Thursday, October 7, 2010

bad boy or good guy?

What do women who want DD really enjoy/want: A man who needs disciplining because he is wayward, or an obedient husband who does not?
Scally did ask me that question and I have to admit, I had never thought about it before. And - as always with personal questions within a domestic discipline context- there is not an easy answer. But I will try my best to share my feelings with you.

To be quite frankly, I am not interested in bad boys. I never fell for these kind of men. I might represent them in court, fight for them in private or business life and stand up for them, even in front of my friends and even when others might not do that... But in my private life, I need a tranquility which these men would not provide.

One man, an old friend from school, courted me a couple of years ago. He was really nice to me. But: He was also intending to become a member of (He did not follow through with his plans, he is not and has never been part of that club. ) And even though he is somehow still in my life today, as a friend only, there was no way for me to get involved with him. Even though I had been pretty sad at the time, because I had no boyfriend and I felt really lonely, I never even considered changing his status from "friend" to anything more. Because he was just not what I have been looking for.

I am far more attracted by the good guys. Smart men, reliable men, men who make me laugh, men who are not afraid of entering an exclusive relationship with a woman. I am attracted by men who calm me down when I am afraid. I do not need a man in order to have more action in my life. I am very able of creating enough adventures and challenges in my life myself. So I do not want to worry about my man as far as him making something REALLY stupid goes. I need to have the certainty, that come hell or high waters, the man I am having a relationship with is a good, loving, trustworthy, caring and thoughtful man.  

Generally speaking:  On my search for my man, I have been looking for the whole deal. If I had written a wish list, I might have marked down something like:

I want a  man...
  • who is taking good care of me.
  • who is smarter than I am. 
  • who shares my values.
  • who has got a good emotional intelligence.
  • who has similar belives as I have.
  • who is able to give me room to grow myself.
  • who is honest, reliable and trustworthy. 
  • who does not believe in violence but in talk.
  • who is worthy of my overflowing love.

So, again, I am definitely interested in the good guys. All my following explanations are made in relation to the "good" men.

In order to fulfill all these requirements, "the " man has to be decent, respectable and fair. Any "bad boy" would just not match my profile. Having said that, this does not mean that I have been looking for Mr. Perfect. Nobody is perfect. We are allowed to make mistakes in life. And we all make mistakes.That`s ok. That is just the way it is and we better accept it.  So there will always be enough real reasons for a dominant woman to punish a submissive man.

I am not expecting a man to be my slave. I don`t expect him to be observant and obedient all the time. I am not willing and not able to be in dominant mood 24/7 either. For me it is imortant to have a partner who is on a par with me. So there will definitely be times when I give the man some slack. For me, the knowledge that he is generally willing to submit to my authority, and the knowledge that I could make him do or not do something right away, carries a lot of meaning. I do not aways need to actually follow through with it. This does not mean I would make empty threats. I am quite sure I don `t do that. It only means that it gives me the chance to watch a certain situation or a certain behavior of his with a freeing calmness. Because I do know all the time that if things get worse I can just intervene and stop it. However, once I made a decision to actually intervene, I am expecting the man to be obedient and to stop it.

I once scolded a man. I do not even remember why, it can not have been for something too serious. Anyway, I think I said something like: "I should punish you right away". And suddenly, for me fully unexpected, he asked me: "Can I please get a warning only?"  I got to tell you, for a moment I had been pretty much speechless. Because the way he had been asking me was so pure, so inocent, so undiluted... He had basically signaled me: "I know I have been wrong. I will accept whatever you are deciding. I recognise your authority. You are the one in charge...."  I can tell you, his demeanor went right in my heart and in my soul. And yes, I only gave him a warning at that time ...

I am not obsessed with disciplining a man. I am not hesitating to do it, but I do not actually "need" it to feel good. Even though I got to say, the dd concept and the possibilities it does bring for the woman do feel right for me. And I doubt that I could have such a deep and meaningfull relationship with any man who is not into domestic discipline. Personally, for me, the fact that a man is submitting to my authority, even on a corporal level, is the utimate proof that he is trusting me, caring about me and wanting to make things good with me. It shows that he is valueing my opinion, that he is respecting me and that he belives in my ability of taking good care of him.

For me, the element of discipline in a relationship is a lot about helping and guiding. If he is doing fine, why should I intervene and discipline him? I would not make up an excuse for administering any discipline. I have never done that. Either he screws up and gets a real punishment or he is behaving and gets a reward.

If his attitude is good, there is no doubt that I will do my best to make sure that he is getting whatever he might crave. My main goal is to have a happy relationship. So if he wants some playful bdsm games, that `s ok for me. I think I am pretty open about what I want from him too.

As I said, if I should feel that a punishment is in order, I might just administer it.
What I don`t want to have, I think, is bratting. I don`t want to be manipulated into giving a spanking or handing out punishments. I expect a man to let me know if he is having some needs that I, for some reasons, am not recognising. He needs or wants a spanking? He better just tell me...I do not want to guess all the time what`s going on within his mind. I know, this is a pretty difficult thing to do. Bratting seems to be the easier way for a man to get a spanking in order to relax. But this is not what makes me happy. I want a relationship were the partners are not afraid of talking about what they want or crave.

Hey, and don`t say: "ahhh, thats a too difficult demand" ... In my whole blog I have not once claimed not to have high expectations as far as any man in my life is concerned.


  1. Guten Morgen Frau Tina,

    ich moechte nicht laenger saeumen, Ihnen zu Ihrem Fund, Ihrem Mann zu gratulieren. And I do like to thank you for your latest post. There are many houses and pigeon holes in human society. We do not like all the things that others do, but we do judge sparingly. Your expectations are mine and I fully agree to your opinion about LOVE. There ist sometimes a craving for feet, for boots or tangible submission, for some pain. But for anything more than an adventure it needs love between man and woman. You do not list saratoga in the blogs you read. He ist quite extreme. But he consistently asks for love, at the least for caring empathy between partners. He actually warns to submit to women without care ore love for the man.
    So I am happy for you to have found a partner who meets your expectations and it is something like a dream for him. I do not know you, nor your face. But I do like your thougths. My best wishes for your next trip to the states. sincerely Michael

  2. Your words, as always, are very wise. I was going to add a comment in response to the last paragraph about the man being open and honest and saying when he needed a spanking (rather than trying to brat his way into getting one) but it turned into a post of my own, so I will just invite you to go to my page and read it there (it’s called Good men or Bad? - FLR or DD?).

  3. That was a very good post outlining your wants and needs. May you find much happiness.


  4. @Michael: love or at least caring empathy is a necessity. I agree. My man is a man who is without a doubt worthy of my affection.
    My face? I still have hopes of becoming a top-lawyer one day... and my face in an internet blog about dd would not really help in achieving that goal :-) Sorry.

    @Scally: thanks for your comments. I always enjoy them. Did of course read your "Good men or bad" post.

    @FD: Glad you liked my post! I did find much happiness, the task at hand is to keep it...

  5. Hello Tina,

    although i am very communicative and in loving dd relationsship sometimes i used to be bratty in order to get a craved punishment. It is sometimes very difficult for a submissive who also is a masochist to just ask for the craved corporal discipline. This is very close in my thougts to ^ topping from the bottom ^^. As my Lady
    did not like my bratty mood we found following solution. Whenever i feel the very need i am telling her and if she then likes to proceed we organise something like a session. I have to pay 50,-- Euro for this session and with the money we will have short holidays and or first class dinners.

    btw. i just found your blog..i enjoy it. I am a german living in greece tohether with my Lady who relocated from Switzerland.

  6. Good morning Tina,

    Your description of yourself and your likes is very much like those of my lovely lady. We have been praticing a very mild dd relationship for the past 3 months and I admit I have never been happier.