How everything started!

Just a couple of thoughts and please keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive summary!

I have been asked many times by different readers "how everything started". Somewhere in an earlier post I mentioned being into "it" since the age of 13. Well, there is not really a single event that triggered it. And 13 is just a rough specification.

I have always been a very good girl, well behaved, did not make problems, did get along very well with teachers at school and adults. Outgoing, friendly and caring towards others. Smaller kids and senior citizens loved me ;-), they still do... Never did drugs, never smoked, was drunk for alcohol only once or twice. And since a very young age I took care of more psychological problems from other people than probably any paid shrink in the NY city area. And I know I did a good job, I still am pretty successful in that department. It is just something that does come easy to me.

However, looking back at the past, I realise that I only lived a part of my personality. I very seldom threw temper tantrums, I did not behave aggressive in any way and did not pay attention to my needs with the same accuracy that I did offer other peoples needs.

No one in my family believes in corporal discipline, so I have never been punished that way. Well, my step dad did give me a slap in the face once, when I was about 15 years old, but that "event" was so out of the ordinary, that I can clearly remember it. In essence: I can not consciously link my dd cravings to any real life event. I just assume, that since any "aggression" (for the lack of a better word) did not play an important part in my real life at all, it became an important part of my fantasy life.

I remember that - around the age of 18 - I went to a sex shop with a male friend quite regularly. We were thinking of becoming owners of the shop one day and had actually started handover negotiations with the guy who run the business... and btw. said friend is a lawyer now too ;-)...well, my point is, at that time I always went to different sections than my friend. While he was all "vanilla" I was only interested in the bdsm stuff. But I never spoke with my friend about it, I always felt kind of embarrassed about liking the kinky things.

I am sure I mentioned that many times before, but again: For me, the most interesting aspect is having control over a man. (Hmmmm, that does not sound quite right.... need to think why...). Well, to finish my line of thoughts here: I really do not care that much how that control is being manifested. It can be by the man going down on me and licking me, by me giving him a spanking, or by me teasing him endlessly without giving him permission to come. And in my world there has not to be a sexual element in the punishment to make it appealing to me. I told you, I do like things like early bed times, corner times, writing lines or mails as well. All sounds good, as long as I am the one in control.

Do I need to mention that the whole thing does not work for me, if I am not feeling a deep affection to the man?