My 40th birthday

I am turning 40 tomorrow.

No big party though. Just a nice lunch with 3 or 4 friends and a dinner at home with some other friends. 

It is an interesting time in my life. I am trying to understand who I am and where I am at in my life. The past 5 years here with my blog have been a big pleasure for me. I thank each one of you who ever wrote or commented on my blog.

I sometimes get the same questions over and over again, so I decided to publicly answer some faq.

Are you real?

yes.

Why do you write in English?

In the beginning, when I opened my blog, it was much easier to talk about such deep and intimate and "secret" feelings in another language. The change in language helped me a lot to "distance" myself a bit from my own words and feelings.

Another reason is: I really LOVE american men. No idea why that is. I just do.

How old are you?

well, ahhhhm, 40, tomorrow :-)

When did you first know that you are into spankings?

Around the age of 14.

I was never really interested in "vanilla" sex. Already my first sexual thoughts ever were linked with dominance and submission.

Are you strict?

Nope, not really. I am always trying to please my guy.  But sometimes being strict is the best way to please him ;-)

What kind of punishments do you use?

Well, I have actually used:

corner times, scoldings, orgasm denial, spankings, spankings otk, a belt, a hairbrush, writing lines, loss of privileges,... sometimes the small things make the biggest impact. It is all a matter of reaching the man emotionally and finding the right "spot" for him.

Is there a chance to meet you for real ?

Yes, there actually is a chance to meet me. I will be in San Francisco, Ca at the beginning of October. 

Where is the catch with you?

I tend to be possessive, demanding, loud. I want to be the center of attention. I am not always strong, there are times when I am feeling overwhelmed and need my man to be my rock.

good real life domestic discipline part 2

We went to the ball together, he looked awesome, he was the perfect gentleman and he let me touch him in very possessive ways while we were sitting at a table with many other people. To sum it up: Fun :-)

We left early and had the house for ourselves. I took advantage of that privacy and I showered him with attention and affection.

It was a warm summer night, we were both naked and for the first time in a very long time I felt very comfortable in my body again. He made it very easy for me. He wanted me and he showed it to me in very reassuring ways. We talked a lot, I teased him a lot, I gave him a real spanking on his bare bottom, I fingered his ass... we did not get much sleep that night.

Early in the morning he finally fell asleep in my arms and stayed there. It felt good. Very intimate and close.  

In the morning we had breakfast with my family, and later he and I went for a walk in the woods.

During that walk he told me that there cannot be a future for us. He apologized deeply for only telling me that now, but he gave me a very good explanation for his behavior. And I understood his line of thinking and I actually agreed with his reasoning. I did understand him, I even thought he was right...and still it hurt.

To get over that awkward moment, we started to talk about vanilla things. He started to ask me questions about my life, my house, my family , my job... and I felt totally cornered and criticized. He only asked questions, but his questions hit me in the bottom of my stomach. It shook me in a very bad way and I started to cry. 

I knew I was overreacting, I knew he had not tried to hurt me, I understood that he had intended no harm, but I was not able to stay cool. We walked back home in silence and I gave him the cold shoulder treatment. He tried his best to make me feel good again, but he was not able to turn my mood around again. I  just needed to process what had just happened.

We sat down in the garden together and did not say a word to each other. After a while I finally relented and accepted his apology and we gave each other a very very very long and deep and intimate hug. I ended the hug by taking his hand and telling him: "follow me". And I started to lead him into my office. He was a bit confused, did not suspect what I had in mind, but just followed me. 

In my office I led him to my desk, touched his back, pushed him down a bit and told him: "bend over the desk! " He did not ask anything, just followed my order. 

While he was bending over my desk, I patted the back pockets of his jeans and realized that he has stuff in there. Without asking for his permission I emptied the back pockets of his pants, and threw the content on the table. Tabacco for roll-up cigaretts, lol. (which, btw, was a super hot moment for me. This is something that I usually just dont do in my life, lol, searching and emptying the pockets of a man.) Only a moment later my wooden hairbrush slammed down on his butt. ( I always have a wooden hairbrush near my desk, lol, really. I did not ever have a chance to use it, but I always wanted to use it. And so, with the lovely gentleman, finally my opportunity had come.)

I gave him a short, sharp shock. Just a few hard slaps with my hair brush. But the message was absolutely clear and he totally got what I was trying to tell him ;-) It all went very quick. Not staged or playful. Just a woman telling a man that his behavior was not ok.

As suddenly as I had started the spanking I ended it again. I told him to get up and I gave him a long and warm hug. He was contrite and I told him that all is good again.  The spanking had totally cleared the air.

We huged each other for a long time, over and over again. Both of us did not want to let the other go. But we both knew we had to.... Then his taxi came and he left. 

good real life domestic discipline

I have not posted much about real life kink lately. There is however one event I ´d like to share with you because it was just too good to keep it to myself ;-)

I wont give you any specifics about the guy. Let´s just say: He is a very lovely gentleman.

I had met him online, we had clicked immediately and only about one week later he came to visit me at my home. Note: he came to visit me at my home. This is something that has only ever happened once before in my life. The only man I ever brought home to my family was my ex with whom I had a 4 years long relationship. So, in allowing the guy to visit me at home I had changed my modus operandi in a huge huge way :-)

I had picked him up at the train station, we made some small talk, went grocery shopping together and ended up in my bedroom only 20 min later.

For once in my life I was really courageous, lol, and without any foreplay I ordered him to strip while I stayed fully clothed. I felt like in a CFNM video, lol. He did as he was told and I spent the next hour or so exploring his body and his cock. We were having a lot of fun. I liked teasing and touching him and generally bossing him around ;-) His only comment was: "Wow, I like how possessive you touch me." It was a good time,  just fooling around.

About 2 hours later I had to go to a bbq with some other lawyers in my town. And the man agreed to accompany me to the party. So we went there together and on the way to the party he asked me: "How do people address each other at the party? first name or family name?" I said "family name" and he said: "well, makes sense, lawyers..." When we entered the place he whispered in my ear: "what again is your family name?"lol,  he really was not sure about my family name. I replied by asking him: "what again is your family name?" and we both started to laugh.  

 So far we had only used our first names. We theoretically knew our family names, but both of us did not remember it when we entered the place. :-) 

The party went well. I did not explain anything to anybody, just introduced him with his first and family name and he was just there with me, along with all the wives and partners of my lawyer colleagues. 

At one point the director of the local bar association wanted everybody to come together for a picture and I told him: "come with me, I want you on the photo". He did as he was told and the picture has been taken and he is standing on that picture next to me. 

What a day, I  need to laugh just remembering it.

But it went even better.  On the very same day, there was a big celebration in my family and in my town. The bbq had been in the afternoon, and in the evening I had to go to this kind of ball. Since the bbq had been so much fun, the we both agreed that he should come with me to the ball as well. Problem was: he did not have a white dress shirt left. He had not expected to go to a ball when he had packed his stuff ;-)

I told him: "No problem, I am gonna call my brother and he will bring us a shirt". 

the only problem was: we were running out of time and 4 women who were going to the ball with my family were already gathering at my house. So when the man and I arrived at my place to change clothes, the other people accompanying us were already waiting. So, like in a cheap movie, lol, the poor guy had to try on the shirt under the comments of 4 female guests plus my mom , my brother, my sister and me ;-)

the first shirt he tried on was black and too small. And common opinion was: he cannot wear that shirt to the ball. Then a discussion started among the ladies, whether he could wear a tshirt or whether it had to be a dress shirt, lol. It was a crazy situation, really. In the end my mom brought a nice ironed white shirt out of nowhere and he and I went up in my room for him to try it on. It did fit  perfectly and I gave him my thumbs up.

So he went down back to all the ladies, and 6 women said at the same time: "wow, this looks just awesome!" Everybody commented on his looks and on the shirt and I still wonder how he managed to stay so calm. He just accepted all the female attention and went along with whatever I wanted him to :-)

This - of course- gave me a lot of attention from my female friends. Everybody was like: "who is he? where does this great guy come from? "

... to be continued...

Thank you, Tommy

Sometimes in life, help comes from unexpected places.

The last year was just terrible for me. Looking back at the last 12 months, I can see clearly that I was pretty much traumatized by the loss of my grandma and the end of my relationship. Within a very very short time span I had lost two of the most important people of my life. And I still miss both of them enormously.

I gained about 15 kg in the last year. I literally stopped moving. I did not want to move, walk or exercise anymore because it felt like withdrawing myself from the world was the only thing I could do in order to SOMEHOW survive.

I functioned. I worked, I slept, I ate.  Nothing more.

Sure, I tried to keep my spirit up, I did endless hours of emotional and internal work. I meditated and pondered and reflected and I tried to move on, I tried to "get over it", but I just did not have any energy left. At all. And the longer that state lasted, the more depressed, sad and fearful I became.

I somehow got in contact with a man in the UK. Let´s call him "Tommy". We exchanged a few emails back and forth and we both felt, that there is some good chemistry between us.

We liked each other, but we realized pretty soon that there is just  no compatibility between our sexual interests. When I tried to be a bit domme-y, he felt I was patronizing him in an off turning way. Basically: He was not interested in the things I sexually like and do. And I was not interested in the things he sexually likes and does.

On a heart to heart level though, we liked each other a lot.

Tommy was in a  difficult situation in his life too, and the lawyer and helper and supporter in me offered to help him. My thinking went along the lines of: "My life at this point totally sucks. I see no help for myself at all. Me, I am a helpless case. So let´s give my life at least a bit of a meaning by helping him sort out his mess."

I might sound arrogant here, but as soon as I had heard of the mess he is in I immediately had a clear picture in my mind of what he had to do now and how he had to proceed. My analytical lawyer mind had taken over and I just KNEW what he had to do in order to make things much easier for himself in his current situation.

I tried to outline my plan for him, explain to him the next steps...

...and the whole thing blew in my face.

 I had told him: "I need to ask you millions of questions." And he misinterpreted it. He thought I was trying to be nosy, trying to get explanations from him, explanations that he did not have himself, whereas I wanted to ask guiding questions in order to GIVE him explanations for things I intuitively clearly understood.

I was offering him way way way too much. At a way too early point of time. 

And he probably could not understand my motives for doing it. I never explained him my motives, but I think they were:

I wanted to send something good into the world.

I wanted to believe that the world is a good and safe place to live in.

I needed to convince myself that things can end well.

I needed to convince myself that it makes sense to trust other people and to trust in other people.

I wanted to make a clear argument for one of my fundamental believes: we are all connected. And the less one of us has to suffer, the better it is for the others as well.

In helping him, I wanted to help myself.

I understood that Tommy and I came from different places, different backgrounds,  but I instinctively knew for a fact that him and I meeting in the world wide web was not a coincidence at all. I felt very clearly that I had attracted him into my life. That there was a message in us meeting at this point of time. And I was not willing to let him go without getting some answers from the universe through him.

And so the battle began.

Two dominant people getting in a constant battle of wills. 

We were behaving exactly like that couple:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0

We could not live with each other and we could not live without each other. We were emotionally very close, and within seconds one of us could feel hurt and hugely threatened by the other. As soon as one of us was finally emotionally too exhausted, drained and "gave up" and wanted to end the thing we were having, the other did all he/she could, to make him/her stay.

At one point he told me that in the short time with me he has argued more than in 20 years of marriage with his ex-wife.

But I just was not willing to let him go. I had this very strong feeling in my gut, that there is somewhere a hidden message for me. And I did indeed enjoy the interaction with him. He made me question my whole thinking. He challenged my believes in a big way.

After a while of unintentionally hurting each other, trying to end the thing, making up again, getting along with each other and hurting each other again, I told him that I want us to end the thing by writing each other a short message and telling the other, what each of us enjoyed and liked and learned from the other. I started by sending him a friendly email, thanking him  and wishing him well.

And he replied by saying: "I am not sure I can send you such a message. I feel completely drained. I don't know any longer what I feel and what I dont feel."

This - of course, lol- led to me feeling hurt again.

And I started to believe that maybe I was wrong in thinking there is meaning between the two of us meeting. As soon as I was wavering though, he was standing tall again and fought for us. :-)

After many of these ups and downs, him and I finally managed to have a wonderful conversation in which we both agreed that we are just not compatible. Regardless of our mutual wish to make it happen, our sexual needs just don't match. Nothing we can do about it. And during that conversation I learned one important lesson from him. He more or less said to me:

"Baby, as much as I like you, I am not willing to compromise as far as my sexuality is concerned. There is no sense for both of us in compromising here. We will only both end up bitter and unsatisfied. And we both deserve better. We both deserve to have our needs met."

His words had an enormous impact on me. I admired him hugely for his courage to go for his dreams and not settle for anything less. I am having problems finding the words to explain how much his words impressed me. Basically:  As soon as I heard him say that, as soon as I realized that he is courageous enough to stick to his dreams, even though the outer circumstances were very unfavorable for him,  I understood that THIS is the message I have been waiting for. I understood that this was a message from the universe guided in my direction. And I knew with certainty that I should not compromise either. Not with him, nor with any other guy. I deserve to have my needs met.

I understood the message and some sort of deep peace came over me. I finally had my hidden message.  J

Following up that conversation there was some amicable banter going on between us. I said some nice things to him, he said some nice things to me, and suddenly, for me absolutely unexpected, he apologized to me in a direct and straight forward manner. He said something along the line of: „I am so sorry. I know I was pretty mean to you sometimes“.

I had not expected his apology at all. I had not been waiting for an apology, frankly: I had not even thought that I deserved an apology from him. It came as a total surprise to me. And the fact that he gave me that apology was absolutely mind blowing. It meant so much to me. It helped me to regain trust in my gut feeling re men. It helped me to belive again that people  are actually good. It helped me to be more lenient with myself. It helped me to find some value in myself again.

We parted amicably. I think he was a bit confused about the intensity and the depth oft he thing we were having. For me though, meeting him was a gift from the universe. I had wanted to make it all about him. I had wanted to help him in his situation. And in the end I think it was all about me. I ended up as the one receiving  a wonderful gift from him and through him.

heart, mind and ass ;-)

Very strange days here. Three men who were really important to me ended all contact with me within a very short range of time. I am playing the same plot over and over in my life.

The plot goes like this: Find a man, open him up, make sure that he is as awesome as he seems to be, open yourself up to him, trust that he is strong enough and willing to catch you if you fall, show him your weaknesses, let him know that you think he is awesome and that you want more. Accept that he is leaving you. Grrrrrrrr....

1. You know the endless "former- boyfriend- saga". No need to go into it again. But the gist of it is: he had given me his heart but he ended the relationship without giving me a chance to have any say in it.

2. I did not blog about it, but there was a guy who I had contact with on and off for a very long time.  I considered him to be a real friend. He wanted to meet me to do some kinky things to him.

I never met him, because I had a boyfriend. Now, with the boyfriend gone, the time seemed right for me to finally meet him. And : no reply from him whatsoever. He had opened up to me in many many ways, but he ended the friendship without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

3. The new kid on the blog: A wonderful guy. Sensitive, smart, warm...all good. We were in really close contact in the last weeks. And two days ago, he ended our contact. When I tried to add something, to explain something, he literally said: "it is enough now. maybe later more".

So, the new kid as well, he had opened up to me in huge ways, but he ended our contact without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

Oh and btw. I am pretty sure that neither of the 3 is reading this blog anymore. They literally live on different continents, all of them, but - judging from their behavior- I guess they all had enough "Tina" for the rest of their lives ;-)

The men end it and all I can do is to just suck it up and accept it.

And I am forced to learn the same lesson over and over again: 

give him space to breath!, let him have his peace!, don`t push for it!, don`t overwhelm him!,  learn to let go! 

I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful. 

Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior. 

I obviously need to adjust my vibration a bit. I need to focus much more on what I want and what I am looking for.

So, let me make absolutely clear to you, to the universe and to myself, lol, what I am trying to find:

I want a man who

• WANTS to stay with me. 
• accepts that I want to talk about emotions and feelings endlessly.
• is willing to live in a domestic discipline relationship with me.
• accepts that I can be unbelievably loud and colorful and superficial.
• is open to my never ending creative ideas.
• allows me to love and care for him.
• likes being pampered.
• is willing to submit to my leadership.
• loves me enough to suffer for me when I want him to.
• sees my dominant attitude for what it is: one facet of my personality only. I have been told I am actually a big softie inside.
• is willing to let me admire him.
• is older, smarter and more experienced in life than I am.
• loves to give and to receive hours long massages.
• is able to deal with receiving countless emails and messages and phone calls from me.
• I can look up to.
• trusts me enough to do what I want him to do even though he probably does not always understand yet what I am up to.
• is willing to let me comfort and caress him endlessly, especially after a spanking.
• wants me to have his heart, mind and ass ;-)

I want a man who is willing to LET me love him. For me, loving is always much easier than being loved.

Gute Nacht! /Good Night!

I have shared quite a lot of the circumstances around my break up with my boyfriend. My wonderful former boyfriend, the man I still love today. The awesome thing with love is: one can love without being loved back. So it is my prerogative to still love him, even though my love is not reciprocated anymore.  

It took me endlessly to understand what was going on in regard to the break-up. And my former partner was no help in my "trying to understand "-process. Over the Christmas holidays though I was able to have some time for myself and some time to emotionally process things.

And something wonderful happened: I found some peace of mind. A guy "showed up", out of the blue, and he - over and over and very patiently- answered all my existing questions in regard to my relationship break up. The name of the guy is: Franz. And this is actually his real name. No alias needed here :-)

The stats of this blog tell that most of my readers are from the US. So most of you won`t be really familiar with old german/austrian music. So, let me introduce you to one of the great austrian composers: Franz Schubert (1797 -1828) :-)

Schubert wrote wonderful music. He is famous for piano accompanied songs and one piece of music that has been of tremendous help for me and my heart is called: "Good Night". It is the first song of "Winterreise" / winter journey. And winter journey is the most famous romantic song cycle ever written. 

Ian Bostridge, a world class singer, has just published a full book on winter journey. And if you are in a position to spend a few bucks, I highly recommend buying that book. 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Schuberts-Winter-Journey-Anatomy-Obsession/dp/0571282806  

Bostridge points out in his book that in Winterreise:

 “We are drawn in by an obsessively confessional soul, apparently an emotional exhibitionist who won’t give us the facts; but this allows us to supply the facts of our own lives, and make him our mirror.” 

Here is a video of the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9OysEmbDfE

And here is the text:
I came a stranger, Fremd bin ich eingezogen,
I depart a stranger. Fremd zieh' ich wieder aus. Mai was good to me Der Mai war mir gewogen With many a bunch of flowers. Mit manchem Blumenstrauß. The girl, she talked of love, Das Mädchen sprach von Liebe, The mother even of marriage, - Die Mutter gar von Eh', - Now, the world is so gloomy, Nun ist die Welt so trübe, The path covered in snow. Der Weg gehüllt in Schnee.
I cannot chose the time Ich kann zu meiner Reisen
of my journey, Nicht wählen mit der Zeit, I must find my own way Muß selbst den Weg mir weisen In this darkness. In dieser Dunkelheit. The moon casts a shadow – Es zieht ein Mondenschatten My only travel companion, Als mein Gefährte mit, And on the white meadows Und auf den weißen Matten I look for tracks of deer Such' ich des Wildes Tritt.


Why should I hang around any longer Was soll ich länger weilen, waiting for someone to throw me out? Daß man mich trieb hinaus ? Let stray dogs howl Laß irre Hunde heulen In front of their master’s house; Vor ihres Herren Haus; Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern - God made it that way! Gott hat sie so gemacht. From one to the other -  Von einem zu dem andern -
God made it that way. Gott hat sie so gemacht -
Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern  Good night, then, my love! Fein Liebchen, gute Nacht !
I will not disrupt your dream, Will dich im Traum nicht stören, It would only trouble your tranquility, Wär schad' um deine Ruh'. You shall not hear my step, Sollst meinen Tritt nicht hören - Softly, softly the door closes. Sacht, sacht die Türe zu ! I write on the gate as I go by: Schreib im Vorübergehen Good night. Ans Tor dir: Gute Nacht, So that you may know Damit du mögest sehen, I have thought of you. An dich hab' ich gedacht.

I listened to "good night" for about 372 times in the last weeks :-) And the more I listened the more I realized: All is well.

I guess you guys remember vividly how urgently I wanted my boyfriend to send me a "good bye"-email. I whined on my blog about him not doing it for MONTHS.

The song "Gute Nacht" made me realize that I actually do have a right to ask for such a note. Schubert understood this. Even the guy in the song left a short note :-) And when my boyfriend contacted me again a while back, I took that email for what it was: a note to say: "I have thought of you. " This made me feel much better.

I understood: He just had to go. He is trying to find his own way.

I apologize to all of you who read so far and are still waiting for some domestic discipline content :-)

I promise, my next post will have kink in it :-)