things are finally better again

Here I am again. I finally found the time to update my blog again. Over the last month I  have received a lot of emails asking me how I am doing, but I really was not in the right frame of mind to answer. The last months have been challenging for me. But it seems like I finally made it through and life is lighter and friendlier again. I can feel my old optimistic and courageous and fun personality come to surface again and I have moments when I finally feel the zest for life again that I had been feeling  earlier in my life.

I am in bed with Covid right now, but it seems to be only a mild form and it finally gives me the time to update you all  on the new developments in my life.

Quite a few things in my life have absolutely changed to the better.

Marriage:

Most importantly: My marriage is smooth sailing again. I know it is because of me. I changed my thinking and I changed myself and I was able to be vulnerable around him and at the same time I was able to stand up for myself. I think I found a great mix of drawing boundaries while at the same time being open to trusting him and allowing him to care for me. 

The fact that I changed myself changed the whole marriage dynamic. The result is that we have really grown together as a couple. It was a strange time for us, because it was the first time in our 6 years of being together that we were actually alone. Usually we were always surrounded by at least one family member.  And now it was - and is- only us. We both needed time to adjust to the new reality.

Work:

I am working a lot now. And along with the money comes some self esteem again. I finally have friends here in the US now. In the past , literally everybody I knew was linked to my husband. Now I am finally making own friends. (Don't get me wrong, the friends I met through my husband are great too, but now it feels like I have finally arrived in the US). 

I am still the caretaker of a woman who suffers from a chronic disease and I spent a lot of time at her place. I help her to the bathroom and feed her and give her massages and once in a while my skills as a trained mediator come in handy and I do some family mediation for them. 

I am still working as a nanny for 3 lovely kids.  It is like having the kids I never had. 

Furthermore I do some side gigs in all sorts of areas, It feels definitely good to be wanted again. And the whole work situation now finally gives me the feeling of self-efficacy. 

Fetlife:

I recently reached out to a guy on fetlife who was casually looking to get a spanking. But I think I scared him away, lol. He must have read my last blog post and probably thought that I am nuts. So I told myself: "No fetlife activity anymore before I at least update my blog and let people know that I am feeling better again." :-)

The guy really did miss out though, because  I  felt great and just wanted to celebrate my newfound happiness with a no strings attached F/M spanking :-) 

Accountability coaching:

A  dear friend wrote me a while ago: "I wondered if you have thought of doing something like this? I know I would welcome someone to whom I was accountable and who would discipline me"

And he added the following link:

strictjane.com/ 

And my response is: yes, I have thought about it, and I am willing to do it for the right guys. 

I don't want to set up a website, because I know that I can work my magic best with people who found me through my blog. I don't want to attract random guys who see me as their jerk off fantasy. That is why , as always, I hide the "juicy stuff" in the ends of my blog posts. I want to  keep the superficial guys away and reward the good ones :-)

I just had  in fact a wonderful and  very meaningful accountability coaching period with a German gentleman who had hired me to guide him to some much needed structure in his life. It was a great experience and I am super happy that I had the privilege to help him getting his acts together. And yes, it did involve him losing privileges and it was not always easy for him, that I am sure about.

If you feel you are lacking discipline or  need some loving but firm female guidance in your life, feel free to contact me. I am sure we can work something out. I am around for over a decade now. You know by now that I am the real deal and that I am not playing games.  :-) 

Oh, and for the right guys: I am even willing to do skype now. In the past I was reluctant to do that, but now I feel differently. The experience with the German Gentleman taught me how fruitful  a skype coaching can be. If you are on the fence of contacting me: Do it now. No better time than now. I am looking forward to working with you, holding you accountable, punishing you and helping you to reach your goals. I can provide you with a much needed short sharp shock or guide you patiently but firmly through a couple of weeks. Just drop me a line. :-)

It feels good to be back!

dark night of the soul

The last weeks/months have been brutal. I went through very dark moments. I will spare you the details. The gist of it is:

I am still in the US and things have somewhat changed to the better. 

I am working as a caregiver for a woman now and finally have some steady income. I make the enormous amount of $18.22 per hour. I sometimes work 12 hour shifts and we will see how my back reacts to it. I live in one of the most expensive places in the US and I have no idea how I am supposed to make ends meet with that salary. But at this point I take what I can get. I work so much, I just cant work  more.  

The people at my work, and especially the patient, are very appreciative and nice though and for the first time in a very long time I feel seen and appreciated again. I have been told many times that me taking on this  specific caregiver job was the answer of prayers of some of the people involved.  They had been praying for someone like me. 

I know that I am a great care giver. I always was. Still am. And taking care of people comes naturally to me. Uplifting people and helping people through dark times  is something I am very good at.  The challenging part for me is not to lose myself. The high of being needed is very addictive to me. I am very much aware of the fact though that my own energy is not as good/high as it  once was.

I applied for all sorts of legal jobs, but nothing worked out. At one point I was applying for a legal job in the country of Jordan. I just wanted to get away from the situation I was in. But even the job in Jordan did not work out.

Some of you have reached out to me, but I did not respond. I just did not have the energy nor the time. Today is the first day in weeks that I have some time for myself. 

I finally masturbated again today. That is always a good sign for me. It means that my energy is returning. And the videos I am masturbating to are still bdsm/femdom/domestic discipline related. I think my sexual preference will never change. I think the more my real life forces me in a position of being the servant to others ( both in my job as a caregiver and in my side jobs as nanny) the more I crave to have my dominant needs met. I am trying so hard to make my life here in the US work, I am bending backwards for the people I work for, and I am craving to have somebody tell me: "Tina,  I see how hard you are trying. I see how hard you are working. I am proud of you. I believe in you." In my real life  now I have to walk on eggshells constantly. I think that's why I love the kink so much. It allows me to just go for what I want and just take what I so desperately need. I have written about it so often, and I dont want to be repetitive, but basically: A man offering me his submission is the quickest way into my heart and into my pants. A man trusting me with his butt is so powerful because  by letting me do to his butt whatever I want, he is telling me: "I know you got this. I am so sure about it, I trust you with my butt :-)" 

Speaking about butts: After much pondering, I am now finally willing to take the right guy over my knees. No sex, no kissing, just real life maternal style scolding and discipline. If you are interested, drop me a line and we will see if we can arrange something.

Oh, and to the few who have asked: YES, PLEASE send me an amazon gift card if you wanna support me. I am telling you,  the 18.22 an hour that I am making are keeping my chin over water, but i am still very much struggling. 

it all still sucks

 In case you were waiting for better news: I have none. The family member passed away, I still dont have a "real" job and I failed the bar exam again.

I am telling myself: "one day at a time"

Thank you for all your support

 I received many emails and messages regarding my latest post. I can feel the warmth that so many of you are sending my direction. I just wanted to let you know that I received all your emails and that I am very thankful for it. I just could not come up with the energy to reply to each email separately. I am apologizing for that.

I am still amazed what a wonderful source of support you all have become to me. I received words of encouragement from all sorts of readers of my blog. And I feel blessed that I have you on my side on my journey through life.

I was in a really really bad mental place recently. I had constant thoughts of killing myself and ending my misery. I felt so cornered and overwhelmed and tired and depressed. My shrink was so worried about me that she offered over and over again that I could call her anytime. I am thankful that I have her and that she is on my side too. 

One night I had a huge argument with my husband, in which I told him how depressed I am and I also told him about my suicidal thoughts. It is still very difficult for me to admit weakness and to ask for help from a place of weakness. Therefore I had not had shared with him the depth of my sadness before. Thankfully he was very understanding and caring. 

Things are just sometimes overwhelming  for me here in the US. And I am still juggling a bit of two lifes, one in Germany and one in the US. I still have old stuff in Germany that I am taking care of and at the same time I am building my life here in the US.

I think I told you that my husband and I are the caretakers of an elderly family member. The only caretaker, I might add. 24/7/365. I am telling the truth when I say that we are doing what very few couples would be able to do. Husband and I work great as a team. The whole situation is very tough though, both physically and emotionally. Both for him and myself.

Now the health of the family member has rapidly declined and  we are preparing for the end. I feel like crying all the time. It's just so sad to see somebody you love "fading away".

The whole situation has brought up many feelings from my life in Germany. I have been seeing people die around me all my life. 

My grandma was a nurse during WW2 and later in life she was a true caretaker and warmth giver.  She was always helping everybody in the family and in the community. And she always brought me along to visit these people. I have seen people who are about to die all my life.

My aunt Maria and my aunt Aenne passed away when I was really young. I had been visiting them in the nursing home often with my grandma, because I think my grandma could feel that the presence of a cute and happy blond little  girl would make the old people happy for a moment. And it did. My young energy was good for them. 

When I was eight or nine years old, my grandma and I took care of my grandfather, and I remember seeing my grandma one night in the hallway of the house, I was on the way to the toilet, and I asked her: How is grandpa doing? And she replied: "He is out of pain now, he just passed away."

A year later, my little brother passed away, he was only 6 months old. He had had a severe heart condition and spent most of his short life in the hospital.

Later in life we had my aunt Erica move in with us and her death was pretty hard on me too.

I have been at so many funerals, it's hard to mention them all.

And when my grandma passed away in 2014, it was pretty much the hardest time in my whole life. 

The situation I am now in brings back all the memories. In a way I am perfectly prepared for the situation. I am not bragging when I say: I know what I am doing, I am a great care giver. And the family member is lucky to have me around. But at the same time it brings me to my limits because I realize how much of my life I have spent taking care of others.

My husband said in an encouraging way to me yesterday:" Go and have fun for a few hours :-) " And I was feeling like: FUN? ME? HOW?  I realized that I have been totally trained to be there for others and to help others, but it is still a pretty unfamiliar concept for me to  take care of myself. 

Love you all.

My life in the US

 "The Bar can be tough, are you in the US or Germany your blog isn't clear only that you are looking for a job in the US and it seems like you broke up with the guy you were seeing."

Ok, let's use this comment as a jumping off ground.

I am in the US and I have every intention to stay here. My place is in the US now. I am in close contact with my family in Germany, and I don't feel drawn to move back to Germany. It took me so long to move to the US, now I wanna stay here. 

I am still married and I intend to stay married. He doesn't want me to blog about him, so I am trying to do that.

The bar exam results will be out on May 6th. I would be very lucky to have passed. It was TOUGH. It was really really tough. But we will see.

I am looking for all sorts of jobs and I am doing all sorts of little jobs already. I am still trying to find something that I enjoy doing and that pays the bills. I am all over the place job wise these days. Totally different jobs I am applying to and totally different little gigs that I am doing. Plus I am a caretaker of a family member here in the US. I am spread thin emotionally already, and I have not even started a "real" job yet.

I am not interested in kink these days. I am pretty much ignoring the fact that I am a woman. I have moved into an emotional place/position where I have been before. I see myself as a human being, not necessarily as a woman, and my female side is pretty much dormant. That is not an ideal place to be in, but I know that I can stay in it for quite some time. I spent years in that stage in the past.

Another comment on my blog said:

Somehow you manage to hit on the exact right (for me anyway) combination of tender/loving/giving and strict/cruel/demanding.

Sigh.

Well, in all honesty: I know that I have a lot to offer to the right guy. And I know that I AM offering a lot to my husband. But he is not taking my offers and I gotta decide what I do with the rejection that I am feeling.

It hurts, that's for sure. But there is nothing I can do to change it. I did draw him into my life, and now I am trying to learn the lessons that I need to learn.  I think the more I push, the more he pulls away, That's why I stopped pushing completely. I am actively reminding myself not to touch him. I don't want to touch somebody who does not want to be touched by me. I don't want to touch somebody who is not enjoying touching me back. He is petting the dog constantly, whereas he does not seem to feel a need to touch me. He keeps telling me that I am being "silly" and that "it is not a competition between the dog and you" but I am really hurt by watching him being so tender and soft and sweet to the dog, but not showing that side with/to me.

My sister had a theory that sounds pretty accurate. She said: "in the kink/in our sex life we are all trying to feed the parts of us/our soul that we usually don't feed in real life. We crave for something that doesn't have a place in our day to day life."

It looks like that for me and my husband "real life" has taken over completely. Without even realizing it, he is dominant as fuck. And me, I am flexible and adaptable as fuck. I am bending myself backwards but it is never good enough. 

Nothing is left from the initial F/M dynamic.

I watched him deliver a speech the other day, I was sitting right behind him while he was standing and speaking, and I looked at him from behind and thought: "He is so good at it. He looks so handsome. What a man." 

Basically: I have become the supportive wife in the back. We are pretty much M/F now.

The thing is: I still think he is a great guy. That is why his rejection of anything physical is so hurtful for me. I know he is not cheating on me. I think he gets the warmth and physical contact that he needs from petting and playing with the dog and from enjoying my presence and my cooking. But for me, it is a totally different scenario: it feels like having the most touchable person right in front of me, but not being allowed to touch him.

I am more and more open to the idea of having an open relationship. I wonder if it would make things easier for me...just to know that he is married to me but that we are feeding our needs with different persons....Who knows. 

I am also very very very reluctant to opening myself up to new men in my life.

The way how I see F/M stuff, it involves a lot of responsibility and care and giving. I know, it should all be about me receiving, lol, but it has never been that way for me. Being the F in a F/M relationship , for me, was always linked with having responsibility and looking out for the guy and wanting his best. It took me over 7 years, literally, to get over my ex boyfriend.

He was the first one who gave himself to me, he let me be the "F" in a F/M relationship  I always  wanted to be. He opened his heart to me. He let me feed the parts of my soul that had never gotten any food before. I will forever be connected with this guy, even though he is ignoring me since 2014 now. He has refused to speak a word with me ever since he broke up with me.

I learned only recently that he has a new girlfriend. And I gotta tell you: This news made me super happy. This might be surprising to you, but it was such a relief to hear that he is in a relationship and doing well in life. It felt like a huge burden has lifted off of my shoulders. It felt like: Now I am not responsible anymore.

I think it is very safe to say: I dont take F/M lightly. I see it as a huge commitment. I see it as being handed the keys to another persons soul and I want to honor that.

Anyway, that suddenly became a very personal post. 

I am not sure if my words even make sense to you, but that's all I can share with you.

What's new and exciting?

 The bar exam is behind me, the results will be out on May 6th, fingers crossed. 

I had a  great time in California.

I am applying for all sorts of jobs here in the US. 

I have received support from a reader of my blog. 

And I am watching femdom porn and  can feel that my sex drive is returning.

I have been asked the other day: "Tina, what do YOU want?"

Well, here you go:

I want to have control.

I want the man to do as I tell him to do.

I want to dominate the man.

I want to be given long massages.

I want to tease and deny.

I want to touch the man whenever I want to and wherever I want to.

I want to spank the man over my knee when he misbehaves or just because I am in the mood for it.

I want to touch him possessively.

I want to give him an enema.

I want to play with his asshole.

I want to hear him beg.

I want to see him cry.

I want him to be emotional open and vulnerable.

I want him to know that he can trust me.

I want to hold him.

I want the man to feel safe in my arms and with me.

same old same old

I am in a very strange spot emotionally.

I am emotionally tired and unhappy, but at the same time I dont know what to change or where to go from here.

I dont want to go back to Germany, I realized that my place is not in Germany anymore. I might go back in a few years, but going back now would not help at all.

For years I wanted to live where my ex boyfriend lived. But I have finally understood that this was a dream that did not come to fruition.

I am not happy with many aspects of my life at the moment. But I dont know where to go and what else to do. So I am staying. 

It feels like I dont have any energy left for new dreams. 

I think the smartest thing I can do is to focus on the bar exam and somehow pass this damn thing. 

 I feel like Richard Gere in this movie clip. 

I am 3 weeks away from flying to California and writing the bar exam again. I booked the flight, but no hotel and no car yet. Once again, as so often over the last 20 years, I dont have any money. It all seems so pointless. 

I feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself for having so stupid money blocks and beliefs around money. I have worked hard on it in the last 10 years or so. And I spent months last year getting my money mindset in order.

 But here I am again, improvising and struggling. And I hate it. I hate myself for being in this place. I should be able to just go and rent a beautiful hotel room and get a nice rental car for 5 frigging nights to have a safe spot where I can stay while writing the exam. No big deal, one would think. But hey, we are talking about me and my life. Everything is complicated in my life when it comes to money. 

I am thinking about options of sleeping in the smallest/cheapest rental car in California in order to safe money and get to the convention center where the bar exam is written on time. I am exhausted and scared already and I got 3 more weeks of studying and problem solving ahead of me.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening/reading.

Sad but true. The end of my kinky life

I have always been open here on my blog. And the following post follows that tradition. 

It is not easy to share it with you , but I think it is an important development in my life and in my journey into kink.

Here is the gist of it:

Before I opened the blog, I did not have a sexual relationship or a kinky encounter with any man.

I was a virgin, both sexually and as far as the kink goes.

The first years are well documented here on my blog.

Then I fell in love with a man who seemed to like the kink. We had good times and we decided to marry. I played with open cards right from the beginning. Everything was on my blog. I didnt hide my sexual preferences.

The  vanilla aspects of our marriage are good. People are telling us we are a great couple.

In the marriage he let me know verbally and through actions that he is not interested in doing kinky stuff with me any longer.   

He still likes the kink, but not doing anything with me.  

Well, the question I was facing was: "what now?"

I tried for a while to make him change his mind, but I did not succeed. And me begging him to please let me dominate him is pretty much the least erotic scenario for me.

He made clear that he isnt interested in any kinky activity with me (anymore).

A couple of weeks ago I made one last effort, I dressed up nicely, looked at him with mischief and told him: "Get dressed, let's get a room for a few hours." He stayed on the couch saying: "I am not coming."

So now I am living with a husband who I love and who (allegedly) loves me, but who doesnt give a shit about my sexual desires.

I was never interested in having  a boyfriend on the side, or a slave  or somebody who  enjoys being bossed around just for the fun of it. 

And I dont even see a way for me to get my sexual needs met. My husband is not into me/the things I am offering sexually. And me, I dont want a 3rd person involved. It just sucks.

I did the coaching thing recently, it was fun for a while, but one of the guys was not happy with it/me, (I think), and it triggered me badly. So I stopped that.

I dont have any hope anymore to ever get my kink needs fulfilled. 

The two men I love or loved stopped doing it with me and I lost all my hope.

All I am doing is masturbating to porn.  My life as a dominant woman has ended .  

Oh and it is the pandemic, I still havent found a job in the US, and am feeling alone in a foreign country.... but that is a different story.                           

Bar exam news

 Here is the promised update regarding the bar exam.

I am gonna take the exam in February again. It will be held in person, not remotely anymore.

It is gonna be quite an undertaking to fly to California and write the exam under covid restriction rules and with masks on. I am not looking forward to it. But hey, it is what it is, I brought this on myself. It would have been so much easier if I had passed the exam in July.

Some of you have offered to support me, and it is much appreciated. 

There is one thing I really need right now and I am throwing it out there to you, thinking/hoping that  it will resonate with one of you.

If you feel like you want to make a positive difference in my life, it would be awesome if you could get me an adapti bar access. I would not ask for it if I did not think it would really help me.

https://www.adaptibar.com/

The lawyers among you know what it is. And for all the non lawyers, it is a collection of about 2000 relevant bar exam questions. Ideally, in February, I will know the answers to all these questions. The adapti bar access till February costs 395 Dollar.

I was hoping to be able to just buy it myself, but things did not work out as I had hoped. So, if you feel like supporting me is something that you are considering doing, now is really THE perfect time to do it. 

Thanks to all of you who are rooting for me and following me on my journey.