Sunday, May 16, 2010

letting go

I am home from my lawyers conference with new hopes of one day actually finishing my legal thesis, the insight, that men do think differently than women indeed and the feeling, that once I start to live in a real life domestic discipline relationship, (with the possibility of actually touching the man!,) my life will never be the same.

Among german lawyers, everybody is talking about "synergistic effects". Don`t know why, but it is just a vogue term. For me, being a  lawyer and opening that blog did bring  a lot of theses effects indeed!!! I feel much more confident in the "shark pool" than I ever did before. I am much more aware of what´s going on between my colleagues and between the genders and on a side note, I am getting closer to my personal goal of one day driving a hitherto happily married vanilla couple crazy with my questions about their marriage  :-)

I am gonna share a short real life story with you. And even though I usually do not write about private conversations with other people here in my blog, this is a sole exception, because I think it is just a good example for the overall discussion.

One evening a man told me :  "I can not think of any situation in my life right now, where I could just let go." He was talking about all the responsibility that comes with his job, his partner and his family. And he mentioned  the pressur of always being expected to shoulder that burden alone and with a smile on his face. The most difficult part for him was, that  he can not resort to any means of  taking care of his own needs. He wants for someone to step up in one area of his life and taking the responsibility out of his hands. Idealiter that would be his girlfriend/wife. However, he does not dare to tell her his cravings and domestic discipline wishes.

So I asked him why he did think that his wife would not be able to deal with the truth. His answer was honest  but not at all what I liked to hear...Basically the roles within his relationship are set. His wife is beautiful, the two of them have been together for a long time, sex is ok or even good, and most important, he was not sure if he would be able to accept any punishment from his wife at all. Since I had problems of understanding his point at first, he made a reference to me and my younger brother and asked me, if I would accept any punishment from my younger sibling. I told him that I would not do that. And then he continued by saying that he feels the same way with his wife.

AHHH the longer I think about that remark, the more it drives me crazy. I just do not understand what men find so attractive in having a girlfriend and at the same time not to think of her as an equal partner?  I get it that it is nice if a man cares for his wife and trys to keep her out of harm`s way. That is what I want from my man too. But why does this mean that he can not show her his needs too? And if he wants to let go, why would he hesitate to tell her so? On the other hand , if she is really so "weak" and not able to deal with the truth, why would he stay in the relationship?

And why would a man, who is secretly longing for giving up control, stay with a woman who willingly hands over all control to him? My mom is the queen of letting go. No doubt about that.  If there´s a guy around who pretends (or actually thinks) to know EVERYTHING, she is the happiest woman on earth . I remember her boyfriend telling me explicitely: "I do understand everything of Stephen W. Hawkings writings just by glancing over his books".....I mean , what a stupid thing to say...But she just wants to believe that there is a man who can bring her the heaven on earth. And I know for sure that all the manipulation of the world could not make her to step up and take control over her boyfriend/husband.  

My mom told me the other night: "I do not want to see weakness in a man. I can´t stand a man not being in control". Then she continued by saying: "thats´s probably why I raised the two of  you (my younger sister and me) to be independent and strong". And thats a strange argument on her side, because my brother, who is 27 is still treated like a little prince, you know, handsome, blond hair, actor, did not earn his own money yet...And if she really wanted to have strong men around her, she should have probably focused on making him strong and not  the women of the family...

Ahh I don`t understand  that... Any comments?


  1. Hi Tina:
    Just a short note. My mother in some ways was similar to your's. Unfortunately I followed her example and had a miserable 23 year marriage. When I met aj I tried to repeat but he was so different. He would not get physical with me, nor would he dictate to me: he asks and if I need he performs. He asked me about sex and taught me how wonderfully enjoyable it is. One day he asked me about being in charge: that is sharing responsibility but me having the final say. If I do not like his actions or attitudes I get to spank him.
    Never knowing about this I was scared. On his birthday he bought me a present. As single parents we got rid of our children and he took me to a dominant woman to teach me. After that 2 hour lesson I agreed to his wants and never looked back

  2. There is no doubt that we are slaves of society. We are raised to believe that the male is the dominant gender of the species despite the fact that every other species on earth recognizes the opposite? It is also very clear that there are submissive women at heart just as their are submissive men at heart. I couldn't begin to tackle this question as a whole....I have had enough internal struggles with it as it is. I am content to realize and embrace my own outlook on the topic as it applies to me and me alone. This being the case...I was in a similar position as your friend except I finally realized that there could be no true happiness for me or my ex-wife as long as there were hidden secrets between us...if we both could not be completely open and comfortable with one another in every aspect of our makeup then we would never be truly happy. I left that relationship at much cost but I have a strong hope and confidence that I will eventually find that woman that will see my submission to her authority as the strength that it is and not a weakness...that I would protect her safety and well being with my very life and my submission to her is in noway an indication to the contrary. Great post and glad you are with us and blogging ma'am. :)

  3. > Basically the roles within his relationship are set.

    I think that's the key to his situation. The roles are pre-defined. There is a fixed expectation on the man as a husband.

    It's like the captain on a navy boat. He knows always what to do. He never loses the overview. He must not look for democratic decisions and even asking for advice is almost out of question. He is the best man for the job and he will always find the right way.

    Sounds impossible? Yes, sure - but that does not change anything. By definition he is never wrong and there is no questioning about that.

    In reality he might be full of doubts and a very loneley person surrounded by a very capable 100 man crew but he must never ever show that.

    It's like a law saying that your speed has to stay below 50 mph but you must not go slower than 60 mph. It's illogical, it's impossible but it would be still the law - regardless how stupid it is. Well - you have probably better examples of self-contradicting laws.

    I totally agree with the reasoning in your post but I want to highlight that common sense, logic and rational thinking are sometimes simply unable to make human behaviour understandable.

    Hmm - now I realize that this comment is probably not very helpful.

    Anyway - kind regards


  4. I hope you share more conversations. It was very interesting. Now some comments on your comments:

    You asked why he stays. Well, who knows what goes on in somebody else's marriage. Sometimes, we barely know our own. Maybe he's just comfortable even though his needs aren't being met. Maybe there are children. Maybe the bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

    And people aren't raised to be oms or subs. It's the way they're wired. Many people know they're doms or subs at a very young age. Your mother's upbringing of you probably had very little impact on you wanting to dom a man. A good example is how you and your brother are so different and yet were raised in the same household.

    And now a question. What's the ratio of men to women in th legal profession in Germany? And do the lawyers in the conferences every come on to you?

    Enjoyed your post.


  5. A few thoughts if I may that perhaps will be of some use for you.

    A. I think the majority of women are turned on by dominance, while a minority are turned on by submission or both submission and dominance. Men often feel the pressure because that is how most women expect it to be, probably for evolutionary reasons. Good protector/provider. This doesn't always intersect with someone who is in touch with his feelings or who wants his partner to be in charge, indeed, in the past too much "weakness" could lead to death. Thus submissive men are often in a bind: they have to show enough dominance to attract the womans sexual interest, but there are no cultural scripts to encourage or guide them in bringing up power sharing or female domination to their female partners, and if they do, many women will chastise them or otherwise hurt/dump them.

    2. Perfect power sharing does not seem to work for most people in D/S relationships or marriages. One solution is to establish power dispersion amongst different aspects of the relationship. For instance, one partner could have control over large purchases or investments. The other could have control over day to day management of the household. Obviously there would be consultations but it often comes down to one partner having to make a decision. Logically, duties and responsibilities should be split up by ability or interest.

    These are just ideas. I hope they are of some help.

  6. Oddly, my wife (who is a lot younger than me) sees my ability to submit to her spanking me to the point of tears, as a show of my strength. I think she sees that a man needs to be brave to let go and submit to the woman and his own little boy feelings. She wrote a lovely piece about that in a blog she herself had a few years ago. I would be willing to send it to you if you would like?