to marry and when I mentioned it to him he ghosted me and has not spoken a word since with me).

In my dream, I finally met my ex again. He was standing in front of a tribunal of women and the women, one after the other, scolded him and told him that his behavior was not ok and that he needs to repent and needs to be punished. 

I remember that in the beginning of the dream scene I was holding my hand in front of my mouth, as if I was preventing myself from speaking out against my ex, the man I still see in the category of Gods. But then when it was my time to speak I actually did speak up for myself and did stand up against him. For the first time since he ghosted me I did not feel as a victim anymore. In my dream I had this clear feeling of: "Yes, you hurt me and you deserve to be punished. It is important that you understand that your behavior was cruel." But at the same time I felt emotionally detached. I felt very matter of fact. There was no little girl whining or begging or trying to please him anymore. It was more a feeling of : "lets deal with your punishment now and we can finally move on. You know that all actions have consequences and you have been evading any consequences from me for a long time now."

It is hard to describe what happened in my psyche, all I can tell is: I woke up and felt unbelievably empowered. I can feel that a big shift happened. And I am super thankful that it finally shifted, whatever 'it" may be.

And to Hermes I say: Thank you for being the messenger. Thank you for allowing me to grow. I do appreciate you coming into my life very much. You know how to reach me.