same old same old

I am in a very strange spot emotionally.

I am emotionally tired and unhappy, but at the same time I dont know what to change or where to go from here.

I dont want to go back to Germany, I realized that my place is not in Germany anymore. I might go back in a few years, but going back now would not help at all.

For years I wanted to live where my ex boyfriend lived. But I have finally understood that this was a dream that did not come to fruition.

I am not happy with many aspects of my life at the moment. But I dont know where to go and what else to do. So I am staying. 

It feels like I dont have any energy left for new dreams. 

I think the smartest thing I can do is to focus on the bar exam and somehow pass this damn thing. 

 I feel like Richard Gere in this movie clip. 

I am 3 weeks away from flying to California and writing the bar exam again. I booked the flight, but no hotel and no car yet. Once again, as so often over the last 20 years, I dont have any money. It all seems so pointless. 

I feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself for having so stupid money blocks and beliefs around money. I have worked hard on it in the last 10 years or so. And I spent months last year getting my money mindset in order.

 But here I am again, improvising and struggling. And I hate it. I hate myself for being in this place. I should be able to just go and rent a beautiful hotel room and get a nice rental car for 5 frigging nights to have a safe spot where I can stay while writing the exam. No big deal, one would think. But hey, we are talking about me and my life. Everything is complicated in my life when it comes to money. 

I am thinking about options of sleeping in the smallest/cheapest rental car in California in order to safe money and get to the convention center where the bar exam is written on time. I am exhausted and scared already and I got 3 more weeks of studying and problem solving ahead of me.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening/reading.

Sad but true. The end of my kinky life

I have always been open here on my blog. And the following post follows that tradition. 

It is not easy to share it with you , but I think it is an important development in my life and in my journey into kink.

Here is the gist of it:

Before I opened the blog, I did not have a sexual relationship or a kinky encounter with any man.

I was a virgin, both sexually and as far as the kink goes.

The first years are well documented here on my blog.

Then I fell in love with a man who seemed to like the kink. We had good times and we decided to marry. I played with open cards right from the beginning. Everything was on my blog. I didnt hide my sexual preferences.

The  vanilla aspects of our marriage are good. People are telling us we are a great couple.

In the marriage he let me know verbally and through actions that he is not interested in doing kinky stuff with me any longer.   

He still likes the kink, but not doing anything with me.  

Well, the question I was facing was: "what now?"

I tried for a while to make him change his mind, but I did not succeed. And me begging him to please let me dominate him is pretty much the least erotic scenario for me.

He made clear that he isnt interested in any kinky activity with me (anymore).

A couple of weeks ago I made one last effort, I dressed up nicely, looked at him with mischief and told him: "Get dressed, let's get a room for a few hours." He stayed on the couch saying: "I am not coming."

So now I am living with a husband who I love and who (allegedly) loves me, but who doesnt give a shit about my sexual desires.

I was never interested in having  a boyfriend on the side, or a slave  or somebody who  enjoys being bossed around just for the fun of it. 

And I dont even see a way for me to get my sexual needs met. My husband is not into me/the things I am offering sexually. And me, I dont want a 3rd person involved. It just sucks.

I did the coaching thing recently, it was fun for a while, but one of the guys was not happy with it/me, (I think), and it triggered me badly. So I stopped that.

I dont have any hope anymore to ever get my kink needs fulfilled. 

The two men I love or loved stopped doing it with me and I lost all my hope.

All I am doing is masturbating to porn.  My life as a dominant woman has ended .  

Oh and it is the pandemic, I still havent found a job in the US, and am feeling alone in a foreign country.... but that is a different story.                           

Bar exam news

 Here is the promised update regarding the bar exam.

I am gonna take the exam in February again. It will be held in person, not remotely anymore.

It is gonna be quite an undertaking to fly to California and write the exam under covid restriction rules and with masks on. I am not looking forward to it. But hey, it is what it is, I brought this on myself. It would have been so much easier if I had passed the exam in July.

Some of you have offered to support me, and it is much appreciated. 

There is one thing I really need right now and I am throwing it out there to you, thinking/hoping that  it will resonate with one of you.

If you feel like you want to make a positive difference in my life, it would be awesome if you could get me an adapti bar access. I would not ask for it if I did not think it would really help me.

https://www.adaptibar.com/

The lawyers among you know what it is. And for all the non lawyers, it is a collection of about 2000 relevant bar exam questions. Ideally, in February, I will know the answers to all these questions. The adapti bar access till February costs 395 Dollar.

I was hoping to be able to just buy it myself, but things did not work out as I had hoped. So, if you feel like supporting me is something that you are considering doing, now is really THE perfect time to do it. 

Thanks to all of you who are rooting for me and following me on my journey.

Let's make December the best month of this year

 It is December already. It's hard to believe for me. The year went by sooo quickly. 

A little while ago I offered my "strong woman accountability coaching". The right people found me and the result was even better than I expected. It is one of the most fun, personal, productive and fulfilling things I have done in quite some time. 

It is a real win-win situation. I get the opportunity of doing what I am best at, namely being helpful, supportive, caring but also dominant and in control. And the guys get someone who is looking out for them, who wants them to succeed in whatever  goal they want to reach, but someone who is also demanding, strict and who holds them accountable. 

I am one of the most understanding persons you will ever meet, I can empathize with pretty much everybody, but if I think it is for your own best, I can also be unexpected stern and unwavering. 

I wish you could just ask the guy who has to do a certain amount of steps a day for me. He has to get them in even on a day where he sat in a plane for hours and arrived at a location where it was already cold and snowing. You bet he wanted to relax with a nice beer in his hand on the couch and just unwind when he arrived home. But instead he had to go out and make sure he got the steps in for me. Do I need to tell you that he couldn't have the beer either? He is older than me, but he needs my permission if he wants to drink alcohol. He might get it or not. It is not up to him anymore. 

I know, you want to know more about what I am doing in my coaching. But there is no one size fits all template for my coaching. Basically what I am doing is: I am listening to the man and we are deciding together what he is looking for, what he needs, what is the best for him and how to reach that goal. I am taking control in that aspect of the man's life. 

It is a matter of honor and trust. I obviously would not know if he does something I didnt allow him to do.  But I can report that so far my experience has been more than wonderful. If I accept somebody under my coaching care, we both understand what we are signing up to. The men in my life are not interested in playing childish games, and neither am I.

Generally speaking: The guys and I created an environment where losing weight, and /or working out more and /or drinking less alcohol and/or  meditating more and /or being more productive and/or practicing better self care is easier than ever.

It made me realized again that having an accountability coach/friend/domme is super helpful in finally getting the courage  and  strength to tackle the challenges you always wanted to tackle. 

And for me it is a real pleasure to see somebody blossom under my care.

I know a few of you are thinking: "But Tina, the $599 is a lot of money for 4 weeks coaching." I do understand where you are coming from. But I also know what I am bringing to the table. I am well aware that what I am offering is not for everybody. And that's ok. My blog will still be here for everybody and I will continue posting stuff for free. 

With the beginning of December I have one spot available again. If you think my accountability coaching is the push in the right direction that you have been waiting for, just send me an email.

Bar Exam

Just received the info. 

So sad. 

 Dear "Tina Engelmann", 

The Committee of Bar Examiners regrets to inform you that you were unsuccessful on the July 2021 California Bar Examination.

private F/M accountability coaching

 I have been playing a lot with "line writing" in the last months. The "endless punishment lines" that I offered a few weeks ago were just one aspect of it.  

Btw, if you wondered how it went: There were mixed result, to be honest. It was to be expected because of the open format that I had chosen. And I was pretty overwhelmed with the amount of men who contacted me and wanted to write lines for me. Which is also due to me having had it open for everybody.

 Anyway, as I said,  sometimes it worked out perfectly for the guy and for me, and we both had a great experience and I received some wonderful lines. But sometimes our timing was just off and it is fair to say that the lines sometimes didn' t meet the man's or my expectation. I learned that it is necessary to do a thorough pre-screening with the men, in order to actually make it a great experience for both of us.

It showed once again that "writing lines" is never actually about writing lines. It is about dominance and submission, about needs, and feeling understood and cared for, and about a specific feeling in the belly that words can hardly describe but that everybody who once experienced it immediately recognizes.

I like words and I like writing. I am doing a 12 weeks program right now in which I am writing 3 pages everyday in the morning. I am in week 5 now and it is super beneficial for me. Writing can be a great tool to unclutter the mind, to get a better picture of one's own feelings and to come up with creative solutions to a problem.

Over on fetlife I am in a couple of groups where F/M "line writing enthusiasts" gather. I enjoy reading about other peoples experiences and about their journeys. 

There is one aspect though that sort of "destroys" the whole line writing experience for me. And that is when a man uses the lines to get the "wonderful feeling in the belly" that I mentioned above ( and it might not only be a good feeling in his belly, but also in his cock, lol) but when the man at the same time uses the lines as a means to avoid real life responsibilities. 

In my understanding, making a man write lines is one way in a female led relationship to convey a clear message, to set a boundary, to tell the man: "stop. Whatever you are doing ends here and now." It is a means to let the man know: "you overstepped a line. I am not ok with what you did and I wont have any of it anymore."

It is a somewhat harmless, but efficient means to help him change his course and to tell him: "I want you to think about what you have done." 

When my ex boyfriend actually sent me the 200 lines of "Tina doesn't like to be kept waiting", it was one of the greatest feelings in the world for me. And when he said bashfully to me one day "Look, this is the table where I wrote the lines for you" my love for him got stronger and stronger. 

Over the years though I have encountered quite a few men though who use the lines like candy. They use it for the quick high and they get hooked on the nice submissive feeling that being made to write lines can evoke. And in order to get more and more of that submissive feeling, they write more and more lines. But there is no nutritious message in the lines they write. The lines become a way to NOT deal with real life. The lines help them to stay stuck in their life. 

And for me, with such line writing "lovers", there comes a point where the line writing looses its appeal. 

I see my calling in life in helping other people to grow. I am a natural helper and healer. I find it wonderful to see a person blossom right in front of me. I find it very hard to watch somebody being stuck in a situation and seeing him not willing to change.

My intellectual brain understands that you cannot force anybody into growing. But my female dominant side thinks it is super off turning. I want to see the man let his light shine. I want the man to succeed. And I am enjoying his success as if it was mine.

(There are so many wonderful men among my readers, ... I wish I could tell you more about them. Pediatricians, lawyers, scientists, artists, doctors, pastors, carpenters, bodyguards, ,... the list is huge. And I am thinking at all of you with deep gratitude. You have made my life so much better and so much more meaningful.)

I get pleasure out of helping people to reach the next step in their life. I have had many wonderful and submissive men in my life. And helping them to move forward in life has always been the icing on the cake for my motherly disciplinarian soul.

Therefore, if I can sense that a man is getting too much pleasure out of writing lines, he can be sure that he will not write a single word for me in the foreseeable future. Instead I will come up with more fitting and unpleasant ways to bring my points across to him.

I remember one guy I had under my wings for a while. A successful businessman and political advisor in the US. He was very much into working out and going to the gym daily. When I really wanted to make an impact, I bared him from working out. Let me just say: He hated it and his behavior improved very quickly. ;-)

I am at a point in my life now where I want to have an impact on the people around me again, especially on you guys from my blog, who have been with me for over a decade now.

So now, let/s get serious here. I know that some of you are stuck in their position  for way too long. Change is long overdue. It is only 2 more months until  the new year begins. 

I am asking you:

How long do you want to wait to get in better physical shape? 

How long do you want to wait to finally reduce your alcohol intake?

How long do you want to wait to start a healthier dietary regime?

When are you finally going to publish the book that you have started but not finished yet?

When are you starting the daily meditation that you have been wanting to do for years?

When are you ready to tackle the challenges that you have been avoiding so long?

Life can be overwhelming. Panic, anxiety and procrastination can make difficult situations even more challenging. For so many of you it is unbelievably hard to ask for help, and instead of acting and creating, you start to react only. That is so sad. And I have always seen my role here on the blog as well as in life as somebody who offers a safe haven, where your feelings are ok and where it is ok to show vulnerability.

Whatever you are struggling with, I am here to help you. Taking control of your problem feels overwhelming and you really just want someone else to take care of it for you?  I hear you, my friend, I hear you.

There is no time to waste anymore. It is time for accountability. And I am here to be your accountability coach. I will teach you that you got what it takes to deal with the challenges you are facing or the problem you are stuck with for so long already.

Sometimes it takes courage to deal with the challenging "stuff" in your life. I will guide you through it. A new pair of fresh eyes who look at your situation can help you to see things differently. I am on your side. I will help you to find solutions that you could not come up with earlier. 

We set a goal together and a time when you are expected to reach that goal. You will be accountable to me for the next 4 weeks. During that time we will be in regular contact and I expect to be updated  constantly. At the beginning of our time working together, a personal action plan will be prepared with you that is comprehensive and easy to follow. 

I will be giving you a lot of energy, care, advise and discipline. The details will be discussed in the beginning of our arrangement, It is a very individualistic process. It will be tailored to your needs. 

I will motherly guide you through the challenges you are facing, will give you the emotional support you are looking for,  and I will be the disciplinarian you need in order to reach your goal. Yes, there will be punishment. If I can sense that you need it, I wont shy away from punishing you. And you wont like the punishments. They wont interfere with your real life obligations, but they will make sure that you know you are being under my control and that you are being punished. 

I am offering only 2 spots. Frankly because I cant take on more clients at the same time. I will be very much focused on you and  I do a lot of my work through "feeling myself into your situation", I just dont have the mental /emotional capacity for more than 2 clients at the same time.

To get one of the 2 spots send me an email ( diestarkefrau(at)yahoo.com) indicating that you are interested.

Please note: 

Pricing per spot for 4 weeks is: $599 USD

 

videos that turn me on

 I have been asked: 

"What activities, punishments, expectations drive your libido in its most erotic sense? Would you share it on your blog with us?"

Sounds like you had enough of me diving deep into my soul, lol. Ok, I hear you. Let's talk about something more fun. Here are a couple of videos that turn me on. I know that some of them are not exactly "mainstream", but hey, what can I say, they work for me.

Physical exercise with german domme

The fun thing is:  when I was a kid, we actually had a carpet like this and I remember exactly how one needed to use a certain sort of comb to  make the carpet look nice,

Here is another video that works for me. It is pretty much the same kind of scene as in the video above, but in English.

Physical exercise with strict domme

Here is another one that I like. I dont care much about dressing a guy in a dress, or sissification, but I do like the power exchange part. 

Obedience training F/M

I have always liked tickle torture. I had one boyfriend, who let me do it with him. That was a lot of fun ;-) I like the following sorts of scenes: 

Tickle torture F/M

The following video has a great dynamic, imho. It's short, but sweet. The husband wants the wife to unlock the cage:

Do you want me to unlock it?

Loving cople with husband in punishment cage:

Husband in punishment cage

This couple has been doing great videos . I wish they would still produce more. All of their videos were just amazing. Totally what I like.

F/M Loving couple. switchingg

I gotta go. TTYL

fair/ unfair punishments and trauma

 I read the following statement on fetlife a few days ago, and it gave me a lot of food for thought:

I realise it's not for everyone, but sometimes I like receiving punishments which are not "fair" - perhaps dished out on a whim, or because the disciplinarian is a bad mood, or just because they can. I find it appealing that I can be interrupted from a perfectly innocent activity: spanked at any moment; if I'm watching TV, I might suddenly be blindfolded; if I'm chatting with other littles, I might suddenly have a dummy shoved in my mouth so I then have to stay silent. If punishment is only the result of being "naughty", this gives me too much control as the little.

I pondered these words a lot. And I realized how closely linked it is to what I am doing constantly in my life.

I understand now: I am constantly afraid to be punished unfairly. I am constantly on edge. I am constantly trying to please the people in my life, in order to prevent them from unfairly scolding me/yelling at me/ criticising me and punishing me.

I have been exposed to unfair / unpredictable treatment and adult behavior from a very early age on.

And now I am always trying to guess or learn or feel what another person is doing/feeling/intending to do, in order to keep myself out of harms way. 

I am scared shitless of doing the 'wrong " thing. I am scared of making a mistake. I am scared of causing problems or -God help me-, even causing troubles.

The older I get, the more I understand how much I have been traumatized when I was young. I always knew that there is a lot going on in my family of origin, and I always understood that I was a parentified child, taking care of the needs of the adults, but it took me years to grasp how deeply I was effected by the drama around me.

When I entered my first sexual relationship, I had this constant fear that I might do something that pisses the guy off. It felt like I was walking trough a field of landmines. I was never sure when he would explode. And it was completely unpredictable. I never knew what could trigger him. And this feeling never left me. 

And still today I am constantly in fear. My german shrink has asked me often: "what are you afraid of?" but I could not give her a satisfactory reply. I know my husband loves me. I think basically I am afraid NOT to please my partner, and that as a consequence he might punish me emotionally. 

The more I look into it and into myself, the more I understand how much I am hurting. I stumbled accross a great blog by Dr Arielle Schwartz, a psychologist, in which she writes about the "fawn response". 

And when I read her words , it felt like she is expressing exactly what I am feeling but what I wasnt able to put into words so far. After reading what she wrote, I wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: yes, exactly, that is it! Finally somebody understands what I am going through. Finally somebody puts the unspeakable into words

She says:

 When a child learns to cope by taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that child is relying on a defense structure, termed the “fawn” response which has been widely discussed by Pete Walker in his book on Complex PTSD. The fawn response involves trying to appease or please a person who is both a care provider and a source of threat. Examples of fawning include:

“I hoped that by caring for them they might care for me.”

“I never showed my true feelings for fear of retaliation.”

“I was always walking on eggshells; I never knew when they would explode”

“I had to shapeshift myself depending upon their mood.”

When engaging a fawn response, an individual bypasses their own needs and in some cases, sense of identity, for the sake of attending to the needs of others. In adulthood, an unresolved fawn response might lead to patterns of people pleasing or co-dependence, in which one continues to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of maintaining relationships.

Physiologically, a fawn response involves reading the social and emotional cues of others to attend to and care for their needs. Fawning also involves disconnecting from body sensations, going “numb” and becoming “cut off” from your own needs. 

 Here on this blog, I wrote often how difficult it is for me to feel connected with my own needs and to get my own needs met. And even when I opened the blog, and when I chose the name:" the strong woman", it only shows that already back then I felt like I HAD to be strong. 

In a way I am very relieved now, because I finally know what is going on inside me.

F/M domination

I stumbled accross the following video and it reasonated well with me. I like the dynamic it depicts. It is not brutal, it is mostly mental, and the guy could get up easily. But he stays, because he wants to, because she wants him to.

I always loved the idea of a guy enduring something for me. In my life, I am too quick to take on responsibility and to prevent the other person from actually doing something for me. 

The kink is the only place where I feel safe enough to actually demand from a man to do something for me. In the other aspects of my life I tend to just ask nicely for things, and if the guy declines, I tend to accept it.

Great F/M clip