Saturday, October 23, 2010

spanking is not really the core of it

I have been wanting to write a post like this for a long time. However, it showed to be a very difficult thing to do. It looks as if it was so difficult because it focuses on the center of my domestic discipline cravings. As well as on the center of who I am and what I am searching for in my life.

As for some background:
In the past, I did not always have responsible adults taking good care of me. From an early age on, I had to be responsible and sound myself. It is not as if my youth would have been terrible, but I got a few very hard hits while growing up. The men in my family were just not able to be there for me as much as I would have loved for them to be there for me. I have not had the feeling of having a powerful, loving and strong man having my six.

I saw a friend today. He is an expert in physiognomy and he told me that the features of my face would radiate something like: "Come to me. Talk to me. Let me give you a hug. Don`t be afraid. Even if the world is a difficult place to be in, I will be there for you."
And sorry, nope, I won`t post a picture of my face. I still have hopes of becoming one of the top lawyers in Germany one day and having my face published in my blog here would definitely not be helpful in reaching that goal... :-)
I do not know if my friend is right about the physiognomy aspect or if it is just balony, but the way he sees me is exactly the way I see myself walking through life. I am usually good in caring and comforting. "People "  and "feelings" are what I am most interested in life. I think due to the fac that I did not have a loving, strong and reliable authority figure in my life, I decided to be such a person for other people. I think I want to give them what I am craving most.

For me, domestic discipline is not all about spankings. Spankings are just one way of enableing me to make my point. They are a good means of showing the partner in uncertain ways that his behaviour is not acceptable, that he needs an attitude adjustment, that he better gets his act together, that I am not pleased. And, as has been stated many times before, spankings are a good way of providing the man with the feeling of being out of control, letting go of all responsibility and getting a clean slate again.

But there is a lot more under the surface. In my opinion, a man who is submitting to a woman for a spanking is devoting himself to the woman similar to a woman devoting herself to the man during sexual intercourse.

A lot has been written about how men feel about getting a spanking. About how effective it can be, about how a spanking can make him "a better man and a better partner". And in my opinion these assessments are all true. However, spankings are not the most relevant aspects in a relationship.

For me, it is much more of creating an atmosphere in which both partners feel safe and loved. An atmosphere  with clear rules and boundaries. An atmosphere in which trust, understanding, respect, belonging and love are prevailing.

I just recently found the following song on youtube, and I am stunned by the way it expresses exactly what I am feeling as far as any relationship with a man is concerned: For all of you familiar with the tv show ncis: this clip is even better. Gibbs is like the archetype of the man I have been looking for. (Hey, come on.., I am a girl after all, let me have my dreams).

I would never actually force my man to anything. Never. I am  too independent in life and too used to live without a partner and too used to solve my problems alone. In a way I am just inviting him to spend his life with me. I am offering my true love but the ultimate decision is his, as hard as it it might be for me to accept his answer.

I read Tom`s blog today and there was one statement who made me understand once more why I am attracted to spankings but not so much to bondage: the man has to stay in position by his own will alone. He could get up and walk away easily, but he chooses by his own will not to do that. And the message he is sending to his lady by doing that is powerful. As a woman, I love the idea that he is enduring something for me. Even though it might hurt him like crazy. And even though he does not enjoy being in that position right now.

Tom writes:  "The fact that he never totally breaks his position and even resumes the more exposing version speaks volumes to the compliance men like myself extend to our dominant women."And a reader adds: "I know for sure how that hurts, and yet he remains in position. The mystery of the submissive man I suppose."

Maybe the reason for the men to stay in position and to accept the spanking is pretty similar to the reasons why I feel attracted to spankings. I assume both for women and men it is not actually about the spanking but about the feeling of having a partner who cares. A partner who is interested in my well-being. A person who loves me enough to teach me right from wrong. A person who is willing to stick with me, even at times when I don`t deserve it.

Spankings seem to be the perfect way of telling the partner these things without actually speaking about it. For men, submitting to corporal discipline to a woman in real life is a BIG deal. It is not something easy to do.  And, as you all know, probably even better than I do :-), spanking a man is not something that comes easily to most women.

It is against all social laws and rules in society for either a man to submit or for a woman to be dominant. The fact that both partner do these things with each other in the relationship is a very strong indication that both man and woman think the reationship-and thus the partner- is special.


  1. Tina:

    What a wonderful post you have made between working on finishing your thesis (ahem...professor speaking here...).

    Something I find very erotic about being spanked by B is when she tells me not to move, or she stops when I am moving or complaining and tells me she will begin again if she sees my legs come up. It helps me concentrate on receiving the gift she is giving me. Also, I think spanking will never be "easy" for B, especially when she sees my derriere after a very sound spanking. She always cringes a little inside but then she reminds herself that this brings us closer together when she does what she has warned me she was going to do.

    The relationship between us and our children is what makes the flr all that much more special because the flr feeds the relationship in such productive ways. Imagine having such an easy and agreed upon way to resolve disagreements and arguments.

    It's a beautiful thing.

  2. I have never read such a well thought-out perspective on why DD works and the emotions in it. Thank you very much for this post. I know I'll be coming back to it to re-read again.

  3. "What a wonderful post you have made between working on finishing your thesis (ahem...professor speaking here...).
    Really,servingB, as soon as I read that, I went in my office and continued working on the thesis.
    So I am glad to report that I did indeed put together some pages of the $%%/&%§ chapter 4. I have been a good student today :-)

    I am always willing to please my professors! However, this is part of the problem with my law prof and me. Because he thinks I am NOT willing to please him, while I have the feeling of : "whatever I do, I CAN NOT please him".

    Boonie-jo: Thank you very much for your very friendly comment!

  4. An interesting and thoughtful post. I am willing to submit to my spouse because I believe it will help me to be a better partner to her. She is willing, though hesitant, to do this to me because we have such a strong relationship already, but feels that this might make it stronger. It takes a lot of trust on both sides. It is something we still struggle with, mostly because she is afraid of causing pain and because she knows she's hurting one she loves. Yet, she's open to it and knows I need it sometimes.
    I hadn't visited your blog in the past, but will be sure to do so regularly. I enjoy your writing.

  5. Guten Abend Frau Tina,
    I am quite content with your imago, in thougts you write. And grateful for your sharing.

  6. I agree 100%
    All I would add is that spanking is not the best way to train or get obedience from a man. Even though it hurts like crazy at the time and he will agree to anything to make it stop, once it has the deterrent factor is hugely reduced – if only because a man that needs spanking, needs spanking, and will act up if not getting it. There are better ways to make men behave/improve/try, etc. However what spanking does do, as you have said so well, is provide perhaps the best way to give your man something that allows him to let go and surrender voluntarily (by virtue of his staying in place) to the cleansing fire of his partner’s love and caring. Spanking is more about connection, love and trust than punishment. Standing next to your woman with a glowing red bottom beneath your trousers has much more to do with feeling wanted, loved and cared about, than it has to do with being under her contol. This, to me, is what so many on the FLR/Femdom side of things, as opposed to the DD side of things, don't understand. It's about relationship, not control.

    Thanks for a truly great post!

  7. I think that you are a very wise woman with an exceptional viewpoint concerning DD. I very much agree with Scally!!("It's about relationship, not control.") I would understand a submissive man, (even though I'm NOT)willing to "respect" your leadership in a loving commitment. I regard you as being "dominant," but not "domineering:" that would make all the difference in the world to me. The characteristics of being abusive, stern, demeaning, and "hateful" as I have seen manifested by a number of American blogs and videos are despicable.

    More power to you. You seem like a "ideal" leader!!

  8. Well written and well thought out.

  9. Hello, Tina..

    What a shame You live in Germany, because I would sincerely love to meet You and experience Your world.

    I live in London..

    Terry Mc

  10. Keep the comments coming in. They are helping a lot in brightening my day! :-)

    Is there anything you want me to write about? Any questions?

  11. What an interesting post Tina. I couldn't agree more that it's not so much about the punishment itself, it's about maintaining an atmosphere of respect and trust in the household. But the act of punishment does have a cleansing effect - as well as strenght our commitment to each other.

    I read Tom's post on Ma'am Yes Ma'am too and was impressed by the way the man maintains his position. I only wish I was as brave!

  12. I enjoy spanking my sub, just love to see the way he quivers and shakes. I thought it was just about the pleasure I was getting but reading this post makes me think that it is vital in linking us closely together.