I wish I had better news, but I dont have any success story to report. Almost 6 years of blogging and I seem to end up sad and alone.
The cruel thing is: I cant blame anybody. The only person responsible for my life is me. And it looks like I blew it.
I literally received emails from about 100 men who were interested in me. But for one or the other reason it did not work out with any of them and I am alone now in the cold and dark wintertime in Germany.
There were a few guys who were super interested in me, but I did not feel the special chemistry with them. So I declined what they were offering me and I am sure I hurt a few hearts in doing it.
The truth is, there is only one man I love. The man I used to call "my ex" here on my blog. My feelings for him are so deep and so profound, even if he will never talk to me again, I will forever care about him. (I just called him, and he rejected my call...)
The story I had with him was so fulfilling and so wonderful on so many levels, it is very hard for me to get over it. I know that he was not playing with me. I know that he let me see his soul. I know he gave me all he had. That is why it is so difficult for me to let go of him now. My brain says one thing and my heart says another thing.
I saw the man recently and when I saw him I knew immediately: Nothing has changed. My feelings for him are still there. I still think he is the greatest. Every day I am waiting for an email from him, and when that email does not come, I am disappointed and angry with myself. I scold myself mentally for being such a fool, for waiting for an email or a phone call that does not come.
An unpleasant side effect of my sadness is that I dont even care to masturbate anymore. Masturbating feels like a stupid , pathetic thing to do. It´s like I think: "Universe, if I can`t have him, I might as well stop this whole sex thing at all". Plus: I tend to masturbate to Fm scenarios, and at the moment I dont feel very dominant at all. I feel like a rejected little girl that is craving so much for a teachers attention , but who is not getting it. I am not in the right frame of mind for any domme things. The strange situation with my ex has triggered in me old wounds of low self-esteem and self-worth.
Btw. did you ever realize that in the online bdsm clips the men are usually forced to "endure"orgasm denial whereas the women are "forced" to orgasm? In my current situation I think being forced to orgasm might exactly be what might help me. It could release a lot of frustration and tension. And the frigging thing is: the only guy who I would ever trust enough to let him do this to me is my ex. I love him so much because the balance between us was right. It was awesome for me to dominate him and at the same time I could always look up to him. What we had was a domestic discipline relationship at its finest. I will for the rest of my life cherish every second I had with him.